The Best of Down Goes Brown (10 page)

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Authors: Sean McIndoe

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Chapter 18
An In-depth Comparison: Mario Lemieux vs. Patrick Roy

 

 

It's one of those wonderful coincidences that occasionally shows up in sports history: Two of the NHL's all-time greatest players, Mario Lemieux and Patrick Roy, were born just a short distance apart on the same day of the same year.

And while October 5, 1965, would go on to become one of the most famous birthdays in league history, it wasn't the only way in which the lives of these two hockey legends would overlap. Both players debuted in the 1984–85 season, both won multiple Stanley Cups, and both earned a spot in the Hall of Fame.

Of course, the two players weren't completely similar. Here are some of the subtle differences between two of hockey's most celebrated stars:

 

Roy:
Often seemed to be the quickest player on the ice, despite playing the whole game wearing forty pounds of goaltending equipment.
Lemieux:
Often seemed to be the quickest player on the ice, despite playing the whole game wearing 400 pounds of defensemen hanging off his back.

 

Lemieux:
Was deceptively fast going from center ice to the goal, often arriving before the opponent's defense was ready for him.
Roy:
Was deceptively fast going from the goal to center ice, often arriving before the Red Wings' goaltender was ready for him.

 

Roy:
Was known to talk to his posts before an important game, even though he knew that they were inanimate objects that couldn't communicate back to him.
Lemieux:
Occasionally hung out with the Samuelsson brothers.

 

Lemieux:
The Penguins unveiled a statue in his honor in March 2012.
Roy:
The Canadiens employed a statue as his backup goalie from 1990 to 1994.

 

Roy:
Is one of the only players in hockey history to have had two different franchises retire his number.
Lemieux:
Only ever had his number retired by the Penguins, although during the 1991 final he did leave Shawn Chambers's jockstrap hanging from the rafters.

 

Lemieux:
Made one of the most famous plays of his career during the Olympic gold medal game in 2002, when he allowed an incoming puck to slide through his legs so that teammate Paul Kariya could score.
Roy:
A few months later, paid tribute to Lemieux during game seven against the Red Wings by allowing incoming pucks to slide through his legs all game long.

 

Roy:
Was caught winking at Kings' player Tomas Sandstrom during the Cup final because he knew with absolute certainty that he was going to win.
Lemieux:
Was caught winking at Gary Bettman before the drawing at the 2005 Sidney Crosby draft lottery because he was being friendly. Why, what did you think it was?

 

Lemieux:
Became inextricably linked with Wayne Gretzky at the 1987 Canada Cup when the two combined to score the winning goal in the final game.
Roy:
Became inextricably linked with Wayne Gretzky at the 1998 Olympics when Marc Crawford apparently decided they were both equally qualified to take a shot in the shoot-out.

 

Roy:
Put together one of the greatest clutch performances in post-season history in 1993 when he won a record eleven consecutive overtime games.
Lemieux:
Has no idea what you're talking about, since he had the 1993 playoffs surgically erased from his memory.

 

Lemieux:
Complained vocally about a 2011 Penguins/Islanders brawl because he felt the league had allowed the use of goon tactics to become too prevalent.
Roy:
Complained vocally about a 2011 Penguins/Islanders brawl because he felt the goalie fight was way too short.

 

Roy:
During a blowout loss against the Red Wings, had a heated conversation with the Canadiens team president that resulted in him being traded to the Colorado Avalanche.
Lemieux:
Late in his career, had several heated conversations with the Penguins team president that resulted in his wife knocking on the bathroom door and telling him to stop talking to himself again.

 

Lemieux:
Likely saved professional hockey in Pittsburgh in 1999 when he rescued the Penguins from bankruptcy and became their majority owner.
Roy:
Has never been involved with ownership at the NHL level, unless you count Jeremy Roenick in the playoffs.
Chapter 19
The NHL's Plan for Appealing to Video Game Fans

 

At its heart, the NHL is in the entertainment business. And these days, that can be a tough business to be in. There's more competition for our attention and our dollars than ever before, and it's getting increasingly difficult to appeal to younger fans who may not have grown up with the game the way their parents and grandparents did.

The shifting interests of the younger generation, who increasingly prefer the quicker pace and instant gratification of video games, has become a league-wide problem. The NHL can't survive without the younger demographic, and right now that potential fan base often doesn't seem to like what it sees from the league.

Luckily, the NHL has a plan. Sources tell me that the league is already working on several initiatives to lure video game fans back to the NHL product. Here's the full list:

 

  • Every game, one lucky fan gets to carjack the Zamboni and back over the driver.
  • To make online gamers feel at home, replace traditional play-by-play announcers with racist and homophobic twelve-year-olds who apparently have no parents.
  • Four words: Rock Band Brass Bonanza.
  • Replace the shoot-out with an actual shoot-out.
  • Stop referring to Maple Leafs penalty killers as “hesitant,” “slow,” or “lethargic.” Begin referring to them as “laggy.”
  • During post-game interviews, encourage players to whine dramatically about the burden of avenging their dead fathers.
  • All fights will now be preceded by a glass-breaking effect, for some reason.
  • Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee—as long as they remember to yell “Leeroy Jenkins” first.
  • All games will now feature background music. Seven seconds of background music. Repeated over, and over, and over.
  • At the end of every season, the Art Ross winner has thirty seconds to sign his initials on the high-score board.
  • To make the television broadcasts look more like a sports video game, all fans will be encouraged to dress alike, be heavily pixelated, and constantly stand up and awkwardly wave their arms around for no reason.
  • Bettman: Arkham City.
  • Instead of a final buzzer, every game will now end with a brief cut-scene, classical music, and seventeen minutes of scrolling Japanese names.
  • Hit the reset button on the entire league and reload the saved game from 1994.
Chapter 20
A Period-by-Period Recap of The 2011 Stanley Cup Final

 

The 2011 NHL season featured one of the best Stanley Cup finals in a generation. The matchup between the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks featured everything a fan could want: heroes, villains, controversy, close games, blowouts, and of course, the stomach-churning drama of a deciding seventh game.

A series that memorable deserves more than just a game-by-game breakdown. So let's go one further, with a period-by-period review of the 2011 Stanley Cup final.

Game one: Canucks 1, Bruins 0
First period:
In an effort to appeal to a younger demographic, the NHL announces that the role of the brooding but misunderstood vampire will be played by Alex Burrows.
Second period:
As a neutral fan, you feel vaguely comfortable with the idea of one of these teams winning the Stanley Cup for the last time in the series.
Third period:
Raffi Torres fools the Bruins' defense to score the game-winning goal by using a trick play he calls “Shoot the puck like a normal player instead of launching your elbow into somebody's temple.”
Game two: Canucks 3, Bruins 2 (OT)
First period:
Manny Malhotra makes an emotional return to the lineup wearing a full-face shield, which he will later admit is just an attempt to keep Brad Marchand from yapping in his ear all game.
Second period:
In an embarrassing coincidence, the entire twenty-minute period is played without a whistle after all forty players simultaneously drop to the ice and roll around to draw a penalty.
Third period:
The Canucks tie the game by scoring their third goal of the series, then quickly remind themselves to slow down and not use up the remaining five too quickly.
Overtime:
Somewhere in the building, a Canuck fan who spent $2,000 on tickets returns to his seat eleven seconds late and asks, “So, did I miss anything?”
Game three: Bruins 8, Canucks 1
First period:
Aaron Rome catches Nathan Horton admiring his pass and delivers a textbook open-ice check, but the anti-Canucks media go and make a big deal out of it being a “late hit” just because the pass was from the opening shift of game two.
Second period:
The Bruins realize that since the Canucks are apparently planning to hit them late whenever they pass, it would be safer to just shoot the puck into the net every time they touch it.
Third period
: In hindsight, Bruins coach Claude Julien admits he probably shouldn't have let Bill Belichick talk him into going for two.
Game four: Bruins 4, Canucks 0
First period:
Bruins' legend Bobby Orr takes part in the pre-game ceremony, fires up the crowd, and then ruins the good vibe by asking if there's any chance he could be traded to Colorado.
Second period:
The TD Gardens maintenance guy starts to worry that he really should have replaced the bulb in the goal light behind Luongo.
Third period
: Frustrated Bruins players learn that their advanced scouting report on Canucks backup goalie Cory Schneider simply says, “Try to get a penalty shot and make his groin disintegrate so Luongo has to go back in.”
Game five: Canucks 1, Bruins 0
First period:
While sitting in his living room enjoying the series on TV, Tomas Kaberle gets the nagging feeling that he was supposed to be somewhere this month.
Second period:
After demanding during a fiery intermission speech that the slumping Sedin brothers “look yourselves in the mirror” coach Alain Vigneault realizes that the dressing room doesn't actually have a mirror and the two brothers are just sitting across from each other staring creepily.
Third period:
Roberto Luongo points out that Maxim Lapierre could never have scored that winning goal against him, in the sense that they're teammates.
Game six: Bruins 5, Canucks 2
First period:
Bruins fans are widely criticized for mocking Mason Raymond as he lies on the ice with a fractured vertebra. But in fairness it's the first time they've accused an opponent of faking a broken back in, like, two months.
Second period:
As he sits on the bench, an embarrassed Luongo begins to realize that the start times listed for the road games in this series are probably in Eastern time.
Third period:
Bartenders in Boston start to wonder why customers keep trying to pay for drinks with bloody strips of green spandex.
Game seven: Bruins 4, Canucks 0
First period:
The Bruins score the opening goal, but after a brief discussion NHL officials decide that they might as well go ahead and play the rest of the game anyway.
Second period:
As the Bruins build an insurmountable lead, devastated Canuck players console themselves with the knowledge that at least they can still drive home in their luxury sports cars that they parked on the streets outside the arena.
Third period:
As the closing seconds tick down, Ryan Kesler thinks ahead to which winner-take-all championship game in Vancouver he'd like to lose next.
Chapter 21
Know Your Sports: The NHL vs. Soccer

 

Hockey fans typically experience severe withdrawal after the end of the NHL season. But this year, rather than sitting around all summer waiting on the occasional trade news and counting down the days to training camp, why not try something new?

For example, hockey and soccer are at least somewhat similar. Both are popular around the world, both involve trying to score into an opponent's net, and both combine the brilliance of individual stars with the strategy of intricate team systems.

But while hockey fans would no doubt appreciate the spectacle of the world's most popular sport, many don't understand it. Despite the similarities between the two sports there are also several differences, many of which are subtle and could prove confusing for novice fans.

That's why I put a call out to my various international bureaus, and we put together this guide to help hockey fans follow the “beautiful game.”

 

Soccer:
If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely a die-hard fan who has traveled from an exotic foreign land to attend the game.
Hockey:
If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely Don Cherry.

 

Soccer:
The sport is commonly called “football,” although Americans often refer to it as “soccer.”
Hockey:
The sport is commonly called “hockey,” although Americans often refer to it as “something to watch if there's no baseball, football, basketball, golf, NASCAR, poker, MMA, fishing, or bowling on TV.”

 

Soccer:
“Injury time” refers to the additional playing time added to the end of each half at the discretion of the referee.
Hockey:
“Injury time” refers to lowering your head for a second when Raffi Torres is on the ice.

 

Soccer:
Watching a game can be almost unbearable thanks to the
vuvuzela
, a South African noise-making horn that produces a horribly annoying noise that drones on nonstop for the entire game, leaving you fighting the urge to hurl the remote through your TV screen.
Hockey:
Pierre McGuire.

 

Soccer:
The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to differences in international time zones.
Hockey:
The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to NBC not wanting to preempt any important infomercials or horse racing pre-game shows later that afternoon.

 

Soccer:
In 1986, the “hand of God” sent Argentina into the World Cup semifinals at Mexico City.
Hockey:
In 1993, the “hand of God” sent Marty McSorley's eyeball into the fifteenth row at Maple Leaf Gardens.

 

Soccer:
A player will occasionally be granted a “penalty kick,” presenting him with so much open net to shoot at that he's virtually guaranteed to score as long as he doesn't miss the net or hit the post.
Hockey:
The equivalent is known as “shooting against Roberto Luongo in the playoffs.”

 

Soccer:
In an embarrassing display that any self-respecting sports fan would feel nauseated by, players will often react to even the slightest contact by pretending to be injured while rolling around pathetically on the grass.
Hockey:
Completely different. The game is played on ice instead of grass.

 

Soccer:
Riot police must often use tear gas, armored vehicles, and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as “hooligans.”
Hockey:
Riot police must often use tear gas, armored vehicles, and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as “the Boston Bruins.”

 

Soccer:
If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he is the goalie.
Hockey:
If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he arrived five minutes late and his team had already done another jersey redesign.

 

Soccer:
When a game is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion, it is known as a “friendly.”
Hockey:
When a game is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion, it is known as a “Maple Leafs regular season game after mid-November.”

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