The Beast and Me (21 page)

Day 79

I woke up in the middle of the night, but that doesn’t surprise me, honestly. So, being wide awake, I decided to go for a stroll. Those three days are still wearing down on me, but having eaten three decent meals and countless hours of sleep made me feel strong enough to give it a try. I hadn’t planned on going far anyways.

I crawled my way down to the supply room and of course the grate was stuck. I don’t know how I am supposed to open it without any tools. The screw heads are on the other side and I can’t do anything with my fingers.

I need a nipper or a screw-wrench, so that I can hold the grate with one hand and unscrew with the other.

Where do I get a nipper from? There’s no way I can open that without anything from this side. I could only kick against it and make an alarming noise and even if I manage to get into that room and back up again, how will I close that thing without anyone noticing that I got in?

I’ve never been the girl using others for her own advantage, but I think I have to, and I think I have to go to the fullest. I don’t know if I can, but haven’t I have made the decision already?

I asked Peter if he wanted to eat Lunch with me. If it was okay, because I couldn’t stand being alone.

I think it was logical to say, something believable. When he brought me to the gym, I tried to move closer to him, just a little, so that I would accidentally touch him. I’m not doing a bad thing. This isn’t Paradise, this isn’t even normal Earth, this is Hell and Peter knows exactly where he is. His actions have caused me suffering. He cannot be as naïve as I was when I came here. He can’t be. I know I sound like I have to justify myself, and I do. I’m about to become as cold and relentless as them, and I never wanted to.

Something unexpected happened at Lunch.

White brought me my food instead of Peter and I did my very best to force a shy smile on my lips. He had wanted to show me that he was the master, and that I was whatever he wanted me to be.

I tried to remind myself of that and not take the fork and ram it into his neck. I would love it to be covered in his blood. It would have been easy, the chances that he would bleed out quickly and die weren’t auspicious, but it also would decrease my chances for escape to a minimum.

Nonetheless picturing me do it and exploiting the image of my theoretical action’s result gave me the calmness I needed right then.

I played the nice and shy girl I had been before he had taken me. Pretending to be my old self was harder than I thought though. These eleven weeks have changed me irretrievably. Something in his look adds to my belief that he is jealous of Jay.

I cannot say why. It’s just a feeling, an experience of watching his behavior.

“I heard you would like some company”, White said and Peter brought his food, not looking at me, and it stung, but instead of sadness there was nothing but anger inside of me. “So I thought that I would join you today.”

He didn’t continue so I figured that he wanted me to answer. I didn’t look up, since I didn’t want him to see the disgust and hatred in my eyes. Instead, I wanted him to think that I was scared, meek and the little girl he wanted me to be. Though I knew deep down inside he just begged for me to do something so that he could punish me again. And it was this thought that gave me the strength to act like I did, to pretend to be a scared little bunny facing a giant snake. I wouldn’t give him any reason to punish me.

“That, ” I added a pause on purpose, keeping my eyes glued to my tray “is very kind of you.”

So we ate and he asked me stupid things. About if I liked my books, especially the new ones, my paintings, my room. As if I’d appreciate it now, as if I was grateful for his hospitality. I gave shy, low and brief answers and nodded, avoiding looking at him directly. I think I nailed it.

And then he asked me what Yoga postures I was able to do. I simply got up to show him, evidently without thinking twice about it. After putting that mat in a direction where he could perfectly see me, I pulled off my shirt, not looking at him and started doing some of those figures.

“Very good”, he approved and nothing else, trying to sound fatherly or something like that, I couldn’t care less if he was proud of me.

I only thought of making the right performance for my own benefit. I know he likes to watch, maybe he loves watching even more than everything else.

I guess that this is something I can make work for me. I hope it does, honestly, because I don’t want to pull the ‘punish-me’-card. That one is the last resort.

Of course I wasn’t taken to Jay after that visit, so I asked Peter for a walk after Dinner and he agreed hesitantly. Maybe he sensed that there was something off about me, maybe he himself has trouble trusting. I won’t think about him, I shouldn’t care about anyone’s feelings, but mine, and Jay’s. I hope he’s okay, I hope he’s not worried sick.

There was no Gray, so I was lucky, I guess. I moved closer to Peter again. I need him to show that he cares, even if he doesn’t, that he has an effect on me, and I won’t deny that he has, because I can’t figure him out.

To make myself act correctly, I thought about the fact that outside of these walls I was officially dead. My parents had buried me. For some time I had managed to ignore this fact, but as I thought of it again, I didn’t need to act trembling. Instantly, Peter asked if we should go back and I shook my head.

“I can’t stand to be watched, it feels like they are touching me”, I said and he moved away. “I don’t want them to use me. I just want... to be safe.”

That wasn’t a lie, and I said it, when we passed that storage room, hoping that he would maybe act on my indication. Peter took my hand and squeezed it gently, nothing more. This room would have given us some privacy and me the chance to take something. But let’s be honest, I hadn’t expected it to be that easy. It will take time. I don’t know if I have enough patience.

Day 80

I don’t want to become like them. I don’t want to become a cruel, vicious person that cares only for oneself. But I know if I don’t, I won’t get out of here. I’m not sure if I even have a chance to, but I will have to try. If I don’t try, I will eventually break, and I will not only lose the person I once was, I would undo myself. I cannot let that happen.

And I guess that I only have one shot at it. I keep asking myself what might happen if I fail, and how they will punish me. Now knowing what happens if I even act rebellious. What will they do to me when I fail to escape? The only value I have for them is how he values me, Jay. I don’t want to use him. I will never use him. He’s the only one that doesn’t deserve it. He is the only one. The others don’t care, so I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t care about Peter.

God, I miss Jay. It’s been a week, but it feels so much longer. After what has happened, not having him near is even more painful. If they don’t bring me back to him, I will have to break my silent promise.

Now I know how they do it, those chicks who get whatever they want, whenever they want. I doubt they have their own personality, they just become that what the other one desires, so they get whatever they are aiming for. Not that this makes any sense in my eyes. I touched him accidentally, I smiled shyly, I even blushed because of shame, but of course he didn’t know that. I think it worked. He smiled back in the same way. It makes me feel sick and bad, most definitely unfair. It has upset me already; how far am I even able to go.

I miss Jay so much and I’m so worried. I’ve trained so hard today that I know I will be sore. I worked out until my muscles ached and went further until I had no strength left. I don’t know for how long I sat in the shower. That was when I realized that I’ve been here for more than two and a half months. Eighty days.

I need someone to hold me to give me strength. I don’t know if I can make it. It’s like I had managed to lie to myself the whole time, to believe that this is a weird dream, but I know it’s not. I know it’s real. And I know there is no line for them that they won’t cross. I know that I will end up doing things I have never imagined possible, things I have never even thought of thinking about. I need Jay. I need him so much more than just to survive. I need him to stay alive.

I heard Peter ask my name, that’s when I managed to get up and out of the shower. I told him that I was okay and would need to get dressed. He didn’t answer, but waited. I didn’t even intend to say that with a hidden agenda, but of course I guess he must have thought about me being naked and wet when I answered him. And I knew I was right the moment I stepped outside, because he avoided looking at me, and his smile was awkward.

So, of course I had been thinking about visiting Jay, but I was so worn out that I couldn’t even do my usual Yoga. So I went straight to bed.

Something happened. The midnight round.

The door was opened and someone checked on me, and I expected the one – whoever it was – to leave and... he didn’t. That was when I instantly knew it was Peter, who sneaked into my room, closing the door behind him inaudibly.

“How are you?” he asked me and I was shocked, scared even, just for a moment.

This was Peter, who had never forced himself on me, whose only fault had been that White had been watching, anticipating. He is one of them, yes, but as far as I can tell, he’s still rather good. Apart from that, I had encouraged him; I just hadn’t expected that it would work so well and so fast.

Quickly I sat up, pulled the blanket against my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs.

“What are you doing?” was the only thing I was able to bring out, using the trembling of discomfort in my voice to make it sound like I was worried.

I was, just about something else. Despite me telling myself over and over again that he was as good as one of them could be.

“These cameras don’t have night vision”, Peter gave back and added: “I checked.”

Yes, they don’t have night vision. These cameras can’t see when I’m going to visit Jay, and still I can’t trust that this is the truth. For all I know White can deceive pretty much everyone and Peter is just another one of his pawns. Apart from that Peter was still there, in my room, with a closed door.

My heart started hammering and I questioned my judgment concerning him. He just stood there, a silhouette in the darkness, unmoving, staring in my direction. It never was entirely dark in this room, because they couldn’t shut the dim light off from the corridors that usually went on when someone passed them by, still... I knew I had to say something, so that this situation didn’t go downhill.

“You cannot get out!” I shrieked whisperingly, pointing at the door, knowing exactly that he had a wristband to use, but I couldn’t find anything else to say, even though it made me feel so embarrassingly stupid.

“The scanner works from the outside and inside alike. There’s no need for someone to stand outside and wait for me”, he answered and I knew he wasn’t thinking I was stupid, he gave me more credit than I deserved that moment.

It took him just a few steps to get to my bed and I was paralyzed. I had no idea what he was going to do, until he did it. He grabbed my face and kissed me, like WE had been waiting for this like forever. I was too stunned to even react or act for that matter.

“I thought after what happened, you wouldn’t... care for me anymore”, he said, still holding my head and looking at me. “I’m sorry... I should have been more careful. But now I’m prepared, you see?” he smiled insecure and I don’t know how I did it but I smiled back and nodded.

Peter kissed me again. I didn’t know what else to do but allow it and reply to him, even as he pushed me slowly onto my back.

My heart and head were panicking.

This was the way I had chosen: deception and lies, selling myself for an almost unreachable goal without any guarantee of success.

I felt helpless, not knowing what else to do than to imagine that it was Jay. Yet, pretending that Peter was Jay was a huge mistake, such a huge mistake, because I must have kissed him in a way that encouraged him way more than I had anticipated.

His hands moved down my neck to my breasts and I pulled away, gasping for air, turning my head and the illusion shattered into piercing splinters. Peter didn’t stop, but brought his hands to the rim of my shirt and my cursed body responded, because it needed exactly what his hands were promising.

But I knew, I knew this wasn’t Jay and I knew this wasn’t right, and I knew I still had to go with it somehow, someway.

“Stop”, I exhaled painfully, “please”, and then it hit me, and I let those three days crash down on me.

“I... I’m sorry...”, I started sobbing.

It was so easy, because the situation got the better of me. This wasn’t me, this is not me, and I hated everything about this, about me, at that very moment.

“I’m sorry”, he instantly backed off, stammering.

I even made him flinch as I tensed, because of him, trying to comfort me. “I... I’m sorry”, he repeated me.

“I...” I brought out and tried to find something to say, something that would make sense without being a lie.

“You need time.” Peter was quicker to continue. “I’m such an idiot, I’m sorry, this whole situation, I’m so stupid”; and he got up and left.

My mind was blank for what felt like... the length of a school documentary. Drip per drip what happened sunk into my brain. Inevitably, I was stumbling half blind into a narrow one-way-street. I had Peter where I wanted him, in a way I wasn’t sure I really could control.

I am playing with fire in a room full of explosives, but I’m not the only one who will go down if I burn myself and drop the flame. Jay is with me there and he has no idea what the hell I have started.

And then, when my eyes started to burn from weariness, I had an idea. I never thought that I could think so mischievously.