The Best of Down Goes Brown (8 page)

 

The NHL's suspension policy is a constant source of controversy. And whether it was former head disciplinarian Colin Campbell or current chief Brendan Shanahan making the call, you can always count on any decisions being criticized.

By now, fans are familiar with the refrain: Discipline is handed out haphazardly, almost randomly! There's no consistency! They're just making it up as they go along!

Nonsense. The criticism is unfair and unfounded. The NHL absolutely does have a clear policy about suspensions, and the policy is followed faithfully. The league just hasn't decided to share it publicly. So I'm doing it for them.

Yes, I have a copy of the NHL's discipline policy. And I think it's only fair that hockey fans everywhere get to see it. So here, straight from the league office, is the super top-secret policy for handing out suspensions:

By the way, it should go without saying that this policy applies only in the regular season.

There's a separate policy for the post-season, which can be found here:

 

Mats Sundin played for three teams during his eighteen-year NHL career. But for a generation of fans he'll always be a Maple Leaf, and in February of 2012 he saw his number 13 raised to the rafters in an emotional ceremony at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto.

Sundin's career was often spectacular, but his legacy is complicated. To this day, Maple Leafs fans can't seem to agree on what he meant to the team. He owns several franchise scoring records, but was criticized for underachieving. He refused an opportunity to leave the team, but was accused of lacking loyalty.

Now that Sundin has taken his place alongside Maple Leafs immortality, let's take a look back at the career of one of the game's most polarizing figures.

 

 

When Gary Bettman became NHL commissioner in 1993, one of his mandates was to grow the game beyond its traditional markets. He set out to do that with an aggressive plan targeting the southern United States, and between expansion and relocations, the league soon found itself in several brand new markets.

The results have been mixed. While southern teams have certainly seen their share of success on the ice, most have struggled with the bottom line. The Phoenix Coyotes have been in a well-documented state of flux for a decade, the Atlanta Thrashers moved to Winnipeg, and teams in cities like Dallas and Nashville have struggled financially.

Some fans would conclude that the southern US just can't support NHL teams, but that seems unfair. After all, some southern markets do just fine. The key is figuring out which are viable hockey markets. And that can involve the league asking itself some tough questions.

Here are some signs that your local market may not actually be able to support an NHL franchise:

 

• When you try to describe the concept of icing to the fans by explaining that it's when the puck is shot all the way down to the other end of the ice, they respond, “That's great. What's ‘ice'?”
  
• Any time they hear a fourth-line player described as “gritty,” fans instinctively try to smother him in cheese and red-eye gravy.
  
• Nobody's coming right out and saying that the geographic location is too tropical for professional hockey, but “the wave” going around the arena right now is an actual wave.
  
• When their team goes on a power play, the fans just wait patiently for them to set up a scoring chance instead of instantly yelling “SHOOOOOOT” like real fans do.
  
• Scheduling has occasionally proven difficult since the arena is often booked for higher-profile events, such as rock concerts or NBA games or children's birthday parties.
  
• The fans in the new city never seem to grow attached to the team's logo and uniform colors, even though ownership has given plenty of chances by changing them to something new every six months.
  
• The kiss cam has recently been replaced by the “Let's see if we can find a section with more than one person sitting in it” cam.
  
• You throw your hat to celebrate a hat trick; by the time it hits the ice, it's riddled with bullet holes.
  
• The fans are always asking dumb questions like, “What exactly is the point of that trapezoid thing behind the net?” instead of just pretending to have any idea and then quickly changing the subject.
  
• As promised, the new arena that the city paid for immediately attracted dozens of new businesses to open up nearby, although it seems like a bad sign that every one of them is a moving company or a bankruptcy trustee.
  
• Instead of “Go team go!” or “Charge!” the most common fan chant is “Hey, could everyone out there on the ice keep it down? We're trying to catch the score of the college football game.”
  
• When people come to visit your market they're always saying things like, “Gee, it's hot here” and “My, it's very warm even in winter” and “The name of this city is Phoenix.”
  
• It's the first year in the new market and team management isn't even bothering to take basic steps to build a winner, such as calling up the Montreal Canadiens and asking if they want to give away their franchise goaltender for nothing.
  
• After the last home game of every season, the scoreboard flashes the message “To be continued?”
  

 

OK, people, can I have your attention? Everyone listen up. You too, Mr. Bettman. This is important.

As you know, tonight's game marks the first time in this year's final that a team is one win away from taking the series. That means that the Stanley Cup will be in the building, and there's a chance it will be awarded after the game. It's a big moment, and we all need to be on the same page, so let's go over the game plan.

When the series ends, it's going to be chaos. Fans screaming, players hugging, linesmen stealing pucks. Everyone stay professional. And please, make sure the game is really done before you let the media storm onto the ice. Neither of these teams is the Buffalo Sabres, so it's important to try to actually get things right.

OK, once the handshakes are done the Cup will be brought out by the two guys who carry it everywhere: the guy who's never in any commercials and the guy who's in every commercial. Are they here? Great. You two will bring it out from the back hallway where it's been during the third period, being shown on television every fifteen seconds. Set it up on the little pedestal at center ice, and then go back to doing whatever it is you do the other 364 days of the year.

OK, Gary, once the Cup is out on the ice, that's your cue to make your way over. Let's walk through it right now. Great, great, you're here, one hand awkwardly on the Cup, ready to go. Pause for booing. Booing. More booing. Still booing. Hey, have you ever considered letting someone else handle this? It's just that the fans all really seem like they'd prefer it if … You know what, you're the boss. I'm not here to tell you how to do your job.

So anyways… Booing. More booing. Now, Gary, while all this is going on, you're going to want to be wearing the proper facial expression. I'd recommend a smirky mixture of glib condescension and bemused annoyance. Do you think you could … Hey, wow, that's really good. Have you been practicing?

Really? Permanent, you say? As in 24 hours a day? Hmm. Wow. OK, well, it's perfect, so don't change a thing.

So now some of the fans have given up on booing and are starting to hiss. That's a good time to start the presentation, so you're going to need to call over the captain of the winning team. Hold on, not yet. Wait until he's just started his interview with
Hockey Night in Canada
. And … now!

OK, Gary, remember this guy has literally spent the majority of his life focused on getting his hands on the Stanley Cup. He's bled for it, sacrificed, missed his children's birthdays, all for this one exact moment. So before you hand it over to him, make sure you force him to pose for photographs with you. He won't mind at all. That's right, be sure to hold the pose just long enough for it to feel awkward. Fantastic.

OK, now the winning team is going to pass the Cup around. There's an established order here, so let's make sure they follow it. First, the captain. Next, the sympathetic old guy on the team who's never won the Cup before. Next, any players who think they were unfairly singled out for criticism by fans and media. That should take care of the rest of the entire roster.

Now listen up, everyone, because once the players have the Stanley Cup we all have our most important job of the evening: We get out of the way. The NHL does a lot of things wrong, but this is the one moment we get exactly right. No owners grabbing the trophy. No corporate shills. No television personalities screaming into a microphone. Just twenty or so players who've endured two months of hell together, for this one chance to share the Cup. They've earned this. It's their moment. Let's all just stand back and absorb the positive energy.

Well, all of us except for Gary. The fans are still booing him.

Great smirk, though.