The Armchair Bride (20 page)

Twenty nine

Ginny and I lie face down in silence while Ian paces anxiously. Occasionally, the police issue another plea to let someone in to talk.

‘Talk to them,’ I say carefully. ‘They’ll understand. It’s all been a big misunderstanding. Like with the toy gun.’

‘Yeah, and we all know how well that worked out,’ he snorts.

‘But I’m here this time. I’ll explain. This isn’t what you want is it?’

For a moment, I think I’m getting through, but then his face closes down.

‘Get Jenny here,’ he says. ‘I want to see my kids. She has no right to take them away.’

I sit up and Ian waves the gun around, but I refuse to flinch.

‘Think about it,’ I say. ‘Do you really want your kids to see you like this? Holding two women hostage? What sort of message does that send out?’

Ian looks annoyed. ‘Do
you
think I’m stupid too?

‘Of course I don’t. But this isn’t you, Ian.;

He starts pacing again.

‘Shut the fuck up. Stop trying to mess with my head.’

A helicopter roars overhead and causes the church windows to rattle.

‘What the fuck!’ Ian says. ‘What are they playing at? Why do they need fucking helicopters?’

‘You’re holding us at gunpoint,’ Ginny says.

‘Shut the fuck up.’

‘No.’ Ginny stands. ‘I’ve had enough of this. I’m going outside.’

‘I’ll shoot you.’

‘I don’t think you will.’

‘I’m warning you, Gin.’

Part of me admires the way she seems prepared to stand up to him. Although I can’t decide if she’s brave or plain stupid.

‘Go ahead and shoot me if you like. I really couldn’t give a shit.’

Stupid, definitely stupid.

‘I’m not bluffing,’ Ian says.

But Ginny heads for the door and I can’t believe she’ll risk her life like this. And what if he lets her go? That leaves me and a very angry man alone in a church with a loaded gun.

‘Don’t you bloody dare,’ I say and she stops. ‘All I’ve heard is two people having a moan about how their lives are a mess.’

Ginny stares at me, Ian lowers his gun.

‘You’re hanging on to a miserable shit of a husband,’ I say. ‘And all the time you’re having sex with anyone who’ll have you. Well big deal, Ginny. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. If you’d have tried a bit harder, you might have a friend you could call up to talk about it.’

I turn my anger onto Ian.

‘And you marched into a bank holding a gun. I’m prepared to accept you’re stupid and didn’t stop to think. You say you were giving it back and you meant no harm, yet here you are pointing one at us. It might get you attention, but it isn’t going to earn you love. And yes, I probably should have answered your emails, but the thing was I didn’t know what to say. Why would I? I hadn’t given you a second thought in nearly thirty years. That doesn’t make me a bad person.’

Neither of them say a word.

‘You know what my so-called mates call me?’ I say. ‘The Armchair Bride. I spend all my time worrying about being single. Checking up on what’s happened to everyone from school. Scared I’m the only one left. Well having seen what great success stories you two made of married life, I reckon I’m the lucky one.’

The voice from outside breaks through again.

‘Mr. Tyler. This is the police. We have your wife.’

Ian runs to the door and Ginny nods at me. We seize our chances and back away towards the vestry. I trip and my heel snaps. There’s a searing pain from my ankle. Ginny stumbles too and lands in a heap near a stack of hymn books.

‘You stupid pair of cows,’ Ian yells. ‘You fucking stupid pair of cows.’

We’re on the floor, hands on our heads staring at the barrel of a gun. Sweat pours down Ian’s face.

‘Send Jenny in here,’ he yells.

‘We need you to come out,’ the voice says. ‘Your wife is scared, Mr. Tyler. She wants to talk, but she isn’t going to come into the church.’

‘I’m not stupid.’

‘Nobody is suggesting you are. But you have to see it from her point of view. Your kids are here too.’

‘Eddie and Jez?’

‘Yes, Ian, They can’t wait to see you.’

‘Has Jez got over his cold?’

There’s a pause.

‘Yes, he says he feels much better. He’s got a picture to show you.’

Ginny and I exchange hopeful looks.

‘You must think I was born yesterday,’ Ian says. ‘You’ve got ten minutes to send my wife in or people start dying.’

Ginny holds my hand and I pray silently, asking God to forgive me for coming up with the nickname Dopey Penny, and for putting foreign coins into Angela’s sponsored slim box, and for writing ‘
Nina is a slag
’ in lipstick on the bathroom mirror during her leaving do.

And then there’s Brian. I’ve finally found someone I like and who seems to like me. Just as a homicidal maniac gets ready to gun me down. Timing was never my strong suit.

I came so close to beating Andy. I could have paraded my new-found love in his face and he’d have still been the man who plucked dark hairs from the chins of old ladies.

Why is fate such a complete and utter bastard? For once, I was winning. I immediately feel bad for not being more humble in victory and ask God for more forgiveness.

Why does any of this matter now?

‘We’re coming in, Ian,’ the disembodied voice says.

‘If you try anything, I’ll kill them both.’

Ian sounds more and more like a man on the edge.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Ginny whispers. ‘I’m so very sorry.’

‘What?’

I try not to distract Ian.

‘I’m sorry for everything I did at school and everything I’ve done since.’

‘It’s fine,’ I say. ‘You had your reasons.’

And then I stop, for there is nothing more to say. What’s the point in continuing a feud if we’re about to have our brains splattered across the church?

Footsteps and a voice calls Ian’s name.

Three heads turn to see Brian at the alter.

Ian lifts his gun and takes aim.

I hear myself yell.

There’s a scuffle and Ian is wrestled to the ground. The gun bounces across the floor as the church doors burst open.

‘Nobody move.’

The place fills with men in big black boots. I look up and see Andy lying on top of Ian.

He gives me the thumbs up.

Thirty

‘You could have been killed,’ I say when Andy and I are alone. We’ve been checked over by medical staff and quizzed by detectives.

‘By a toy gun?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘That wasn’t a real gun, Lisa. It was a toy. It was the same one he had in the bank. It belonged to his son. The police gave it back to Ian’s mother.’

‘How did you know?’

‘You don’t honestly think they didn’t go and see her as soon as this all kicked off, do you?’

‘Well, I suppose…’

‘She told them about the gun, she went to check and it was gone.’

‘And how did you happen to know all of this?’

‘I heard them talking.’

‘So why didn’t the police come in right away?’

‘They couldn’t take the risk. He might still have been dangerous. They didn’t know what was going on in there.’

‘But it didn’t stop you two.’

‘Well, no actually, it didn’t. And before you start having a go at me, it was all Brian’s idea.’

A mixture of relief and anger overcomes me.

‘You stupid pair of twats, you could have been killed. Worse, I could have been killed.’

‘What about Ginny?’

‘You’re right, I should try and look on the bright side. She could have been killed too.’

There’s a nasty cut on Andy’s forehead.

‘I suppose I ought to tell you, Ginny and I made our peace,’ I say and Andy gives me a strange look. ‘Long story. And anyhow, where did you learn how to fight like a straight man?’

‘You don’t spend a weekend wrestling a gang of midgets in a muddy forest without some of it rubbing off.’

I glance over to where Brian sits with two stern-looking officers, they’re most likely explaining how his stupid heroics risked lives.

‘So looks like you finally got your man,’ Andy says. ‘Quite a catch too if you can overlook the ex-wife and the mother-in-law.’

‘I think I’ll manage,’ I say. ‘And that means I win.’

‘Win what?’

‘Our little competition. You said I had to find love by the time I was 40.’

‘I don’t like to rain on any parades, but isn’t it a bit soon to talk love?’

‘You know exactly what I mean. I can hardly see you becoming famous in the next couple of weeks.’

‘Just shows you how wrong you can be, doesn’t it?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘See that TV crew over there? They’re waiting to talk to me.’

‘Why would they want to talk to
you
?’

‘I’m the local hero who saved the day. If I play my cards right I can milk it. Chat shows, reality TV. It won’t be long before I have my own self defense video out. I could even be non-famous enough to make Celebrity Big Brother.’

‘Your fifteen minutes starts here?’

‘You betcha,’ he says with the broadest of smiles. ‘Now don’t go selling any stories about my sordid past without allowing me to check them. I’d hate anyone to think I was crap in bed, especially not Helen’s brother. That little stud muffin is escorting me to the reception.’

‘He’s half your age.’

‘Every young man deserves a sugar daddy.’

He kisses me and bounds away. A woman with a camera stops him and he strikes a pose. Soon a small crowd forms. Andy is in his element.

I track down Helen. Despite everything she still looks fresh-faced and wonderful in her dress. Guilt weighs me down. The events of today are at least partly down to me. I should have been honest with Sister Bernie and never agreed to write to Ian. And that way he might not have turned up.  I should have told Ginny that what she does with her own life doesn’t matter. But I didn’t. I turned everything into some big competition.

‘I’m so sorry about your big day,’ I say.

‘It’s not your fault,’ she says with a shrug. ‘At least nobody got hurt.’

I put an arm around her shoulder.

‘So what now?’

‘Well,’ she says. ‘To be honest this whole wedding thing got a bit out of hand. I’d have been happier with a Registry Office do and a few sandwiches back home. We let everyone else take over.’

‘But you
are
still getting married?’

‘Of course. I love Jamie and I don’t need some production number wedding to prove that.’ She looks around. ‘Talking of Jamie, isn’t it about time I introduced you?’

Over by the bar Helen introduces me as a tall, blonde-haired man smiles down at his bride.

‘Lisa, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is Lisa, she was my best friend at school.’ She takes hold of my hand. ‘She
still is
a good friend.’

‘I’ve heard loads about you,’ he says in a broad Southern Irish lilt.

This was the voice I first heard years before when he called for Helen. He still sounds an awful lot like Dad and I go to shake his hand, but he leans in to hug me.

‘Shame about today,’ I say again.

‘Oh don’t go worrying yourself about it.’

His square-jawed face softens.

‘We’ll be grand. Helen and I are off to Las Vegas tomorrow morning for the honeymoon, we’ll do it all there. Bit back to front, but who cares?’

‘What about your parents?’

‘Jamie’s Dad is paying for it and Mum and Dad are all for it,’ Helen says. ‘I think the last couple of months have been too much like hard work. We’re still going to have the reception tonight, so it won’t be that different. We’re going to exchange vows there and get the whole thing made legal when we get to Vegas. They video it, so everyone can watch online.’

‘That sounds lovely.’

‘You’ll still be my matron of honour tonight though, won’t you?’

My dress is caked in church floor dust. ‘I might have to change.’

‘Just don’t wear red.’ Helen points through the crowd where Ginny sits on a chair answering police questions.

‘I suppose I ought to go over and see if they want to ask me anything else,’ I say.

‘Right you are, see you later,’ Helen says and walks off arm-in-arm with her husband to be.

Why can’t I be more like her? She takes everything in her stride. So what if her wedding almost ended in a bloodbath? She’ll do it all again in Vegas.

‘Did you mean what you said in there?’ I ask Ginny when she finishes with the police.

She shakes her head.

‘We all say things we don’t mean under pressure.’

‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance. I should have let the past stay in the past.’

Her eyes grow cold.

‘I don’t
need
anyone to be sorry. My life is my business.’

‘But I didn’t know about the cancer and everything.’

‘Why the fuck
should
you?’

She pulls her coat around her shoulders.

‘Just because someone’s had cancer, it doesn’t make them a different person. I don’t go round asking people to pity me. You’re nobody to me, Lisa Doyle. Just a useless piece of shit I accidentally trod in.’

There’s something in her face that I saw inside the church. The bravado is put on. Years of self control, of not letting anyone see her weakness.

‘I really am sorry, you know?’ I say and hold out my hand for her to shake.

She turns her back and walks away.

I watch her pick her way through the crowd, torn dress, bandaged hand. People step aside and let her through. Nobody really cares.

An arm goes around my waist and I lean back engulfed in Brian’s aftershave.

‘Don’t you try taking advantage of me,’ I say and turn to face him.

Our lips graze.

‘I wouldn’t dream of it.’

‘I’m not that kind of girl.’

‘That’s a bit of a disappointment,’ he says. ‘I’d been counting on you being just that.’

‘You cheeky sod.’

I don’t have chance to say anything else, as Brian gathers me up in a long, lingering fireworks-going-off-in-my-head, about-bloody-time, classical music crescendo, every cliché in the book kiss.

I don’t want it to end.

‘You might very well be that type of girl, after all,’ he whispers. ‘Does this mean we’re an item?’

‘Well Mam likes you, so I suppose you’ll do.’

‘Why
wouldn’t
she like me?’

‘You’ve yet to catch on with Amy,’ I say.

‘Why? What have I done?’

‘She was there to pick up the pieces after we went to dinner.’

‘Oh yes, about that night. I’m sorry. I acted like a spoilt kid.’

‘All you said was I looked beautiful.’

‘I was rushing you, and then when you changed the subject I felt stupid. I didn’t know what else to do.’

‘Water under the bridge.’

‘So, can I say something to you now?’

‘I suppose so. Go on, tell me I’m beautiful.’

‘Well to be honest, I was going to suggest you nip off and do something about your hair, you’ll frighten small children.’

Helen and Jamie are the first couple onto the floor at their not quite wedding reception, they shuffle around to
The Lady in Red.

Brian twirls me onto the floor as Bette Midler launches into
The Wind beneath My Wings
.

‘They’re playing my song,’ I say and he looks puzzled. ‘New Year’s Eve,’ I explain. ‘I got horribly drunk and made a complete fool of myself in front of everyone. This was what I insisted on singing.’

‘I thought you were more of a Bassey fan.’

I wave at Andy, locked in a slow dance with Helen’s brother Chris.

‘There’s plenty you don’t know about the Armchair Bride, Brian,’ I say and he flinches.

Dancing Queen
cranks out and Helen grabs my hand. Brian steps to one side.

‘Do you mind?’ I say.

‘Go and dance,’ he laughs. ‘We’ve got all the time in the world.’

Also by Mo Fanning
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Barney finds money, with strings attached. Anna longs for Ben - and cake, but can she have both? Martin gets what he didn’t know he wanted and a mother waits for a son who might never come home.

Mo Fanning writes stories to make readers smile. And think. Comedy with a dark edge and characters you’ll want to get to know.

If you take nothing else from this fine collection of writing, you’ll learn how to get stubborn stains out of white sofas.

ISBN-13: 978-0955988523

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Caitlin Allen knows that marrying her childhood sweetheart is nothing more than a form of distraction. It’s a fairytale wedding, but when the music stops she’ll turn and run.

Bored of her life, Cait dumps a nine-to-five routine for an Amsterdam adventure, not knowing the chain of events that will follow. From seedy hostels and a prison cell to stoned parties in the park and an encounter with Johnny Depp.

Taking risks may be the only way to be truly happy.

ISBN-13: 978-0-9559885-4-7