The Believing Game (14 page)

“No one mentioned your cousin Parker. Do you hear yourself at all? I'm asking you to bring your best self out for us. And that might mean realizing that we cannot focus on your needs all the time. Our collective story cannot always star Greer.”

God. Shame broiled me. I looked down, but Addison wouldn't even make eye contact. I probably could have stared a hole right into the back of his head. Tears behind my eyes threatened to pour, but I didn't want to give anyone else in the room that victory. Even Wes. For all of his meaningful looks, he hadn't spoken up for me either. We must have just sat there for a few full seconds and I tried not to sob.

“Forgive me, Elizabeth.” Joshua grabbed my hand. “I'm just feeling overwhelmed by the pain of this spirit. I understand — I'm sure we all understand why you might have leapt to make the connection with your cousin. Who among us doesn't see the world through the lens of our own self?”

It made me hate myself a little that I felt so grateful to him.

Wes spoke up then. “Listen, this is creepy. I didn't sign up for a séance.” Jared nodded and Sophie stood up. It felt like we were all scattering, like maybe someone had finally broken the spell.

But then Joshua blurted out, “An infant. It's an infant, and he's demanding to know why we have forsaken him.”

If I could have stepped outside of myself, I would have seen my head do the WTF swivel. Later on, Sophie would go through this phase of replaying my reaction over and over. She called it one of the most hilarious cult moments ever.

Joshua would be the first person to point out that I could never step out of myself, though. We were, for good or bad, anchored to our own bodies, doomed to egotistically view
the world, even if we strove for something better. So it took me a minute to process his claim that there was a spirit of a baby there with us in the warm, wood-paneled room.

And it took even longer to figure out that the high-pitched wail was not some kind of siren going off in my own head. Someone in the circle was wailing. It was Hannah and she pushed past me as she ran for the door.

For a second or two, no one moved. We watched Hannah blur by and then the door slammed so hard, the chandelier swung back and forth. By the time Jared hit the switch, it still swung. It cast shadows on the room that moved along with the iron candelabras.

“What the hell is going on here?” Wes practically bellowed. He moved before any of us and swung open the front door. “Hannah?” And then louder: “HANNAH?” He stepped in and reached for his jacket on a hook. “I can hear her crying.”

Sophie said, “Let Greer and me go.” She looked toward Joshua and worked it further. “Hannah needs women with her now, right?”

Joshua sat on the couch by himself. He appeared completely untroubled. “I'd like some tea,” he said. “Hannah will return to us.”

Wes had stopped right by the front door. “Are you going or not?”

I said, “We'll go. Sophie's right. It'll be better if she has girls.”

“Well, go, then,” Wes ordered shortly. “Seriously.” He looked around the room. “I cannot believe this shit.”

It was cold and I realized we should have thought to bring along Hannah's coat with us. The wind whipped through my
hair and every time we called out her name, we just heard the whistle of the weather in response.

We walked closer to the road and found her huddled against a fallen tree. She looked so small, curled into a ball, and sobbing so hard, her whole body shook.

“Hannah, what the hell?” Sophie had her tough voice on. “We scheduled the stargazing hike for tomorrow night, tootie.” No reaction. Nothing penetrated the trembling cocoon of the girl cowered against a mossy log. Sophie's voice was firm and even. “Let's go back inside and figure this out.”

Hannah mumbled something behind the sheet of her hair. I crouched down. “We can't hear you, kiddo.” I moved to brush the blond cascade out of her face.

“Get your hands off me!” she screamed so loudly, I almost fell back.

“Jesus Christ, Hannah,” I said. But Sophie placed her hand on my shoulder, shutting me up.

“Okay, then,” Sophie said. “We won't touch you. But we won't leave you either. We're in the sticks up here, Hannah. You can't imagine the characters that drive by on this road.” The highway stretched empty for miles. Sophie said, “We need to go inside. You don't have to talk to any of us.” Silence. “We can leave first thing in the morning if you want.”

Hannah sat still. I'm not sure when she stopped trembling. “I can't go back in there. I can't do it.”

“When were you pregnant?” Sophie asked so calmly. I knew that meant I needed to stay composed too.

“Right before.”

“Right before McCracken?”

Hannah nodded. Once. Quickly.

“Did your parents make you get an abortion?” I swung my head to look at Sophie, but her eyes were fixed on Hannah.

Hannah said, “My mom said if my dad knew, it would kill him.”

Sophie nodded sagely, shrugging off her jacket and wrapping it around Hannah. “Did you do the counseling afterward or anything?” We watched Hannah shake her head no.

Sophie made a face as if to say,
Of course not
. “Not even at McCracken?”

“My mom said — well, she basically said, ‘What's the point, right?' I had plenty of other things to work on.”

“You never talked about a boyfriend,” I said. Sophie shot me a warning look.

“It's not really something I want to get into.” Hannah's voice sounded frosty. “It wouldn't matter to him. Let's put it that way.” I looked up at Sophie and wondered if we'd maybe gotten in over our heads, but Hannah kept talking. Maybe she did want to talk about it. She just didn't know it. “He was in college. One of my mom's students. I thought …” Her voice faded. “God, he was the center of everything.” She gave us a wry smile. “You know, for the whole two months we hooked up. I found out after … there were a lot of other people. You know, he was making the most of his college experience.”

“Who told you that?” I tried to make my voice as gentle as Sophie's.

“My mom. On the way to the clinic.”

“Oh, Hannah. I'm so sorry.” I meant it too. Hannah's mom and my mom sounded like maybe they played tennis together or something. I wished we could smack them both with rackets. “So when Joshua said —”

“What else could he be talking about?” Hannah broke in.

“I don't know.” Sophie drew a line in the dirt with a twig as if she could figure it out right there. “But I feel like Joshua throws a lot against the wall, just to see what will stick, you
know?” She looked like she was considering telling us something. And then she decided. “Josie — my sister — she had an abortion when we were fifteen. The guy who got her pregnant was older — her field-hockey coach — and he pretty obviously took advantage of her. He used her and then just discarded her. She felt … I guess she just felt worthless for a long time afterward. We made her go to counseling and stuff. It was actually kind of an open thing, maybe only in our family, but we talked about it. I know that might not be how most families work.” Hannah was rapt. I listened to her too and tried to figure out how I could have possibly felt like I'd known everything about someone as complicated as Sophie Delia.

She told us, “I knew from the get-go and then Josie and I decided to tell Nick. He's the one who convinced her to tell my parents. And then made them really listen, instead of just judging her. That's the kind of brother he was to us.” Hannah bit her lip and looked like she was about to start weeping all over again.

Sophie said quickly, “I'm sorry if you didn't have anyone like that then. But you do now. You have us.”

Hannah smiled a tiny, tiny smile. But then it disappeared. She said, “I don't mean to freak you out.”

“We're sitting on a log in the freezing cold, Hannah. We are beyond being freaked out.” Sometimes I had trouble keeping my voice on the gentle end of the spectrum.

“Well, maybe the ghost is Josie's baby. You know? This place is your family's place so maybe —”

“Josie didn't have a baby, Hannah.” Sophie spoke like a strict teacher. “She had a fetus. Just like you did.”

“Yeah, but its spirit —”

“I don't believe in spirits.” Sophie cut her off again.

“You did when you thought it was Nick's.” As soon as Hannah said it, her finger flew to her mouth. “I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it to come out like that.”

But Sophie shook it off. “No, you're absolutely right. I just — people use different words, especially about pregnancy.” She looked to me for help. “Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Sometimes people choose specific language to inspire guilt.”

“It is a baby, though, right?” Hannah sounded insistent.

“It's going to be a baby. Just like one day it's going to be an eight-year-old.” Sophie looked up and half-grinned at me. “What?”

“Nothing. It's just pretty impressive logic.”

“Well, it's going to be a baby sooner,” Hannah told us.

I sighed. “That is also pretty good logic. Can we go inside now?” Sophie and I stood up and each took one of Hannah's hands. The three of us stood there, in a huddle. For the first time in a while, I couldn't care less about anything with a dick.

Hannah relented. “Okay. But I don't care what he says. This isn't something I share with people. No one else knows. And I'm not going to sit there and dissect it in that room.”

“You did a really good job of making that clear before, Hannah,” I said.

She turned to me. “Yeah?”

“Oh yeah. If you feel uncomfortable with anything in there, just speak up again, like you did before. And we'll have your back, right, Sophie?”

She said, “Exactly. We'll all have each other's back.”

By the time we walked back into the house, our arms were linked. The guys looked at us like we were insane. Jared
recovered first. “Helloooo, ladies.” Hannah smiled at him. She perched on the bar stool in the kitchen.

Joshua called from the couch, “Hannah, would you come to sit beside me again? Please?” Sophie and I glanced first at each other and then at Hannah. She looked like she was preparing to be yelled at.

“Let's all relax, Joshua,” I said. “We need to just warm up for a second.”

“Thank you for that insight, Greer. Hannah can warm up with me. By the fire.”

She sat on the brick hearth. I could hear him whispering to her, but couldn't make out his words. At one point, Hannah said, “I know, I know.” But she didn't sound defensive. Instead she sounded like someone who felt silly, who maybe was apologizing.

“Everything okay?” Addison chucked me on the shoulder. “I was starting to worry there.”

“Just girl talk.”

“It's good to see you have girl talk.” I rolled my eyes. “What? Why is that bad — me saying that?”

Wes just sat at the bar, eating ice cream from the carton and watching us argue. “We must be mesmerizing,” I told him.

He shrugged. “You are.” Something crackled between us, but I recognized it as the same old electricity that had flickered between me and half the teenaged male population of Sturbridge.

It seemed like Addison recognized it too. “Greer, Greer — look back here,” he said, half-joking. I turned to Addison and Wes turned back to his ice cream and the moment passed by. I felt relieved, like I'd aced some kind of test.

“I don't ever look away. Not really,” I told Addison. And I meant it.

Joshua and Hannah both stood up. “We're going to turn in,” Joshua announced. Hannah stood next to him, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Just in case we didn't get it, Joshua clarified, “Hannah will be sleeping upstairs with me.”

I thought Sophie was going to tackle her. She rushed to say, “You don't have to. We'll quiet down. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm ready to hit the sack. Big day tomorrow, right?”

Joshua held up his hand, palm facing out. He stood there like a crossing guard signaling traffic to stop. “It's not necessary.” And then, “Hannah has decided she'd like to demonstrate her trust.”

My skin crawled. Sophie's face read the same way, but I turned to Addison and he stood there, smiling over at Hannah and Joshua. “We'll be right down the hall, in case you need anything.”

“Thank you, Addison. Brother, you are always my rock. That's a good man, Elizabeth. He's a man to hold on to.”

I nodded. And then just stood there, watching them climb the steps.

“What the fuck?” Wes said.

“Shut your mouth,” Addison barked at him. “Seriously.”

“Seriously? C'mon, man — you're not crazy. You can't tell me that's normal.”

Addison lunged forward. “No. It's not normal. We don't strive to be normal. We strive to achieve the extraordinary. What exactly are you doubting? Greer, tell them.”

I sank down onto the arm of the sofa. “Tell them what?”

“Did Joshua touch you the night he stayed in your room?” I hesitated. “Was he in any way inappropriate?” I still hesitated. I didn't know anymore what was appropriate.

“No.” I said what I believed was the honest thing. I met Wes's eyes and then Sophie's. “Seriously. He really respected the boundaries I set up.”

“But you're not Hannah,” Wes told me.

“How am I supposed to take that?”

He just shrugged and said, “I'm going to bed.” Jared followed him.

After a second or two, Addison muttered, “Jesus Christ.” He reached out and squeezed my shoulder. “I'll be back, okay?”

I nodded.

But he asked again, “Okay?”

“Yeah.” The night had somehow derailed. “Yeah, go. Of course.” He headed to the kids' room and Sophie went to put another log on the fire.

She said, “I'm not sure if I should just let it die or what?”

“Someone will be awake.” That didn't reassure her. I asked, “Do you want to go back and talk it through with the guys?” I watched her gaze slide up to the top of the iron banister. She turned back to me. “I should just sleep. I'm going to wash up. Is there anything you need?”

“No,” I said. “It's so wonderful to be in a home again. Right? No dorm bathrooms. No curfew.” And then because Sophie was still looking at me like I was some kind of monster, I said, “I'm sure she's okay. We could go up and knock. See if they need anything.”

“Doesn't that violate protocol?” Sophie asked.

“Probably. But what the hell, right?” For a second, it looked like Sophie was going to say yes. And maybe had
we knocked on the door or crowded into the room with Hannah and Joshua, things would have turned out differently. Hannah would have known she wasn't alone. Joshua would have understood that he'd succeeded — we were strong girls who would support one another. No matter what.

But Sophie said, “No.” She went on, “I just feel really drained. I'm probably overthinking things.”

“We didn't know how much pain she was in. The baby thing — it explains a lot, right?” I sounded like my mom did on the phone, clucking over a neighbor's divorce or something. Sympathetic, but secretly thrilled.

Sophie nodded. She'd headed toward the bathroom and turned on the tap, before spinning back around. “Greer!”

I had already given the door to the kids' room a quick rap. Really, I just wanted Addison to carry me to bed.

I turned around to look at her. “Yeah?”

“Hannah said she kept it a secret. From everyone.”

“What are you saying?”

Sophie looked at me like she wished my brain worked just a little bit faster. “How did Joshua even know?”