The BEDMAS Conspiracy (13 page)

“Hey,” he greeted us. “I've been doing a little recon and things are looking good. Everyone's read the article about us in the
Gazette
. The BEDMAS Conspiracy is considered the act to beat tonight.”

Hearing that we were front-runners made me more nervous. There were eight acts in the City Championship—one to represent each district in the city. We had to draw our starting position from a hat. I just hoped we didn't have to go first. Olaf was the first to draw. Hands shaking, he reached into the hat and drew the eighth spot.

“Saving the best for last,” crowed Sludge. “It doesn't get more awesome than this!”

Unlike Wilcott's Got Talent and the District Donnybrook, the City Championship had judges. It was still the audience who decided the ultimate winner, but three judges sat on a panel, offering feedback after each act.

Eldrick, the Z's, Sludge, Olaf, and I huddled together offstage to watch the competition unfold. The show started with a little presentation from last year's winner, a rock band called No Looking Back. They didn't seem all that happy to be back at the City Championship, but they managed to play a song and tell everyone how they had spent their prize money.

“Buying a ticket out of this town,” mumbled their lead singer. The rest of the band nodded.

It was show time! First up was an acrobatic dance pack from McKelvin Middle School. Their name was Flying High, and it fit them perfectly. They flew through the air, doing backflips and handsprings. When they weren't airbound, they tumbled around the stage in perfect unison. The judges loved Flying High and they got a standing ovation.

Next up was Metal Mouth: A Tribute to Braces. The judges put cotton balls in their ears. Metal Mouth played loud and fast. Their song, “Don't Call Me Brace Face,” was a killer.

“Dude, they play with passion,” said Sludge with admiration.

Surprisingly, Metal Mouth's second offering was a ballad. Although “The Teeth That Lie Beneath” was sung in barely more than a whisper, it managed to silence the crowd.

“Those are some
personal
lyrics,” said Olaf, awestruck.

It was the first thing he had said in over an hour—a good sign that he hadn't gone hoarse with fear. Metal Mouth finished their set by rocking the house with “You'll Be Sorry When They're Off in Nine Months.” Though the judges weren't won over, Metal Mouth also received a standing ovation. They dropped their instruments and ran to the front of the stage. Grabbing hands, they took and bow and flashed their metallic grins.

Metal Mouth was followed by a ventriloquist named Barry. He came out on stage with a wooden doll named Harry. Barry sat on a chair. Harry sat on his knee. Harry began to tell a few jokes. The jokes themselves weren't so impressive, but the fact that Barry's lips were drawn as tight as a pencil was. Later, Harry sang a song—while Barry drank a glass of milk! Barry and Harry made a good pair.

Two hip-hop dance crews and a classical pianist followed Barry and his wooden sidekick. They received good feedback from the judges and had the crowd on their feet.

“Everyone is killing it tonight,” marvelled Sludge.

“Next up is a hypnotist,” said Eldrick. “I bet he turns someone into a monkey.”

A gangly guy carrying a large pocket watch took the stage.

“I'm Gary and I go to Jackson Prep,” he told the audience.

“I bet he's good,” whispered Daniela. The kids who went to the private school were known to be fiercely competitive.

He was
very
good. First, Gary turned a gym teacher into an opera singer. Next, he turned two teenagers into little babies. All it took was a few swings of the watch and
presto
—both kids were crawling on their knees and cooing. One of them stopped to suck his thumb. The audience ate it up!

“Now I'm going to choose someone in the audience and turn them into a farm animal,” announced Gary confidently. A hundred arms shot up in the audience. A murmuring of
pick me
travelled through the crowd.

“Huh,” said Eldrick. “I never knew so many people were interested in experiencing the life of a cow or pig.”

“Who should I pick?” mused Gary as he scanned the audience. He seemed to have difficulty choosing a volunteer, even though he had the whole room to choose from. Suddenly he looked off stage—right at Sludge.

“Hey, how about you?” he asked our drummer.

Sludge looked surprised. “Not the best timing, man,” he told Gary.

“It will just take five minutes,” said Gary. He looked at the audience. “Clap your hands if you want me to turn Sludge into poultry.”

The audience began to clap. It was hard to tell if they were chanting “Sludge” or “McNuggets.”

“Just don't turn me into someone's dinner,” Sludge told Gary.

“This should be funny,” said Beena.

“Strange that he knew Sludge's name,” remarked Meena.

Gary made Sludge sit in a chair. He demanded that Sludge keep his eyes on the pocket watch which he swung in front of Sludge's face.

“You are going to get very sleepy,” commanded Gary. “And when you wake up, you're going to think you are a chicken.”

Sludge's eyes drooped and then closed. Gary clapped his hands and Sludge's eyes flipped open. Sludge took a few tentative steps. He didn't say anything. We all waited silently to see what was going to happen. Suddenly, he bent his arms at the elbow and put his hands under his arms. Then he let out a long
cluuuck
.

“
Cluck, cluck, cluck
,” called Sludge as he strutted around the stage.

Gary looked proud of himself and with good reason. Sludge looked hilarious and the audience was eating it up. Sludge started pecking at Gary's hand.

“Here you go, my poultry pal,” said Gary as he offered Sludge some sunflower seeds.

“
Cluck, cluck
!” responded Sludge.

The room roared in approval. In spite of my nerves, even I couldn't stop grinning. Sludge strutted to and fro as he continued to cluck.

“Thanks, ladies and gentlemen! You've been a great audience. Enjoy the rest of the show!” Gary bowed and waved to the cheering crowd as it leapt to its feet. Then he led Sludge offstage.

“Thanks for your help, guys,” said Gary, grinning. “See you after the show.”

“Um, aren't you forgetting something?” Eldrick pointed at Sludge who was preening behind the curtain.

“Oh, right,” Gary answered. He turned to Sludge and waved his arms around. “Wake up! Wake up!”

Sludge strutted over. “
Squawk
?” He flapped his “wings” a few times.

“Gee, that's weird.” Gary shrugged. “Oh well, I'm sure he'll snap out of it. Let me know how that works out for you.” He started down the backstage stairs.

“Hey!” I ran after him in a panic. “Hey, you've got to change him back! Quit fooling around—we're on next!”

“I guess I just don't remember the release code word,” Gary said with a tinge of amusement in his voice. “I'm sure it will come to me...eventually.”

“You did this on purpose!” I shouted.

“Can't prove anything,” smirked Gary. “Except for the fact that I just got the biggest cheer of the night!” It was hard to hear Gary over the loud clucking noise behind me. Sludge had followed us and was pecking Gary's hand again in search of a snack.

“Good luck getting your barnyard buddy to play the drums tonight,” sneered Gary as he walked off to join the crowd. Sludge trailed after him.

“What are we going to do?” asked Meena.

“We're next and Sludge is in no shape to drum,” said Beena.

“We'll just have to go on without him,” I said. It was our only option.

“How can we play without a drummer?” asked Olaf, frowning. “He keeps the beat. He keeps us in time. He
rocks
. We're useless without him.”

“I...I...I think I can take over for Sludge,” said Eldrick. He looked nervous. “Sludge and I have been working on the whole percussion thing together. I know the songs—and I
am
the auxiliary percussionist. That means drums, too. I think I can do it.”

So that's where the two of them had been running off to!

Sludge hopped over to Eldrick and pecked his hand. “I
know
I can do it,” said Eldrick gaining confidence.

We were running out of time. The crowd was starting to get restless.

“You're sure you can do it?” asked Daniela.

“Positive,” said Eldrick, twirling a drumstick between his fingers.

And somehow, I just knew he was right.

“Then here we go!” I yelled as I led the BEDMAS Conspiracy onto stage: Beena Zellerpin on bass; Meena Zellerpin on lead guitar; Adam Margols on the keyboard; Olaf Danielson (to the squeals of Lisa, Janine, Sarah and every other grade six, seven and eight girl sitting in the front row) on lead vocals; and Eldrick Hooperberg holding down the beat.

For a moment, time seemed to stand still—this was it! Then I heard Eldrick counting us in on
“
Detention Blues.” Olaf began to sing. Beena and Meena began to strum. I carefully tapped the keys in front of me. And Eldrick carried the beat
and
the band. He was fantastic! Olaf sang confidently; the Z's were perfectly in sync; I stopped looking at my fingers just long enough to smile at the audience.

I could see Sludge in the front row. He'd found Gary and was pecking insistently at his shoulder. I wasn't sure if he was exacting revenge or if he'd decided that Gary was the farmer responsible for feeding him. Either way, Gary seemed to be growing increasingly alarmed.

Without pausing between numbers, we moved on to “Big Elephants Can Always Understand Small Elephants.” Eldrick sped up the introduction. We managed to keep up with him and the result was awesome. I sneaked a peek at Gary who had his hands full fending off Sludge. It seemed that the music was really riling our former drummer. Not only was he clucking and pecking, but he was batting Gary about the face with his “wings.”

Olaf introduced our final number. We had all written it shortly after we adopted our new name, and we had spent hours practicing it.

“It's a song that means a lot to us. It's called ‘Unexpected Surprises.'”

Olaf's voice rang out soulfully into the suddenly hushed auditorium, accompanied by a few gentle chords:

It's night time and you are lying there awake
Knowing you are about to make a giant mistake
Or suddenly you are so swallowed up by fear
You can't rock the stage and start your singing career.

Let me suggest la la la
How you can ace the test la la la

Let me suggest la la la
How to be at your best la la la

Then he kicked the air as the music swelled and the rest of the band came crashing into the chorus:

Sometimes things aren't always what you see,
Surprises where you don't expect them to be.

Olaf's Army was going crazy, shrieking and dancing with their hands in the air. I grinned at Eldrick as he pounded away on the drums.

A friend can be hidden in an old enemy
A simple disguise can hold a new identity.
Did you know sour lemons can make a sweet drink?
Yeah, they can be squeezed into lemonade, yellow or pink.

Sometimes things aren't always what you see,
Surprises where you don't expect them to be.

Olaf danced as he sang. He twisted his arms around his head like he was braiding the sky. It looked cool—until he accidentally brushed his left hand up against his wig! I tried not to panic when a strip of bright red hair appeared over his ear. Olaf didn't notice a thing. He was completely involved in his performance.

Refusing to throw in the towel
When your drummer is turned into a fowl.

He was changing the lyrics! I looked at Beena, who looked at Meena who looked at Eldrick. We hoped Olaf knew what he was doing.

You never know what someone can become—
Scrawny and quiet—but a wizard on a drum.

Eldrick launched into his solo and Olaf started to dance wildly. He scissor-kicked the air. The red patch on his head got bigger! He shimmied and shook—and a whole clump of hair spilled down the back of his neck!

Eldrick's solo was over. Everyone joined back in except me. I was too busy using my arms to wave to Olaf. The crowd sang along as he launched into the chorus again.

Sometimes things aren't always what you see,
Surprises where you don't expect them to be.

And then it happened. Olaf gave one last head bob—and we all saw his blond wig go flying. Olaf had left the building!

Exposed, Daniela gasped in shock. Beena and Meena froze at the same time, their guitar picks poised motionless over the strings. The audience was still on their feet, but the clapping had stopped. The whole room stood in silence staring at my red-headed, un-Swedish, female cousin. Gingerly, Daniela reached down and grabbed the wig. She picked it up and held it for a few moments, staring at it dazedly. Then I heard her murmur something to the wig, just under her breath: “Have a safe trip back to Sweden, Cousin Olaf. Send a postcard.” Then she leapt over to me. Plunking the wig squarely on my head, she cried, “Hit it!”

She took her position and belted out the final stanza. Her red hair was flying everywhere. Sarah, Janine and Lisa might have been disappointed—but the
boys
in the audience weren't!

Teachers tell us a cover shouldn't make us judge a book,
And we should all just take another look.
A new trick for studying or the latest tattoo trends;
You never know what you can learn from new friends.

Sometimes things aren't always what you see,
Surprises where you don't expect them to be.

Everyone joined in as Daniela sang the chorus one last time. Eldrick finished the song with a final flurry of thumps. He tossed his drumsticks in the air catching one behind his back and the other in his mouth. And we were done! Holding hands we took a bow and waved to the audience. I took the Olaf wig off and threw it into the audience. A tearful Lisa caught it. Grabbing hands again, the BEDMAS Conspiracy left the stage. We immediately surrounded Daniela.