The Amish Doll: Amish Knitting Novel (Bonus Knitting Pattern Included) (12 page)

She took her doll and touched the faded pink and blue paisley print of the doll’s dress. Her bonnet that matched was faded as well. Raven took off the hat, seeing the tiny holes on the dolls head. Her attempt to give her doll yarn hair had failed. Why no one put hair on the doll was a mystery. And why black boots instead of nice shoes? Her grandmother had given her the doll on her fifth birthday, and oddly, it was an anchor in her life; a constant along with knitting, until now. She had God. A God who said He would never leave her alone, like an orphan. She could face whatever lay ahead because He was with her.

Raven thought of the church program all the boys were involved in. It was called “Emmanuel, God with us.” Yes, she could sense He was with her, and she actually felt sad for Aunt Brook and Uncle Ram, the more she prayed for them. Maybe someday she’d have the courage to go to Salamanca and find them. They could have peace with God, too.

Fatigue washed with peace soon overtook her and she grabbed her rag doll and surrendered to sleep.

~*~

Susanna couldn’t sleep again. One side effect of all her medicines was insomnia. Loud voices from downstairs continued. Joshua and Rueben were talking about a baby? When their voices got loud enough to really hear, Rueben hushed Joshua.

She was not only cut off from the people physically, but in many ways emotionally. Rueben shielding her from stress was thoughtful, but awkward feelings enveloped her when friends visited, always feeling like they couldn’t share their hearts because she might get upset. Yes, she had enough trouble of her own, being on the transplant list for three years, but it was a joy to share
other people’s burdens. It was partly why she needed foster
kinner
, someone to love and help.

Susanna heard Joshua pound his feet as he ascended the stairs. Soon Rueben came up and laid on the bed next to her, worry etched on his face.

“What’s wrong, Rueben?”

“Nothing. Not really.”

“So something’s wrong?”

She felt Rueben gently put his arm around her middle and she patted his hand. “Don’t shut me out. I’m not as fragile as one of my teacups.”

Rueben moaned. “
Jah
, you are, until you get your transplant.” He arched himself up on one elbow. “Looking forward to going to Pittsburgh and getting your transplant over with? When you’re feeling better, we’ll have a new life.”

Susanna knew something was wrong and Rueben needed to talk. “Love, can you talk to the elders about what’s ailing you?”

Rueben moaned. “Nee.”

“Why not? They’re always filled with wise counsel. God chose them to help us.”

“Some shouldn’t have been picked at all.”

“But they drew the lot. I may be too ill to help you, but you are Amish and know we believe in order and church authority. Go to them. Listen to what they say.”

Rueben touched her long grayish-blond hair. “You rest now. Don’t fret yourself. I’ll listen real hard to what the bishop and elders say.”

Susanna hadn’t heard such concern in her husband’s tone in a long while. She closed her eyes and asked God to help Rueben, the man she loved with all her being. Then she prayed for Joshua. His behavior was so baffling. She put him in God’s capable hands.

                   Raven had watched Little House on the Prairie over and over in foster homes. They were the family she found to be a constant. How silly, she mused. But as she looked around the church with all the live greenery put up in the windows and the tree decorated with green and red paper chains, for a moment, she was Ma Ingalls waiting for her kids to perform in the Christmas program. But for the first time she longed to have her own children. Always content to have a cat, she now desired to have children? Maybe she missed having a pet.

Lawrence stepped up to the podium to welcome everyone to the Christmas Eve service, all put on by the children in the church. He said how many hours they’d practiced and his chest seemed to puff out, so proud of the children. Lawrence was ready to turn thirty; she wondered if these children filled a void in his life, not having a family of his own. He faithfully checked on each boy from Appleton, asking them questions like a social worker would. He was making her life easier.

She looked at the bulletin. It had a single candle on the front, with “Emmanuel, God With Us” across the top. The children all came from their seats and lined up behind Lawrence. He took a guitar and started to strum. In harmony they all sang:

Emmanuel, Emmanuel.

Wonderful, Counselor!

Lord of life, Lord of all;

He's the Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Holy One!

Emmanuel, Emmanuel.

The children repeated the lyrics several times and then just sang Emmanuel over and over again. Raven thought she’d heard this song before. She opened the bulletin and saw the song lyrics. At the bottom it said, Words and Music by Amy Grant. Her mind wandered back to middle school; someone had given her an Amy Grant CD in foster care, and the songs helped her during those rough years. But it was Christian music, and it didn’t bother her back then.

What had hardened her to Christianity as she got older? Before she came to Appleton? Was it the media, portraying them as a hate group? People who were narrow-minded and had no tolerance for people who didn’t fit into their agenda? Maybe it was them saying there’s only one way to God.

How her opinion changed when she came back to New York and it all started with the love of Susanna Yoder; her embrace just made her know God was love. But the boys seemed to carry the most weight with her, as she watched them sing. These children in Dickens’ time would be called orphans, all had so much hope and resilience. She never had that growing up, and some foster parents were as wonderful as Marilyn and Jim.

Raven looked over at the Rowes seated across the church. Jim had his arm in a sling and Marilyn had a bandage on her cheek,
but here they were, watching their boys. Chuckey and Bud weren’t adjusting well to living with the Millers, always asking to go live back at Appleton. Something was wrong and she had such limited access to them. Should she get them a cell phone? The Amish prohibited them and she wanted to respect their culture. She’d have to see if there was something battery operated so they could communicate with her. Raven closed her eyes and prayed for Bud and Chuckey.

~*~

Joshua sat in-between Cliffy and Timmy. How attached he was becoming to these boys. They’d shared what they knew about their parents and he found it hard to believe anyone could be so cruel to a child. He thought of Raven, so many hours spent sitting in an attic. The times he chanced talking to Eb, he’d told him that Raven was working on forgiving her aunt and uncle, even planning on visiting them, even bought yarn to make her aunt a shawl. What courage. What a heart.

He found his mind wandered too often to Raven. But everything had changed now. He had to listen to the elders and bishop. Joshua looked over at Lottie and their eyes met. His
mamm
always told him that the eyes told so much. Her eyes seemed to say, “I got you,” or worse, “I tricked you.”

He looked at the candles and greenery the
kinner
had placed in the schoolhouse windows. He stared at a single flickering candle. Light my path, Lord. I need to see clearly. 

~*~

After the church program, Lawrence announced there was a bag of candy for all the children lined up at the back of the church. Raven looked up at Bud and tried not to laugh. He was staring at Jim, rubbing his belly. When she came to Appleton she was sure the church had been bribing the kids to come with loads of candy. These boys were the bridge to her newfound faith and she was so thankful.

Lawrence greeted everyone as they left the church, but the usual crowd stayed longer to talk. He came up to her with a present. The boys howled in unison, “EEEWWWWW.” She laughed and said, “Not getting married yet.” Lawrence chuckled and handed her the gift. She looked up into his mellow brown eyes and thanked him, and then ripped the paper to see a CD called
Peace on Earth
. 

“This music’s so peaceful. I know you need some…peace…” Lawrence said.

“Thank you. I’ll listen to it…in my car. With no electricity, no CD player.” She noticed Lawrence seemed a little nervous. Maybe she was projecting her own anxiety. “I really appreciate you helping me get through the whole ordeal with Brandon. You helped me see it wasn’t my fault, but I’m so afraid of him coming back.”

“Well, Officer Carter is, too, or she wouldn’t have given you her personal cell phone number. I wish you’d press charges.”

Raven stared at the CD cover. “No, let’s just leave it alone. Living with Eb is just what I need, so peaceful. I just wish I could talk to the boys. Actually, I’m worried about Bud and Chuckey. I thought of getting them walkie-talkies, but they need to be charged.”

“No, they’re battery powered. I have one in case of an emergency.” He looked down at his feet and then smiled at her. “Actually, I’ve had one since I was a kid. I’ve always thought they were fun. Want me to pick one up for Bud and Chuckey?”

Raven laughed. “You men aren’t going to have all the fun. How about I get a couple and give them to the boys. One for me, too. We can all talk.”

“Sounds good.” Lawrence looked past her, over at the boys. “Looks like we have an audience. We should give them something to talk about.”

Raven nodded in agreement. Lawrence put his arm around her and they headed out of the church. They walked down the sidewalk. Raven put her arm around Lawrence, and turned to see all six boys gawking at them. Lawrence got down on one knee, and the boys started to cheer.

He took her hand and whispered. “Raven, will you go on a date with me?”

She bent down. “Are you kidding?”

“No, I’m serious.”

Raven looked at the boys, frozen little snowmen, and she nodded her head yes. The boys jumped up and down in excitement. Raven looked down at Lawrence and winked.

~*~

Cliffy and Timmy talked with the other Amish boys their age. Cliffy tried on an Amish black wool hat. Joshua walked over to the boys. “You don’t look Amish with that red hair.”

“Lottie has red hair.”

“Well, you can hardly see it under her
kapp
.” Joshua saw Lottie walking toward him.

“I heard that.
Jah
, I have red hair.” She pulled Joshua down to her and whispered, “And soon you’ll get to see it without the
kapp
, like when you were sick.”

Joshua squirmed. “We’ll see about that.”

Lottie stomped her foot. “
Jah
, we will.”

Joshua looked over at the group of boys, all their eyes as round as the full moon.

“What’s wrong with her?” Timmy asked.

“
Ya
, she’s nice one minute and mean the next.” Cliffy said. “She’s like a yoyo.”

Joshua told the boys they needed to go. He wanted to have a peaceful night with his
mamm
and daed. Maybe the last Christmas Eve they’d share together. As they were leaving he had to walk past Lottie.

She stepped in front of him. “Joshua, I’m sorry I’m so emotional. But you understand why,
jah
?”

“
Jah
.”

“Are you going to ask me over to your place? It is family time.”

Joshua shook his head. “My
mamm
said she wants to spend time with Cliffy and Timmy. Put a puzzle together.”

“Why does she care so much about those boys?” Lottie blurted.

“As Christians we’re to care for orphans and widows,
jah
?”

A forced smile spread across Lottie’s face. “Okay, Joshua. But will I see you tomorrow?”

Joshua couldn’t believe how self-absorbed Lottie was. She knew his
mamm
and
daed
were leaving for Pittsburgh the day after Christmas. So much needed to be discussed and many people offered to help, but not Lottie. He thought of what the elders told him, and nausea washed over him. “I need to go. Not feeling too
goot
.”

~*~

Raven woke up and quickly got on her robe and slippers. She was going to cook a Christmas breakfast for Eb as a surprise. She tip-toed down the steps and smelled coffee. When she went into the kitchen, Eb had pancakes stacked high on a plate in the middle of the table. He was making scrambled eggs and turned to look at her. “Merry Christmas, dear one.”

Was this really happening? She’d never had anyone make her a Christmas breakfast, and this was a feast. “Oh, Eb. Thank you.” She went over to embrace him. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“You English get up so late.”

“Eb, remember, you’re not Amish anymore.”

“Well, I’m used to getting up with the roosters. Anyhow, this isn’t all for you. I’m making breakfast for the Yoder’s next door.”

“But you’re shunned…”

“It’s Christmas, shunned or not. And Susanna leaves tomorrow and I want to see her.”

“Well, let me help then. I’m going over too. I want to say good-bye. She’ll be missed.”

“You stir these eggs while I cut up this here fruit.”

Raven knew Susanna was on such a limited diet, not allowed most of the food Eb was preparing, but didn’t feel right saying anything. The whole family was going through a lot and surely with four men over there they’d gobble it all down in no time. Cliffy and Timmy seemed to be turning into men…maybe a little too fast. But the Amish kids all seemed like little adults. As long as they were happy, she supposed it was alright.

“Raven, what’s your favorite Christmas memory?” Eb asked.

“Well, it wasn’t celebrated too much when I was a kid, being raised on the Indian Reservation. My grandparents exchanged presents, though.”

Eb slowly turned to look at her. “You’re Indian?”

“Yes, I was raised in Salamanca. I’m half Seneca.”

“And half what else?”

Raven didn’t know why but she felt close enough to Eb to tell him she was an illegitimate child. “It was a teenage pregnancy. I never knew my mom or dad. My grandparents raised me and they’re gone.”

Eb held on to the side of the counter and didn’t say anything. Raven knew the prejudice some people had against Native Americans, but thought Eb knew. She also spilled the beans about being illegitimate. Would Eb change his opinion of her? Withhold the love he’d always shown? “Eb, what’s wrong?”

“I, ah, I’m not feeling too
goot
. Tired all of a sudden. You go ahead and take this here breakfast over to the Yoder’s.”

Raven put her head down. “I understand.”

~*~

Filled with confusion and feelings of rejection, Raven packed up the breakfast in a basket, covered it with a tea towel, and headed over to the Yoder’s. How could such a nice man like Eb be prejudiced against Native Americans or illegitimate children? Well, her grandparents warned her that this could happen so she always told people she was French, but for some
reason she let it slip to several people, feeling that Christians were supposed to love everybody. She had a lot to learn, obviously.

Would Eb want her living at his place? Her mind raced as she ascended the steps leading to the side door. When she saw Joshua the emotions she was carrying were too much. She wanted to just sit down and have a good cry, but knew how to hide her emotions well. Anyhow, she needed to be professional since Timmy and Cliffy might overhear.