The Apocalypse Club (31 page)

“Put yer hands up, ya goddamn thief!” he said. “We’ll see what the harbour patrol has to say about this!”

I decided not to put my hands up and wait for the harbour patrol. I turned and tried to run back to the pilot house. Just at that moment, however, a larger than expected swell bucked the side of the boat. I saw a bright flash of red followed by an even larger flash of red and before I knew what was happening, the boat was on fire.

The women screamed. The owner staggered into the skinny man again, knocking him overboard.

“Jerry fell off!” the third man yelled. He was wearing a brown toupee that had flipped sideways and was now hanging off his head like he had been clumsily scalped.

“The boat’s on fire!” one of the women screeched.

“Save Jerry!” wailed another.

I felt someone grab my shoulder and turned around to see Max.

“What the hell is this?” he asked, his face too full of disbelief to leave any room for horror or alarm.

“Nice recon work, Sherlock,” I said. “As you can see, the boat did not turn out to be unoccupied after all.”

“Why the hell are they naked?”

“A fair question,” I said. “The boat was rocking and we foolishly came knocking, regardless.”

There was a small boom and glass shattering as the fire blew out the rear window of the pilot house.

“I believe it may be necessary to re-evaluate our plans for this vessel,” Tristan said, appearing behind Max. “The fire appears to be spreading rapidly and I believe the fuel line may accelerate that progress.”

The owner staggered to his feet and tried to reach the fire extinguisher, but it was mounted on the wall that was burning and he couldn’t do it. Two of the women had migrated to the ship’s side and were waving their arms (and much of the rest of their bodies) wildly.

“Gerald!” shouted one. “This way! Swim towards the light!”

“Help!” shouted the other, more pragmatically, I thought.

“I agree with Tristan,” I said. “I think this may be a good time for us to make our exit.”

“But…” Max couldn’t even bring himself to say it.

I jumped down onto the deck. The owner tried to grab me, but his skin was oily and I wriggled out of it, delivering a well-placed knee to his swinging nutsack as I did. He made a wheezing sound and collapsed on the deck like a tranquilized rhino. I stepped over him and grabbed the life jacket from the metal hook next to the white box that had contained the flare gun.

“Put this on!” I commanded, tossing the orange jacket to Max.

Max threw it over his head and the three of us jumped off the deck into the black waves.

“Fuck, this is cold!” I gagged, spitting out a mouthful of salt water. It tasted like rancid weeds. I wondered how far we were from shore. We hadn’t been drifting for that long, but in the darkness and with all the swirling smoke from the burning boat, it was hard to tell where anything was. I saw a bright flash and heard another boom. Oh well, I thought. So much for the
Salty Swinger
.

I saw something orange bobbing in the water and swam over to help Max, who had not managed to completely fasten his life jacket before we ended up in the water. I snapped the plastic clip into place and he bobbed like a cork.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Thanks for the vest.”

“Better than me having to keep your sorry ass afloat.”

“The water isn’t that cold. You wanna see cold? Try being strapped into a helicopter and dropped into the bay of Murmansk, you pansy-ass little girl’s blouse.”

“Fuck you, GI Joe. I’ll happily take that life jacket if you’re done with it.”

I heard a thrumming noise growing steadily louder. Max frowned.

“What is it?” I asked.

“That sounds like a GDI patrol boat,” he said, looking puzzled. “What the hell would one of those be doing here?”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me. I’ve heard enough of them to recognize them anywhere.”

“But…” I sagged as the realization set in. “That means they knew we were coming and were just waiting to pick us up.”

“It certainly appears to be the case,” Tristan said, swimming up next to me.

“Shit,” I said. “So much for our secret mission.”

The thrumming grew in volume, but I didn’t see the GDI boat until it was almost right on top of us. It was slightly smaller than the Salty Swinger and sat lower in the water. It was painted matte black and had only one small cabin that sat above deck. A spotlight rotated around and focused on us from above.

What would they do with us this time? I wondered. They couldn’t really send us back to JD again. Would it be military prison? Or something quicker and less pleasant?

I saw a shadow loom over us and a hand reach down to pull me out of the water.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,” said a surprisingly familiar voice. “You guys are idiots.”

I
was so stunned to see Violet again that I just sat there on the deck while she helped Max and Tristan out of the water.

“Who are all the fat, naked old people?” she asked once the others were aboard. Through the smoke, I could see that all three women and the skinny man had jumped into the water. The fat one who had attacked me was still on board the
Salty Swinger
making a futile attempt to battle the growing blaze on his boat.

“We didn’t know they were on board,” I mumbled.

“And here I thought you had developed a taste for the lifestyle in your advancing years,” she said, shaking her head. “Like I said, idiots.”

Violet sighed. The owner had finally given up on trying to put out the fire and had jumped overboard. The flames were starting to reach three stories into the night sky and could certainly be seen from every spot in the harbour. I wasn’t sure, but I thought I could dimly make out the sound of approaching sirens.

“Ah well,” she said. “I suppose we better rescue these Paleolithic pervs and then get out of here before we have to explain ourselves.”

Violet disappeared into the pilot house and steered the ship over to where the rest of the former passengers of the
Salty Swinger
were bobbing in the waves. We pulled all of them out of the water and then dropped them at the dock.

“You’re coming with us!” the owner said, grabbing me by the collar. None of the rest of his passengers appeared to share his zeal for justice and shivered in the background, doing their best cover themselves with their hands. “All of you! You tried to steal my damn boat!”

“I don’t think we shall,” Tristan said, appearing at my side in a flash and placing the tip of his large blade against the owner’s flabby neck. “I believe you will be unhanding my friend here and then we shall be on our way. That is, unless you would like me to provide you with a new orifice to entertain your guests on future aquatic excursions.”

The owner eyed the blade and let go, stepping off onto the dock.

“I know all your faces!” he shouted as we pulled away. “You’ll all be in jail before the sun comes up!”

“On the contrary, my pudgy, fornicating friend,” Tristan said. “By this time tomorrow, we will all be in a much worse place than jail.”

The boat picked up speed. As we passed the
Salty Swinger
, I noticed that it was now listing noticeably to the left and most of the stern was under water. I mentioned this to Max.

“Left is port,” he said. “Right is starboard. Everybody knows that.”

“No, they don’t,” I countered. “Apparently not everybody knows it’s a bad idea to try and steal a boat full of horny seniors, either.”

“That skinny one was definitely giving you the eye,” Max said. “He clearly knows a prime piece of tenderloin when he sees it.”

“Why don’t you f—”

“Gentlemen!” Tristan interrupted. “I’m sure we’ll have time to discuss the finer points of our plan and assess its successes and failures at some point in the future.”

Max looked at Violet. “How did you know where we were?”

Violet motioned for the rest of us to follow her below deck. “I’ve been tracking you clowns for the last couple of days,” she said as we trooped down the white metal stairs. “When it became obvious that this was where you were headed, I thought you would probably need some assistance, especially given your past history.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Max asked.

“Your history of habitually fucking things up,” Violet said.

“I resent that!” Max said.

“I would too, if it weren’t true,” I muttered.

We reached the lower deck, which was larger and more open than I had been expecting. There was some sort of computerized control console at the front that appeared to be steering the ship. Behind that was a staging area with two rows of benches and lockers, each containing various types of survival and rescue gear. This led to another narrow hall with six doors that appeared to be storage closets and sleeping quarters for the crew.

“I imagine you guys probably want to change into some dry clothes,” Violet said. “You’ll find some spare uniforms in the lockers. Can’t guarantee they’ll fit, but it’s better than nothing.”

“How the hell did you get your hands on a GDI patrol boat?” Max asked.

“Easy,” Violet said. “Got the crew off, took control of the guidance system and had it pick me up. It has Dark Matter stealth, so right now we’re impossible to track.”

“How did you know where we were?” I asked.

She pointed at the front pocket of my jeans. “Because you’re still carrying your cell phone.”

“But it’s turned off!” I protested.

Violet gave me a pitying look. “Oh Mark. You’re so cute when you’re naïve.”

“That means they’ll know where we are, too!” Max said, alarmed.

“Relax, Radar O’Reilly!” Violet said. “What do you take me for? A simpleton? I scrambled their SIM identifiers. Right now they have three GDI stalker teams tracking some poor orthodontist on vacation in the Laurentians.”

“Why did you call him Radar O’Reilly?” I asked. It seemed like an odd nickname, and from the way she said it, I could tell that it wasn’t the first time she’d used it.

Violet looked at Max. “He doesn’t know?”

Max looked embarrassed and shook his head.

“Know what?” I asked. A moment ago, I didn’t even know there was something to know. Now I very much wanted to know what it was.

“Should I tell him or do you want to?” Violet asked.

“Tell me what?”

“I was never really in combat operations,” Max mumbled.

“What?”

“I was! I mean, I did all the training and everything. I know how. I just never got to use any of it.”

“Say what?”

“I twisted my ankle right at the end of training,” he said, staring at the floor. “By the time I recovered, the unit postings had all been filled. All except for the adjutant. I really wanted in, so I took it. I figured it would just be a temporary thing. You know, do the clerk stuff for a six-month rotation and then take the first opening in operations. Problem was, I was so good at it that the commander wouldn’t let me leave.”

“So what did you do?” I asked.

Max shrugged. “Processed transfers. Ordered supplies. Mobilization manifests. That kind of stuff.”

“So you never actually…fired a gun?”

“No, I did once! One guy came down with appendicitis prior to a recon operation and I filled in for him. Weather Station site. We took fire from a tree line and I had to lay down some suppression while the forward action team got into place. I think the only thing I hit was a monkey.”

I laughed. Instead of being pissed off, I was enormously relieved. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

“I dunno,” Max said. “I was in this super-elite unit. Who wants to come out and admit the only thing they did was fill in the correct number of TZ-422s?”

“Well, you must be good at something,” I said. “You tracked me all the way from the cottage and I had no idea you were there.”

“Don’t give him too much credit for that,” Violet chimed in. “I told him you were there. Right down to the precise GPS co-ordinates.”

“Well, you did get me with that dart. Wait a minute, though, how did you know you weren’t shooting me with Scorpion Fish venom or something?”

“I told you, I did all the training. Lethal darts are a completely different colour.”

“I still don’t get why you couldn’t have just walked up and said hi.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you’re the only person I’ve actually shot.”

“It doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Well then, this should cheer you right up,” Violet said. “Guess who’s leading the GDI team trying to hunt you down and kill you?”

“There’s a GDI team trying to kill us?” I said. “Why would that cheer me up?”

“Who?” Max asked.

Violet smiled. “Ida.”

It took me a moment to make the connection. “No!”

“Yes.”

“Excuse me, but who is Ida?” Tristan asked.

“She’s a psychopathic killer who once groped Mark in the shower,” Violet said.

Tristan considered this. “I apologize, but I don’t think that really answers my question.”

“She leads one of the GDI Ghost teams,” Violet said. “If somebody’s causing trouble, they turn them into Ghosts. It was her unit that wiped out the 232 villagers who were protesting that Weather Station site I told you about. Now she’s been assigned to get the three of you.”

“I thought she was booted out,” Max said.

“No, that’s what they wanted you to think,” Violet said. “She fits a very particular psych profile. The Ghost units aren’t officially on the books, if you get my meaning. They don’t exist. The normal pattern is that someone is discharged from JD or GDI for extreme anti-social behaviour. Often for the kind of thing that would put you in a maximum security unit. Which often happens. Then they either ‘escape’ or are ‘executed’ and end up a Ghost. I’ve read her unit’s personnel profiles. They’re, uh, scary.”

“What happens if somebody doesn’t want to join?” I asked.

“Guess.”

I swallowed. “And, uh, any idea where she might be right now?”

“Sorry, no. Not in the Laurentians, I know that.”

“But she doesn’t know where we are right this minute,” Max said.

“Probably not,” Violet said. “I’ve covered our tracks about as well as I can, but who knows? Hudson transferred his brain into the computer, so, essentially, I’m trying to trick him into ignoring us. Maybe it worked and maybe it didn’t, but as of this point, we’re on our own. He has access to every satellite, network and camera on the planet. If it communicates with another piece of machinery, it’s
him
. The odds aren’t exactly stacked in our favour, here.”