The Amish Doll: Amish Knitting Novel (Bonus Knitting Pattern Included) (10 page)

The officer hit her forehead. “I’m sorry. Almost forgot. I have some of your clothes in my car. Your room was spared from a lot of damage. It was the other side of the house above the kitchen that got completely ruined. I’ll get the box.”

Eb quickly got up and asked if he could get it for her, but the officer looked at him like he was daft. “I can lift a box. Don’t trouble yourself.”

Raven grabbed at her black hair, fury rising in her. Why couldn’t this wait? She couldn’t absorb all that was happening and
wanted to visit Marilyn and Jim in the hospital, not work at getting the boys acclimated into new foster homes. Soon the officer came back and plopped a box on the table. Raven stood up, peaked inside, and saw her rag doll lying on the top. She gasped and took the doll in her arms. “Thank God. She’s all I have…”

“No she’s not,” the officer said, curtly. “You have all these clothes and –“

“All I have left from my grandmother,” Raven snapped. She put her head down and sobbed as she clung to the rag doll. Raven trembled as she sat down, memories of her grandmother flooding her.  How she wished she was here now to just hold her, but Raven soon felt Eb’s hands on her shoulders and heard him ask the officer to leave.

~*~

Joshua was glad the boys stayed over; they sure did lighten up the house. They had managed to use the outhouse, only when it was absolutely necessary, running out at the last minute. When they got back they complained of the cold…and the smell. He’d never seen boys act like girls.

They dug into the stacks of pancakes he put on the table and was impressed that they all asked who was saying grace. Bud
offered, and thanked God that Mr. and Mrs. Rowe were okay and to bless them, and then the food.

Bud looked up at Joshua. “Can we see Mr. and Mrs. Rowe today? Make sure they know we miss them?”

Joshua spied Raven walking across the yard. “Miss Meadows is coming over. I’m sure she has something planned.” He watched as Raven got closer, and thought of the confession he’d made last night. That he loved her. How foolish, acting on sheer emotion. He’d have to talk with her and tell her that he was sorry for speaking so carelessly.

But when she entered the room, all he wanted to do was hold her. She looked so lost and it was apparent by her red eyes, she’d been crying.

“Hi everyone,” she said looking around the kitchen. “Where’s Susanna?”

“She’s upstairs in bed. Can’t be in crowds.”

“Even this little a group?”

“
Jah
, and she’s tired, too. Will most likely be in bed until the transplant.”

“I’ll visit her as much as I can, being next door. It must get lonely.” She turned to look at all the boys seated at the table.
“Boys, I’m so sorry, but I got orders that you need to be placed in foster homes today.”

The boys all moaned. Bud raised his hand. “I want to see Mr. & Mrs. Rowe.”

“We can stay here with Joshua,” Chuckey belted. “We know where the outhouse is and everything.”

Raven put her hand up. “It has to be done today. Timmy and Cliffy, how would you like to stay here with the Yoder’s?”

Timmy raised a timid hand. “And where’s everybody else going?”

“You boys will all be living close to each other. Pastor Lawrence will be coming to help take everyone to their new homes. He really cares about you boys.”

Joshua didn’t know he could be so selfish, and shame filled him. Here was Raven trying to help the boys along with Pastor Lawrence and he was jealous and sulky. He took a deep breath and tried to focus on what Raven was saying.

“Bud and Chuckey, you’re going to live with the Millers. Remember Eli and Mary Miller? They have a daughter, Lottie, and three younger children. You could be like big brothers to the little ones.”

Joshua grinned. She’d chosen both outspoken boys to be in Lottie’s house. He could see Lottie’s face, huffing over this decision. Bud and Chuckey would certainly put her in her place.

“But we want to stay together,” Bud insisted.

Cliffy stood up, panic stricken. “I want to be where Chuckey is. He’s my best friend.” A sob escaped. “Why are you doing this to me, Miss Meadows?”

Joshua saw Raven tremble as she pleaded with him to understand. Bud got up and told everyone to listen to Miss Meadows, and then embraced Raven. She thanked him.

“That leaves Toby and Paul. You’ll be with Hannah and David Byler. They make good ice cream all year long and…you’ll live right across the street from the ski resort.”

“Can we go skiing?” Toby asked. “Maybe take lessons?”

Raven forced a smile. “I’m sure it can be arranged.” She turned to Joshua. “Maybe Mr. Yoder can take you Amish skiing.”

“How about we put something on the calendar so you all have something to look forward to?” Joshua asked. “Maybe we can ski in a day or two.”

Raven looked at him through blurry eyes. “Thank you, Joshua. The boys need clothes and placed in their homes today, but I think in two days we can plan to ski, Amish style.” She cocked her head to one side. “Can I talk to you privately?”

“
Ewwww
,” echoed around the kitchen, but Chuckey got up. “She’s marrying Pastor Lawrence, remember guys.”

Joshua grimaced. Marry Pastor Lawrence? Of course. He proposed to her at the Grainery over dinner.

Raven clapped her hands to make the boys stop talking. “It was a joke, remember. I’m not marrying the pastor.”

“She has a boyfriend coming up from Florida,” Bud belted out. “Don’t you guys hear anything when she talks on the phone?”

Raven gasped. “Bud, you are out of line. What do you do? Listen through my bedroom door?”

Bud put his head down. “It gets boring at the house. Your life’s like watching a movie. Sorry…”

Raven asked Joshua to speak with her in the living room. He didn’t know why, but he felt furious. She still talked to her boyfriend? The one she said she didn’t care for anymore? Why? But he was talking to Lottie, too.  Raven sat next to him on the bench, and he wanted to dart up and go to the barn to cool off.

“Joshua, I picked Timmy and Cliffy for you since they’re both shy and I think you’d be good medicine for them.”

He bit his lower lip. “Ok. That’s fine.”

Raven took his hand. “Are you alright? You seem like you’re in a bad mood. Were the boys too much to handle?”

Joshua wanted to say life was too much to handle. His
mamm
might be dying and the girl he loved wasn’t Amish. “The boys were
goot
. No problems at all.”

She squeezed his hand. “Joshua, Brandon isn’t coming up here. I told him no and that I cared for someone else.”

“Lawrence?”

Raven put her head on his shoulder. “Don’t you remember last night? You said you loved me…and I love you.”

Relief swelled his heart and he couldn’t help but put his arms around her.

Raven looked through the boxes of clothes and sighed. She’d just packed to come up to Ellington a few months ago, and was unpacking again, in another strange place. She looked over at her rag doll sitting on her bed; did she need to knit her another sweater for a new home? Would she ever stop moving? Staying with Eb was offered, so she took it, not thinking about the fact that is was totally off the grid. How would she charge her cell phone? She depended on that Smart Phone to keep her life straight. She’d just have to keep it charged in her car.

Raven thought back to all Lawrence had explained to her about a loving advocate…an advocate for her. She’d seen God loving her through Susanna, that was for sure. The woman’s eyes were pure sunlight that calmed her. She thought of Susanna’s upcoming surgery and all her pettiness seemed to ease, except for the gnawing feeling of being alone…abandoned….again.

Eb knocked on her bedroom door. “Need any help?”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone…”

Eb came closer and put his hand on her head. “You’re most likely exhausted. It’s not right having the government boss you around so, but you English have to comply.”

“What do you mean?” Raven asked.

“Well, if this happened in the Amish community, someone would just take the family in. No government involved.”

“But how do you know the homes are safe?”

“We know each other. Well, they used to know me…but…I turned from them and God.”

“Because of your wife and daughter that got killed?”

“
Jah
, I felt like it was my fault. A judgment from God. Not real Amish thinking, I know for sure. When they argued that it was God’s will and His sovereignty…well, I know better…it was my fault.”

“Eb, what could you possibly have done? I’m learning that God really loves us and –”

“You don’t understand. I sinned years ago, and I know it. That has to be the reason it happened, because if a loving God would allow it, I don’t want anything to do with Him.”

Raven tilted her head. “You don’t really believe yourself. You turned to the bottle because when you drink, it’s easier to agree with those words of guilt.”

“Guilt?”

“What else would you call it? And guilt is one of the deadliest emotions. So painful, it drives people crazy.” She crossed her arms. “You think about it Eb. When you’re tempted to go to the bottle, how are you feeling? Guilty for your wife and daughter’s death? How can that be healthy or right?”

Eb lowered his head. “How’d you get so smart about all these things?”

“I studied addictions in college. We all have some addiction…sometimes to something that we can’t name. A feeling
of emptiness sometimes is safer than reaching out and accepting love.”

Eb’s eyebrow shot up. “Are you talking about love of a family or a fellow…that lives next door?”

Raven grinned. “Is it that obvious?”

“
Jah
, but Raven, you’re not Amish. Will you convert for Joshua?”

She sat back down on the oak floor and continued sorting through clothes. “We’ve only known each other for three months. I can’t make a lifelong decision like that. I don’t even know what’s involved.”

“I do,” Eb said with a wink. “I have books that explain it all.”

“And you’re willing to go through them with me?”

“
Jah
, I am.”

Raven knew how much Eb coming back to the Amish meant to Joshua. Maybe if Eb went through the books again, he’d return to his faith. Maybe that’s why all this happened.

.

~*~

Raven lay in bed, knitting a sweater for her doll, exhausted over the day’s events. Placing the boys in homes so soon after the fire was traumatic. Even though Joshua had promised to take them skiing in a few days, they wanted to visit Marilyn and Jim in the hospital instead. Lawrence was nice enough to drive them, even giving them winter projects to learn to take their minds off the fire. Chuckey and Bud asked if Lottie could teach them to bake pies, both having a craving for sugar, and she couldn’t help but chuckle. Lottie would soon learn who was bossier. Paul and Toby would learn basket making from Hannah and David, and Timmy and Cliffy would learn how to whittle all kinds of animals from Joshua. Of course, all the boys would learn how to milk a cow, gather eggs…live without electricity.

Tomorrow afternoon she and Lawrence would drive the boys to Jamestown and she was sure to find out their real feelings as they spilled them out so freely to the Rowes’. She bowed her head and said a prayer for her boys

She’d study all the books Eb gave her about the Amish faith tonight by the glow of the oil lamp. But there was a haunting feeling in the light. She stared at the flame and saw something she hadn’t thought of in years. The candles that lit the attic at night. Raven could see the light from the bedrooms below through the cracks in the floor boards. The house being ancient and in ill repair, was drafty and cold, and sometimes she had to warm her hands on the candle flame.

A feeling of emptiness overwhelmed her, of being abandoned. The only thing that took that feeling away was reading the book of John, the first passage she’d learned from Lawrence, about God wanting to be our advocate and wanting to adopt us,  not leaving us orphans. She grabbed her Bible and skimmed through until she found the passage. No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Raven hugged the Bible and rocked back and forth. She wasn’t alone; she was adopted by God Himself, and He wouldn’t leave her.

Raven had told Lawrence about her past, about the abuse. Being a minister she felt he knew what she was supposed to do. Forgive. Did that mean she’d have to go find her Aunt Brook and Uncle Ram and talk to them, something she vowed never to do? Couldn’t she just forgive and let it be between her and God? She put down her knitting and picked up the book Rules of a Godly Life, and flipped through the pages. Many of the rules dealt with simple things, like minding your own business and not being nosey, but when she came to the one on forgiveness, she read it slowly.

Permit not envy or hatred in your heart, nor carry a grudge against anyone. God loved us when we were His enemies and therefore He expects us to love our enemies for His sake. It is but
a small thing for us to forgive our enemies, in comparison to what God has forgiven us. Even though you may think your enemy unworthy of your forgiveness it is well worth doing it for Christ sake.

Oddly, the words didn’t sting. Somehow she trusted this Jesus she was coming to know. If forgiveness was something the Bible commanded, then she’d do it. Raven picked up the sweater she was knitting. She’d seen prayer shawl books in the craft store. Jesus had said to love your enemies and do good to them. But surely He wouldn’t want her to make a shawl for her Aunt Brook, and she pushed the notion out of her mind.

Raven walked over to a window, seeing a full moon. Such a clear night revealed a star-studded sky. A feeling of peace enveloped her. She strangely felt at home in Eb’s house. Raven looked over at the Yoder farm and saw through the kitchen window Timmy and Cliffy doing something at the table. Why were they up so late? Her throat tightened when she saw a girl walk past the window. She couldn’t help but stare. Was it Lottie? What was she doing over there? She saw an oil lamp brighten the front of the house and soon saw Joshua walking into the living room, the woman behind him. By Joshua’s body language, it didn’t appear he was very happy. It was Lottie! When she made advances toward Joshua, he backed away. Anger grew within her. Why was Lottie so forward toward Joshua? So clingy?

She continued to watch, the small windows blocking most of her view. What was she missing? After a few minutes, Lottie came out on the side porch, slamming the door as she left the house. What on earth? She saw Joshua come out after her, but Lottie quickly got into her buggy and pulled the horse forward to the back of the driveway, turning the buggy around, and then snapped the reigns to make the horse trot. Joshua tried to stop the horse, grabbing onto its bridle, but to no avail. Lottie urged the horse forward and was soon onto the road, leaving Joshua behind in the driveway, snow from the buggy wheels spitting up in his face. But why did he fall to his knees? Was he upset she left? Did something happen to Susanna?

Even though in her pajamas, she needed to go and see what was wrong. To be there for Joshua if Susanna was taken. Dear Lord, no! Raven put on her boots and winter coat and ran down the hallway. She heard Eb snoring, so wasn’t concerned noise would wake him up. She made her way outside, the cold slapping her in the face. How brutal the winters were in Upstate New York.

Raven trudged through the snow, seeming to not make much progress, it being a foot high. Although the farm wasn’t far away,
it seemed like an eternity to reach it. When she did, she banged on the door and Timmy answered it. Not wanting to startle the boys, she tried to appear calm. “Timmy, why are you and Cliffy still up? It’s ten o’clock.”

Timmy yawned. “Well, we were supposed to go to bed at nine, but Lottie came over, now Joshua’s real upset. We’re worried about him.”

“You two go up to bed, now. I’ve come to talk to Joshua.”

The boys gladly agreed and headed up the back steps off the kitchen to their loft bedroom. She went into the living room, and saw Joshua, on the bench, his head in his hands. “Joshua, is your mom alright?”

Joshua turned to her, as if in shock. She’d never seen his face so contorted. “My
mamm’s
fine,” he said and raked his fingers through his hair.

Raven sat next to him. “I was ready for bed, but was watching the full moon. I saw Lottie leave here. What’s going on?”

Sweat beads were on his forehead and he clenched his hands together, shaking his head.

“Joshua, can I do anything to help you?”

He reached for her and drew her close. She felt him trembling and rubbed his back. “You need to tell me so I can help.”

“You’ll find out soon enough,” he said, gasping for air. Joshua pulled away from her and got up, pacing the room. “Too much is happening. My
mamm’s
so sick, the Rowe’s are in the hospital, and now Lottie’s having a problem.”

Raven stiffened. “You must care about Lottie to be so upset, or is it that serious?”

“I can’t talk about it…”

“Are you sure everything is over between you two?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if you didn’t care so much for her, her problems wouldn’t affect you so much. You must still feel for her…”

Joshua put his hand up. “I can’t talk about it.”

~*~

Lawrence was like an anchor to her over the next few days, going with her to visit all the boys and now Marilyn and Jim again in the hospital. She bought Marilyn some yarn, circular needles, and a pattern book to make dishcloths. Most likely Marilyn had forgotten the patterns she knew as a child. And knitting would calm her and occupy her time.

When they got to Jim’s room, she watched as Bud and Chuckey tried to gently hug Jim. His right arm was bandaged but he hugged them back with his left.

“Are you two eating too many Amish pastries? I thought we were on diets?” Jim winked.

Bud let out a laugh. “Well, Mary, I mean Mrs. Miller, she makes pies every Saturday, enough for a whole week. We have pie for breakfast a lot and dessert after every meal.”

“And they make candy in the snow,” added Chuckey.

“You mean pour syrup in the snow until it hardens?”

Chuckey cocked an eyebrow. “How’d you know? Did the Amish teach you to do that?”

“No, I did it as a kid and my kids did it, too,” Jim said.

“Have Gary and Larry been here to visit you a lot?” Lawrence asked.

Jim couldn’t hide his smile. “I’ve seen them more over the past week than usual.”

“Well, that’s good,” Lawrence said.

Raven looked closely at Jim’s face. He looked younger. Were the boys aging him, or was it that he was seeing his sons more? He turned to her. “Raven, how are all the boys doing living off the grid?”

“Fine, I think.”  She turned to all six boys. “Do you like living Amish style?”

Timmy and Cliffy shook their heads yes. Toby and Ethan shrugged their shoulders, and Bud and Chuckey rolled their eyes. Bud sighed audibly. “We’ve been stuck with Lottie.”