The Art of the Pimp: One Man's Search for Love, Sex, and Money (31 page)

The class got under way as soon as we settled into our seats on the plane, and it was a variation on the lessons I always shared with my most promising girls — the ones who were worth my time and effort. The lesson went something like this:

“When that bell goes off and it’s time for the lineup, I want you to think of the client and before you even see him I want you to shout inside your head:
I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you, I like you!
I want you to keep repeating that to yourself in your head, and I want you think it LOUD, because he’s not going to hear it, but he is definitely going to
feel
it.

“As he comes into the parlor, I want you to smile a nice, big, warm, inviting smile. I want you to put one foot in front of the other and to arch your back a little, because that small adjustment will make your beautiful breasts look a full size bigger. And I want you to make sure you never break that smile. It’s not a crazy, exaggerated smile; it’s a warm smile. Gentle, almost. It’s a smile that says, ‘I’ll take care of you.’ And you know why? Because nine times out of ten, that customer is terrified. He’s seen the place on
Cathouse
, he’s been on the BunnyRanch message board a hundred times, and he’s probably jacked off a thousand times thinking about all the crazy shit he’s going to do when he gets here.
I’m going to fuck her doggy-style. Then we’re going to do anal. Then I’m going to come on her face.
But as soon as he’s actually at the ranch, standing in front of the girls, reality kicks in.
What if she thinks my dick is too small? What if I come too fast? What if my wife finds out?
And the one thing that will help him get rid off all those dark, sphincter-tightening thoughts is a warm, friendly, comforting smile. That smile is going to break down the barrier and make him yours.

“Now it’s possible he’s going to pick one of the other girls. In fact, given the number of girls in the lineup and given the fact that not every guy likes the same thing, there’s going to be plenty of times when you don’t get picked. But just keep smiling at him; smile even as the other girl leads him away. Because now it’s time for that girl and her client to negotiate a deal and — as you well know — those deals don’t always close.

“The other girls are going to hang out in the parlor, talking shit, waiting for the bell to ring and for the next client to come through the front door. But not you. You’re going to take a seat at the bar, where you can be seen from the corridor, and you’re going to assume the guy is not going to book his party. Something is going to happen in that room to make him change his mind. She is being too pushy. Or she’s got rap music playing. Or she can’t put a sentence together. Or there are pictures of her kids on the dresser that make the guy think of his own kids and feel guilty. Or the room’s a mess. Or the lighting is wrong. Or he doesn’t like the smell of wine on her breath. And he’s not even going to tell her why he’s about to bail. All he’s going to say is, ‘I don’t have that kind of money.’ Or he’s going to say, ‘You know, I like you, but the only thing that gets me off is anal and it’s going to take two hours of hard pounding to get me off, and I can only offer you a hundred dollars.’ And this is a lie, too, of course, because all the guy wants is
out
.

“And when he comes down the corridor toward the parlor, what’s the first thing he’s going to see? He’s going to see you sitting at the end of the bar, smiling that comforting smile. And you’re going to reach out and shake his hand and you’re going to introduce yourself. ‘Hi, I’m Sunny.’ Nothing too aggressive. Just sweet. Accessible. Like you’re at a singles bar or something. And as he takes your hand, you’re going to pull him toward you, gently, and give him a nice hug. And you’re going to say, ‘I’m a hugger. I’m from
Georgia. Give me a hug.’ And maybe you suggest that he order a drink. But maybe you don’t even waste your time at the bar because this guy is feeling raw and vulnerable. He almost booked with the previous girl, but it didn’t happen. He’s horny. He’s looking for another chance. And you’ve got this great smile. So you tell him you should go to your room to talk, to get away, to be alone.

“And you are going to take him by the hand and lead him down the corridor to your room, a beautiful room. The bed is made. Place is neat, clean. The lighting’s just right. You’ve got easy listening music on the stereo. And the very first thing you’re going to do, after you close the door behind him, is to push the play button on your DVD and let him see what you’ve been watching: girl-on-girl porn. Now he’s getting excited. A sweet girl from Georgia with an ass like a peach and a clean room and none of that I’ll-put-a-cap-in-your-ass-mothafucka music — and she’s watching girl-on-girl porn. He’s getting hard just standing there, thinking that maybe he’ll spring for a second girl, because this girl seems so nice; she’s not scary at all.

“Now you’re going to take this guy and you’re going to stand in front of him. You’re going to be playing with his hair and unbuttoning his shirt and you’re going to tell him, ‘I like you. I know we’re going to have fun together.’ And you’re going to push him down on the bed, gently, and crawl up on him, one knee on either side of him, like you’re riding him. You’re a Georgia cowgirl. Who knew? He’s going to feel you hovering over his dick, feel that heat, and you’re going to reach down and give it a little rub. Just some friendly teasing, a love tap.

“Now his wallet is beginning to open up. You lean down and give him a kiss on the neck, one of those kisses he can feel in his ear, and suddenly he wants to talk business. But you’re not in a hurry. You like this guy. You’re straddling him and he’s looking up
at you, and your titties have never looked better. He wants you and you know it, so after giving his cock another little squeeze, maybe saying something nice about his eyes, you get down to it, and you sound almost reluctant. ‘Honey, the way it works is, we come in here and negotiate a party. But the office isn’t going to let us stay here forever. So why don’t we get the business part over with and have some fun.’

“And you’re going to say, ‘I have all the time we need. All the time we need. But I’m going to tell you my philosophy because I’m one of those girls who doesn’t believe in wearing herself out. I only have a few customers, and that’s the way I like it. Most of them are regular customers, and I’m hoping you become one of those regular customers. I take real good care of them and they take real good care of me. I’ve never been one of those slam-bam girls. I have regular customers because I like my regular customers. I’m the girl you can text from the office. We can even sext if that’s what you like. I’m the girl you can reach out to when you’re having a bad day. I’m also the girl you can come see anytime you want and the one you can talk to about anything you want, because I want to get close to you, emotionally, and I want to get
real
close to you, sexually. And as I get to know you better, I’m going to let you do things to me that you probably can’t even imagine right now. But don’t worry. I’ll help you imagine them. Because I want to do things to you and with you that you will never forget, so that when you’re back in your office you’ll remember some of that crazy stuff we did. And you’ll come back for more. Maybe you’ll even come back with some ideas for things you want to try, maybe even some real freaky stuff you saw on some porn site or something.

“ ‘Now, we can do nearly anything. Nearly anything. And we’re going to talk about that. But please know this: If you finish too soon — and it happens, it happens a lot — you don’t have to worry. It’s
our first date. We don’t know each other yet. People get nervous. Things happen too quickly sometimes. I understand that. In a way, it’s actually sort of flattering. So don’t worry. Because if that happens, we’re just going to do it again. Why am I telling you this? Why am I making you this promise? Because I want you to come back to see me. If it happens too soon, we’ll do it again.’

“Now, it’s time to give the guy a number. What is the number? Is it a thousand, fifteen hundred, two thousand? Okay, here it is: You’re going to tell him that you’re going to make it just fifteen hundred this time. But you need to warn him: ‘You can’t tell any of the girls out there because I’m giving you a substantial discount. They won’t like it if they find out. Some would charge double for a party like this, and you won’t get anywhere near what I’m offering. With them, when it’s over, even if it’s over in four minutes, it’s over. But I’m not greedy. I know we’re going to party again. I’m making an investment for the long term.’

“You get down to business now. The BunnyRanch takes most major credit cards and the charge will appear on his statement as
American Adventure
. The statement doesn’t say, ‘I got laid.’ It doesn’t say, ‘That was the fuck of my life.’ It says
American Adventure
. But if he prefers to pay cash, tell him about the two ATMs in the lobby.

“Now the guy is going to say. ‘I really want to do this, but I don’t have fifteen hundred dollars.’

“So you come down a little. But you are only going to come down if he promises to come back, to become a regular, like your other handpicked clients. You want him to know that you’re not one of those girls who does ten guys a day. You’re selective because you can afford to be selective. ‘I’ve already turned down three guys today. You know why? Because when I party, I want to party with
someone I think I can get in to. I have to judge fast, starting with the way they look. And I like the way you look. But now that we’ve been talking and I know you a little better, I like you even more. So tell me you’re coming back and tell me you’ll tip me well, and I think I can do twelve hundred.’ He wants to know if you can do it for seven hundred and you aren’t thrilled, but you say okay, you’ll do it. For him. He’s going to get two hours for seven hundred dollars, which is a steal. But just before you leave for the office with his credit card, you’re going to say, ‘Tell you what? You give me an even thousand and I will double the time. I will give you four hours and I will give you a party you will never forget.’

“Half the time the guy will go for it. The irony is, he doesn’t need four hours. Most guys don’t need half an hour. But in that half hour, you will make him feel like he’s never felt before and he won’t be thinking about the time that’s left on the clock. He won’t even be thinking about fucking. He’ll be thinking about when he can come back again. As far as he’s concerned, this is the beginning of something beautiful. Hell, you guys are going to have a
relationship
.

“And if he wants to try to fuck again because it happened too fast, give him a go. But most guys aren’t trained to do it again; not right away, anyway. Most guys are getting it once a month from their wives — if that — and then only because they beg. So when he can’t do it again, you let him know that next time you’re going to teach him a few tricks. How to slow it down, for one thing. Because the longer you go, the more powerful the explosion. And that’s what he’ll be thinking about. Not the fact that he can’t get wood a second time, but about the things he’s going to learn when he comes to see you next week, and the week after that, and the week after that.

“Now he’s hooked. He’s got a girl at the ranch. A regular girl. And he can’t get enough of her. And that’s what it takes to succeed.
You fuck the guy silly and make him fall in love with you. Show me a girl who can do that and I’ll show you a girl who’s going to get rich.”

AFTER THE LESSON WAS OVER,
I asked Sunny, “Are you a thousand-dollar girl?”

“I think so,” she said.

“I’ll ask you again: Are you a thousand-dollar girl?”

She took a moment and said, “Yes, Dennis. I’m a thousand-dollar girl.”

“Good,” I said. “I’m not going to let you forget this conversation.”

When Sunny got back to work, I called Suzette to see how she was doing. Suzette told me she had booked a $700 party. I called Sunny. “I thought I put you through a master class in negotiating a deal. What happened?”

“Nothing,” she said. “I thought seven hundred was pretty good.”

“You told me you were a thousand-dollar girl,” I said. “From now on, I’m not letting you book anything under a thousand dollars.”

“Dennis, come on. I’m doing good. I need this money to take care of my family.”

“No,” I said. “Sunset’s booking three-thousand-dollar parties. You’re worth as much as she is, if not more. And if you keep reducing your price, you’re never going to be a thousand-dollar girl.”

She called me back an hour later and said she had a guy on the hook for eight hundred and he had promised her a hundred-dollar tip. I told her to tell him no. I could hear her fighting tears, but she turned the guy down and later that afternoon she booked a nine-hundred dollar party with a guaranteed tip of a hundred dollars.

“Okay,” I said. “If I’m doing the math right, that adds up to a thousand bucks. I never again want you to party for less than that. Is that understood?” And she never again partied for less. On the contrary, her price just went up and up and up. In fact, later that same month, within a space of ten days, she booked eleven four-thousand-dollar parties. You do the math. You want to know how Sunny felt about herself? Well, I’ll tell you this: The girl was walking on air. She would climb out of my bed every morning, a big smile on her face, and float off to work.

I’ll tell you something else. The more successful they are, the better they are in life and the better they are in bed. And that’s what I want — real pussy. When you have that level of confidence, when you begin to see yourself as the very best, you become a rock star — not only in bed, but in life. And Sunny was a rock star.

She was working so hard and doing so well that I ended up taking her on a cruise with me. I called Ron Jeremy. The cruise was leaving from San Pedro the following week and heading south to Mexico, and I invited him to come along. I told him to bring someone he enjoyed fucking and he said, “Are you paying?”

“Yes, you cheap fuck, I’m paying.”

The following week, on the night before the cruise, Sunny and I flew down to Los Angeles. We met Ron and his girlfriend for dinner, and I have to agree with Larry Flynt: Ron is the cheapest fuck in the world. I’m paying for his cruise, the check arrives, and Ron is nowhere to be seen. If Ron was in the desert and the girl he was with needed a bottle of water, and they came across a little stand that was selling cold bottled water, Ron would say, “No. Let’s keep going. I think there’s some free water down the road.” If he gets lucky and finds a parking spot on the street, he has to check to see if there’s any time left on the meter. If there’s less than an hour he’ll
keep looking. When Ron pulls money out of his pocket, the presidents on the bills rub their eyes and say, “Oh my God! I haven’t seen daylight in a year.” He’s one of the biggest porn stars in history, he’s crossing over into legitimate film, and he has shitloads of money. But ask him to pitch in for something and Ron fucking runs for the hills. I don’t know why I put up with her. She must have some redeeming qualities, not the least of which is that she is very amusing.