The Beast and Me (13 page)

Day 57

I’m so grateful that they left me alone today; even though I miss... what do I miss? Whom?

I need to shower but everything burns. And the memory of water running across these open marks makes me cringe. I need to help myself but everything aches. I’m a puddle of acid.

When I returned yesterday there was ointment on my table and I make sure that every spot is soaked with that. It helps, but water doesn’t.

And I’ll never forget that eerie expression on White’s face as Jay was gone and he came in to cover me with a bathrobe. I... I don’t really want to write it down. One can imagine that look on his face... even though he acted like he didn’t examine me, every inch of me. No, he wanted and wants to play the good one, despite what had just happened: Two people doing what he had wanted them to.

I am so, so, so relieved that there’s no other smell on me allowed, otherwise who knows what White would do to me. Hopefully Jay and I will never be separated for a long term without White being gone with him as well...

Day 58

Whatever ingredients that ointment they gave me has, it works like a miracle. I guess that was the itching I had to endure through yesterday. It was driving me nuts, so that I slept naked despite everything, because I couldn’t bear sensing the fabric on my skin. And now I have the odd feeling that someone put it on my back once more while I was asleep. ... It would explain what I dreamed.

No one’s going to read it anyhow, right?

It started off... awesome... I shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

So here we go: I dreamed of Jay... being between my legs, like the day I returned after him scarring me. I guess it had felt that amazing in real life as well because why else...? However, I just could see his eyes and I ran my hand through his hair. When he suddenly looked up and... It was Peter. Okay, I know dreaming is the voice of your sub-consciousness and yes, of course I would hope that they are one and the same person. I wrote that before, but I just know that it’s not the case. There is no way that Peter’s appearance would warp that extremely.

However... he moved up to kiss me and as he pulled back all of the sudden it was... White.

“You really think it’s that easy?” he asked and his hands ran up my body, across my skin until he reached my neck and started to choke me, while he... entered me.

I stood up straight in my bed.

This is just crazy. I think this is what happens when you’re not part of a social system, when the one in charge really is in charge, of everything, especially your own life. White came to visit me after Breakfast. Earlier than I had expected to be taken to my workout, which was why I was in the bathroom trying to take care of my scratches. Because of that I was barely fast enough to cover myself with my T-shirt. He obviously didn’t mind. Instead, he stepped next to me and took the ointment. I froze. He just really started to put the stuff onto my back. As he spoke, he sounded oddly casual: “How did you know?”

Of course I was confused about this question; I had expected him to say something sleazy about the day before yesterday but then this. However, he figured out by the way I looked at him through the mirror, that I had no clue.

“His name”, White explained calmly, too calm for my taste and my body betrayed me with goose bumps.

Yet, I figured that he didn’t want me to know how he felt about it. And then it dawned on me what or rather he meant: “His name?” I repeated, just to clarify for myself, though I still wasn’t sure.

“Jay”, the man in the mirror gave me a dark glance, which was not an annoyed one.

This look... it was terrifying, like getting a glimpse into his mind through the black pupils fixating on me. Into this black abyss that was White, with all its ugliness and evil thoughts. Like he perfectly knew the effect of this glance, like he wanted to intimidate me into giving up all my secrets or sources.

Was he thinking that I was an implant?

“I... I...?” I heard myself stammer, “How?” being unable to look away, like a prey in countenance of death.

“You said his name”, White stayed calm, though he was speaking lower than I was used to, and I remembered, more like I was recalling a dream, or some lost time of a night being far too drunk.

It was so far away that I couldn’t tell whether it had been a dream or imagination. The memory alone gave me chills and I could picture myself, heard myself exhaling out the name I thought I had created for myself, while he...

“How did you know?” now I could hear a slight tremble in his tone alarming me that he was losing his patience.

“I just... ”, I answered, clawing my fingers into the fabric I held to my chest, covering me; “You named him Ten. Jay is the tenth letter of the alphabet. There are few male names I know starting with the letter J, so I didn’t really try to pick one and went with the obvious. I just... needed to have a name for him.”

The words tumbled out of my mouth and while they did, I literally could watch White’s face lighten up.

“So just a coincidence”, he smiled slightly, which was maybe even more terrifying, still I nodded eagerly.

“Walk with me”, he said, and before I could say something he had taken my bathrobe from the wall and placed it around me, holding my shoulders to move me alongside with him, and also showing that he wouldn’t take “No” for an answer.

I already was too shocked and shaken to protest and when that state had lessened I didn’t dare even propose getting some real clothes, because I was at his mercy in every way possible.

Somehow I sensed that he just waited for me to be a bad girl so that he could punish me again. Even though it was a strange feeling of power, knowing that I could have a special effect on someone just by getting my rear slapped, I didn’t want that to happen again.

However, I quickly closed the bathrobe, still holding my shirt, which I had slept in, before White led me out of my room. Peter was standing there, but was told by his superior to stay and not accompany us.

I tilted my head forward and covered my face with the falling hair, trying to hide the fact that I was technically half-naked beneath that bathrobe and my burning ears.

We walked and White didn’t let go of me, still holding his arms around my shoulders. I was so confused and terrified about what he was planning to do, because he was so unpredictable. My mind did back flips pondering what I was walking into now, what he wanted to do with me, but I tried to calm down, telling myself what I was here for and how Jay wouldn’t handle it well if I... smelled differently.

Odd thoughts in real life. Crazy even. But my life is crazy and being odd seems to be the only way to keep myself somewhat sane.

We walked the way I would by now find blindfolded on my own, but somehow I knew that White wouldn’t bring me to the cage – he never had before – and in fact: he didn’t. We walked past it, further than I had ever gone in this complex and my heart was beating even more heavily than it had before.

Our way brought us around the cage and I realized that the whole construction of this building complex seemed to be a dice or something with straight walls on the outside with the rooms forming smaller dice on the inside.

At least it appears to me like this, because of the regularity. Maybe I’m wrong, but if this is true, it will help me escape.

Suddenly we stopped at the other end of the dice that seemed to be Jay’s cage. There was another heavy metal door with a small barred window in it, allowing no privacy. White positioned me in front of it and I knew he wanted me to look inside.

This in fact looked like a prisoner’s cell, or like a soldier’s room? Something in between maybe. A mattress on the ground, or at least what was left of it. It looked like a wild animal had tried to tear this place down. There was a half-destroyed locker, the mirror was shattered, but held in place, maybe because it was security glass?

Confused, I turned and looked at White, who seemed somewhat pleased about my reaction.

“This happened because of you”, he stated. “Not only because he had to punish you”, he added, because he obviously saw protest twitch in my face, “but because you said his name.”

These words and what they meant made me swallow and I felt guilt heavily in my stomach. Suddenly the door was opened and he shoved me inside.

“You mean that much to him”, I heard White behind me. “So much that you, only by saying his name, made him do this. Enjoy your work.”

The door behind me was shut. Instantly I turned around, but his face wasn’t in the window.

I don’t know if White was aware of what he had done. I’m sure he wanted to punish me in a different way of reminding Jay of having a name of being a human.

What a coincidence truly.

Or maybe they just were too lazy to think of a more creative way to name their subjects. Still, this also destroyed my theory about there being at least ten of them, it could be less. It could be way more. However, they probably hadn’t picked their subjects just for staying true to the alphabet. And possibly, I was just wrong, and Jay wasn’t really his name and Ten only thought it was because of me?

Probably White just wanted me to spread my scent in Jay’s room, which I did just by standing there. I don’t know how long I didn’t move, just looking at this place, realizing how much better my own situation was in comparison.

This cell was just as small as my first one and just as dark, though there was a second door. I figured it lead outside – regarding my theory concerning this facility.

And yes, the room has a vent, high above the ground. I guess if I get inside the air circulation system I might have to climb a little. Yes, I’m thinking about visiting him ‘outside the visiting hours’ don’t blame me. I just want to see his face, like his real face, his human face.

Jay even had managed to damage his metal basin and I can imagine now how strong he really is if he is able to do something like that. I stared into the shattered mirror for a moment. How cruel, I thought, to put a mirror there, so that he would see that face he was wearing now due to whatever they had done to him. Then again, wouldn’t it be crueler to not have one?

Right then and there, as I was staring at my distorted reflection in that mirror, my hands remembered that I was still pressing my t-shirt to my body below that bathrobe.

I still had my shirt in my hand and that damaged basin is hollow. Since he had punched a hole in my brain connected two seemingly desultory dots together: quickly I checked if there still was no one watching me, if I could spot any cameras in this strangely high room, and then I stuffed my shirt right in there.

I mean, if Jay should be reminded of me, he should have something better than just my scent in the air that would volatilize far too quickly.

I don’t know if it was the right decision. I didn’t even decide to do it, I just did. And when I was finished, I found something on the ground. He had broken off one of his claws. Without thinking I took it and dropped it into my pocket.

Maybe White saw that I had taken the claw, because as I straightened up he was standing there, looking at me. If he did, he didn’t say anything about it.

He doesn’t know that it is not just a souvenir. I tested it. I can move the screws on my vent with it. It’s that robust.

Now I wait and see if I get to see him today. Somehow I doubt it. Even though it’s a straight day, yet, in a way, I have seen him, and he is being punished for destroying his room.

I was right. Peter brought me to the gym after Lunch and that was it. Now I just have finished Dinner.

I’ll try to open the vent tonight.

Day 59

The lights had gone out and I waited for time to go by until I could go to the bathroom and try what I had planned to do. I didn’t fall asleep and I went to the bathroom, but I couldn’t bring myself to try. Instead, I just looked at that claw.

If I hadn’t known it any better I would have doubted that this was once attached to Jay’s hand. It’s big, and yet there are no stains of blood on it, so actually it hasn’t broken off directly from his finger, which means they are huge, like a lion’s or a cougar’s. I held it to my index finger and, it rather would fit on my thumb. It gave me a strange sick feeling in my stomach. And now I have something in my possession that proves that everything that has happened to me is real.

It’s not a dream, not a hallucination, not something drug induced. It is real. And this claw matches the scars on my stomach. This is real.

I had no idea where to put it. Somehow I couldn’t bring myself to place it beneath my pillow, and putting it where I hid my scotch tape – in my hygiene box – seemed even stranger. No, now it’s in my second pair of shoes. Remind me not to step on it. I cannot carry it around the whole day or hold it in my hand. One would notice, but I need a better place to hide it, anywhere it doesn’t give me the creeps looking at it.

It’s a claw, a fingernail for God’s sake. Usually I’d find it gross to not put it in the waste bin, but then again: my life isn’t usual anymore.

Peter asked if he could sit down with me for Lunch after I haven’t spoken to him on the way to the gym and back. He escorted me alone again today, but I didn’t know what to say to him. Not after what had happened. One could think White had planned this, which would mean that Peter was involved, so how could I trust him?

Yes, I kissed him, but he kissed me first. It’s not like I am in a normal situation right? And we barely know each other. I mean I liked him.  I still do, because there is still the possibility that White has played him as well. It even appears to be more believable than Peter being... an ass.

Why do I try to explain myself? Or why am I clinging to the thought that Peter is innocent, had nothing to do with this. Do I hate the idea of being so blind, or of being utterly alone on the good side... well there’s Jay. And he’s good right? If he’s innocent... I cannot say that for sure, I know even less about him than I know about Peter. And still trusting him is plain crazy. Hoping to see Jay again is just as insane, because obviously I’m just there to... for him to... be socialized in the most primitive way. I can’t start complaining now, right?

However, I agreed. Let’s see what happens.

Peter said he was sorry. He’d better be. I told him what happened and he was shocked. Either Peter is a hell of an actor or he really didn’t know, or maybe he didn’t expect how far White would go. And he repeatedly apologized and promised that he wouldn’t approach me.

Unless I would first. As if. As if I would want to risk White treating me like his personal little schoolgirl once more; even though that taught me more about this Dr. Frankenstein than I wanted.

There is something off about the way Peter speaks when we talk about White. It’s not like he avoids saying that man’s real name, still he’s... careful and hesitant, and obviously he doesn’t really talk about him, or talk bad about him. So are there also microphones in my room? Or is this something else? Peter knows more than he lets on to and of course it makes me doubt if I should trust him at all. Then again: he’s the only nice person I get to see, because Doc, well... I kind of don’t want to meet her again, understandably.

Somehow I managed to loosen two screws, just a little. I didn’t want to raise any suspicions by staying in the bathroom for too long. I shouldn’t even write this down. Well: try to find my claw, you won’t. No, it’s not where I put it before, just stashed it away somewhere else, just in case you are really reading this while I am away.

However, I barely moved them and I need to loosen all eight. It will take me days. And if I notice that they are sitting tight again, I really have proof that you are reading my personal, private diary. Curse you.