The Bodies We Wear (21 page)

I wish we could stay like this forever. Every moment is simple and pure. It would be easy to forget everything else. I can see why people search desperately for love. It’s comforting. It makes you feel secure. Safe.

“I don’t want to lose you, Faye,” Chael says. “And I will fight for you, even if you end up hating me forever.”

I turn around in his arms and look up into those bright green eyes. “I could never hate you.”

“You haven’t seen everything I’m capable of.”

And then he leans down and kisses me.

We don’t talk much after that. After a while we lie down on his bed and hold each other tightly. My hair has since dried and Chael twirls his finger around my curls, winding and unwinding them over and over. I trace my hand along his chest, feeling the smoothness of his muscles. We kiss some more.

I’m not sure exactly when I fall asleep but I’m in his arms and I feel secure.

I feel loved.

I sleep and there are no dreams. Nothing but warm darkness washing over me.

When I wake up, I’m alone.

It takes several minutes to remember where I am. The strange room looks disjointed and spooky without the light. Chael must have blown out all the candles. The portable heater is still on but he’s turned it down so it only gives off a faint amount of heat. That’s fine. The room is warm enough.

But where is Chael?

I get up, trying to shake the sleepiness from my mind. I walk over to the bathroom to take a look since it’s the only other room but there’s no Chael.

I sit back down on the bed and replay our last conversation in my mind. Why would he go and leave me here alone? That makes no sense. He never mentioned having to do anything tonight.

Unless …

I grab my phone and check the time. It’s a little after two. Closing time for the bars. Is it possible that Chael went after Rufus?

You haven’t seen everything I’m capable of.

Holy crap.

I cross the room in two strides. My fingers wrap around the door handle but nothing happens. I pull hard but the door won’t budge.

I’ve been locked in.

That rat bastard!

I twist the handle in both directions and bang on the door. I put my ear against the metal and try to see if I can hear anything on the other side. Nothing. So I go over to the wall and do the same thing. No televisions blare from the next door. No voices chatting. Not even snoring.

I try the window next but it’s sealed tight. No matter how much I pull and yank on it, the glass won’t move an inch. I run my fingers along the side looking for secret locks but I come up empty-handed. The only way I’m going to get through is to break it and I’m not there yet. Besides, it’s pointless. The street below is empty and I can’t imagine anyone is going to come strolling along any minute. It’s too late at night. Even if I managed to find someone, it’d probably be a drunk or a gutter rat too scared to get involved.

Chael was right to pick this place. There’s no one to hear me scream.

I could call someone. Chael didn’t take my phone. But who? There’s no way I’d call Gazer and he’s pretty much the only person I ever contact. I’d rather die than admit to Gazer that I got locked into this situation like a fly drawn straight into the beehive.

So stupid of me. I should have never let down my guard like that.

I go back and try the door again but now I’m starting to feel ridiculously foolish, like a chicken with its head cut off. Resigning myself to the situation, I finally go back over to the bed and sit down. There’s nothing I can do except wait.

I’m going to kill him when he gets back.

No, not kill. That would be too good for him. I’m not against a little bit of torture at this point.

If he kills Rufus, that’ll be it. I’m not sure if I can come back from that. Chael said he wants to take my revenge in order to save me. But he’s right about one thing. If he does this, he’ll make me hate him. And forever won’t be long enough. There have just been too many years of resentment and long nights plotting revenge. I’ve built up too much rage. I’ve invested a lot of time in this. What will I do if it’s taken away?

Is having my hatred good enough as long as he thinks he’s saving my soul?

I pick up the wine bottle and take a long drink. Sitting back down on the bed, I position myself so I have a good view of the door.

If there’s one thing living this life has taught me, it’s patience. I can wait till Chael gets back. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.

Although I’ve been dozing for the past hour, I hear the creak of the key in the lock. Instantly I’m off the bed and at the door before he manages to open it an inch. The second his body pushes through, I’m at him, hands raised, smacking him against his chest and arms.

“You bastard!” I shout. “How could you do this to me? I trusted you.”

“That was your first mistake, I guess.”

I smack him again and he doesn’t even try to protect himself. He steps through the doorway and off to the side, leaving the entrance wide open.

“Relax.”

“What did you do?” I grab hold of his jacket and shake him. “Tell me!”

Chael refuses to look me in the eyes. Instead, he glances down at the picnic cloth, which still holds plates of abandoned food.

“It’s done.”

I scream. And not some high-pitched squawk. A deep mournful sound escapes my lips. The moment I’ve been working up to for six years is gone with two words. All the fight inside of me, the anger, the suffering, pulls against my brain, trying to focus and find meaning.

The worst part is I’m also relieved.

“I hate you,” I say to him. “You took everything from me.”

“I gave you life.”

“Fuck you!” I storm back over to the bed and pick up my jacket. I shove my arms into the sleeves, accidently kicking the cooler in the process. “That man took away my life. He made me what I am. All I had left in this world was revenge and you stole that too. You’re no better than him.”

“If you’d killed him, everything you know would end. There’s no coming back from that. You may think you’re tough and you’ve done a great job building up that safety bubble, but trust me, this would find a way to get inside of you.”

“I wasn’t planning to come back from it.”

“You are nothing but a selfish little girl,” Chael spits at me. “You say he took away your life? You’re still alive. He
killed
me. So boohoo. You had a crappy childhood? He destroyed mine. So go ahead and talk about how you’d rather be dead because at least you still get to make that decision. I would have given anything to be with you. To be a part of your life, the very one you want to end. You’ve got no one to blame for that. You could have lived all this time. But all you’ve done is focus on your hate and self-pity. All I did was die.”

I pause, coat sleeve only halfway up my arm. “That’s not fair.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t.” I stamp my feet, fully aware of how childish it is. “Look at you. You may have died but you came back. You don’t have any scars. You don’t have the addiction clawing away at your brain. So you missed a few years, big deal. You could go out tomorrow and get a job and anyone would hire you because there’s not a single trace of Heam on you.”

Chael doesn’t say a word. He stands there with his hands clenched into fists by his side. I march up to him and glare right into his eyes. He instantly looks away and moves over to let me pass. I shove by him and out into the hallway.

I don’t look back.

He had no right.

The revenge was mine. I worked hard for that. How could he turn around and take it?

The rain continues to fall and it doesn’t take long before my hair is wet and sticking to my scalp again. Who cares? There’s no one worth looking good for anymore.

I walk in no particular direction and after a while I find myself back at the bar where Rufus goes. Wait. Change that. Used to go.

It’s almost four in the morning and the place is closed. The neon sign is turned off and the windows are dark. Will anyone mourn Rufus tomorrow when they get the news? Will they toast with their beers in the air to honor his memory? Or will they never find out? People disappear all the time and are never found again. Maybe they’ll mourn the loss of sales. Rufus was quite the drinker.

I wonder where Chael killed him. Is his body hidden behind one of the thousands of Dumpsters in this city, or did he get more creative and dump him in the water? Maybe he’s folded neatly into one of the trunks of the abandoned cars that litter the streets. If I’m lucky, the rats will pick at his flesh until there’s nothing there but bones. He deserves that. I hope he’s in that elevator right now with the metal bars piercing his skin and the shadow demons sliding across his tongue and down his throat to tear apart his insides.

Even hell is too good for that man.

I stand under the streetlamp and look up as the raindrops splatter across my face. The light glows against the gray clouds. I wish they would go away so maybe I could see the stars. You almost never see them in this city and if you do, they’re pale and washed out. I once read that if you go out into the forest you can see millions of stars and if you stare at them long enough, they begin to dance. I’d like to see that one day.

I wish I could take back my words. Chael’s partly right. I am being selfish. But it’s my right. I wasn’t seeking revenge just for myself but for Chael too. He seems to think I’ve forgotten that he was once dead but I remember it every time I look in his face.

True love never dies, even if they come back.

I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve fantasized about killing Rufus over the years. The countless times I’ve plotted out the details in my mind or even scribbled in notebooks when I’m supposed to be paying attention in class. I’ve come up with some far-fetched ideas and others that seem like the perfect murder. I’ve thought of countless accidents and simple plots that require a single gunshot or knife to the throat.

But I’ve never thought beyond that. Not once.

Chael thinks I’m selfish and that I forgot about him but that’s not true. There’s a reason why I never replaced my nightstand and why I continued to trace Christian’s initials in the melted wax that covers the top.

Because my revenge was also his.

And now it’s gone.

Is it really so bad that Chael reclaimed it for his own?

I kick the lamppost once as hard as I can, ignoring the pain in my toes. I deserve this. I spin around to kick it again but something else catches my attention. Across the street, I can see someone walking toward me but it’s too dark to see their face.

If it’s Chael, I should probably apologize. Perhaps I’ve been looking at this from the wrong perspective. Instead of being selfish, I should be thankful that Chael did the job. Besides, there’s still Ming Bao and Phil Sabado. They’re not nearly as satisfying but I guess I can’t be choosy at this point.

I look up at the approaching figure, ready to open my mouth and call over to him. It’s got to be Chael.

He comes into the light.

My vocal cords freeze. My mouth remains wide open.

It’s not Chael.

It’s Rufus.

Rufus crosses the street and moves toward me. I can’t seem to do anything except stare at him. Is he a ghost? After everything I’ve seen, I can’t dismiss that idea without solid evidence.

Solid evidence? Ghost? Right.

The stupidity paralysis doesn’t break until he’s right on top of me. Grabbing hold of my jacket, he shoves me sideways and up against the wall. His arm presses down on my throat, pinning me to the brick. He brings his face in close and studies my face long and hard.

Then he pulls out the gun and holds it right between my eyes.

Fear. Icy, burning, confusing, leg-numbing terror crawls all over my skin like a thousand chewing insects. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I stare down the barrel of the gun.

“I don’t know you.”

My eyes flicker over in Rufus’s face. He’s got his face right up against mine. He presses harder against my windpipe and I start to see stars. The dancing type. But the second the edge of my world starts to darken, he eases off a bit and the air rushes back down my throat.

“I said I don’t know you.” Rufus turns his head to the side and then back, rubbing his cheek against his shoulder, and his eye starts twitching. His gin-blossomed nose is almost pressed against mine. I can smell the rank alcohol on his breath.

He continues to wait so finally I manage a little nod.

“So if I don’t know you, why the hell do you keep turning up like a bad penny?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I finally manage to get the words out. My throat burns from where he pressed against my windpipe and my voice is barely more than a whisper.

“I’ve been seeing you for some time now,” Rufus says. “You always standing here like some sort of whorish gutter rat. But you’re more than that, aren’t you? There’s a reason why you’re here. You look familiar. Have we met before?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Are you one of Trank’s girls?”

The terror keeps me from laughing. I’m far too old for Trank to be interested. The thought of him willingly touching me makes me shudder in repulsion. I shake my head as much as I can.

“You’re not a cop.” More of a statement than a question.

I cough twice. My throat feels like it’s been torn to shreds.

“But you’re someone. Why else would you be following me? At first I didn’t think much about it,” Rufus says, ignoring my pathetic coughs and splutters. He’s talking more to himself now, not even looking in my direction. The gun, however, moves until it’s planted against my jawbone. “But then some of my buddies have gone and got themselves killed. And I hear stories about how this young girl managed to beat the crap outta some of my boys the same night Trank gets himself broken up. So I’m trying to figure out who’s going after my men. And all of a sudden I remember you. Why is that?”

“No idea.”

“And then tonight another one of my men bites it and here you are.”

“Who?”

Chael lied to me. He killed someone but it wasn’t Rufus. Ming? Phil? I open my mouth to speak but Rufus shoves me against the wall again and my head cracks hard against the brick. He raises the gun until it’s right against my teeth.

This is it. I’ve failed my revenge. All that training and I’m useless. I can’t even raise my leg high enough to kick him. I should have done better. Gazer taught me to defend against everything. A gun isn’t any more threatening than a fist. So why did I freeze and why can’t I fight back?

Gazer was right. I’m not ready.

“I don’t like coincidences, girlie, and you’re turning out to be one, don’t you think?” Rufus smiles at me but there’s no light in his eyes. The weapon moves downward, tracing an invisible line along my neck and then back up to my forehead.

“I didn’t do anything,” I finally manage to say.

He holds the gun up for what seems like forever before finally pulling it back a few inches. Suddenly he releases his grip and I collapse to the ground before my legs manage to regain balance. I land in a deep puddle and cold water assaults my lower body. Rufus kicks me hard, right in the side, and pain shoots through me, reducing me to curling up into a ball and trying to bite back the tears as they threaten to fall.

I’m not tough at all. It’s all been an act. How could I not know this?

“Your face is familiar and I never forget a face,” Rufus says. “You were there the other night at the docks. Why?”

“I wasn’t there.”

“Don’t lie to me. I saw you outside the bar and then at the docks. You and that dorky kid with the glasses. I thought I shot him but I missed. You’re not as invisible as you think.”

“I’m not following you,” I gasp. “I swear.”

Rufus kicks me again. My right leg spasms in the wet puddle.

“Who are you?”

“No one.”

Another kick.

I raise my voice as high as I can. “No one!”

Wham.

Again.

I’m going to pass out. I can’t take this pain. It’s horrible. Even a Heam addiction is better than this.

I need Chael.

Bright lights turn the corner and start heading in our direction. A car. Maybe a cop? Can I ever hope to be that lucky?

Rufus’s gun quickly disappears into his jacket pocket. He kneels down on the ground and grabs me by the hair. Lifting up my face, he whispers right in my ear. “I’m going to figure it out. Then I’m coming for you. Don’t you forget it, bitch.”

He slams my head against the wall one last time and then disappears into the darkness. I lie there, half against the wall, stars swimming in my eyes and pain throbbing through every single muscle in my body. I watch the car as it moves past. It doesn’t slow, but continues on. The driver didn’t even see me.

Panicking, I struggle to my feet. I have no idea how far Rufus got. If he’s close enough to see the car go by, he might come back to finish the job.

I’ve got to get out of here.

My legs won’t work. They refuse to hold my weight. So I start to crawl on my hands and knees. I have to get away. My fingers are numb from the cold rain but I can’t stop.

I make it over fifty feet before my legs stop shaking. I don’t look back. If Rufus is coming after me, I don’t want to see. I push myself up on one knee and manage to get into a standing position.

It’s not until I’m several blocks away that I allow myself to cry out in pain before collapsing in a doorway. I stay there for half an hour, curled up against the wood, trying to keep quiet as the tears roll down my cheeks.

Finally, I force myself to get up and slink through the streets as quiet as a mouse to try to make it home before Gazer wakes up.

This is my own fault. There’s no one to blame but myself.

I wasn’t on my guard. The one thing Gazer keeps telling me is that I constantly have to be aware of my surroundings. I allowed my emotions to take control of my brain. I screwed up tonight, big-time. I’ve paid the price. My ribs feel like they’ve been through a meat grinder.

I won’t make that mistake again.

I wake up late, realizing instantly that Gazer hasn’t come in to check on me. Concerned, I listen to the church, waiting for a telltale sound that he might be puttering around in the kitchen or reading by the fireplace.

Nothing.

Did I screw up again? Maybe Rufus followed me home? No, I was careful. I checked every few minutes to make sure no one was behind me. Is it possible I was outsmarted again? What if he came while I was sleeping and did something to Gazer? What if Rufus killed him in revenge for what Chael and I’ve done to him?

This wasn’t part of the plan.

I roll out of bed, ignoring the stabbing pain in my stomach and rib cage as I force my muscles back into action. So sore.

It takes me a while to climb down the stairs. Partly because I’m trying to be quiet but also because my limbs are stiff and screaming at me with every step. I slip on the third step from the bottom and almost tumble the rest of the way. I manage to grab the banister at the last second, clamping my teeth down hard to keep from screaming.

So much for a graceful entrance.

“Faye?”

Gazer. I come around the corner and he’s by the fireplace, a cup of coffee in his hand, several books stacked on the table in front of him.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” My voice sounds like gravel and I swallow twice, trying to force the spit through the sandpaper that is my throat. I plop down in my chair, hoping the pain doesn’t show on my face. I should have looked in the mirror first.

“Thought you deserved a day off,” Gazer says without so much as glancing in my direction. “Obviously, I was right.”

Relief overpowers me. Gazer is safe. I’m safe for the moment. I’m sure even Chael is safe right now although he’s still in the doghouse as far as I’m concerned.

“How was your date last night?”

“It was good,” I lie. “Casual. We just went for coffee and talked a lot.” I decide to keep the date window open. I may be able to use it as an excuse in the future. Also, pretending I’m happy is easier than coming up with a story to cover the truth.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Gazer says. “Not that I worry, but I’m always here if you need to talk.”

I force myself to smile. “I know.”

“There’s still some coffee in the kitchen,” Gazer says. “We’re almost out. I’m heading to the store this afternoon so I’ll pick up some more. I’ve left a list on the counter so if there’s anything else you need, be sure to put it down.”

I stand, ignoring the wobbly knees and the stomach spasms. Coffee sounds perfect. Then a nice hot shower. I’ll be as good as new.

“Faye?”

I pause and look back at him. Gazer is staring right at my face.

“Are you sure there’s something you’re not telling me?”

I almost burst out laughing. Where would I begin? The list keeps growing every day. But I keep my face impassive and shake my head.

“Everything’s fine,” I say.

“Okay,” he says, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

When did I start lying to Gazer? I can’t remember. I once told him everything but that was back when things were simpler. Before Chael. Before Beth and Arnold Bozek and Paige LeBlanc. Way before I got thrown out of school for something I didn’t do and now the entire school is fighting to get me back and I can’t tell him about that either. He’d like that one. Gazer always says that one day people will start fighting for equality again. But fighting for me? I never saw that one coming.

Rufus knows me now. Okay, so I said that would be the biggest mistake I could ever make. How large of an error is it, though? It’s not like his face lit up in joy and he yelled out “Holy crap, you’re Faye!” He doesn’t remember the little girl and boy he left on the pavement all those years ago. Have I really been so arrogant to assume that he would? That he’d take one look at me and remember such an insignificant event?

It was the worst event of my entire life.

For him, it was just another day.

A few more gutter rats bite the dust.

Okay, Rufus, this is it. You know my face but you don’t know who I am. That’s fine. When the time is right, you will remember because I will tell you. But I’m not going to make the same mistake again. It was very stupid of me to be so vulnerable. I see that now. I’ve been harboring this crazy idea that I’ve been invincible because of all my hate. I got careless.

It won’t happen again.

My fingers trail along my stomach, wincing at the tender spots from Rufus’s boots. What was that nonsense he was spouting about never forgetting a face? If that were true, he would have remembered mine.

I look at my face in the bathroom mirror. Wiping the steam off the glass, I examine my eyes and cheekbones to make sure there are no bruises. Nothing. My stomach is purple and black and so is part of my rib cage.

I can deal with that.

I slide my fingers across my scars. The skin is soft and slightly tighter than on the rest of me. The red spiderweb veins thrust away from my heart and along my chest and across my shoulder. They’re not really ugly. It’s a pattern, actually, and not a horrible one. Why have I spent so much time hating them?

No more.

I am done pretending to be someone I’m not.

I will stand up and fight and I will win.

It’s time to take my revenge no matter what Chael and Gazer say. Afterward I will march myself straight to hell and accept whatever punishment the afterlife decides to dish out.