The Best of Down Goes Brown (24 page)

 

OK, folks, can I get everyone's attention? Quiet in the back, please. Don't make me blow this whistle again. As you know, NHL team training camps have opened. And we thought this year it would be a good idea to do the same for all of you, the fans. So everyone take a knee and listen up.

Today we're going to go over some strategy for the coming season, diagram a few plays, and run a couple of drills. We may also have to send a few of you home. I know, I know, it won't be fun for me either, but what's a training camp without a few cuts? Everyone do your best and I'm sure you'll stick around.

OK, let's get started. First up is special teams. Now imagine your favorite team is on the power play. What are you fans going to be doing? Yes, that's right, you'll be yelling, “SHOOOOT” for the entire two minutes. Let's all practice that right now. Hey, good job, you guys are in mid-season form!

Hold up, I think someone back there had a question? Could you repeat that so everyone can hear? Shouldn't we wait for the players to get set up before we start yelling for them to shoot? OK, well, looks like we have our first cut. The rest of you work on your “SHOOOOT” while Mr. Smartypants here packs up his gear and heads for the nearest exit. It's over there next to the confused guy in the Thrashers jersey who really should have kept up with his hockey news.

For the rest of you, the next topic is fighting. Now this is going to be tricky. For years, this was the easiest part of being a fan. When a fight started, you stood up, screamed for a while, high-fived your buddy, and then sat down happy. But over the past few years we've been learning about the damage these fights can do, and it's not pretty.

So here's the new process, effective this season: stand up; start to cheer; realize you're not supposed to be cheering; look around to see if other fans are cheering; cheer halfheartedly so you don't seem like a wimp; sit down awkwardly; and be consumed by a haunting cognitive dissonance for the rest of the evening. OK, everyone got it? Begin!

Hmm … I guess this one is going to take some work.

You know what? Let's come back to that one. Instead, let's lighten the mood a little. Who's up for The Wave? Everybody ready? Three, two, one … go!

OK, that was actually a trick question. Everyone who stood up just now is cut. Thanks for coming out. We hear they may be having MLB tryouts next door.

While we're at it, the following fans are also cut: anyone who stands up to wave at a TV camera while holding a cell phone. Anyone who forwards stories they read on anonymous trade rumor websites. And anyone who makes jokes about how fat a player is while simultaneously weighing one hundred pounds more than that player.

OK, we've been at this for almost a half-hour, which means the Toronto Maple Leafs platinum season-ticket holders have finally started arriving. If anyone wants to pelt them with empty water bottles, be my guest. No batteries, Flyers fans!

All right, time for the “buying a team jersey” drill. When I blow the whistle, you sprint to the sales display and grab your favorite team's jersey. Then grab a match and light your paycheck on fire. Now sprint back, and see if you can put the jersey on and wear it for a few minutes before the team announces they're being replaced with brand new ones. Hmm. Nobody made it. Oh well, we can always work on …

OK, who threw that waffle?

Look, folks. While we admire your passion and even your creativity, one of the areas we really want to emphasize this year is only doing things that
make sense.
That means no throwing waffles or dressing up in a spandex bodysuit or buying Calgary Flames playoff tickets. Let's keep it in the real world.

What's that? Yes, of course you can still hide an octopus in your pants and then throw it at the national anthem singer. Like I said, we're only trying to get rid of the strange stuff.

OK, let's divide up for our last drill. This one is called “reacting rationally to seeing your team play poorly in one meaningless pre-season game.” So everyone line up over there, next to the big pile of torches and pitchforks.

What's that? The Habs fans brought your own? Um … yeah. Well, that's why you guys are the greatest fans of all. No question about it. You guys are the best.

Please don't call 911.

 

Injuries are a hockey fact of life. By the time an NHL season has worn on for a few months, virtually everyone is fighting through some aches and pains. Many will play through them, while others have to miss games.

Of course, some players seem to find themselves in that latter group more often than others. Whether it's due to a reckless playing style, a refusal to play through pain, or just plain old bad luck, some players just always seem to be hurt. And once a player has earned a reputation for being injury prone, it can be a hard one to shake.

So if you're an NHL player wondering if you're hurt too often, read on for some possible signs that you may deserve the dreaded “injury prone” label.

 

• The two-paragraph section of the CBA dealing with the injured reserve mentions you by name fourteen times.
  
• Your hometown fans have booed Daniel Alfredsson ever since he mocked you by pretending to throw a broken femur into the stands.
  
• Every time your coach sends you onto the ice for a shift, the referee immediately gives him a match penalty for intent to injure.
  
• When he's angry at you, Zdeno Chara only bothers to guide you towards the general vicinity of the metal stanchion, instead of intentionally slamming you face-first into it.
  
• Every time somebody goes to hit you near the bench, the players and coaches all pull plastic sheeting over their heads like they're at a Gallagher show.
  
• Your scouting report describes you as “a chandelier, if it was made out of eggshells and
  papier-m€ché
  by Rick DiPietro.”
  
• When you were a kid, your parents used to always tell you, “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will only result in you being out day to day with a sprained medial collateral ligament.”
  
• Any time somebody throws a body check against you in a game of
  NHL 13
  it makes your head bleed. Not your character's—yours.
  
• Instead of Don Cherry constantly calling you a flamingo on
  Coach's Corner
  because you lift one leg while blocking a shot, Don Cherry constantly calls you a flamingo on
  Coach's Corner
  because your knees bend the wrong way.
  
• While many players over the years have been mockingly described as being allergic to body contact, you're the only one who isn't allowed into the corners unless you're wearing your clip-on EpiPen pouch.
  
• Any time Raffi Torres skates towards you to deliver a potentially career-ending head shot, he pauses at the last second and then mumbles, “Oh, I guess somebody must have already got here.”
  
• You spend every off-day visiting with as many children as possible at the local hospital, but eventually they all have to leave and go home.
  
• An ambulance follows you twenty-four hours a day, making you the first NHL player to have a red light flashing behind you at all times who wasn't a Maple Leafs goalie.
  
• Other players: often criticized for attempting to fight without first removing their helmet and visor. You: often criticized for attempting to fight without first removing your protective plastic bubble.
  
• Professional baseball players refer to you as “the toughest person we have ever seen.”
  

 

Football fans had a rough off-season in 2011. The NFL was going through a messy labor dispute that would drag on for months, with many experts suggesting that a work stoppage could wipe out some or even all of the season.

In the end those dire predictions turned out to be wrong, with the two sides reaching an agreement that prevented any games from being lost. But not before the NHL managed to get involved in the protracted courtroom battle between the NFL and its players association, by filing a legal brief urging a judge to side with the owners.

The move caught many observers off guard, and raised an obvious question: What sort of insight could the NHL really have to offer into football's problems? Plenty, as it turns out. I managed to obtain a top-secret copy of the NHL's brief, and found that it contains detailed advice that NFL owners no doubt found invaluable. Here's a selection of highlights from the filing:

 

• The cover page of the document has a note, in what appears to be NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's handwriting, that reads: “Should I have heard of these guys?”
  
• The brief contains a lengthy section titled: “How to keep a straight face if the players start to swear that they'll never accept a hard salary cap.”
  
• The league includes a helpful suggestion that the NFL consider generating some publicity by holding an outdoor game at a football stadium.
  
• Under the heading “Typo Alert,” NHL officials write: “Couldn't help but notice that you keep claiming you make several billion dollars a year off of your TV deal. Silly NFL, ‘million' is spelled with an ‘m'!”
  
• At the request of NHL officials, the brief includes the following note: “Hey, can you ask your referees where they get those microphones that actually work during crucial calls?”
  
• Three-quarters of the document's pages are spent trying to explain the NHL's exact policy on head shots.
  
• The brief includes a note from Mike Murphy that reads: “The guys in your replay room must be blind, because somebody scores using a distinctive kicking motion in, like, every single game.”
  
• A copy of Gary Bettman's résumé was “accidentally” slipped in between the first two pages.
  
• At one point, the NHL writes: “That little silver football thing you guys have is adorable, but give us a call if you ever decide to move up to giving out big-boy trophies.”
  
• The league strongly encourages owners in other sports to stand firm in labour disputes, at one point noting: “In fact, if both the NFL and NBA wanted to just cancel the next several seasons, we'd be totally fine with that.”
  
• The brief includes a section titled: “A detailed guide to televising a draft without letting your announcers ruin the suspense of every pick ten seconds before it's announced.”
  
• In incredibly tiny type at the bottom of the last page, the document includes the words: “By reading this brief, you agree that you are now the proud new owner of the Phoenix Coyotes.”
  
• The brief concludes with this sentence: “Despite the many differences between our two leagues, at the very least we can all come together and agree that the Panthers suck.”
  

 

 

It all seemed so perfect. Coming out of the lockout, the NHL found itself with two brand new stars. Despite different personalities, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin were both young and marketable. When the Capitals and Penguins both quickly developed into Stanley Cup contenders, it seemed like the league had finally found a head-to-head battle with the potential to attract a new generation of fans. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything, it now seems. Crosby's battle with concussion symptoms has been well documented, forcing him to miss most of the 2011–12 season. Meanwhile, Ovechkin often seems to have lost the spark that made him dominant. One can't-miss star now seems ordinary when he takes the ice, while the other spends most of his time in the trainer's room.

Maybe this is just a short-term detour in what will still be a long and entertaining rivalry. Or maybe we've already seen the best these two have to offer. Either way, it appears the two stars will be linked for years to come. Here's a comparison of two talented and popular young players who were once viewed as the league's future, and hopefully will be again.