The Anniversary (51 page)

tact. “I’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Jamison, but it’s an urgent mes-29

sage. Lieutenant Lambert at the police station. He wants you to 30

call right away.”

31

h

32

33

Beneath the yellow glow of the porch light, Rick seemed ner-34

vous. A light rain was coming down, more a mist than a down-35 S

pour. Dressed in jeans, holding an umbrella, Rick was shifting 36 R

from foot to foot. For a split second, she softened toward him —

2 8 6

2nd PASS PAGES

13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 287

T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y

he looked so vulnerable. But that was habit, nothing but habit.

1

She wasn’t going to give in.

2

She took a deep breath and opened the door.

3

“Callie,” he said softly.

4

She could tell that he’d had to stop himself from reaching out 5

to hug her. Quickly, she turned toward the living room. Rick fol-6

lowed her.

7

Callie gestured Rick to the couch. She sat down in a chair.

8

From across the room, they looked at each other. The distance 9

yawned between them.

10

Rick was sitting on the edge of a cushion, leaning slightly for-11

ward. As if he were trying in this small way to bring her closer to 12

him.

13

“I owe you an explanation,” he said.

14

“It doesn’t really matter.”

15

A look of pain crossed his face.

16

“It matters to me,” he said.

17

There were only a few yards between them, but he seemed very 18

far away. She wondered why she didn’t care, why she wasn’t more 19

curious.

20

There was a constant buzz in the back of her mind:
they know,
21

they know, they know.
Soon, her past would hit the news. It was 22

only a matter of time.

23

“Callie? Are you listening to me?”

24

“Yeah. Sure,” she said.

25

Rick sighed and flexed his knuckles, staring at his hands. He 26

seemed to be searching for a way to begin, perhaps waiting for her 27

to help. But when time passed, and she didn’t speak, he finally 28

started to talk.

29

“When I was a kid, I had this friend. His name was Billy 30

O’Malley. We went to school together, played sports, double-31

dated at the senior prom. My dad was an English professor. Billy’s 32

was a cop. You can imagine, if you’re a kid, which one is cooler.

33

The O’Malleys had this big, rambling house. Five kids, two or 34

three dogs. I was always hanging out there. It was just the best S 35

place to be.”

R 36

2 8 7

2nd PASS PAGES

13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 288

A M Y G U T M A N

1

Sitting erect in her straight-backed chair, Callie felt like a 2

statue. This story from Rick’s childhood had nothing to do with 3

her. Vaguely, she wondered what he was thinking, why he was 4

telling her this. But to ask him that, she would have to speak, and 5

that would take too much effort.

6

“When I was twelve,” Rick went on, “I told my dad I was going 7

to be a cop. Billy and I had it all worked out. We were going to be 8

partners. My father tried to argue with me, told me that I could 9

do better. But the fact that he was opposed to it just made me 10

more determined.”

11

Until now, he’d been staring down. Now he glanced up at Cal-12

lie. Her face was smooth as marble. He looked back at his hands.

13

“I went to college in upstate New York. Billy and I were room-14

mates. We’d already taken the test to join the NYPD. ‘Hired at 15

twenty, retired at forty,’ that was Billy’s father’s mantra. College 16

put us a little behind but only a couple years.

17

“After school, it was pretty much exactly like we’d planned.

18

We got assigned as partners, worked the midnight shift. A lot of 19

guys didn’t want midnights, but we — we both liked it. There 20

was less supervision to worry about, and you made a little more 21

money. The only thing was, Billy had gotten married, and his 22

wife didn’t like the hours. He kept promising her that he’d do 23

something, but it just never seemed to happen.

24

“From the start, I liked being a cop. No two days were the 25

same. I liked being out on the street, trying to keep people safe.

26

It probably sounds corny, but I really did feel that way. And 27

then . . .”

28

Rick’s face seemed to darken. He took a deep breath and 29

went on.

30

“There are things you learn as a cop, rules that become second 31

nature. Never hold your radio in your shooting hand. Shoot for 32

center mass. And another one that I’d never forgotten until . . .

33

until that night. In a domestic violence situation, you’ve got to 34

move them out of the kitchen.”

35 S

The most dangerous room in the house.
Callie felt suddenly cold, 36 R

2 8 8

2nd PASS PAGES

13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 289

T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y

her mouth dry as paper. She wanted to say that she’d heard 1

enough, but Rick just kept talking.

2

“It was November twentieth, a Tuesday. Right before Thanks-3

giving. Carla was four or five months pregnant, and Billy was just 4

thrilled. The radio call came in around two a.m. A domestic on 5

One hundred and tenth. When we got to the apartment, it was 6

quiet. We didn’t hear a thing. This guy answers the door. White 7

guy in khakis and a T-shirt. He seems surprised to see us. ‘You 8

must have the wrong apartment,’ he says. When we ask if we can 9

come in anyway, he says, ‘Sure, no problem.’

10

“It’s one of those New York apartments that’s been cut up from 11

a much bigger space. So when you walk in, you’re standing in the 12

kitchen. But for some reason, I’m not thinking about that. Nei-13

ther of us is, I guess. Maybe because the guy seems so relaxed, we 14

think that maybe he’s telling the truth. Or maybe because, when 15

you first walk in, you normally don’t think
kitchen.
Somebody 16

must have been cooking, though. The place smelled like fried 17

onions.

18

“Billy stays with the guy — keeping an eye on him — and I 19

walk toward the back of the room. ‘Is there anyone else home?’

20

Billy asks. The guy says no. And then, from behind a closed door, 21

I hear this sort of moaning.

22

“After that . . . everything gets confused. I think I must have 23

moved forward, toward the door and the sound. But then, at al-24

most the same time, Billy’s yelling too. Things must have hap-25

pened really fast, but it felt like slow motion. I turn back around.

26

Billy’s on the ground. The guy’s lunging toward me with a carv-27

ing knife. Somehow, I manage to pull my gun. I shoot him in the 28

chest and just keep going until all the bullets are gone. Next 29

thing I remember, I’m down with Billy. Blood’s pouring out of his 30

throat. He gives this sort of pleading look, like
Don’t let this hap-31

pen.
Then his head fell back and that . . . that was it.

32

“After I called for backup, I just sat there and cried. I kept re-33

membering things from the past, things from when we were kids.

34

Like how Billy was the one who told me Santa Claus wasn’t real.

S 35

R 36

2 8 9

2nd PASS PAGES

13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 290

A M Y G U T M A N

1

How we got in trouble for sneaking into the movies one day 2

when we were broke. And I remembered his wedding, being best 3

man, how goofy we’d looked in those tuxes. I kept thinking about 4

Carla and the kid he’d never know.

5

“That’s where I was when backup got there, holding his head 6

in my lap. I’d totally forgotten about the sound behind the door.

7

She was dead, too, by the time they got there, stabbed more than 8

fifty times. The M.E. said she’d have died anyway, but I’ve always 9

sort of wondered. The next two months are a blur. The guilt just 10

leveled me. There were some days I couldn’t get out of bed. I 11

wished that I’d died too.”

12

Suddenly, the words stopped. Silence flooded the room. The 13

lights of a passing car flashed across Rick’s face. Rain tapped 14

against the windowpanes. It was coming down harder now.

15

“But it wasn’t your fault,” Callie said. “Both of you were there.”

16

“I was the one who survived,” he said. “It had to be my fault.”

17

“And now? Is that still what you think?”

18

He studied his hands again. She knew those hands, the long 19

fingers, the slight roughness of the palms.

20

“I don’t know,” he said. “Even if it wasn’t all my fault, I still 21

could have stopped it. That’s what Billy’s father thought. I could 22

see it in his eyes. At the funeral, he barely looked at me, didn’t 23

say a word. After the investigation, I tried going back to work.

24

But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle it. At night, some-25

times, I’d take out my gun and think about killing myself. Some-26

times, I’d hold it against my head and almost pull the trigger. One 27

day, this sergeant calls me over. He looks at me for a good long 28

time. ‘Rick,’ he says, ‘you gotta leave this job, or you’ll end up 29

eating your gun.’ I acted like I didn’t understand, but I knew that 30

he was right.

31

“For two years after I quit, I didn’t really do much. Went out to 32

Colorado for a while, worked at a ski resort. Sometime around 33

that first summer I realized that Carla must have had the baby. I 34

thought about calling her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

35 S

She hadn’t wanted Billy to work midnights, and I was the reason 36 R

2 9 0

2nd PASS PAGES

13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 291

T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y

he stayed. If it wasn’t for me, he’d still be alive. I knew that’s what 1

she’d be thinking.

2

“After that, I moved up here. It seemed like a good idea. Keep 3

myself busy, get back to work but someplace totally different. And 4

that’s how it was, until last fall. Then I met you and Anna. Watch-5

ing Anna, I started to wonder about Carla and the baby. I made 6

some calls, found out she’d remarried, was living in Forest Hills.

7

“It took a while for me to get the nerve, but I finally picked up 8

the phone. When I said my name, she started to cry, but she was 9

glad to hear from me. The baby wasn’t a baby anymore — he was 10

six years old. He was William Jr. — they called him Will — and 11

he was smart as a tack. But after Carla remarried, he’d started 12

having problems. A year ago, she’d had a baby girl and things had 13

gotten worse. We talked for a couple of hours about, well, every-14

thing. Then, as we’re about to hang up, she asks me if I’ll come to 15

see them. She has this idea that, if I meet Will, somehow it will 16

help him.

17

“Of course, I say that I will. We go ahead and set a date. The 18

thing is, I tried to tell you, but I couldn’t talk about it. You and I 19

had been dating a couple of months. I just wasn’t ready. So I came 20

up with this story about my father. He’d been sick a couple of 21

years ago, and, well . . . you know the rest. I thought the trip 22

would be a one-time thing, but it didn’t turn out that way. Later, 23

I wanted to tell you, but I just didn’t know how. I knew you’d be 24

pissed that I’d lied to you. I didn’t know what to do.”

25

Finally, he looked up at her, seeking some response. Her mind 26

was filled with the sudden knowledge of how alike they were.

27

She’d blamed herself for Dahlia Schuyler’s death. He’d blamed 28

himself for Billy’s. It seemed ironic, and also sad, that they’d both 29

had to struggle alone. Both of them had had their reasons. Still, 30

it was sad.

31

Callie took a deep breath. “I have something to say as well. I 32

guess it’s a night for confessions.”

33

Could she just go ahead and tell him? It seemed far too easy.

34

But of course, that’s exactly what it was. A few simple words.

S 35

R 36

2 9 1

2nd PASS PAGES

13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 292

A M Y G U T M A N

1

“Like you,” she began, “I moved to Merritt to get away from 2

something. I wanted to start over, where no one knew who I was.

3

Before I got married, when I lived in Nashville, I —” She faltered 4

briefly. Actually saying the words to Rick was harder than she’d 5

expected. “I was . . . involved with Steven Gage. You know, the 6

serial killer.”

7

While she saw Rick’s eyes widen, she didn’t wait for him to 8