The Aristocrat's Lady (Love Inspired Historical) (22 page)

He felt the sound of panic in her voice. He sensed her trying to understand the confusion, and he wanted to keep her calm.

“No, my sweet, shh,” he said, keeping his head firmly resting on hers. “Not the fire. I think I better
get you inside and we can talk about it.” What was going on? Was he delusional? Would she come out of a coma in one quick second? He must get her inside and wake Dr. Morrison.

“Can we talk here? I have been dreaming, I think. We shared another evening like this, did we not? Yes, it was at a ball…oh dear, I cannot recall where…and you did not know I was blind and we talked ever so comfortably. I should not tell you, but it was the most special night of my life.”

Devlin’s mind was racing. Obviously hers was, too, and the fear of her senses being damaged quickly faded. Was this the familiar thing the doctors had said might affect her? Of course not! It was an answer to his prayer, pure and simple! God had given him a miracle!

“Nicole, we can stay out here a little longer, but you must remember that you have been sick. You cannot catch cold.” Repositioning her slightly, he continued, “And you must not talk overmuch. In fact, you will listen to me very carefully. I command it.”

She giggled, and he was encouraged. But it did not last long. He grew indecisive. He was not a doctor. He did not know if he should clear up her confusion, but could think of nothing else to do. He spoke against her hair again. “Do you remember the day at the bridge, Nicole? The day Toby had to rescue us?”

Again he felt her stiffen as she tried to focus her thoughts. He could imagine her frustration at the fog that must surely be in evidence after a week of dreaming. “Jared, I
think
I remember.” She was agitated. “You
were under the bridge and we had ropes tied about us, and there was lightning. Your hand was hurt. And Toby, is he safe?”

She must be back to normal if she was worrying about everyone else! But her concern made him uneasy.

“Shh, love, everything is fine. Do not try to speak yet. Just relax, lean against me and listen.” He began speaking in a very soft, calm voice and explained the past week to her. She was shocked to hear she had been unconscious so long, and upset that she had caused so much trouble. He explained how Dr. Morrison had urged them to let her hear their voices, and how Dr. Bishop had wanted them to get many familiar items around her to jog her memory. Devlin told her Chelsea had been with her for the past few days.

Nicole interrupted his explanation in a slow, deep voice. “But Jared, it was this, was it not? You brought me to the terrace, that was the most familiar to both of us. How did you know?”

“I did
not
know, love. I, too, was longing for that very special night we met, and I desperately wished for you to be well. I wanted to share that experience with you again. I could not face coming out here alone, so I brought you with me.” He swallowed hard, fighting back all of the emotions he was feeling. “And I prayed, Nicole.” He tried to hold back the tears by teasing her. “I doubt God has ever heard a more pitiable prayer. Indeed, it would likely not even qualify as such,” he choked up again, “but He heard them, all of our prayers.
He
gave us this miracle, sweetheart.”

Devlin could feel the silent crying against his chest.
It broke the dam he had been holding back, and tears streamed down his own face. “I am sorry, Nicole. I must get you inside. You probably feel terrible, and here I ramble on.” He felt her shake her head vehemently.

“No, Jared. You cannot know how much all you have said means to me.” She sighed and took a deep breath. “Sometimes, in my dreams, I pictured us together like this. We were sharing our prayers as well as our time.” She tensed a little. “I do not know if you have forgiven me, but I have missed you dreadfully, my friend.” She was a little confused, but she knew what was in her heart.

It made his heart break into a million pieces. She had missed his friendship, but only his friendship. But that was all he had ever offered her: friendship. She did not know the depth of love he had come to feel for her. But he had not stipulated terms when he had prayed for her, so he would be thankful, though it would kill him to pretend happiness. How could he be with her and not hold her?

“Nicole, I need to get you out of this night air, but there are so many things I need to say. I owe you so many apologies…” She tried to interrupt him, tried again to lift her head, but her head hit his chin. They both mumbled “ouch” at the same time.

“No, you had your say at my house that night. It was the night
I
should have been apologizing to you. But now it is my turn. I treated you abominably, and I cannot think of it without abhorrence. I accused you of the most awful things, but I was so hurt that you felt you could not tell me about your…eyes.

“So many times after you left Town, I thought about how happily I would have been your ‘Toby’ when we were out. Then I knew the truth. I wanted more than your friendship. And because I thought you did not trust me enough to tell me about your sight, I made it easy on myself and walked away.”

Devlin could hear her quiet sobs, and he pulled her closer. But that did not stop them.

“But sweetheart, it was
not
easy. I could no longer contemplate a life without you. My grandmother had once offered to help me smooth our differences. When I thought you never wished to see me again and when I realized I could never fix things on my own, I decided to take her up on her offer.” He paused and became a little less frenzied. “I knew that you and she would love each other,” he added with a quiet pleasure.

He became agitated again the next instant. “When I walked into the breakfast parlor, I was unprepared to see you. I foolishly scared you out into the storm, and it almost killed you. Please forgive me for everything, Nicole, and give me a chance to prove my love to you.”

Devlin finally moved his head so she could raise her eyes to his. He had to see what effect his words had on her. He wanted to somehow find a way to communicate the emotions he was feeling for her, without sight. He decided if he could win her heart, it might prove to be the most pleasurable experience in the world. To learn to kiss her with just the right sentiment, he wanted her to understand, would bring him endless joy. Indeed, he hoped it would take the rest of their lifetimes to get it just right!

He carefully lifted her face to his with his finger under her chin. Her eyes were wide and vivid, so different from her usual downcast pose.

He was amazed at the love he saw there. Tears welled in them. No wonder she had preferred downcast eyes; they clearly revealed her innermost soul. He leaned down ever so slightly to whisper against her lips, “Nicole, please marry me. Pray teach me the love and courage you show so naturally. I promise I will love you with all my being.” He sat up straighter, nervous now at her prolonged silence. He did not wish to break the mood, but his insecurity made him tease her. “I promise we shall find something else for Toby to do.”

Still he waited for her response. By now, any response would do. Slowly he watched a lone tear trickle from the corner of her eye.

He pulled away slightly, and she lowered her face. “Nicole?” he asked.

“Jared, I… You…” Her tears flowed freely now.

“What it is, love? No more secrets, you may tell me anything.”

She was trying to master her emotions. “Jared, I cannot marry you.”

He went rigid with fear at what she would next say.

“You will never know how much it means to me that you asked, especially after the way I treated you. But you know I will never marry. You have known that from the beginning. I will always be thankful that we were reunited through this. I will always be thankful you have found faith in something other than yourself. And I will always accept whatever form of friendship
you are willing to offer me. Jared, you must know how much I…care about you, but we cannot marry.”

He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.

“I fear I
am
a little tired now, Jared. Can you take me back inside?” For the first time since her accident her senses failed her. She could detect none of his emotions.

“No.”

“No? Jared, it has become a little chilly, I…”

“No,” he said again while pulling her tightly against him. “Nicole, please do not consign us both to mere friendship. Please, Nicole. Having never known love, real love, I made a stupid vow that cost me nothing. I had already experienced a marriage, you see, and I vowed I would not do so again. I…”

She laid her head back on his chest and relaxed against him before she spoke. “I know, Jared.” She put her arm up around his neck. “You must not upset yourself. She treated you abominably, I know.”

“Nicole, do you not see—that is my point. I gave up any notion of happiness because of that. You have changed everything. The word
marriage
no longer even means what it once did to me.” His frustration was palpable. He had to make her understand. “Nicole, I know I ruined our relationship on that day we were to go to Richmond, but I love you enough for both of us. I believe you might truly come to love me as I love you. It will grow in our time together. Please give me that chance.”

She sighed. “It is not because I do not love you enough that I must refuse you. I never realized the
power that loving someone else had over your life. I think I have loved you from that first night…on the terrace.”

“Nicole.” He let out the breath he did not realize he had been holding. He put his fingers under her chin to raise her lips to his, but she put her fingers on his mouth.

“Jared, wait.” She kept her eyes level with his, as if she could see him as clearly as he saw her. “I love you too much to marry you.”

“What?”

“My vow never said anything about not falling in love. I knew that to be beyond my control.” She spoke softly and lovingly. “I knew I could never be a burden to anyone. That is why
I
vowed never to marry.” She paused, then continued, “You see, you teased, but I will always need Toby. That is his one purpose. You have too many other important obligations.”

She felt his shock physically even before he spoke it. “Do you believe I see you as a burden?”

“Of course not, Jared. I could refuse you easier if I did.”

“Then why?”

“Jared, with my family and friends at home, I am not a burden. I love them too much. I taught myself not to be a hardship on them, and with Toby’s help I live a relatively normal life. Not the one I would have chosen, but if it is God’s plan, it is the only one I will accept.

“You, my darling friend, are an entirely different matter.” Her voice choked back tears. “You do not see me as a burden because you have not felt the burden.
You have only been with me as a person who could see.”

“Nicole, please say you know me better than that. Quickly, before I believe you.”

“Jared, it was not a criticism. My own family and friends took years to come to grips with it, and even now on occasion treat me differently. It is a simple fact that you have no idea what you would be taking on. I, on the other hand, know very well and would not ask it of you.” She paused and cleared her throat. “I could only hinder a man with so much power at his fingertips, right in the heart of the government. You will need to travel, entertain Society’s most elite, and…you must have heirs. You already know my fear of crowds. How would I handle even the basics of what would be required in the woman you marry?”

He said one word. “Together.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“We will handle them together.” A new strength came over him. “Nicole, all I
require
is you. The happiness I have known as your friend alone is more than I have ever shared with anyone else.”

“It is that way for me, too, Jared, but…”

“No ‘buts.’ Now you will listen to me.” Devlin was terrified she meant to stand firm out of some misdirected sense of honor. He realized the most important speech of his life would not be one given in Parliament!

“Nicole, if you are so bent on
my
feelings and what is best for
me,
then listen and I will tell you. I contend that you have only been with me while I was ignorant of your blindness. You have no notion how I would re
spond to your needs. But I tell you now: I will do everything in my power to prove to you that your physical incapacities mean nothing to me. We will share each and every hurdle, every joy, every disappointment, every success and anything else God brings into our lives. All married couples face trials, sweetheart.” He whispered the last. “The love we feel for each other is beyond the physical.”

He did not know if he was getting through to her, and he tried one last-ditch effort to keep her from making them both miserable. “Where is your faith, Nicole?”

She sat up straight, tense and agitated. “I do not know what you mean.”

“I think you do. I thought your faith, and now mine, would be what we depended on. You could certainly not depend on me for everything, and I could not depend on you for everything. Circumstances will arise beyond our control. I have learned that the hard way! But my understanding, quite new I grant you, is that we must put our faith in God on a daily basis, blind or not.”

He found it very hard to convey his full meaning when he was not totally sure of it himself. Yet he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he must convince her she was wrong. “I have heard you say many times that you believe God’s plan for you is in helping your neighbors and tenants, either alone or married to that no-good doctor. Is it possible that is
not
God’s plan at all?” He growled, “I do not know how to word this.” He set her a little away from him, squeezing her upper arms, trying to make her understand. “Could it be that this has all
come about because of God’s plan for
my
life…for
our
lives?”

“Jared?” she asked, perplexed.

“I know, you will say I am arrogant to the last, but during the long, lonely nights sitting beside your bed, I felt that mayhap everything we have both been through has brought us to where we are now. Could it not have been to prepare us for this moment? Perhaps we could not know a love so strong if not for so many obstacles, if not for the friendship we shared first.” He paused pointedly. “Perhaps we would not have the strength to handle what lies ahead separately. Conversely, we would have each other to share in the joys that lie ahead.”