The Believing Game (13 page)

Hannah opened her mouth, shut it, and looked down to her lap. Joshua told her, “Go on. Hannah, tell us.”

She craned her neck past Joshua to see me. When she spoke out, she pronounced every word really carefully, like she was building a wall. Or tearing one down, brick by brick. “Maybe you send the kid away because it's all you can do to keep him safe.”

It felt like something had punctured my lung. Like, inside, I was deflating. I couldn't breathe. It made me sad for Parker — that even the adults in our family felt like leaving was his only option. And it hurt to realize what I'd assumed about my father. I'd grown so accustomed to thinking he was doing the cowardly thing. Lastly, I ached for Hannah, since she sounded like an expert in something so awful.

“I hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks, Hannah.”

“What are you thanking Hannah for? Be clear.”

“Greer, Greer — make sure you're clear,” Addison sang softly below me. It made me laugh. And as soon as I laughed, I started to cry.

“Thank you for giving me the chance to see my dad as —” I couldn't find the right word.

“As a hero?” Joshua asked.

“Probably
hero
is too strong a word, right?” Joshua refused to give me the answer. I said to Hannah, “At least heroic.”

“I think it counts as heroic,” she told me.

“Who else has a burden we need to unpack?” Joshua asked.

I reached down to squeeze Addison's arm, relieved that the spotlight had moved away from us for a while.

“Hannah? Is there anything you'd like to tell us?” he asked over a current of another thought:
You've already started.

Hannah stared off into space. We all fidgeted, getting ready to listen. But she seemed to make a decision. She said, “No, thank you. I think I need to keep my suitcase zippered for right now.”

I thought Joshua was going to press it. He would have forced any of the rest of us to talk. We collectively wished he would back down. And he did. He said, “We are ready to
listen and waiting for you to share.” But then that left Sophie and Wes. Stalemate. We all sat in silence.

Joshua cleared his throat. “I'm going to take us back to Brother Jared's question. But I'm not going to tell you why I got clean. That's a story for another day. I'd like us to go further back, tell you why I started using in the first place. Some of you might know that I spent a night in Elizabeth's room last week.”

Wes's and Jared's reaction made it clear that Addison had not shared that development. “Can I ask why?” Jared asked Addison.

Joshua looked steadily at Jared and told him, “Elizabeth needed to know that she could trust me. She needed to prove to herself that trusting someone would not result in harm.” He reached over then and took my hand again. “She never had to be afraid of me. I am probably the last person who would hurt her, who'd betray that trust. Do you know why?”

Wes grinned. “Because Addison's ginormous?” Addison snickered, but Joshua just refused to acknowledge Wes all over again. I watched him kind of fade into the background of the room. He might claim he didn't care, but I hurt for him.

Joshua just kept going. “When I was a child, I was sexually abused. Repeatedly. Almost since birth. I grew up feeling filthy.” He stroked my hand. “I hate touching people. Every time I reach out and offer one of you my touch, it costs me. I find it to be excruciating.”

He could stop at any time. That's what I wanted to tell Joshua. But I sat there and stayed quiet. “Later on, I was also physically abused. Beaten. Burned. Scalded. The worst case you hear about on the news — that was me. The courts removed me from that home and then I bounced from foster
home to foster home. Predators. They all housed predators.” Addison was listening attentively. Hannah hung on every word. Sophie seemed a little twitchy, though, and Wes had pretty much zoned out. I couldn't get a read on Jared.

Sophie broke the silence first. “How do you even move on from something like that?” Joshua shut his eyes. A beatific smile spread over his face and he started rocking a little in his seat. The whole sofa moved like a cradle.

Just when we started to freak out, Joshua's eyes opened. “This way.” He spread his arms out, as if to encompass us all. “I serve as an instrument of peace. I play the believing game.”

It's hard to admit, because you're not supposed to doubt stories like that. But if Joshua was playing the believing game, I'd have been sidelined. I didn't buy it. It felt unkind to doubt him, but Joshua didn't approach the world like someone who'd been beaten down by it. He reached out to people. He even took advantage of them.

Something just felt wrong to me. When I looked around the room, though, I saw rapt faces. It's not like Addison would ever question him. And even Jared and Wes looked sold. So I played along. I made sure to have an adoring look on my face and reached for Joshua's hand on my shoulder. “I'm really happy you're here.”

“You don't know how happy I am that you're here, Elizabeth.” Joshua spoke softly. “Listen carefully — you will deliver us all.” He looked around at the others. “Did you hear me?” Solemn nods all around. “There's more to explain, and I'll share that with you, but there are powerful forces blocking our progress. Heavy weights holding us back.” He narrowed his eyes at Sophie and she wrapped her arms around her knees.

She started speaking almost immediately. “My brother's name was Nicholas. He was two years older than Josie and me. He wrecked his car and he died. Not too far from here on the highway. Usually we stopped on the way, but we'd gotten a late start. So we got here and he went out later on that night. For breakfast stuff, I guess.”

I felt my eyes well up. Sophie met my gaze and gave me a little smile. Like she was apologizing for not telling me sooner.
Oh, Sophie.
Joshua said, “I find your wording interesting, Sophia. And I wonder if it doesn't reveal more about the circumstances of your brother's death.” I sucked in my breath. He needed to leave her alone. I looked down to Addison, but he only tightened his hold on my ankle, like some kind of leg iron, locking me into place.

Sophie blinked. Joshua kept going. “You didn't say he died in a car accident. You said he wrecked his car.” She just rested her chin on her knees. “Did he usually need to drive on the highway to get to the supermarket? That seems odd to me. Couldn't Nicholas have stopped in town?”

Jared interrupted. “Joshua, I don't know that we need to play detective.” Sophie shot him a grateful look. He said to her, “I'm really sorry for your family's loss.”

“We're not trying to unravel the mystery of the accident.” Joshua wasn't going to let the two of them have any kind of moment. He told us, “Sophia has already done that. We're trying to shed the shroud of language she uses. Do you understand what I mean by that, Sophia?”

She nodded miserably.

“Was it a single-car accident, Sophia?”

She leveled her gaze at him. “Yes.”

“What does that mean?” I really didn't get it. No one answered me. I ducked down to whisper in Addison's ear.

But it was Sophie who answered. “He drove into a pole on the side of a highway. In clear weather.” I must have still looked lost, because she said, “It didn't seem like an accident.” But then Sophie straightened up in her seat. She planted her feet on the floor. “To some people.”

“What about to you?”

She tilted up her chin. “He was also a new driver. It's easy to get lost on these roads and people drive like assholes. Maybe someone was tailgating. Or blinded him with their high beams. We're never going to know.”

“Has anyone ever discussed the warning signs of suicide with you, Sophia?” Sophie's face crumpled. Joshua spoke softly and slowly. “I'm going to guess that you recognized some of those signs afterward?”

“After that night …” Sophie started and stopped. She tried again. “Afterward, we packed up the house and went back home for Nick's funeral. We haven't come up here since. If it's okay — I think there are pieces of this I need to keep private.”

She looked up at him. I swore I could see her trembling from across the room. Joshua said, “Of course. For now.” She sighed, a long exhale, and looked toward the collection of family portraits.

“Are you okay?” Hannah asked. “Can I get you some water or something?”

Sophie gave her a small smile. “I'm fine. Thanks, though.”

Joshua clasped his hands behind his head. I could feel the weight around my shoulders lift when he took his arms away. “It certainly is kind of Hannah to show her concern, but make no mistake — she's longing for the kitchen right now. Isn't that so, Hannah?”

Hannah Green actually flinched. But when she spoke, she did so clearly. “I'm not ready for this, Joshua.”

“I'm not convinced you're capable of knowing that.” She said nothing. She just waited, bracing herself. “That's your default mechanism, isn't it? You're not ready? Doesn't that make things easier?” As Joshua's voice rose, I expected Hannah to cringe more. That maybe she would even buckle.

But Hannah surprised me. Hannah kept surprising us all. “I'm here.” She looked around the room. “I thought I wasn't ready for that. But you challenged me and I stepped up. This … confessional stuff isn't right for me. Not right now. But I'll let you know when I'm ready.”

Addison let loose a low whistle and grinned. Joshua recovered quickly. He nodded and smiled. I watched Addison watch Hannah and thought that if I hadn't come on the trip, someone else would be sleeping in the master bedroom with Addison. That much seemed pretty obvious, at least to me, for that second.

I might have let his spiritual adviser sleep in my bed, but Hannah knew how to actually handle Joshua. I watched Addison's fingers loosen from my ankle. He didn't even realize he was letting go. He was mesmerized.

“How do you feel about that, Elizabeth?” Joshua's question surprised me. I thought I was finally off the hot seat. Addison tore his eyes from Hannah and smiled up at me, clueless.

Sophie shot me a warning look. She knew me. I must have been radiating
jealous bitch
and Sophie had picked up the signal. “It's really tough to make yourself vulnerable.” I searched for more words that Addison would recognize. That he might appreciate. “I understand if Hannah's not ready for
that yet.”
Because she's a freakazoid maniac.
But I kept that last part to myself. Instead I put on my best supportive smile. “Just so you know — I'm here if you need to talk about anything. We all are, right?”

Sophie nodded along with me. As soon as Addison nodded too, she spoke up and said, “It especially helps to have girlfriends to confide in, right, Greer? No offense to you guys, but sometimes you just need your girls.” Sometimes it made me really happy that Sophie was on my team.

Hannah seemed to glow. Joshua said, “Well, we've moved some boulders out of the way. I feel grateful for that. Our way is less obstructed now. Do you all see that?”

We nodded, but I felt hollowed out and shaky.

Joshua said, “Let's bring the circle closer.” And we all drew in, leaned forward, and prepared to listen closely. “Let's welcome our own spirits. I thank you for your courage and your resilience. You've all struggled so much and you've come this far. And it's only because of your struggle that you've managed to find me. And the others, those powerful people sitting close to you.” Addison's grip tightened around my ankle again. “Don't be frightened.” I realized that usually I started to get scared whenever Joshua advised us not to be. “We're not the only ones in the room.” He gave us time to look up. “That's right. We have souls circling the room, eager to bolster our courage. But they are also demanding to be recognized.”

Like clockwork, I felt myself begin to shut down. My eyelids grew as heavy as they always did when Joshua made me really uncomfortable. Now we were talking about ghosts in Sophie's vacation home. Right after he'd tried to make her admit that her older brother committed suicide. It was more than I could take. Either Joshua's voice got softer or I stopped
listening so closely. “Don't back away, Elizabeth.” His voice rose as he warned me.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. Joshua waited, made sure my eyes were wide open. I blinked a few times and even pinched my thigh to wake myself up. “It won't happen again.”

“There is a young boy in the room,” Joshua announced and Sophie's breath caught loudly. It sounded like fabric tearing. I wanted to reach out and wrap my arms around her. We'd just head out right that minute. I'd bundle her up and lead her away. We'd hike to the highway and someone would pick us up, shuttle us far away from Joshua and his sick games.

That's how angry it made me, to think after everything, he was going to use Nicholas's death right there. I didn't get up and start packing our bags. Instead I prepared myself to watch him break Sophie down right in front of me.

“I'm sorry,” Joshua said. “My statement lacked clarity. It's not a teenaged boy among us. This boy has a lot of growing to do. He feels very lonely. He sees himself as abandoned.” I'd been so preoccupied with plotting Sophie's escape that I hadn't been listening closely. It took Wes's caring look from across the circle to jolt me into realizing that it might be my own life Joshua was mining.

But Parker wasn't dead. He might very well feel lost and abandoned. I could certainly understand that, especially since recently feeling similarly discarded by the Cannon family dynasty. Someone would have told me that Parker died, though, for no other reason than that would have tied the tidiest knot on the cautionary tale that was my cousin. “Joshua, Parker can't be a ghost if he's still living.” I kept my voice even.