The Bathrobe Knight (53 page)

Goldfish-Butterfly-Squirrel
: This creature is a clear jab at one creator’s inability to stay focused, with every metaphor for losing one’s attention except a cat with a laser rolled up into one monstrously ugly and confusing creature. It’s almost hard to feel threatened. That said, the butterfly-winged flying furball with fish eyes and a fish tail is clearly not trying to threaten anyone, it’s just trying to make you laugh before you forget what it likely already has: that you’re supposed to kill it.

Strengths:
Nothing

Weakness
: Shiny objects--oh! Look at the butterfly!

Boss Book
:

Burriza
: There is nothing more vicious and ruthless than a polar bear in its natural habitat, a good reason many similarly-natured companies try to associate with them. Burriza is the one exception, for while he is a powerful enemy, he prefers it be in poker and not combat. Burriza is one of the few bosses that will not tolerate sycophants, but mainly just because they make great liars and subsequently better poker players.

Strengths
: Straight flush, deuces, accounting, drinking coke

Weakness
: Global warming

Rabbistro
: Well-mannered, well-dressed and well-tempered are three compliments Rabbistro likes to earn. But, never should someone ask for rabbit stew or insult his suit, for if they do, the eight-foot rabbit will literally grow with his rage and devour his offender.

Strengths
: Cooking

Weakness
: Lucky feet, tardiness, disappearing cats

Dark Hydra
: No-one can ever be certain how many heads a Hydra starts with, but they can be sure of how many are left when they hydra eats them. In this case, the last victim of the Dark Hydra tried to fight off seven heads that independently chomped, bit and breathed their way to victory. Poor soul.

Strengths
: Immunity to doctor bills,  

Weakness
: Grocery bills, dentist bills

I’m not a Racist, but
:

Humans [Human]:
One look in the mirror will tell you everything you need to know about this often-frumpy, weak-muscled, overlooked race. Even in the real world they lack many characteristics gamers would value on a stat sheet, but for some reason they always seem to prevail. Be wary of doubting or underestimating the tenacity of the meek and cunning.

Bonus:
+1 stat point per level

Minotaur [White-Horn]
: More bull than man, these lumbering giants may have many myths and stories revolving around how they were made, most with jokes about someone’s mother looking like a cow, but that doesn’t change the fact they are a massive force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. Favoring the Axe and their brute power, they can cleave through most lines with little to no effort.

Bonus
: +25% Movement Speed, +5% Power, +5% Damage when wielding Axes, can’t wear Shoes.

Satyr [White-Horn]
:
Satyrs don’t kid around when it comes to magic. These half-goat men are experts at manipulating nature and traversing rough terrain. With enough of them in an army, one is sure to control the weather--just don’t expect to keep your lawn.

Bonus:
+10% Casting Speed, +25% Movement Speed over rough terrain, +5% Cold Resistance.

Vampires [Black-Wing]
: Arguably the suckiest race in the game, vampires have learned to embody the true spirit of a bat man. They thrive on the night and draw the life force out of any foe within reach during combat. With their large, dark, black wings, Lifesteal, and affinity for the night, the Vampire is a terror in the skies when the sun sets.

Bonus
:
Flying, +5% Lifesteal on Melee Attacks, +5% Increased Damage during nighttime

Incubus/Succubus [Black-Wing]
: It’s always a common joke that a woman is a man’s worst enemy, or the other way around depending on who is saying it, and by that logic, this race fits right in. An innate charm serves to disarm opponents of the opposite gender during combat. That said, there are far worse ways to die than in the presence of a sexy foe.

Bonus:
Flying, +5% Damage against opposite gender, +5% Damage bonus with Whips.

Dragon-Wing [Black-Wing]
: There are few things more ferocious than a full-grown, fire-breathing, battle-worn dragon. Unfortunately this is just a cheap knock off version. They have a great deal of health like the dragons they take their name from and are excellent at resisting fire. Even if they aren’t actually dragons, they do make great dragon hunters.

Bonus
: Flying, +10% Vitality, +25% Fire Resistance

White-Wing [Sun God Empire]
: The White-Wings are what people first wanted angels to be: humans with giant sets of wings. This race has mastered prison fighting and learned to wield the shiv with expert dexterity. Contrary to all the chicken jokes though, they do not run from fights.

Bonus
: Flying, +10% Damage with Daggers, -10% damage with all other weapons, +5% Armor bonus when wearing low-weight Armor.  

Fire-Walkers [Sun God Empire]:
Love the fresh smell of napalm in the morning? Fire-Walkers sure do. They may have given up smoking cigarettes, but they’ve permanently solved the lighter issue. With feet always on fire and flames shooting out of any body part, Fire-Walkers have trouble handling normal weapons and developed their own unique crafting system to compensate.

Bonus
: -50% Damage with non-glass weapons, cannot wear shoes, +10% Damage with glass weapons, Fire Manipulation, Fire Creation, Fire Crafting.

Demon
[StormGuard Alliance]
: No one knows where they came from or when they arrived, but this mysterious Race of red-eyed, black-haired human look-alikes is feared and respected by those who know better.

Bonus
: Locked stat growth, unique abilities, unusually high stat growth.

Inventory of Items
:

Ring of the Ice Queen:
No one is sure if they called her the Ice Queen because she was as frigid as a winter’s storm when it came to dating, or if it was because of her profound affinity for summoning a winter’s storm. Regardless, the ring was aptly named and has served many mages since.

Stats
: + 10 Vitality, + 10 Spirit, + 10 Concentration

Restriction:
Frost Mage only

Ring of Power
: It’s too bad an item with the name like ‘Ring of Power’ isn’t better than it is.

Stats
: +10 Power, +10 Speed, +10 Vitality

Captain’s Ring:
Often those who receive this item complain that it isn’t powerful enough. It doesn’t have enough stats. That’s because they don’t understand that its only limit is the strength of those who follow its wearer.

Stats:
+10 Power, +1% increased Power and Speed for all allied party members.

Dragon’s Tear:
Proving that there is at least some value in making someone cry, the Dragon’s Tears sometimes harden into beautiful jewelry with magical powers. At other times, they just ruin the shoulder of someone’s shirt.

Stats
: +10 Spirit, +10 Concentration

Captain’s Emblem:
A symbol of power can be more than just a symbol if it carries with it the trust and hopes of those who give it meaning.

Stats:
When carried, raises the level of all NPCs commanded by +5. All nearby allied players will receive +5% to all stats.

Dull Iron Axe
: Sometimes, you have to make do with what you have. After all, a giant axe to an enemy’s face is better than nothing, right?

Stats
:
98 Damage

Double-Bladed Axe
: If spearmint gum has taught us anything, it’s that it’s perfectly okay to double your pleasure and double the fun, and nothing says twice as much fun as an extra blade on an axe.

Stats
:
135 Damage

Burriza Blade
: What does a polar bear have to do with a sword? Who knows, but when you see how well it turned out, who cares?

Stats
:
215 Damage,
+10 Power

Sapphire Spell Staff
: Pretty when new, pretty when blue. With an intricate blue sapphire beautifully adorning a dark wooden staff, this is just as much a decorative accessory as it is a weapon.

Stats
: +15 Spirit, +10 Concentration

Enchanted Bathrobe of Valcrest
: Special times call for special measures. When armor is too heavy, clothes take too long to put on, and you’re expecting company, the bathrobe is the right special measure needed. This one just comes fully decked out. Ramen not included.

Stats
: +15 to Power, +15 Speed, +15 Vitality, reduces incoming Damage from all sources by 10%, +35 Damage when wielding Spoons, +10 damage versus French Onion Soup