The Best Advice I Ever Got (32 page)

Eric Stonestreet

Emmy Award-Winning Actor

but mostly, have a really fun time

follow your fear

prepare don’t plan

do what you say

say what you mean

know what you don’t know

don’t hold yourself to other people’s standards

own a pet

call your parents

create a comfortable living space

be happy for other people

cultivate friendships

stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves

understand what realistic expectations are

don’t lie

get to know your gut and then listen to it

say you’re sorry before you’re too embarrassed to

always wear clean underwear

be on time

be nice to receptionists

appreciate other people’s talents

identify people who don’t have your best interests in mind

people will disappoint you

people will amaze you

people will inspire you

overlisten

you will disappoint people

you will amaze people

you will inspire people

don’t drink too much alcohol

remember that the old lady who’s taking forever in line is someone’s grandma

be curious

ask questions

give yourself a break

have truthful conversations with yourself

think about your day in the shower

reflect on your day before you fall asleep

reward yourself from time to time

have a good clean joke at the ready

have a good dirty joke at the ready

silence can be golden

have someone you admire evaluate your handshake

be humbly confident

smell good

don’t let the highs be too high, so the lows aren’t too low

get to know you

learn to like you

let people love you

no one does you better than you

want what you have and you’ll have what you want

lead with justice and judge with mercy

don’t let your mouth overload your rear

CONCLUSION

DOING THE BEST WE CAN

A
s we have seen in these pages, the best advice—the stick-to-your-ribs kind—comes from many sources, sometimes from those in our own homes, but often from people unknown to our small circles. In 2008,
The Wall Street Journal
published an essay written in 1938 by a man named Ned Carpenter called “Before I Die.” It outlined what one young American boy from Wilmington, Delaware, dreamed of doing and being. It detailed a series of surprising goals he set for himself. Carpenter was a hero in World War II and became a highly revered lawyer. After he died, days before Christmas three years ago, his wife, Carroll, pulled the essay from a drawer, where she had kept it for decades. She would read it on occasion, for inspiration. What is most stunning, and important to note, is that Carpenter was just seventeen years old when he wrote it. I didn’t know Mr. Carpenter, but I believe he was on to something. I leave you with his words.

Edmund N. Carpenter II

War Hero, Lawyer and Criminal Justice Advocate, Father (1921-2008)

Before I Die

It may seem very strange to the reader that one of my tender age should already be thinking about that inevitable end to which even the paths of glory lead. However, this essay is not really concerned with death, but rather with life, my future life. I have set down here the things which I, at this age, believe essential to happiness and complete enjoyment of life. Some of them will doubtless seem very odd to the reader; others will perhaps be completely in accord with his own wishes. At any rate, they compose a synopsis of the things which I sincerely desire to have done before I leave this world and pass on to the life hereafter or to oblivion.

Before I die I want to know that I have done something truly great, that I have accomplished some glorious achievement the credit for which belongs solely to me. I do not aspire to become as famous as a Napoleon and conquer many nations; but I do want, almost above all else, to feel that I have been an addition to this world of ours. I should like the world, or at least my native land, to be proud of me and to sit up and take notice when my name is pronounced and say, “There is a man who has done a great thing.” I do not want to have passed through life as just another speck of humanity, just another cog in a tremendous machine. I want to be something greater, far greater, than that. My desire is not so much for immortality as for distinction while I am alive. When I leave this world, I want to know that my life has not been in vain, but that I have, in the course of my existence, done something of which I am rightfully very proud.

Before I die I want to know that during my life I have brought great happiness to others. Friendship, we all agree, is one of the best things in the world, and I want to have many friends. But I could never die fully contented unless I knew that those with whom I had been intimate had gained real happiness from their friendship with me. Moreover, I feel there is a really sincere pleasure to be found in pleasing others, a kind of pleasure that can not be gained from anything else. We all want much happiness in our lives, and giving it to others is one of the surest ways to achieve it for ourselves.

Before I die I want to have visited a large portion of the globe and to have actually lived with several foreign races in their own environment. By traveling in countries other than my own I hope to broaden and improve my outlook on life so that I can get a deeper and more complete satisfaction from living. By mixing the weighty philosophy of China with the hard practicalism of America, I hope to make my life fuller. By blending the rigid discipline of Germany with the great liberty in our own nation I hope to more completely enjoy my years on this earth. These are but two examples of the many things which I expect to achieve by traveling and thus have a greater appreciation of life.

Before I die, there is another great desire I must fulfill, and that is to have felt a truly great love. At my young age I know that love, other than some filial affection, is probably far beyond my ken. Yet, young as I may be, I believe I have had enough inkling of the subject to know that he who has not loved has not really lived. Nor will I feel my life is complete until I have actually experienced that burning flame and know that I am at last in love, truly in love. I want to feel that my whole heart and soul are set on one girl whom I wish to be a perfect angel in my eyes. I want to feel a love that will far surpass any other emotion that I have ever felt. I know that when I am at last really in love then I will start living a different, better life, filled with new pleasures that I never knew existed.

Before I die I want to feel a great sorrow. This, perhaps, of all my wishes will seem the strangest to the reader. Yet, is it unusual that I should wish to have had a complete life? I want to have lived fully, and certainly sorrow is a part of life. It is my belief that, as in the case of love, no man has lived until he has felt sorrow. It molds us and teaches us that there is a far deeper significance to life than might be supposed if one passed through this world forever happy and carefree. Moreover, once the pangs of sorrow have slackened, for I do not believe it to be a permanent emotion, its dregs often leave us a better knowledge of this world of ours and a better understanding of humanity. Yes, strange as it may seem, I really want to feel a great sorrow.

With this last wish I complete the synopsis of the things I want to do before I die. Irrational as they may seem to the reader, nevertheless they comprise a sincere summary of what I truthfully now believe to be the things most essential to a fully satisfactory and happy life. As I stand here on the threshold of my future, these are the things which to me seem the most valuable. Perhaps in fifty years I will think that they are extremely silly. Perhaps I will wonder, for instance, why I did not include a wish for continued happiness. Yet, right now, I do not desire my life to be a bed of roses. I want it to be something much more than that. I want it to be a truly great adventure, never dull, always exciting and engrossing; not sickly sweet, yet not unhappy. And I believe it will be all I wish if I do these things before I die.

As for death itself, I do not believe that it will be such a disagreeable thing provided my life has been successful. I have always considered life and death as two cups of wine. Of the first cup, containing the wine of life, we can learn a little from literature and from those who have drunk it, but only a little. In order to get the full flavor we must drink deeply of it for ourselves. I believe that after I have quaffed the cup containing the wine of life, emptied it to its last dregs, then I will not fear to turn to that other cup, the one whose contents can be designated only by X, an unknown, and a thing about which we can gain no knowledge at all until we drink for ourselves. Will it be sweet, or sour, or tasteless? Who can tell? Surely none of us like to think of death as the end of everything. Yet is it? That is a question that for all of us will one day be answered when we, having witnessed the drama of life, come to the final curtain. Probably we will all regret to leave this world, yet I believe that after I have drained the first cup, and have possibly grown a bit weary of its flavor, I will then turn not unwillingly to the second cup and to the new and thrilling experience of exploring the unknown.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

There would be no book without this amazing group of people who took the time out of their ridiculously busy lives to write about dreams dashed, goals reached, courage mustered, and lives changed. To all of you, thank you for being a part of this effort. It means the world to me. I brought this idea to my wonderful friend Susan Mercandetti, executive editor of Random House, with my typical preface of “This may sound crazy, but …” Thank you, Susan, for thinking this wasn’t crazy and for your patience and guidance as I navigated the unfamiliar world of publishing. Robin Rolewicz Duchnowski (I know, a mouthful!) is the real hero behind this book. She rolled up her sleeves and got the job done, professionally, coolly, and enthusiastically, even while nursing her ten-month-old daughter Polly’s bad case of chicken pox. Robin, you are a rock star. And Ben Steinberg’s invaluable help and hipster persona kept things on track and on time. (Well, mostly, right, Ben?)

And from Scholarship America, Janine Fugate, Lauren A. Segal, and Terrence Kraling: We are united in our goal of having more kids go to, as well as graduate from, college.

I have been graced with a strong, devoted family and friends who have stuck by me throughout the many passages in my life. You have been there every step of the way and I love and treasure you all. As we learn in this book, everyone needs a cheerleader, and I want to mention some other members of my squad who have always cheered me on. Jeff Zucker, Andy Lack, Rick Kaplan—what would I do without you guys? And Matthew Hiltzik and Kevin Goldman—thank you for your wise counsel and wicked senses of humor. To Lori Beecher, Lauren Osborn, and Brittany Jones-Cooper—my go- to girls and partners in crime—thank you … for everything. Through the dark days and the sunny ones, I am left with one irrefutable thought: I’ve been blessed. And for that I am grateful.