The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 (25 page)

“What if you’re super-tanned to begin with, like your skin was verging on orange?” Valerie asked, looking down at her pale white hands.”

“Well, that might be awkward.” Stephanie looked stumped, as if this thought had never entered her mind before. “I suppose they’ll have to find colors that match their new look? I imagine people who specialize in jewel-toned clothes will be getting a bump in sales. Also, emeralds. Nothing looks better than green jewels on pale skin!”

“Yeah, but those poor tanning booths,” Valerie giggled. “Whatever shall the dolls do?”

“Invest in makeup?” Stephanie shrugged. “The real shame will be all the pharmaceuticals that go out of business.”

“What do you mean?” Valerie scrunched up her face.

“We don’t get sick. No sickness, no aging and no drugs needed. The only headache you’ll ever have to deal with again is an annoying neighbor or a dog that won’t shut up,” Stephanie explained.

“That’s . . . That’s amazing, but there has to be a catch, right? If you could sell this transformation, you could be a billionaire. You could change the world forever.”

“Dear, it’s not that simple. Humans are disgusting creatures. If you offer them salvation, they’ll spit on you for not doing it sooner.” Stephanie’s happy tone slowly shriveled into a sharp and biting one. “They are a spiteful people, and if we tell them what we’re doing too soon, they’ll hate us for it.”

That’s . . .
Darwin frowned.
That’s not necessarily true. You can’t judge the whole lot for the actions of some.
He wanted to protest, but he felt like no matter what he said, she wouldn’t understand or agree. He’d be making an enemy out of the one person trying to save him from his curse and his crazy sister. “What will decide--” Darwin began with another question, but just as soon as he started, someone knocked on the door.

“Great Lord Darwin,” Justin said as he popped out of the woodwork, “Great Lord Darwin, there has been a development that needs your attention.”

A disturbance? What is he . . . The players!
Darwin suddenly remembered that he had just been in town and had given a rather dramatic recruitment speech.

“I see. Valerie, we’ll pick this up tonight. I’ll send someone to bring you to dinner,” Stephanie smiled. “It’s a real pleasure to meet you.”

“I don’t get a say in it, do I?”

Valerie guessed correctly. When it came to dealing with Stephanie, Darwin had learned to not argue much. It seemed like almost everything she did was for him, whether it was because she actually liked him or because he was one of the last Demons.

“Bring an overnight bag.” Stephanie winked and then vanished suddenly like the last slice of pizza at a party.

“So a player disturbance? Another set of people for us to kill?” Valerie’s words might have been discussing murder, but her eyes looked like those of a kid who was told there were Christmas presents under the tree.

Oy vey. Don’t tell me you really are going insane.
Darwin simply shook his head and stood up.
No use worrying about it now. I have enough people with problems to worry about as is. If this is Stephanie’s pet project, and she isn’t complaining, then I don’t need to spend my time concerning myself with it either.
“No, I don’t think it is this time,” Darwin said to a disappointed Valerie.
It’s got to be the people from the square earlier. Murder, mayhem, EXP and the chance to play as the bad guy and stand above the rest of the world in an epic, unique quest with no duplicate loot? There is no way that a true gamer wouldn’t jump at that opportunity.
Darwin was confident as he reassured himself, remembering how much he had loved the bad guy arcs in many video games, regardless of his usual desire to be the good guy. As long as they didn’t make you kill the players that were loyal to you or the people that were helping you out, it was always fun to be the bad guy.

“Then who is it? You think Daniel’s cry for help on the forum has already baited a few suckers? It doesn’t seem likely. I doubt he posted it from a non-guild-leadership or game leadership position, and he probably didn’t put in either enough flair or snare to pull anyone,” Valerie said smugly.

“Then why didn’t you help him?”

“I didn’t think about it at the time,” Valerie said with a shrug.

“Okay, well then, I’ll handle the player situation. Can you dart ahead of me, find Daniel and have him take the post down altogether?” Darwin asked.
I don’t need one set of people showing up for my quest and the other showing up for Daniel’s offer.

“No problem.” She mimicked Stephanie’s wink before vanishing herself.

So it’s not just the NPC guards. It’s also the female Demons. Maybe it’s just everyone but me that has the secret vanishing ninja skills. Did I miss a skill tree that lets me specialize in crazy ninja-sciences? She has it because she’s a Demon, so why can’t I?
He grumbled to himself, frustrated that the most finesse he would ever have when moving in and out of any building was equivalent to that of a minotaur with both hands full trying to ride a unicycle through a wind chime shop with one of his horns stuck on the low roof.

When Darwin finally reached the exit, he saw Alex and Kitchens both standing on a makeshift platform at the door to Mt. Lawlheima. Kass, Daniel, Minx and the others were waiting inside, all laughing and giggling to each other like kids who had just spent all day putting together a prank and were now watching the result unfold.

“Hold on!” Daniel and Kass both called out to Darwin when they saw him getting ready to walk into plain view of anyone who was listening to Kitchens and Alex on the other side of the gate. “You can’t go out yet. Kitchens has been working your introduction up. Just wait there and don’t spoil it.”

“I see . . .” Darwin’s ears perked up as he tried to listen in on what Kitchens and Alex were saying.

“Alex, you said these people came here to see the Great Lord Darwin?” Kitchens said. Clearly, he already knew the answer, but he was dragging out the question.

What is he doing? Why is he carrying his voice like that? When I was talking, did I sound this silly in the main square earlier?
Darwin felt slightly embarrassed at the idea. If the quest really had been spread, then whatever he had said would be played and replayed across the forum and the Internet guides for a while. That meant everyone would hear his most embarrassing, over-the-top, impromptu Demon King impression.
Oh no. Please, please tell me I didn’t sound that fake and ridiculous.

“Yes, Kitchens. They came seeking an audience with the Great Lord Darwin. One even had the gall to say he was invited.” Alex was playing a much more timid and obedient role than usual.

Has he been filled in on the plan? Did Kitchens use the time that I was in the cabin with Valerie and my girl to clue in the others on our ridiculous scheme?
It was the only way Darwin could rationalize the situation. Alex never used such a respectful voice to anyone but him.

“Hmmm . . . Where is he? Where is the one that claims familiarity with the Great Lord Darwin? Who claims to have been personally invited by the immortal harbinger of Hell?” Kitchens’ seemed to be playing up his dramatic voice more and more as he spoke.

I wonder what he would say if he knew that his claim about him being an immortal wasn’t just a fancy title but, if Stephanie is to believed, very close to reality. Heck, if Steph and her cute face got her way, maybe I really would end up being the harbinger of Hell. But would that make her Hell? Hmm, women and Hell’s fury
are
supposed to go hand in hand . . .

“This is him. This is the one who blasphemously used the Great Lord Darwin’s name!” Alex’s voice was accompanied by the scuffling of feet. Darwin looked around, wishing he could find a better vantage point, but he knew that if he could see them, then they could see him, and it would defeat the entire purpose of their little charade. The play would be interrupted and never be staged again.

“But si--” a voice protested.

Wait! That voice! That’s the dogman who was the first to step forward back in the square.

“Ah! Him! He does not lie. Release him. This man has indeed come at the offering of the Great Lord Darwin. It is he who stood first and foremost among those brave enough to take up the Calling and join Lord Darwin--even at the threat of death by his peers,” Kitchens defended the man.

“Took up the Calling at the threat of death by his peers?” Alex elongated each syllable as he exaggerated his shock. “Who would dare raise a hand against one who would follow the child of war?”

“How many people are out there?” Darwin had to ask, curious as to who was audience to this particular spectacle.

“Actually, there easily are three or four hundred people out there. It might not sound like it since no-one is saying anything out of fear for their lives. Alex did a good job scaring everyone. He had the Blue-Drakes cut trails of fire around them before landing on their sides, and there are a ton of people running around out there in nothing but their underwear,” Kass said.

“I thought that was a nice touch, getting them to show up in their skivvies,” Mclean laughed. “I didn’t know you were such a lecherous old man, Darwin, but I like your style.”

“I . . .” Darwin was about to try defending himself, but then just stopped. He may have had good reasons for asking people not to show up fully armed and dangerous, but even if he tried to explain them to Mclean, there wasn’t much of a chance of her listening. “I guess you’re right,” he said defeatedly.
Is it bad that I kind of want to look around the corner even more now? Maybe I am a horn-dog
.
I’ll just blame Kitchens if Stephanie asks.

“That’s what shocked me too. Apparently, there are people in the kingdom below who ask for the death of our fearless leader and the destruction of his portal to Hell, the pit from which he regularly summons the Blue-Drake reinforcements from the abyss. That is why, surrounded by hundreds who had taken up this quest, this man’s bravery--these men’s bravery--at coming forth and answering the Great Lord’s call isn’t something to be overlooked. Perhaps we should spare their lives.”

“If they are answering the Great Lord Darwin’s quest, then to turn them away would be the same as calling our commander a liar. We can’t undo his word, so we’ll have to just let them in.” Alex had somehow managed to both project his voice and still make it sound quiet it at the same time.

“Not exactly. We will reward this one for standing up first, but the Great Lord Darwin did say that we would test the rest,” Kitchens corrected Alex. “Here. This is the armor of our people, and this is the weapon of our brothers. Since your hunger was greater than those around you, you are granted entrance before them. Wear our symbols with pride, and let no one say that the StormGuard Alliance is not fair and just in its rewards,” Kitchens said. Then, in a much louder and more booming voice, he added, “That goes for the rest of you! Those who work hard and let their hunger for victory and battle carry them to the front line of combat, to the very bowels of battle, and return with trophies and tales of conquest shall be rewarded. We shall match your bloodlust with our boons!”

“As the Great Lord Darwin has said it, let it be so. If they are to be tried, then I have the perfect trial. Edward! Front and center right now!”

Darwin saw a Blue-Drake carrying a Demon on his back descend the mountain as soon as Alex made the request.
Did he hear from all the way up there, or did they work out this part of the staging while I was busy?
he wondered curiously. As the Blue-Drake neared the platform that Kitchens and Alex were using for their spectacle, the soldier on top jumped off, dropping out of Darwin’s line of sight and likely onto the platform.

“Reporting for duty, General Alex. Who needs killing?” Edward barked quickly.

“Edward, you were one of the men on the front line during our battle with the Panda King. How many foes fell to the edge of your spear during that night?”

“One hundred and eighteen, sir.”

“What was the lowest kill count for a front line soldier?””

“Mine, General Alex. I apologize deeply for bringing you such shame even though you gifted me with the opportunity of standing front and center in the second battle of the Great Lord Darwin’s conquest.”

“A hundred and eighteen . . . Well, do you think that these men here should be held to the same standard?”

“Sir?”

“Do you think they should be made to kill a hundred fiendish people in battle in service of the Great Lord Darwin?”

“I apologize, General Alex, it’s not my place to give an opinion that you might not want to hear in public.”

“It is when I ask you. Tell me honestly, soldier. What are your thoughts?”

“I don’t think they have what it takes, sir. But if they were even able to kill one hundred in service of the Great Lord Darwin, then I don’t think that they would be any different than us. I think that if they did that, then we should give them the chance to earn honor under our flag as well.”

“Well spoken, Edward, well spoken. I think you speak truly as well. In fact, that shall be your task.” Alex turned to the assembled horde, “You are all temporary members of the StormGuard Alliance since the Great Lord Darwin himself invited you here, and as temporary members, we will give you temporary gear. If you are able to kill one hundred enemies in the service of the Great Lord Darwin, then you will be granted a position as a Blue-Drake rider, a soldier in his army.”

There was a bit of cheering from the crowd, and then more Blue-Drake riders showed up carrying bathrobes and weapons.
They didn’t spare any expense, did they? It looks like we really do have an immortal army now.

“As for you, Edward, I need you to report back to your commanding officer, Breht, for further training. We can’t have you shaming us in the next battle with such a low kill count,” Alex said and dismissed the soldier.

“As you command.” Edward didn’t put up an argument, and a moment later, his Blue-Drake could be seen flying back in the direction he had descended from.

“That’s your cue. Go on out.” Minx nudged Darwin.

Darwin stood up and started walking towards the gate before Minx stopped him. “No, no, they’re on the wall platform. Did you think they were standing out there with the rabble? No one would be able to see them well. Come on, Darwin, don’t be silly,” Minx demanded.

Aren’t you being a bit hypocritical asking me not to be silly?
Darwin laughed to himself as he changed directions and ascended the stairs. When he got to the top, he found himself a bit dumbfounded. There, standing below, was at the very least four hundred players, all in their underwear, and staring up at him.
Don’t stutter,
he teased himself. Any mistake or slip of the tongue would not only cause him a bit of humiliation, but might also reveal the fact that he wasn’t an NPC to the hordes that had followed him expecting endless loot and quests.

“Alex, is this the rabble you disturbed me for?” He looked over at the stalwart commander and then did his best to furrow his brow and look menacing as he cast his gaze over the assembled players. “Do you need me to kill them all for you, show you how it’s-- Wait . . .” he paused, doing his best to dramatize his reaction. “I know that one. That is my new pet dog, a fierce warrior among his people.”

“He’s not here to be a pet, Great Lord Darwin. He claims he is here to serve as a soldier in the front lines of our conquest,” Alex said, doing a half-bow with his right arm folded in front of him.

Kitchens, noticing Alex’s gesture, copied it as quickly as possible. “Indeed, we should reward his bravery, Great Lord Darwin, not tarnish his name for it,” he said.

Darwin pretended to take a moment to think. “And what about the others? Are they also here to fight?”

“Yes, your Lordship.” Alex maintained his bow, still not raising his head.

“Are they capable?” Darwin asked, knowing they were all probably just as talented, if not more so, as the people he was going to pit them against.

“We don’t know, your Lordship. They might be, but until we test them with a trial by fire, how can we dare let them carry the banner of those born in the lava pits of the underworld?”

The pits of the underworld?
Darwin almost snickered at how serious Alex’s express was while he said that.
How does he stay in character? And where does he get these ridiculous lines?
“Indeed, but these men, these women before us, they are blessed! Today, we will take our first steps in a campaign of destruction that will shake the very foundation of this world. Does that excite you?” Darwin said, turning to the crowd. “Do you hunger to mark your name in the Book of Death as the author of countless entries?”

The crowd, mostly mute up until then, actually responded with a cheer. It was weak, and uncertain at first, but it was definitely a cheer.

“Is that the extent of your spirit? Are you farmers being offered a discount on fertilizer or men being offered a chance at life?” Darwin tried to draw out a bigger response. If there was anything he had learned from the job so far, it was that if people thought they should be happy or excited about something, they would be. The throng gave a second, heartier cheer. “That’s more like it. What trial have you given them?”

“They have been tasked with killing a hundred men each,” Alex said, still maintaining the bow.

“Raise your head, you two. You’ve both done well,” Darwin said, noticing that the bow Alex and Kitchens were giving him wasn’t likely to disappear anytime soon.
A king in a play is still a king for a day,
he thought to himself, remembering he had to be aware of every part the king had to play. “As for this lot, I think a hundred might be asking too much of them. After all, they aren’t Demons yet, are they? Instead, register them in groups of ten. Each group of ten must reach, at the minimum, a hundred kills before they will be accepted as a Demon. But . . . The first group to reach a hundred kills and the group with the most kills at the end of each day shall be given Blue-Drakes to ride and allowed to choose from some of the finest weapons and armor.”