The Audience (6 page)

Brown
Four thirty.

Elizabeth
Oh, dear.

Brown
It’s all right. I never sleep much.

Elizabeth
Since when?

Brown
Since always.

Elizabeth
Harold Wilson always used to say, ‘The main requirement of a Prime Minister is a good night’s sleep … and a sense of history.’ Mrs Thatcher taught herself to need very little towards the end. But I’m not sure how reassured I am by that. I like the idea of any person with the power to start nuclear war being rested. (
A beat
.) Besides, lack of sleep can have a knock-on effect in other areas.

Brown
Such as?

Elizabeth
One’s general sense of health.

A silence.

And happiness.

A silence.

And equilibrium.

Brown looks up. A silence.

I gather there’s been some concern …

Brown
About what?

Elizabeth
Your happiness. Don’t worry. You wouldn’t be the first in your position to feel overwhelmed. Despondent.

She searches for the right word.

Depressed.

Brown
I’m fine. It’s all been checked out. I can assure you.

A silence.

From a constitutional perspective you have nothing to worry about.

Silence.

They’ve given me some stuff to take. Means you put on a bit of weight, and I can’t eat certain food.

He searches his pockets.

I’ve got the list somewhere. Cheese is a no-no, apparently. Caffeine, bean curd, alcohol, avocados, banana peel, pepperoni …

Elizabeth
‘Always destined for the highest office. A giant dwarfing his contemporaries. Half Socrates, half George Washington.’

Brown
Who’s that?

Elizabeth
It was how your former headmaster described
you
, Mr Brown. ‘A Colossus’. (
A beat
.) ‘With a little bit of OCD.’

A silence.

I have it, too, you know.

Brown
What?

Elizabeth
OCD. With shoes. And pens. All need to be in a row. Neat and tidy. (
A beat.
) Like soldiers.

Brown
What happens if they’re not?

Elizabeth
I become ‘vexed’.

Brown
I have it with nails. Can’t help biting them. And underlining.

Elizabeth
What do you underline?

Brown
Everything
.

Elizabeth
How very satisfying.

A silence.

Mental illness has been in my family for some time. The agitation and hallucinations which troubled George III were diagnosed to have recurred recently in Prince William of Gloucester. Queen Victoria had several lengthy bouts of depression – some argue after the death of her husband she never came out of it. People called it mourning, but it wasn’t. Two of my mother’s nieces, Nerissa and Katherine, were incarcerated in 1941 in the Royal Earlswood Asylum for Mental Defectives. (
Tailing off
.) In Redhill.

A silence.

First cousins.

A silence.

The elder was said to look remarkably like me.

A silence.

Brown
It’s the job I dreamt of my whole life, being Leader of the Labour Party. In government. But I must accept I may not be as well cut out for it as I’d hoped. I’m probably better suited as a academic. Tucked away –

Elizabeth
‘Tucked away’. How lovely.

Brown
– at one of the great Scottish Universities.

A silence.

Elizabeth
The unlived lives within us all.

More silence.

In my unlived life, I’d be miles from anywhere, a house in the country. A farm, probably. Lots of children, lots of horses, lots of dogs. Everyone mucking in, being allowed to get grubby.

Brown
Which part of the world?

Elizabeth
Oh, Scotland. I was brought up by Scotswomen … and not just my mother. All the nannies, too. Good stout Scotswomen. One in particular, Bobo Macdonald, she slept in a room with me until I was fifteen – she was a wonderful storyteller. And would tell me stories at night about what it was like – on the outside.

She tails off.

But how did we get started on this? That fire is too hot. It’s mid September, what were they thinking? If you don’t mind I shall ask them to leave it unmade next week …

Brown
I won’t be here next week, Ma’am.

Elizabeth
Oh?

Brown
Party Conference.

Elizabeth
Of course. Where are you this year?

Brown
Brighton.

Elizabeth
How lovely. (
Stops, thinks
.) Is it lovely?

Brown
No, Ma’am. Too many Tories down there. I’d have preferred Blackpool. Good Labour heartland. A couple of marginal seats we could have cleaned up there, too. In the process. Lancaster and Fleetwood. Blackpool North and Cleveleys.

Elizabeth
That would have been very efficient of you. How’s the speech going?

Brown
I’ve got a first draft. Which has come in a bit long.

Elizabeth
Always a mistake to outstay one’s welcome. I make sure the Christmas speech never goes beyond eight minutes. That’s the limit of human endurance, I think.

Brown
I’m afraid my lot’ll have to put up with me a little longer than that.

Elizabeth
Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Brown and the Queen walk off.

The Equerry walks on, and walks to a drinks cabinet.

Equerry
If there’s one thing Her Majesty really loathes, it’s being ill. She is a great believer in fresh air and exercise as preventative measures, and
always
wears gloves on public rounds and studiously avoids people with coughs and sniffles. As a consequence, the occasions where she has called in sick over the past sixty years can be counted on one hand …

He is making a hot toddy.

The occasion in November 1971 comes to mind, when Her Majesty contracted chickenpox – a ‘ridiculous disease’, she called it. She resumed her duties the moment she was free of infection – including meeting Prime Minister Edward Heath for an audience, still covered in spots! And in December 1992, shortly after the publication of Andrew Morton’s book about Diana, the Queen was struck by a
very
nasty cold.

And lights come up on the Queen in the Audience Room as the Equerry brings her a steaming LemSip. She is not in good health. She is running a fever and is in a filthy mood.

Equerry
A hot lemon drink, Ma’am.

Elizabeth
Thank you. Did you spice it up a bit?

Equerry
I did.

Elizabeth
One shot or two?

Equerry
(
clears throat
) Three.

Elizabeth
Good.

The Queen takes a sip.

Equerry
The doctor
did
ask me to impress upon you that continued bed rest was advisable …

Elizabeth
I’ll be fine.

Equerry
And that while running a fever, any exertion or unnecessary stress might tire you excessively …

Elizabeth
Don’t be silly.

Equerry
Or prolong the illness …

Elizabeth
I’ll be fine. It’s just a cold.

Equerry
(
correcting
) Flu, Ma’am.

Elizabeth
Cold.

Equerry
The doctor was quite clear …

Elizabeth
(
barks, suddenly furious
) It’s a
cold
! Now
scram
!

The Equerry and several dogs scatter.

John Major appears in the doorway. He bows from the neck.

Elizabeth
I do hope you bring good news. I could do with cheering up.

Major senses her mood. And freezes.

Major
I … I’m afraid not.

He takes a deep breath. This won’t be easy. Unsure where to begin:

It was a probably a mistake my embarking on this whole thing, and imagining I could make a difference. I just thought having successfully negotiated safe havens for the Kurds that my mediating skills would help reach a breakthrough here … (
A beat
.) But it seems nothing could have prepared me for the factionalism at Kensington Palace.

Elizabeth
Who did you see first?

Major
The Prince of Wales.

The Queen perceptibly stiffens. The merest mention of her son irritates her.

Major
It’s clear he feels very angry and betrayed following the unfortunate business with the Gilbey tapes … and that there is now little warmth or respect left for the Princess of Wales. Worse, he feels she is becoming increasingly problematic, and concern is growing about her influence over the Princes.

Thunderclouds pass over the Queen’s brow. Her knuckles momentarily appear to whiten.

Elizabeth
And the Princess of Wales?

Major
I’m sad to report she appeared quite fragile. She feels the marriage is to blame for her depression and several suicide attempts. She continues to find the Prince of Wales uncaring, cold, and is hurt by the fact that he persists in treating her like the eighteen-year-old she was when they got engaged. When I urged her to be more compassionate and try to see it from
his
perspective, too – a conflict-resolution technique I picked up shuttling between rival Serbian, Croat and ethnic Albanian warlords at the Geneva conference on Bosnia this year – she said that in a sense they’d
both
been victims since he’d obviously had feelings for someone else all along, and they had both been pressurised into an ‘appropriate’ marriage by the Royal Fam—

Silence. Major tails off.

Elizabeth
Ah, so it’s my fault?

Major
She never went that far, Ma’am. Never
once
referred to you personally. Or the Queen Mother.

Elizabeth
Just the institution we represent.

Major
(
clears throat
) She did offer some thoughts on that.

Elizabeth
May I hear them?

Major
I don’t think it will help.

Elizabeth
I didn’t suggest it would
help
. I asked to hear them.