The Armchair Bride (18 page)

Twenty five

Brian heads for the bar, shrugs off his coat and drops it on a stool. While waiting to get served, he looks around and I half hope he’ll ignore us. No such luck.

Andy nudges me. ‘Free drinks all round,’ he says and despite my transmitting warning signals so obvious they could be picked up by passing spy satellites, calls Brian over.

‘Maybe he wants to be on his own,’ I say.

‘Fuck that for a game of soldiers. First rule of business, Lisa Doyle, is you always hang out with people who have company credit cards. They know how to fiddle the expenses.’

Brian pulls over a chair.

‘You don’t mind me joining you, do you?’ he says and I’m forced to smile. In fact I laugh. It comes out like a strangled yelp and people at the bar look over.

‘Hiccups,’ I say. ‘I’m a martyr to them.’

‘Well I’m a martyr to thirst,’ Andy says. ‘It’s your round Brian.’

He reaches into his bag for money and I see his laptop.

‘I don’t suppose you’ve read your emails?’ I say and he shakes his head.

‘Officially off duty.’

‘But you’ve got your machine with you.’

‘Force of habit. I plan to leave it gathering dust for the next week. The trouble with reading emails when you’re off work is you start answering them and before you know it, you’re back at work.’

‘So you’ve not read any emails since we met?’

‘No.’

‘None at all?’

Andy interrupts. ‘Some of us are dying of thirst,’ he says. ‘Stop badgering the bloke.’

‘The thing is,’ I say. ‘I’ve just remembered I forgot to cancel an appointment tonight and I can only do it online. I don’t suppose I could be cheeky and log on to your laptop to do it, could I?’

‘An appointment for what?’ Sharon says.

‘Carpet cleaning,’ is the first thing that comes to mind.

‘We don’t have carpets,’ Andy says. ‘It’s all laminate.’

‘I had one put down while you were away.’

‘And it needs cleaning already.’

‘I spilled a jar of beetroot.’

‘Beetroot?’ Sharon looks horrified. ‘You’ll never get that out. Waste of time trying. Claim on insurance.’

‘Yes, Great idea. That’s what I thought. So I need to cancel the carpet cleaners.’

Brian pulls his laptop out and switches it on.

‘Happy to help,’ he says.

I wait until he’s at the bar before discretely launching email.

‘What are you up to,’ Andy says. ‘Something’s going on.’

‘Let’s just say someone sent an email to someone else and she’d rather he didn’t see it.’

The screen is flashing a security prompt.

‘Shit, any idea what he might have used as a password?’ I say.

‘Audrey?’ Andy suggests. ‘Frump?’

I try both. And Brian123, and theatre. I even type in ilovelisa. Every try is rejected.

‘He’s coming back,’ Andy says. I slam the lip down.

‘All sorted?’ Brian says and I nod.

He switches it off.

‘That’s that for the next seven days.’

I get up and persuade Sharon to come with me to the bathroom.

‘Do you think I could get the IT department to delete the email?’ I say when we’re safely out of earshot.

‘They won’t.’

‘I could cry and promise to buy them coffee for a month.’

‘No chance.’

‘What am I going to do?’

‘What was in the email anyway?’

I tell her and her face erupts.

‘That’s brilliant,’ she says. ‘At last you’ve done something about it. I can’t wait to see what happens next.’

‘Nothing will happen next,’ I say. ‘I have to find some way to delete that email.’

‘Why don’t you for once let fate take its course,’ Sharon says and starts washing her hands. ‘You might actually be happy.’

Back at the table, glasses are already almost empty. Andy gets up.

‘Give us a hand at the bar Lisa,’ he says and I follow.

Sharon is alone with Brian and much as I try to avoid looking over, but curiosity gets the better of me. They’re laughing and joking. Surely not about me.

‘I’d never realised what a good laugh Brian could be,’ Andy  says.

‘Oh yes, he can be an absolute riot.’ I try to sound sincere, but the words come out all misshapen and nasty.

He clasps a hand to his mouth and his eyes grow wide.

‘You’ve slept with him and it’s all gone wrong hasn’t it?’ Andy says. ‘Bloody hell Lisa, I’ve only been gone a few weeks and you’re shagging the boss. Mind you, who can blame you? He’s filled out while I’ve been away. Somebody has spent time at the gym. I brushed against his arm, those biceps are rock hard.’

‘Keep your voice down.’ I say. ‘I
haven’t
slept with him. We’ve been out for dinner and it all went a bit weird.’

‘Oh this is
too
good. I need details.’

I give him the short version, enough to engender silence, but not so much that he can wind me up all evening.

‘Right, leave it with me,’ Andy says and takes the drinks over.

Andy lifts his glass in a toast. ‘Bottoms up,’ he says and then sets his face into a frown. ‘That might as well have been the title of the soft core porno I’ve just appeared in.’

Brian finds a scratch on the table fascinating.

‘But enough about me,’ Andy continues. ‘What’s been going on here while I’ve been gone?’

‘Nothing much, same old, same old,’ I say and shoot him a warning look.

‘Bryn off the counter is seeing Jason from Front of House,’ Sharon says.

‘Fantabulosa,’ Andy cries. ‘He’s finally poked a toe out of the closet. I’m so proud of him, we snogged at my leaving do. That boy has the most lovely soft lips.’

‘Which one is he?’ Brian says. ‘Is he the one with blonde hair and spots?

‘That’s Gary. Bryn is the one with dark hair, goofy teeth. Looks like Bugs Bunny with a centre parting.’ Sharon says helpfully.

Brian nods, though clearly has no clue who they mean.

‘And what about you, young lady?’ Andy turns the spotlight onto me. ‘What have you been up to while my back’s been turned?’

‘Working nine to five,’ I mug. ‘Dolly Parton’s got nothing on me.’

‘I think you’ll find she’s got two things on you,’ he says with a sniff.

Both Brian and Sharon focus on my chest.

‘Actually, I’ve been getting ready for Helen’s wedding,’ I say to change the subject.

‘About that,’ Andy says. ‘I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let you down. They need me to go into the studios on Saturday to do over dubs.’

‘I thought you didn’t have any lines.’

‘Whoever told you that?’

I want to point out he did. Repeatedly, during late night international telephone whine-fests, but something stops me.

‘But you
have
to come,’ I say. ‘Everyone is expecting you.’

‘Who exactly is expecting me? I thought you’d come out as an unmarried fantasist to everyone last month.’

Brian looks confused and I probably ought to fill him in, but it’s too long a story and besides, when Andy and I bicker,
nobody
else exists.

‘The invite is for me
plus one
. Everyone else is going to have a plus one and you promised to be mine. What does it say about me if I can’t even manage to bring a friend?’

‘I could come,’ Sharon suggests. ‘We could bring Bethany. A few days away would be lovely.’

‘If Lisa is away, don’t you have to take over the running of the box office?’ Andy says.

‘I suppose so.’ Sharon looks disappointed.

‘I don’t know, what a pickle,’ he says. ‘Where else are you going to find someone at such short notice? A friend who’d be happy to help out. Someone who isn’t busy at the weekend.’

‘I’m not doing anything,’ Brian says and Andy says and kicks my ankle under the table.

‘So you’re free this weekend?’

‘I’m sure Brian has loads to do.’ I say, anxious to avoid one more awkward situation.

‘It so happens, I’m at a loose end. So I guess if you’re desperate ...’

‘Oh no, I couldn’t ...’

‘It’s no trouble. Actually you’d be doing me a favour. Just for once, I’d like to not wake up in a Travel Lodge and have to shower with a miniature bar of soap. We can take my car. It could do with a run out.’

I don’t get how Brian can switch our friendship on and off. A few hours ago, we were distant strangers. Now he wants to drive me to a friend’s wedding and make small talk with strangers.

‘Right, that’s you two sorted,’ Andy says. ‘Now who’s for another round?’

Brian offers to give him a hand and off they go, leaving Sharon to grin at me.

‘What?’ I snap.

‘It’s nice having him back in town, isn’t it?’

‘Who?’

‘Cupid.’

‘Don’t be so ridiculous. Andy more or less forced Brian to help me out. It means nothing. I’ll take my iPod to listen to on the journey down.’

‘Brian and Lisa, sitting in the tree,
k i s s i n g
.’

Somehow I force out a smile as our drinks arrive.

‘Right, I’ve checked he knows what he’s letting himself in for,’ Andy says. ‘I mentioned your disgusting wind and the fact you insist on chewing your nails whenever you’re on a long car journey, but he’s still prepared to take the gig. You’ve got your plus one.’

‘I can pick you up at your place if you like,’ Brian says. ‘Would ten-thirty be too early?’

I nod my agreement.

Twenty six

Despite tossing and turning the night away before driving to Birmingham with Brian, the road trip ends up being fun. Conversation starts out stilted, but as time wears on, we talk more. When traffic grinds to a halt outside Stoke-on-Trent, Brian jabs his finger at a CD player and fills the car with the greatest hits of Céline Dion.

‘Audrey loves her,’ he says and his face turns purple. ‘I can’t stand her.’

I don’t know whether to laugh or stay quiet. The decision is made when we catch each other’s eye and crack up.

Somehow, it’s the cue to relax into easy conversation. Now and then I close my eyes and pretend to sleep, rather than leave any gap big enough to allow any mention of what happened three weeks earlier.

As we pull off the motorway, I yawn and stretch.

‘You’ll have to direct me from here,’ Brian says and I decide to take the pretty route, down winding country lanes.

‘This is lovely,’ he says. ‘Whatever made you decide to move to Manchester?’

‘Wait until you meet my family, you’ll have your answer.’

‘If they’re anything like you, we’ll get on great.’

I turn away and find something fascinating through the side window.

We park up in Grange Close, where I am to collect my dress. Mam insists Brian come in.

‘You’ll have had a long drive, you must be gasping for a cup of tea,’ she says.

‘Thanks very much Mrs. Doyle, that would be lovely.’

‘We can’t stop long,’ I say. ‘Helen is counting on me.’

Brian takes off his shoes before stepping into the house, leaving Mam beside herself and mouthing the words
beautiful manners
. To her credit, she waits a good five minutes before quizzing him on his personal life, financial standing and marital status.

‘Is this the young man you told us about?’ she says when we’re alone in the kitchen, making a second pot of tea.

‘Sort of,’ is all I can manage before he puts his head round the door to ask if we need help. Mam’s face lights up and she stands aside to let him take control. I’ve never before seen her surrender her kettle to any man, let alone a stranger.

I cringe at her wistful sighs as she tells him how her two other daughters are already married and how it pains her to see me alone, Brian is charm personified and laughs at all the right moments. He risks a few non-filthy jokes and gentle flirting. Mam is besotted.

‘We really must be going,’ I say after a third cup of tea and Mam looks crestfallen.

‘Amy and Sue are due and they’ll be sorry to have missed you.’

‘In case you’d forgotten Helen is getting married today. Did her mother drop off my dress?’

‘She did indeed. Will you put it on here?’

‘I dare say it’ll be all hands to the pump round there.’

‘Grand. Run upstairs and get changed. I’ll look after Brian.’

Mam dismisses me with a wave.

The dress is laid out on the bed in what used to be my room. Helen has decided to dress her bridesmaids and matron of honour in a subtle shade of ivory. As a rule, the colour washes me out, but somehow, this dress has quite the opposite effect. I glow. It’s beautifully cut, flattering and glamorous. If it was a man, I’d marry it and agree to live in rural seclusion, with no telly, popping out children on demand, tilling the soil and keeping house. It’s a dress I want to wear every day for the rest of my life.

‘My word, don’t you look a picture,’ Mam says when I come down the stairs. ‘Brian, come and see our Lisa, she looks like a princess.’

Brian finds it hard to suppress a grin.

‘What about this,’ she says, taking hold of his arm. ‘Sure, but she’ll outshine the bride.’

Brian’s eyes meet mine and I can’t help but notice the way they seem to ask questions.

‘She’s beautiful,’ he says.

Those words again. Last time he said them, things went horribly wrong. Today of all days, that can’t happen.

‘Right, let’s get going,’ I say. ‘Helen will be frantic.’

‘I really am sorry about all of that,’ I say when we’re safely in the car. ‘She doesn’t often get to see single men up close.’

Brian goes to say something, but I cut him short.

‘Not that she thinks of you in that way, I mean officially you’re still married. I don’t know if I’ve ever told her about Audrey.’

‘So you’ve been talking about me to your mother?’

‘No. Well yes. Well not really.’

I look up and find Mam has tired of waving from the doorstep and is heading down the garden path.

‘Just drive, will you?’ I say through gritted teeth, but it’s too late, she’s got one hand on the car roof and Brian flicks a switch to wind down his window.

‘Brian,’ she says in her telephone voice. ‘I meant to ask, will you be coming back here later for your supper?’

‘I don’t know, we haven’t really discussed it. I mean there is the reception, but it goes on late and we’ve not booked a hotel or anything.’

He looks to me for support, but I’m busy fuming like a petulant child and shrug unhelpfully.

‘I’ve a nice bit of tongue in the fridge, shall I make up some sandwiches, then you can either have them here or take them for the journey?’

‘Thanks Mam,’ I say. ‘That’ll be grand, but we
really
must be going.’

‘Right you are. I’ll see you both later then?’

I fight off an attempt by my facial muscles to scowl. When we eventually escape Grange Close, I calm down.

‘Do people still buy tongue?’ Brian says.

‘Mam does. She’s also got a cupboard filled with Ambrosia Rice, Eat Me Dates and tinned spam.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with a bit of spam,’ Brian says and reaches for my hand. ‘You
do
look great in that dress.’

‘Take the next left,’ I say sternly. ‘Then over the island and go three streets down. Helen’s house is on the right, you’re looking for number sixteen.’

We get the last remaining parking spot outside Helen’s mother’s house. Her brother Chris is outside, sat on the wall, smoking.

‘Anything from now on remains strictly confidential,’ I say with warning in my voice. ‘If I so much as hear a whisper of anything getting back to work, I’ll hunt you down and kill you. What happens at the wedding, stays at the wedding.’

‘Understood. Though can I say one thing before we go in?’

‘What?’

‘Promise you won’t get all huffy and storm off.’

‘Just hurry up.’

I see Chris give Brian the once over. He obviously thinks he’s my boyfriend.

‘Thanks for letting me come down here today,’ he says as he opens his door and gets out of the car. ‘I was worried you’d gone off me after the way things went the other night.’

My mouth goes dry and I have no instant come back.

‘Are you going to sit in the car all afternoon?’

I watch him saunter up the path, nod a greeting at Chris and ring the bell. Helen’s mother comes to the door. There’s a brief exchange and Brian points at me still stranded in the car watching things unfold.

‘How does the dress fit,’ Bev calls as I get out.

‘Fabulous.’

‘You look lovely.’

‘That’s what I said,’ Brian says.

I glare, but he shrugs and goes indoors. Next time I see him he’s drinking sherry with Helen’s Uncle Bob.

Upstairs, Helen sits at a cluttered dressing table while someone sets about her hair with curling tongues and a hairdryer.

‘Oh thank God you’re here,’ she says. ‘I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.’

‘Mam kept us talking.’

‘Us? Is Andy here?’

‘He couldn’t make it. I’m with someone else. My boss, Brian.’

‘
The
Brian?’

Helen waves away the hairdresser.

‘The very same. And Mam thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread. It wouldn’t surprise me if she’s on the phone to the golf club now getting quotes for an engagement party.’

‘I can’t wait to meet him.’

‘Do me a favour,’ I say. ‘Don’t let on about anything I told you.’

‘What do you take me for?’ Helen snorts. ‘If he finds out what a neurotic flange head you are, he’ll dump you like a hot rock. Why would I go getting in the way of true love.’

Half an hour later she slips on her veil and looks every inch the classic bride. Beautiful and demure. Even I struggle to fight back a tear.

‘You look absolutely stunning,’ I say and she tries to smile, but nerves take over.

‘He
is
going to turn up?’

‘What sane man would risk missing out on spending their life with you?’

It dawns on me that considering I’m matron of honour and supposedly Helen’s oldest friend, I’ve never even clapped eyes on her future husband. We’ve spoken on the phone and she’s shown me pictures, but we’ve yet to be in the same room. I feel terribly under rehearsed.

‘Is Ginny coming?’ I say.

‘Not heard from her.’

I heave a sigh of relief.

Downstairs, the father of the bride loiters nervously in the hall with Brian. The last two cars wait outside; one already filled with the other bridesmaids, the second for the bride and her father.

A previously chaotic household falls silent and I follow Brian into the living room and sit at a table piled high with gifts. Without a single word, he kisses me gently on the forehead and I’m struck dumb despite desperately wanting to kiss him back. The room somehow grows smaller. I don’t know what to say or do.

Helen’s father pops his head around the door.

‘Lisa, your car needs to be on its way.’

‘I’m coming.’

I stand and stumble. Brian puts out his hand to catch me. To a casual observer, it would look staged.

I notice his aftershave, sweet and sharp. The same aftershave he wore when we went to dinner. Helen calls me from the hall and I look into his eyes one last time as he lets go of my hand.

‘Nice email,’ he says.

‘Wish me luck,’ Helen says as she opens the front door and Brian rests a hand on my shoulder.

‘You look beautiful too,’ he whispers and I blush furiously before following Helen down the path.

The other bridesmaids lean out of car windows to catch a glimpse. I wave to let them know I’m coming. Brian pulls the front door closed. I need to talk to him. Now. Why would he say that when I couldn’t answer back?

‘Are you following in your own car?’ Helen’s dad asks him.

‘Yes, of course, you lead the way, sir,’ he says.

That’s it. We’ll talk in the car. I can say I was drunk or something. Or that Sharon sent the mail. Helen stops and turns to look around.

‘I’d like Lisa to come with us,’ she says.

‘What do you mean?’ her father looks confused. ‘She’s got to go in the other car. It’s tradition. The bride and her father travel together.’

‘Sod tradition. My nerves are shot through and I need support.’

He looks hurt.

‘Not that I won’t get support from you,’ she adds. ‘But I need some female solidarity.’

‘I’m fine with Brian,’ I say, anxious to get away.

Helen’s eyes plead with me and I don’t know what to say or do. My head is in a mess. I watch Brian get into his car and know I’d give good money to jump in and drive away from all of this. Preferably to some sordid motel for an afternoon of passion.

Helen’s father holds open the car door and there’s nothing for it but to climb in.

Neighbours hang over fences, cameras and phones held high.

‘I suppose it’s too late to back out of it now?’ Helen says as the driver flicks on an indicator.

‘What?’

Did she see Brian kiss me?

‘The wedding,’ she says. ‘Here comes the bride and all that.’

‘I suppose.’

‘Thanks for the vote of confidence.’

‘I’m sorry, but something just happened. Something a bit weird.’

We turn the corner and I notice a
For Sale
sign.

‘Isn’t that where Ian Tyler’s mother lives?’ I say.

‘Yes. He came home yesterday.’

‘Really? I didn’t know.’

Guilt strikes. I promised to write, but I let him down. His last two emails sit unanswered in my inbox.

‘I ran into him last night at the off-license. He’s lost weight.’

‘Did he say anything?’

‘Not really. I told him about the wedding and he wished me well.’

‘You didn’t say I was coming did you?’

‘Why?’

‘No reason.’

‘Oh God yes.’ Helen says. ‘That
would
be awkward. You went out with him for a while, didn’t you?’

‘Why does everyone keep saying that? We were ten. I don’t think we even held hands.’

‘I did tell him everyone from school would be there.’

Helen pulls out a mirror to check her lipstick. It’s like she’s holding something back.

‘Right, but
he’s
not invited?’ I say.

‘Well no. But you know how these things go.’

‘No,’ I say and try not to sound desperate. ‘How
do
they go?’

‘Word gets around, and it’s not like I can put bouncers on every door.’

My mouth grows dry and I want to stop the car, force my way out and run. Why the hell did I ever agree to any of this?

‘He won’t turn up,’ Helen says. ‘Not if there’s any chance he’ll run into Ginny.’