The Battered Heiress Blues (14 page)

I figured Henry would come looking for me, but he never did. After an hour, I made my way back to the house. His car trunk was open and the kitchen door was slightly ajar. His briefcase and papers were spread out over the table. He quickly shuffled them into a pile as I made my entrance, but he never acknowledged my presence. He was on the landline, conversing with someone, wearing a suit and tie- not proper attire for a casual evening at home with me. My heart sank. He screwed it up- again.

I sat down at the kitchen table while he closed his briefcase and walked outside. I heard the trunk close. I slid the diamond ring off my finger and laid it by his keys. He walked back in and sat down next to me, picking up the ring.

“What’s this?”

“The answer I promised you.”

“There’s a crisis at work. One of the lawyers I left in charge screwed up the land contracts for a big deal we’ve been working on for months. I’m the only one who can fix this. By the way, I got an ear full from your dad about not being able to get in touch with me. Would you know anything about that?”

The jig was up. I slid my hand into my pocket and pulled out the battery, depositing it next to his grandmother’s ring. I stood up and walked to the island, leaning against it for support. I knew that this was a possibility. The odds were 50/50 at best, but I had hoped for a better outcome.

“That’s just perfect.” He took his keys and the battery, placing them in his pants pocket, purposefully leaving the ring.

“What do you want me to say? Sorry? I’m not sorry.”

“You have very little faith in me, Julia.”

“Well, you lived up to my usual expectations.”

Henry stood and walked over. He was geared up for a fight. He wanted an excuse to leave- just like before.

“You don’t trust me. You don’t trust that I can do both things well.”

“Trust is earned. I’ve been here before, remember- déjà vu.”

“Yes, I recall. Now we just need a bloke to stand in for Jackson. Gabe will do, I suppose.”

“You should go. You should go before you say something else stupid.”

“Why did you do it? Why did you sabotage me and put my job in jeopardy?”

“I knew you’d make the wrong choice. You couldn’t possibly put me above business. It was mean for you to get my hopes up this time- especially now.”

“You know a little bit about mean, don’t you sweetheart? That’s like the kettle calling the pot black. So now it will be another Jackson, huh? He’ll probably be here before the end of the night. My side of the bed won’t even be cold. I’ll always be the get over guy to you; the one to call in a pinch, when you’re in some major meltdown and need a safety net.”

“First of all, it’s the pot calling the kettle black,” I said light-heartedly. “Second, you can’t possibly think that’s what you are to me? You’re being ridiculous.”

“Pot-kettle- whatever. You know what I’m saying. I don’t want to always be that guy, Jewels. I want to be the chosen one- not the winner by default.”

He turned away and walked to the end of the kitchen island, where he seemed to pause and contemplate his next words.

“Haven’t you always known?” I cautiously took a step forward.

“Known what?” Henry replied exasperated, refusing to face me.

“It’s you…always has been.” I took a few more steps forward until stopping directly behind him. “Jackson was the get over guy…the guy to get over you.”

Minutes passed with no reply. I began to feel embarrassed for cracking the only wall I’d managed to keep intact. I slowly started to retreat, backing up, watching for any sign of movement on his part, but it never came. He couldn’t even stand to look at me now. I was hurt. Henry had been the one bright spot in a storm of very bad days. I felt truly alone for the first time since losing Conner.

“Silence wasn’t really the reaction I was going for.” I tried to sound sincere, but in an oddly humorous sort of way. I turned and walked toward the back door. Sensing movement, I quickly looked back, but he had barely changed positions. “I’m going to go now. You should go… Go home, Tru.”

Henry finally turned towards me. His face looked like a blank piece of paper. I couldn’t read our history in his eyes. In that moment of nothingness, I couldn’t envision a future.

“What is the proper response?” He took a step forward, but remained guarded, arms folded across his chest.

“I should have never walked out that door. I should have chosen you over your father. Love is more valuable than a job…”

He cut me off. “You’re being unreasonable. Your demands required patience and you weren’t willing to wait. Where’s my apology?” He tried to restrain his anger, but he was mad as hell. “You make an ultimatum, become dissatisfied with the speed in which it is being carried out, and decide to punish me with that idiot Jackson. -Sleeping with someone else kind of made using the door a necessity, love.”

“You were gone long before the door, Tru. –Long before Jackson. He was a convenient excuse to walk away and have us both- me and your precious job.”

We were in each other’s face now.

“What does that mean?”

“You knew my love belonged to you- you alone. Jackson’s entrance just insured that you could work for my father and still have me in the corner pining away. You’re selfish. I see that now.”

“And you’re so perfect…the girl dropping her dress for the next best thing?”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I?”

“I didn’t drop my dress for Jackson that night. We were drunk. He was so plastered that he couldn’t perform a sex act on a blow up doll. He walked me home and passed out on the sofa, waiting for the car I called to take him downtown. Who is lacking the faith now, love?”

“You never told me.” He had a look of confusion on this face. The incident he’d used to solidify his cowardice had evaporated.

“You never asked. It wasn’t important enough to you. I wasn’t important enough to you. Just go home. Go back to New York where you’re loved and adored.”

“So you don’t love me now? You’re giving me back the ring. That’s your answer.”

“I don’t love being alone. I don’t love coming in second place. I don’t love attention followed by desertion. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than you.”

He was quiet now and thoughtful. My words, though honest, had injured him. He put his hand on my arm and stared deep inside me.

“You’re not alone. I’m here.”

“You’re here and I’ve never felt more alone. My life has been complicated and not all together devoid of drama, but it’s been a truthful journey. Our relationship is smoke and mirrors. I can’t count on you. I used to think that I was the one that needed to be rescued, but I see that’s just not the case anymore. I’m strong. My sadness doesn’t alter my strength. I have flaws, but they make me a fine mess. Someone once told me that. We used to laugh at those flaws.”

“We still can. Don’t make a rash decision. Not this time. Take the week. Take some time to think things through, for Christ’s sake. You’re being irrational, like always.”

“Tru, you’re the love of my life, but I can live without you, even if I don’t want to. Walk. Bask in the glow of your professional success. Gain power. Make your fortune. I may still be alone twenty years from now, but I’ll have lived an authentic life. I wouldn’t have spent precious years chasing an illusion. Just go away. We’re through. You’ve never been more unattractive to me then right now. Fear doesn’t become you.”

My dismissal of him made Henry visibly angry. I started to walk away, but he grabbed me and pulled me back harshly, taking my breath from me. The desperate aggressiveness in his actions and tone really annoyed me. I brought my arms up through the center and turned them outward, breaking his hold on me. He pointed his finger in my face and began yelling at me.

“You could use a healthy dose of fear. Flying by the seat of your pants without considering the consequences has caused you to lose a great deal, don’t you think?”

“You’re an ass.”

He answered under his breath, though still audible. “You’re the pain in my ass.”

I understood what he was implying and it made me sad that he would drag Connor into our argument. If he wanted to play the blame game, he was about to get a heaping dose.

“Well, I’ve been waiting for that- for someone to affirm that I killed my own baby. I just never thought it would come from you. Don’t you think that I blame myself every day for Connor’s death? Don’t you think I wonder, every day, every second of every minute, what would have happened if I didn’t flee from my life with Jackson and I had stayed in New York? It haunts me. I should be the one in the ground- not him. Not him.”

The tears began to flow now. He just stared at me like he was watching a building implode in front of his eyes. I had no sense that he wished he could take the words back that brought me to this sad place, again. I shook my head in disappointment and then wiped the tears from my face. Now I was mad. There was nothing left buried, deep down; those redeeming qualities of his that made me feel even a small amount of love for him.

“Where’s your sin in all of this- your responsibility? Have you ever stopped to consider how our lives might be right now if you’d stepped up…offered me a future when I told you about Jackson’s affair? I would never have gotten on that damn plane. My child would be alive. You ask me to marry you now…now, after I’ve already lost my baby? Your timing sucks. You’re just as much responsible as me.”

“You won’t lie that at my door, sweetheart. You got on that plane. You have to live with that decision. I can’t always rescue you from yourself.”

“No one is more in need of rescuing than you. One day, you’ll come to me. You’ll ask me to rescue you. Maybe I’ll have moved on.”

“So this is it then? You’re telling me that you don’t love me?”

“No. Unfortunately, it’s a split decision between my mind and my heart. You may have my love, but that emotion is something I can control. I’m not weak. I think I can keep my dress on when you’re around. The problem for you is that I don’t like you anymore. That’s a head thing.”

He took my face in his hands and caressed my cheeks. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him and remain composed. He kissed my lips, but I didn’t return his affection. I pulled his hands together and dropped them down between us.

“If you love me, you’ll let me go.”

“You don’t get to determine who I love.”

“If you don’t go now, we won’t have a friendship left to salvage.”

“You demand everything from people.”

“I give everything.”

“Damn it Jewels, we can make this work.”

“No, we can’t. You can’t dangle a life in front of me that you’re not prepared to give. It’s not fair. No matter how much progress we make, finding our way back to one another, we always end up here- in this place. Just go and stay gone this time.”

“Well, I’m not going to beg you to stay with me. I’ll leave while I have a bit of my pride left intact.” He stood before me broken- it was like looking in the mirror- both our eyes full of tears and rage; neither of us knew how to let go completely.

“Good” I said uncaring and dismissive.

“I love you,” he pleaded.

“You love yourself first and best- always have.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“But I do. I choose me.”

“I choose you too,” he insisted, “I love you.”

“You can’t love me.”

“That’s like telling my heart not to beat.”

I turned and walked out the kitchen door. He followed me, stopping just inside the door frame.

“Don’t leave again Jewels. You have to stop running.”

I walked back inside the kitchen and pushed him back until he cleared the door.

“You’re right. This is my house. You leave.” With that, I slammed the door in his face and locked it. Walking by the ring that he left on the kitchen table, I made my way upstairs. Parting the drapes, I watched him abide by my wishes. He left me, as requested.

No overture was made on his part- no beating on the door and yelling to me on the veranda above. He simply got into his rental car and drove away. I had undergone a great transformation of self. I made the hard choice- the kind of choice that hurt now, but would be better later- or at least I kept telling myself that.

9