The Best I Could (35 page)

I decided that my second book would be called “It’s Easy to Cry” because it is dedicated to cases that bring humanity and emotions to the forefront and there are cases where people have pleaded guilty just to save somebody else or to ensure that somebody else does not get into trouble.

In August 2013, I was beginning to feel unwell, but I was still working. I was in my office when my assistant, Diana Ngiam, brought one of the Submissions that she had prepared. I looked at the Submission and said that there were missing points. She had failed to mention some of the facts that happened in court. She said, “You know, Uncle, I’ve gone through the notes very carefully.” I said, “Go and look at it once more.” She went back to her room and later realised that I was right. She approached my nephew, Sunil, who was working with me, and said, “Uncle may be getting older but he is still very sharp. His memory is so good.” Sunil laughed. She came back with the amended Submission, and this time I said, ‘Yes, this is what I wanted.” Diana is a very intelligent girl, very compassionate to all, including the accused persons. Sometimes she feels too much and that is not good, but I am glad that she’s part of my team. After reading the Submission and approving it, I told her, “Diana, I’ve got a funny feeling that I will not be accompanying you and Sunil to court anymore. I somehow feel that my career is going to be over soon.” She looked at me and said, “You may be a little under the weather but you are not going to die. Don’t talk like that.” She was very upset. I said that there was no point being upset for this was what I felt. She came nearer and looked at me and said, “No, Uncle, you are going to be with us for many more years.” I laughed.

In September that year, I fell ill and was taken to hospital. I was diagnosed with heart failure, and after some rest in the hospital I was discharged. Soon after, I resumed work but realised that I was not able to cope with full work. I was going in and out of hospital over the next couple of months, and finally fell gravely ill in mid December 2013. Doctors were at their wits’ end as to what they could do for me and several propositions were put to me, all of which I had initially rejected. By the year end, one of the doctors gently explained to my wife and my elder sister that my sole kidney was failing and there was nothing more they could do other than dialysis, and even that was risky due to my failing heart. He offered palliative support if my family so needed and indirectly suggested that there was nothing more they could do for me. On hearing this, both my wife and sister decided that they were not giving up on me and with their faith in God, they believed that I would be well again. My wife explained the circumstances to me and insisted that I should fight on. Gently, I told her, “Ask Dr. Ching to see me.” Associate Professor Ching Chi Keong is my cardiac electrophysiologist. He had recommended the insertion of a Cardiac Resynchronisation Therapy Device (CRTD), which I had initially rejected. As it was the least invasive, I finally decided that I should give it a shot. I should not go without putting up a fight.

The procedure was a success but sadly, by then, my kidney had been impaired. I was required to go for dialysis three times a week. This altered my lifestyle significantly. I found it hard to cope emotionally and I would get upset with myself, depressed and frustrated with what I had to deal with — three times a week, being pricked twice on the arm at each session and being confined to an uncomfortable chair for four hours to dialyse my blood. It was during the long and weary four hours that I decided I should start dictating my second book to keep myself occupied.

It has been an emotionally and physically tormenting experience coping with my poor health. I was previously racing through my life, but suddenly, that lifestyle has come to a grinding halt. It was hard to bear. The positive thoughts that got me through these low points were my wish to see my son graduate; my niece, Sunita, get married; and to attend my nephew, Naresh’s, wedding. Inevitably, there were moments of depression when I forgot these desires and allowed myself to dwell on negative thoughts.

My wife, Vimi, would always tell me, “Be brave, think of positive things, know that your glass is not half empty, it’s half full. We are here with you and I will never leave you. We will always take care of you. Don’t be afraid.” Sometimes when I am down, I feel like no one understands me. When I am alone in my room, or alone attempting to read a book, negative thoughts would creep into my mind and that whole day is ruined.

I find that dictating while doing dialysis is not as easy as I thought. You are with other patients, and nurses are walking up and down monitoring you. Suddenly, you realise that you are totally dependent on the dialysis machine for your life. Then, depression hits and you wonder why you have to go through this stage, and there are even times when you curse God. But, there are also times when you pray to Him. It’s all a confused state of mind. Sometimes, you even question the existence of God and wonder whether you are actually going to some place that does or doesn’t exist. But deep inside, with my religious upbringing and the fact that I am the Chairman of the Board of Trustees of a temple, there lies a conviction within me that there is a God and God works in mysterious ways. You really do not understand some of the things He does, but again you must learn to accept it. The process of accepting is difficult but slowly I am getting the knack of it.

They say that in any incident, there will always be a silver lining. To me, my illness made me a more realistic person, one who realises that in the past, I got all my priorities wrong. It was my career first, my career second, and my career third. I didn’t make time for my wife and son. I didn’t make time for my siblings and I didn’t make time for my very close friends. These are the people who are now with me through my difficult times. It is in the time of crises that you know who your friends truly are.

I have reached the age of sixty-seven years and they have been very eventful sixty-seven years. There are many things that I have done that I regret but then a life without any regrets is really not a life, is it?

Subhas passed away on January 7, 2015. These are excerpts from
It’s Easy To Cry,
which Subhas dictated while on dialysis. The book is scheduled for publication in 2016.