The Big Chihuahua (11 page)

“Geri, this is very good,” said Towering Cedar as we sat on a bench in the hall on the second floor of the lodge, waiting to meet Artichoke. It sounded like she was arguing with someone inside her office, but I couldn’t hear the other person’s voice. “We will soon be part of the beta pack, plus you have two males both trying to mark you as their territory,” Pepe went on.

“That’s not exactly how I think about it,” I said, though I had to admit I was really surprised by the unexpected attention from Fox Black. The fact that he had dialed it down a lot after we left Felix’s presence was disappointing, but since I assumed flirting was just part of his nature, I didn’t take it too seriously.

“Well, you can be sure that Felix is even more interested in you now,” said Pepe. “I could smell it on him!”

“Are you sure?” I asked. “He looked sort of annoyed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he left.”

“Oh no, he will stay around to claim his prize,” said Pepe. “Trust me!”

Just then, the door opened and Artichoke appeared. She wore a dark green velvet vest over a long, tiered green skirt.

“Ah, Crystal told me you would be continuing with us,” she said. “Come in!”

“How are you doing?” I asked as she waved me to a seat across from her desk. She did not seem like the distraught woman we had last seen. Her hair was braided and coiled in a tight bun on her head.

“I am in the Now,” she said, as if she did not know what I meant.

“I mean, after finding the body,” I said, leaning forward.

Artichoke pondered that for a minute. “Everyone passes away,” she said. “For Leaf, that time was yesterday. But she is now with Dogawanda on the other side. That is not cause for dismay or grief as it would be for those who are unevolved.”

OK. That put me in my place. Artichoke turned to look at her computer screen. I saw there was also a telephone on her desk.

“Oh, so you do have Internet and phones here,” I said.

“Yes, but I am the only one who has access. For others, it would be a distraction. It would take them out of the Now.”

Artichoke pushed some papers across the desk toward me. “This is our standard contract. If you will just sign here and there”—she pointed to some lines at the end of the three-page document—“and give me your credit card, I can get you out of here in time to have dinner before the evening session.”

“I’d love to read this,” I said, peering at the page of text, which was set in a tiny font.

“It just indemnifies us from any legal claim that might result if you were injured in any way by the training or some mishap that happened while you were staying with us,” Artichoke explained. “It also prevents you from disclosing anything you learn about while on our premises.”

“Has that happened?” I asked.

“Well, sometimes people leave. Sometimes we find they are not suitable candidates for Dogawanda’s wisdom. They may have some bad feelings as a result and sometimes they express their dissatisfaction publicly. Or someone thinks they can go off and create their own school, using Dogawanda’s wisdom. This document makes it clear that we will sue if either of those things happens.”

“You would think that Dogawanda would appreciate others spreading the word,” I said, my pen poised over the signature line.

Artichoke was not amused. “It’s important that the principles are presented in the right context. They can be easily misconstrued.”

“I do not agree to these terms, Geri,” said Pepe. “But as long as you are signing and not me, we should be OK.”

Artichoke took my credit card and wrote down the numbers. She had another form I had to sign to give my permission for the charge. Five thousand dollars for one week of beta-level classes. I hoped that Jimmy G would be able to recoup the cost from Mark.

“That is a lot of money, Geri,” said Pepe.

“How many others are continuing on?” I asked Artichoke.

“We’ll see after the dinner,” she replied. “That’s where we make the formal pitch. And sometimes candidates decide after the graduation ceremony. It’s very powerful.”

“So how come we got signed up early?” I asked.

“You’re very lucky,” Artichoke said, standing up to indicate our session was over. “Crystal has taken a special interest in your little dog. I understand he has a role to play in the graduation ceremony.”

“I am not a little dog,” Pepe said.

“He is not a little dog,” I said.

“He most certainly is,” said Artichoke firmly.

“It sounds like you don’t approve of him,” I said. I felt like I should defend my dog.

“Whatever Dogawanda wants is what I want,” Artichoke said crisply. “I’m just not convinced that Dogawanda would ever choose to speak through a Chihuahua.”

I didn’t get much of a chance to talk with Felix over dinner. We were assigned tables; the idea seemed to be to pair up someone who had come for the introductory weekend with a beta-level and an alpha-level Dogawandan. If it was anything like our table, the goal was to persuade the prospect to sign up for the next level by talking about the benefits and wisdom to come. I saw checkbooks being handed over at other tables and credit cards as well.

Felix did not seem to be enjoying his dinner at all. In fact, he seemed to be arguing with the Dogawandans at his table, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to him again because Pepe and I were whisked away to the Longhouse to prepare for the final ceremony.

But Pepe was right; when Star ushered us out onto the stage set up at the front of the Longhouse, I saw Felix leaning against the wall in the back of the room. He was half in shadow, so I couldn’t really read the expression on his face.

Star took her usual place, sitting on a chair in the center of the stage. She had placed another chair beside her, full of pillows, and Pepe was posed on top of the pile, which made him almost as tall as Star. He had adopted a Sphinx-like pose, lying down, facing the audience with his paws in front of him.

I was supposed to sit facing the audience, at the left-hand side of the stage, where I had to crane my head at an awkward angle to see Pepe, but he insisted I remain close at hand. Fox Black was seated on the other side of the stage, and I could feel his eyes on me. I tried to ignore him since I didn’t want to give Felix the wrong impression.

The entire Longhouse was filled. The Dogawandans in the inner circle, like Terry and Artichoke, were sitting on pillows in the middle of the room, and the participants were lined up on the benches. Felix was all the way at the back.

“Greetings, loved ones,” said Star. She was wearing a cloud-white garment that shimmered in the light of the candles that were arrayed in glass jars at the front of the stage. A single floor lamp illuminated her teased blond hair and Pepe’s white fur, so they seemed to glow in the darkness. “You are in for a fabulous treat tonight, something that will be talked about around the world tomorrow.”

A whisper, a sigh, a gasp rippled through the crowd.

“Yes, after many years of channeling Dogawanda,” Star said, “I have the extraordinary privilege of introducing you to a new entity, an entity that I am able to channel because of this amazing being.” She waved her hand at Pepe and he sat up and took a bow.

There was a faint ripple of laughter in the crowd. “He may look small,” she said, “but his soul contains dimensions.” She folded her hands in her lap and bowed her head. She seemed to be falling asleep, and I didn’t blame her. It was dark and warm in the Longhouse and the air was thick with the scent of beeswax and incense.

“When do I get to talk?” asked Pepe.

“Hush!” I said, motioning for him to be quiet.

Star’s head snapped up. In the gloom, her face seemed to elongate. Her golden eyes seemed to glow in the darkness. Her voice was gruff, almost like a bark.

“Dogawanda greets his servants,” she said.

“I didn’t say anything,” said Pepe.

Star seemed startled. She turned to look at Pepe, shook her head, then bowed it again. Nothing happened for many minutes, but everyone in the room remained perfectly still. When Pepe spoke again, I was sure everyone could hear him.

He said, “Greetings, followers of Towering Cedar.”

Star shivered slightly. Then she lifted her head, and this time her voice was lighter, more lilting than it had been when she channeled Dogawanda.

“Towering Cedar welcomes you!”

The crowd gasped as one.

“Yes,” Star went on smoothly, “I am a new entity coming to you through the channel of this Chihuahua.” She turned to bow to Pepe, who blinked. He always looks particularly wise when he blinks, although that usually happens right before he falls asleep. “And through my beloved vessel, Crystal Star.”

“So she can hear me, Geri!” said Pepe, looking at me.

“Yes, I can hear the words of this entity known as Towering Cedar as they form in the mind of this mighty creature,” Star declared, her voice growing in volume.

Pepe seemed to be waking up. “This is
magnifico
!” he declared.

“It is magnificent,” said Star, “as you are all my beloved followers.”

“I wonder if they will do as I tell them?” Pepe mused.

“Dear ones, I call you to follow my precepts. You must live in alignment with the divine order of the Dog,” Star said.

“Towering Cedar commands you . . . ,” Pepe began.

“And Towering Cedar commands you . . .” Star paused.

“You must all bark!” said Pepe.

“To bark?” Star looked at Pepe.

“
Sí
, bark like a dog!” said Pepe.

“To bark,” Star commanded, “and so align with the dog within.”

Immediately the room erupted in a cacophony of yips and yowls, ruffs and roars. Everyone seemed to have a different interpretation of what a bark sounded like. The only person I could see who seemed unmoved was Felix, who had his arms folded and his mouth firmly shut. I pretended to bark while turning to Pepe and glaring at him.

Star waved her arms and the din subsided. “Towering Cedar advises you to bark for at least ten minutes a day,” she said. “First thing in the morning. It will help you release negative feelings and the demons of insecurity.”

“I said no such thing,” said Pepe. “I just wanted to see if they would obey.”

“Towering Cedar is well pleased,” said Star, “and thanks you for your obedience. As you know, obedience to the alpha is an important tenet of the Dogawandan code. In fact, it is the second commandment of Dogawanda.”

“And the first commandment of Towering Cedar is this,” said Pepe. “Beware of those who try to train you. They desire to control you. Never trust them!”

“Indeed, Towering Cedar affirms that you must trust those who train you.”

“That is not what I said,” declared Pepe. “That is the opposite of what I said.”

“It is called a paradox,” said Star, “for through perfect obedience comes perfect freedom.”

“Wait a minute!” said Pepe.

“And now we will conclude by reciting the Seven Commandments of Dogawanda,” said Star.

“But only after I tell the story of my life as a temple dog in the service of the moon goddess, Coyolxauhqui.” I could see that my dog did not want to give up the limelight and was making things up as usual.

“But first,” said Star, “I will reveal myself to you as the Aztec moon goddess, Ixoli-Pixoli.”

“No way, Jose!” said Pepe, sounding annoyed. “I said temple dog.” Then after a pause. “OK, but if you want the moon goddess”—his voice rose an octave—“I will give you the moon goddess.” He sat up straighter. “I saw the great unhappiness of my people and decided to descend to earth in the form of a little white dog. A brave dog. A noble dog. A dog who would lead his people to great victories.”

“I am here to lead you to great victories,” Star said. “I take this humble form to inspire you so that you know that even if we seem small, we can achieve greatness. Look within and you will find the courage to continue on the path of Dogawanda.”

“And now you must worship me,” said Pepe. “I accept cash, checks, and credit cards.”

“The moon goddess requests you show your respect by showering this gentle creature that does her bidding with affection,” Star said. “And now I bid you adieu!” She slumped in her chair, and Fox Black hurried to her side. He seemed worried about her. They held a whispered consultation. She kept shaking her head and glancing at Pepe. Then she stood up.

“I hope you are well satisfied,” she told the crowd. “Fox tells me that you got to meet the new entity I was privileged to channel for you.” There was a murmur of appreciation from the crowd. “This is a watershed moment for us,” Star said. “It means that we will be able to expand our programs and include the wisdom of the Aztec empire along with the wisdom of the Dog. I will be announcing a new level of training in the next week. For now, I hope that you will join me in a howl of praise and mystery.”

 

 

After the howl and the formal acceptance of the graduates into the community, which was achieved by making a circle around them through which they had to pass, we all filed out into the evening air. It was starting to get cold. A few stars were visible over the tops of the trees and the sky was filled with orange and pink clouds in the west.

Pepe was in the center of a swarm of acolytes who wanted to touch him. I think he was disappointed they weren’t offering money, but he settled for petting.

“Wasn’t that amazing?” I said to Felix.

“What?” said Felix. “That your dog barked and Star pretended he was speaking?”

“That’s all you heard? Pepe barking?”

“And Star making up ridiculous stories.” He looked at me with troubled eyes. “What am I missing here?”

I tried to act casual. “Nothing. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I can hear Pepe talking.”

“Dogs are very expressive, that’s true,” Felix said.

“And they communicate with us in many subtle ways, that’s true. But dogs don’t talk and dogs don’t channel Aztec goddesses. Leave it to humans to come up with such bizarre concepts. The wonder is that she can make money off this nonsense.”

“And so will we, Geri!” said Pepe, bounding over to us. “I think I’m getting the hang of this channeling scam.”