The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (4 page)

As an example of Zombies scavenging for food on the go,
Madame Cadavre Exquis
bids us recall the classic story of Beowulf and Grendel, Zombie Grendel’s preferred snack being the Danish party guests of King Hrothgar.

The not-so-great late Danes made too much noise one mead-swilling night, attracting the wrath of Gren. The iconic Zombie chewed the guests out, but his snack attack, in turn, attracted the presence of one Beowulf, the type of swashbuckling meddler you still run into today, particularly in New York City and Tallahassee.

Beowulf tore off Grendel’s arm, and though our Gren escaped, the wound weakened him sufficiently to cause his ultimate demise.

Note that later on, Beowulf (may he rot in Hell!) cut off Grendel’s head and returned it to King Hrothgar. Ultimately, however, karma bit back: After Beowulf went on to destroy Grendel’s avenging mother (yes, this truly is a heart-rending story!), the swordslinger himself was destroyed by a dragon. His final destination: the funeral pyre.

With war causing loss of substance and exhaustion of strength, the homes of Humans will be stripped bare. Their income will be dissipated; their gas-depleted Silverados and Siennas will rust. Nonfunctioning generators, chain saws, and leaf blowers will accumulate.

When Humans engage in actual fighting, if victory is long in coming, they will weary of wielding their fire extinguishers and toilet lids and their ardor will be dampened.
If we lay siege to their malls, their radioactive landscapes, their Dixie swamplands, and their theme parks, they will exhaust their strength. If the campaign is protracted, the resources of the Humans will not be equal to the strain.

We must, however, strike a balance between wearing down the enemy, and wearing down ourselves.
Though we have heard of stupid haste in war, cleverness has never been associated with long delays. We are, of course, shambling as hastily as we can, but let’s face it—we are not that clever, delays or no delays.

And yet, despite the fact that there is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare, delays can serve our own Zombie Nation quite well. Thanks to our ingenious recruiting program, our victims become our soldiers! We may also dig up additional ready recruits at a convenient graveyard.

* Speaking of snack foods, let Zombies adopt the former slogan of a prominent American snack food company: “Don’t go ’round hungry.”

The nature of the Human is such that in order to kill their Enemy (namely us), they must be roused to anger.
In addition to the obvious advantage (such as life) of defeating the Horde, they must also have “rewards,” even if these consist of unlimited rides on the Tilt-A-Whirl and looting tourist souvenir shops.

Zombies must be roused, period. Generally by movement, noise, and proximity of meat (i.e., the reward).

Therefore in attacking HOV-lane cars and trucks, also known as Meals on Wheels,
when ten or more such vehicles have been halted, those Zombies should be rewarded who took down the first. Captured Humans should be promptly eaten. This is called using the conquered foe (and his BRRRAAAIIINNNS) to augment one’s own strength.

In war, then, let your great object be
ULTIMATE WORLD DOMINATION,
not lengthy campaigns. This precept shall determine
whether the Horde shall be in peace, or pieces.

Offensive?
Moi?
Nay, ’tis only
a flesh wound!

S
un-Tzumbie said: If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you will be called a successful Zombie.
The best thing of all is to devour the Human whole and intact. To leave a mess behind as evidence of your passage (and poor table etiquette) is not so good.

Supreme excellence consists in breaking the Enemy’s resistance—and limbs—without fighting.
If you still have a working set of choppers, this should be easy. Better yet, follow your Enemy’s example and arm yourself. For every crowbar, brandish a lead pipe or Louisville Slugger. You’ll be glad you did.

Whenever possible, prevent Humans from forming into groups.
This is one instance where the maxim “two heads are better than one” does not hold true. Under no circumstances should Humans be permitted to collaborate, for you can be sure they are plotting only one thing: your demise.

With the Horde at your back, attack the Mortals in the fields and on the streets.
Watch them scatter and then pick them off one at a time. Watch them behave not like the intelligent beings they would like us to think they are, but like newly decapitated fowls. Teenage girls are especially prone to panic and ill-advised actions, as they will insist on re-entering a Horde-occupied building to retrieve cell phones and small canines—which are hardly worth eating. Such young females present easy and tasty targets, although one would need to consume many of them in order to reach full brain satiety. Teenage boys will mount foolhardy displays of bravado, especially if females are present. Munch at will (or
on
Will, if that’s his name).

Humans can be assailed on the ground floor of almost any structure—and they will usually choose an unsuitable one for a refuge. For example, given the choice between the Beef Jerky Mart stocked with big guns and ammo, and the Starbucks across the street, they’ll choose Starbucks every time. They will soon learn that they cannot hurt us with jets of latte foam, but by then it will be too late. Try to avoid falling into coffee roasters or grinders, however.

If the Humans catch on that we cannot climb ladders or stairs, and retreat to the second floor of a structure, they are best left. They’ve gotta come down sometime, if only to eat. Time is on our side. Such are the disastrous consequences (for Humans) of multi-story structures. While you wait, try your hand at some arts-and-crafts projects that don’t require opposable thumbs. And wait quietly. Moaning will
not
induce your quarry to appear; studies—and popular movies—show that Zombie vocalizations frighten Humans.

Therefore, the successful ghoul subdues the Human prey while expending a minimum of time and energy.
With our forces intact, and without losing our heads, our triumph will be complete.

It is the Rule of the Apocalypse: If our forces number ten to the Mortals’ one, surround them; if five to one, attack them; if we are twice as numerous, split them into equal forces.
This may require some barter and exchange of limbs. Give a brother a hand—literally.

If equally matched, we can offer battle; if inferior in numbers, we can fool the Enemy.
For example, if the Humans seek refuge in a mall or shopping center—as they are very likely to do, given their inordinate fondness for consumer goods and gadgets—the resourceful Zombie can pretend to be a “mall walker,” one of a type of superannuated individual who shuffles past the food court with a curiously Zombiesque gait. Be sure, however, to procure the proper apparel for pulling off this stratagem. Pastel-colored workout gear is favored (try to coordinate to the green of your particular skin tone), as are fuzzy headbands—handy for concealing oozing head wounds.

The Zombie must remain the master of his own meal ticket.
If the Horde is secure at all points, it will be a Horde of inhuman strength. If the Horde is full of holes—as may happen with the decomposing—it will be weak.
There are many ways a Zombie can bring misfortune on his fellow Undead:

By signaling the Horde to advance or retreat, when many members have no legs.
These unfortunate ghouls will be left in the dust.

By behaving like a Human, being ignorant, or being in denial of the Zombie condition.
This causes extreme confusion, and may even result in head explosions, or Zombie-on-Zombie violence (not for prime time TV!).