The Beast and Me (10 page)

Day 45

I slept through the night, like a stone. So... maybe tonight, I doubt that they will bring me to him. Have they ever? Two days in a row? And I really slept well, deep and dreamless. Not that I dream much. It’s always blurry and never really makes sense anyhow.

Maybe I’ll try it today.

However, White kept his promise. I just realized today. There were books and paintings, a lamp on a nightstand next to my bed and a double scotch tape on my table. So I can put up the pictures by myself. Apparently I don’t get any nails, but maybe I can keep the tape.

The books, I don’t know why he brought me ‘Jane Eyre’ and ‘Wuthering Heights’, and... the Twilight series.

Guilty. Well, okay, one needs to be distracted.

However: I put up the pictures and I hid some of the tape in my container for female hygiene. Since... you never know, right?

Writing all of this down really helps me keep calm. It’s not that I don’t think about my family or the friends I have lost who might still think about me.

It’s not like I don’t keep wondering if anyone misses me on campus and what they did to cover the tracks. And I can’t stop pondering if he, my beast, Ten...

I really hate that number...

I mean, maybe he’ll get the chance to tell me his name, but until then, I have to call him something different. I don’t want to make him a number, or a subject.

So... the tenth letter in the alphabet is J. J is good, maybe I’ll find a name for it I like, maybe that’s even the letter his name starts with? Maybe Jay is even his name? I can’t stop thinking, wondering if he has or had a family as well. If he’s artificial or if he was human once and they have changed him.

Maybe John? Too obvious. Johnathan? Sure... Jason? Jeremy? It’s not the Vampire Diaries. Jensen... nah... Jean... that’s just French for John. There aren’t many names with J... at least not many I can think of. Maybe I should’ve come up with something different.  I’ll keep it simple then: Jay. Thinking of that letter makes me grin like a love-crazed teenager. But I’m not in love, how could I be?

I tried not to freak out. I swear. I tried to do my best, to act reluctantly as Peter and White came to take me. I kept telling myself that they wouldn’t take me to him, to Jay... I don’t dare put down the name on paper. It’s stupid. It’s my diary, right? Still. I tried to make big eyes and look up to White pretending to be his little shy girl and I made him smile. I freaking made that man smile.

He’s tall and has ash-blond hair. I believe he’s turning gray as well. And he’s almost taller than Peter. His eyes are gray, flat gray, like he has no soul...

I should’ve called him that and not White, but I can’t change my mind now. Not that it’s really important.

We walked that usual way and I tried to be anxious, even though I was excited. Luckily, those two emotions expressed appear similar to others who don’t know anyone well enough to tell the difference. I didn’t dare believe that I would see Jay again.

White told Peter to wait outside of the first room.

I wrote down that there’s another room you enter before you get into the cage, didn’t I? That has actually stairs leading upwards to the monitoring room? Well, I wrote that now.

White told Peter to stay outside of it, and he followed that order with a dark expression, a brief glance towards me that made me worried. Still, he left and as the door behind him, and the one leading to the monitoring room, was shut as well, White and I were alone. It was not the first time, but still it made me anxious. He placed his hands on my shoulders and I tried to keep up this mask I had faked for him.

“Starting tomorrow you won’t have to see him for a week”, he told me and I knew that I turned pale; I felt it, just like my heart dropped to my feet.

“Did I... do something wrong?” I asked before I could stop myself, but White took it right anyway; he laughed: “Oh no, Deary, you did great. You were a really nice girl and that is why you get a break.”

Smiling shyly while feeling like someone has annihilated the ground beneath your feet isn’t easy.

It hurts, physically and much more: it cuts deeply, like you have to tear and rip your face and muscles into the right position. I couldn’t tell him that he was punishing me with this, tormenting me.

“He’s in for some tests as well, so you won’t see me for about a week”, he continued, sounding like that would mean something terrible for me.

Looking sad and downhearted on the other hand never came so easily. It was a kind of relief being able to show that. Should White believe that my Stockholm syndrome applied to him, and not Jay.

I won’t see him for a week, for a whole week. Does this have to do something with me being on my period this week? Or do they want to test him because he obviously cares about and for me?

I was in chaos, I felt like being tossed around by a tornado. I didn’t consciously notice that he told me to undress myself, but I did it; in front of him. GROSS. But at least I had turned my back on him and he... maybe he had already closed the door behind me. I can’t tell.

Jay wouldn’t tolerate me smelling like someone else, definitely, right? So White would never touch me... right?

I’m freaking out!

I’m going insane.

Building my life around these regular things and most of all having him, Jay, close, kept me together and now they took that away from me. I need to focus and write. Think. Focus. Stick to the plan.

I never truly realized how cool it is in the cage until today. Maybe I froze because I already started to miss him. I had no idea how to behave. So I stepped towards the bars and stared through them, not moving even as I watched them sliding to the side. I waited, and waited.

I felt like I was waiting for an eternity, until I heard a movement behind me. And I knew he was there, again, not wanting me to see his face. I stayed where I was, tensed up like I was, and my heart racing in despair. Tears already were burning in my eyes.

The way he moved his hands across my skin, pulling me towards him... he knew it, he knew that something was wrong. His reluctance faded instantly as I leaned towards him, telling him that it wasn’t his fault. Not really.

Well, partly, because he makes me miss him.

My eyes grazed briefly that horrid window and I felt like I knew that White was watching, so I bit my lip, like this was terrible for me. In fact, I wanted to turn around, and pull him close towards me, feel him in a way I wasn’t allowed to. For White this only was about giving Jay what he needed as a male creature. I know that for him it’s more than just that.

And then... he turned me around, towards him.

I feared my heart would want to strike because it beat that fast. Yes, his face was all warped again into this strange mixture of human and cougar.

These copper-green cat-like eyes... You know his lips aren’t split like feline ones and his nose isn’t as flat. Still, it could be disturbing to look at him. Even more now, seeing his face that close, but I knew that I wouldn’t get to see him for a week and all I saw were his eyes, these golden-green cat-like eyes asking, worrying, and wondering.

You cannot tell me that he’s just some dull creature, that he has no feelings, only instincts. No one can make me believe that. White: don’t ever try.

I managed to bring up one of my hands, shaking, but I touched his face, and he nuzzled his cheek into my palm. There was a hole where my heart should beat. I felt like crying. I do feel like crying still.

However, I sensed the clock ticking, like I could see White getting impatient. I even heard the speaker cracking, just like Jay.

Just like that, my back was on the ground and he held my wrists above my head with one of his clawed hands. It all happened so quickly, too fast for me to be scared. 

So, I was simply surprised and looked at him, and the expression on his face, a wild cocktail of self-loathing and need, of pain and care.

Everything fell into slow motion, and I feel like it is happening right now once more as I write it. How he leaned on that arm, he used to pin me down, how his other hand brushed down my skin, making me move one leg away from the other, how I felt cold that moment he broke the touch. This terribly wonderful moment he entered me.

It’s like time is stepping back to watch, like air becomes more solid without becoming heavier. Every time he does that to me. His fangs and lips on my neck are such a strange contrast and combination to all of this. I wish I could describe it. I know I repeat myself. He just erases everything. It’s just like they say about drugs. Nothing else is important anymore. No real pain, no real worries, no fear. He is my heroin.

The most agonizing thing is the moment of realization. As we caught our breaths and I knew that Jay would have to go again. I whispered that I would miss him. I think he didn’t know the extent of what I had said, but what I saw just before he moved away felt more painful than his claws slashing my skin.

I swear his pupils were round and his eyes were darker, like the green I had imagined in my fantasies.

I swear that his features were softer, were more human. I know it. I know it for sure. Like pulling at my hair is painful.

His state is not permanent. He changes.

I know that I wrote this before, but I always doubted, always tried to make myself believe without any proof. I always thought that this was something I hoped for. But those eyes were human. He is human.

They’ve done something to him.

He is human.

Please, God, let me see him again.

Day 46

I really don’t want to write today, or at all, anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

Peter’s smile is so annoying and he keeps doing that even though I tell him to leave me alone.

Yes, workout was
just great
! Ruined a pair of new panties and pants, because; guess what! Thank you Mother Nature. Luckily I have always a change ready in the locker room, because I don’t have extra clothes for training. Left the blood spilled rags on the ground. Have fun with that.

I don’t want to read. I just want to cuddle up and sleep, and weep. Not that I have. I’ve got cramps. Seriously.

I’ve never had it that suddenly, that heavily. Like... don’t they give me something? Shouldn’t it help?

Whatever.

That I won’t see Jay, that it will be another six days, makes it worse. Yes... like this I would definitely freak him out. No, I wouldn’t be that pissed like I am right now. I’m pissed. I’m annoyed. I don’t care.

Why can’t I see Doc and ask for something to help? At least Peter leaves me alone and I don’t have to worry about White showing up.

I’m just lying here, curled up, caught up between anger and being hysterically sad. I feel so alone, but I want to be alone. No, I don’t... I want Jay curling up around me.

I want to be home. I want my Mom, or my Dad. I miss my cat. I miss feeling insecure around all those normal people in my normal, boring life.

Dammit.

Day 47

I want home. I really want to go home. Where I can switch off the lights and just... I want to go home.

I threw my pillow at Peter, and I think I yelled something like “I don’t do workouts on my period!”

Maybe it was loud enough for White to hear.

Why don’t I have a hot-water bag?

I think they can mind-read. Guess what Peter brought me? Oh yes, paradise. I’m not apologizing though. He didn’t look at me like he was expecting or waiting for it. Usually I’m not that emotional. I think it’s just everything lashing down on me now.

I’m so tired.

Day 48

I think it’s because whatever they put in my food. Or maybe it’s because of me actually having sex regularly... Sure... It’s never... I never felt like that during my period. Why do I even write this down?

It’s the third day without talking to anyone, like really talking. Peter doesn’t count. It’s the third day without seeing Jay. Like I really ever have talked to him, but he does count.

I know it will be over, right? This will be over. It’s just seven days.

This is the third so far to go, four more to endure.

But I still miss home. I still miss the sun, the fresh air. Not like I ever was someone being outside the whole day. I’m not the one that bathes in the sun a lot, but it still feels good on the skin. I always kept to myself. It’s like now I realize what I am missing, now that I know I might never have the chance again to actually just do that: be around people, lie down and sunbathe. The smell of grass, of rain... I miss that. I miss outside. I miss classes. I miss seeing the other students whispering, ignoring me, or looking down at me. I miss normal. I miss boring. I miss being average. I miss... being a human.

I’m sure Jay misses that too.