The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (6 page)

Humans say that to see the sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight; to hear the noise of thunder is no sign of a quick ear.
(Duh. And they think
we
are the lame BRRRAAAIIINNNS.) Indeed, what the ancients called a clever Corpse is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease. Hence his victories bring him neither reputation for wisdom, nor credit for courage, but BRRRAAAIIINNNS. He wins his battles by making no mistakes, or at least as few as possible, keeping in mind that we can sustain a heckava lot more damage than can our opponents. Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering an Enemy that is already defeated.
For us, it is only a matter of time.

Hence the skillful fighter puts himself into a position which makes defeat impossible, and does not miss the moment for mayhem.
Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist seeks battle only after the victory has been won, whereas He Who Is Destined To Be Defeated (de-feeted?) first fights and afterward looks for victory. As he drags his formerly Human feet into the shambling waves of the Horde. BWAHAHA!

Skeleton from
The Illustrated One Hundred Demons from the Present and the Past

In respect of military method, the successful Horde employs these essential principles:

Measurement
How much terrain is occupied by the Human enemy?

Estimation
How many of the Mortal fools are there?

Calculation
Can the Enemy be attacked successfully?

Balancing of Chances
Does the Horde retain every chance to kick ass?

And speaking of chance, remember: “You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.” You’ve got an appetite for the afterlife. And a hunger for BRRRAAAIIINNNS. Satisfy it!

A victorious army opposed to a routed one is as the weight of a “head” of cabbage placed in the scale against a single Brussels sprout.
The onrush of the conquering Horde is likened to the metabolism of the common three-toed sloth. Go with the flow. Try not to trip each other up.

Heads will
roll...
and explode

Laissez les têtes
mauvais rouler!

S
un-Tzumbie said: When fighting in formation with the Horde, use the basic principles of divide (limb from limb being the ideal method) and devour.

Fighting with the Horde under your command requires control and communication.
Indeed, here’s where the fun begins. It is merely a question of instituting signs and signals. Beware of the Undead Twitch, lest it betray your position to any Individuals lurking in your vicinity. Your stiffened arms are ideal for carrying out complex semaphore signals. Secure flags, rags, or even little bar towels to convey your messages.

Madame Cadavre Exquis
says: Study the ways of the Zombies of history. A small band of Undead brought the French monarchy to its knees—and beyond—in 1789, beginning with the siege of the fortress of the Bastille. By climbing on the piled remains of their Undead brethren, this intrepid group breached the most notorious prison in Europe, setting free a host of gullible prey eager to embrace their liberators. Prisons are an ideal source of fresh food and much easier to break into than to break out of. Unlike the unfortunate French queen, you will not eat cake, nor will you lose your heads.

Hungry ghosts accept the offerings of the Living

In direct warfare maneuvers, the impact of the Horde can be like a grindstone dashed against an egg. No, not all gooey and yellow with bits of shell stuck to the rock.

WE’RE TALKING CRUSHING.
OBLITERATING.

WORLD DOMINATION.

(You’ll need to practice saying this, as your vocal skills have likely deteriorated since your demise.) To achieve this objective, we must examine the science of weak points and strong. Yours, and theirs. OK, maybe you didn’t do so well in high school. Did you get booted out of band camp? Now’s your chance to redeem yourself.

In combat, direct methods may be used.
Direct:
Rush at the Human. Vocalize. Frighten. Feed. However, more can be achieved by employing indirect methods.
Indirect:
Hide behind a tree. Ambush from the side, or perhaps in a car wash. Vocalize. Frighten. Feed. Repeat.

T
here is no end to the stratagems you can employ indirectly. Even if your mobility has been compromised (by, say, the loss of a leg), you can still trip up a naive Mortal and enjoy a tasty snack from your recumbent position. Hide in shop windows, posing with mannequins. Humans will always fall for this one, especially the females. Try for the shops featuring higher-end merchandise, as they will attract more, er, foot traffic. Try to fit in.