The Bodies We Wear (27 page)

“What happened?” Gazer asks.

“Rufus,” I say. “He had a needle. He stabbed Chael with Heam. I managed to chase him off. I didn’t kill him. I could have, but I didn’t.”

Gazer nods but I can tell he’s confused.

“Don’t you see?” I say. “I could have had my revenge but I didn’t. Even though he killed Chael a second time, I let it go. I took my power back. I didn’t want it anymore.”

“What do you mean he killed him a second time?” Gazer reaches up and puts his hand on my forehead. “How hard did you bang your head?”

“I’m fine,” I say. “I’m better than fine.”

My skin is pale and clear. The scars are still there but the tug from the addiction is gone.

Gazer is studying my face, still looking for signs of a concussion.

“One last gift,” I say. “I’m whole again.”

“I don’t understand,” Gazer says.

“Let me tell you about it,” I say. “Get comfortable. This is a long story . …”

In the end, we didn’t know what to do with the body. Gazer wanted to call the police but I talked him out of it. Arnold Bozek had been missing for a long time. There would be too many questions to answer. So we took him down to the park and placed his body gently on a park bench. Then we made an anonymous call and waited for the police to come get him.

A Heam addict in life, Arnold didn’t have much of a chance. He hurt the people around him and fell into an empty world that didn’t care. He’ll probably never know how he saved my life. His dying allowed Christian to return to me. I wish I could meet Arnold personally to thank him for everything. Maybe one day I’ll run into Jessica again and tell her the entire story. In return, I want her to tell me everything about Arnold. Who he was. What he did. I never want to forget him.

In the end, Arnold finally got to go home and his family got their closure.

Gazer listened to my story but I could tell he didn’t really believe me. Not fully. That’s okay, I still don’t quite understand it myself.

But I know and that’s all that matters.

Believe it or not, Paige managed to get me back into school. The signatures she collected and her father’s legal action were enough for them to bend and allow me back. They tried to impose the same rules as before, but it was a lost cause. Mr. Erikson decided to give up teaching. It was a good thing too. He’s since gone on to start an awareness group that will help Heam addicts finish high school.

Paige was there to make sure my last couple of months at school would be ones I remembered. For the first time in my life, I sat with girls my age at lunch and made friends. We went to movies and parties. We hung out. I even had a few boys ask me out, but I politely said no. It’s too soon for that.

Gazer cried when I walked onstage and received my diploma. And although she never stopped to talk, I saw my mother sitting in the back row with a smile on her face. A few weeks later I got a birthday card in the mail. Inside was a picture of Sophie wearing some brand-new clothes. She’s a beautiful little girl. We have the same eyes.

I haven’t gone back to visit Mom yet. But one day I will. And I’m pretty positive that next time she’ll invite me in.

A few months later, I started college. It was the very one that Chael took me to during our first date. I haven’t been back to see the butterfly room or smell the flowers but that’s okay. When I’m ready, I’ll go.

Paige is taking some courses with me. We study together and we go for coffee on a regular basis. We’re both so busy these days.

I’m studying addiction. With Ramona’s help, I’m planning to get into Heam counseling. I still volunteer on weekends. Paige joins me too when she’s not too busy with homework or exams. Beth may be gone but there are a lot of other girls who need my help.

I want to help.

Gazer is the same. Still reading his books and helping me train in the mornings. The nice part is we’ve lost the seriousness of everything. The desperation. That complete waste of revenge time. He’s still very much the father figure. I’m the one who’s a little less stupid. What can I say? It’s hard to see the light when you’ve got so much tunnel vision.

Speaking of light, Rufus won’t be seeing it anytime soon. Shortly after Chael’s death, Rufus was arrested for the suspicious death of Ming Bao. After his incarceration, a lot more charges suddenly came to light. I’d like to say he’s spending his days locked away in a maximum-security prison. But six months into his sentence, he was murdered. Stabbed in the back during a riot. Karma can be a real bitch in a delightful sort of way.

But life isn’t perfect. I won’t lie and pretend it is. I killed a man. Most nights, I can’t forget. Chael was right. That sort of thing changes a person. I got away with it. No one ever came looking for me. Sometimes I can still convince myself that Ming Bao deserved it.

Sometimes.

It’s a slow process. There is guilt in taking a life. Guilt and pain that sneak up in the middle of the night, whispering into my ear and reminding me that all killers go to hell. Who was I to judge?

The only thing I can do from here is move forward. I can’t forget; otherwise I’ll never heal.

Does the afterlife exist? Isn’t that the ultimate question? Heam exists because there are always going to be people looking for it. They want the answers so they’ll be less afraid of dying when their time comes. They are the ones who can’t handle not knowing. Life has been harder on them than others. Or perhaps it’s been too good?

Empty souls. Empty stomachs. Heam doesn’t discriminate between those who seek it in desperation and those who try it for fun. But it needs people like me to help them become whole again.

As for the afterlife?

My theory is that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Gazer can roll his eyes all he wants, but I know better. It’s like having the world’s biggest secret, only I can’t tell a single soul. No one would ever believe it.

But knowing the answer doesn’t make it any easier. The gates of paradise have been slammed shut in my face. For now.

I get lonely sometimes, and at night I’ll pull the pillow up against my back to pretend Chael’s lying there beside me. I try to remember every last detail. His long dark hair falling into his eyes. The sound of his voice. The way his breath felt against my skin. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I long for him the way I used to dream about silver liquid.

Addiction is a strange thing. Even with the physical cravings gone, the mental anguish lasts. I’m not sure it’ll ever leave me, though certain days are easier to deal with than others. I came across a couple of gutter rats not too long after, and seeing the Heam bottle still brought on a lot of nervous angst in my stomach. In a way, I’m thankful I can remember this. It’s important that I never forget. This way I’ll be able to be more successful in helping others.

The bodies we wear can only take so much damage. We wear them down and eventually they stop working. But I now know that who we are lives on, even without our bodies. And once in a blue moon, someone can find a way to come back and try to make everything right.

Sometimes when I’m lying in bed at night, I swear I can hear his voice calling to me across the distance. But not in pain. Never in pain.

Chael’s waiting for me. I wonder if it gets lonely on that beach all by himself.

And I’ll never stop missing him.

One day I’ll get there and find him.

But it won’t be soon. I’ve still got too much living left to do.

“Every blade has two edges; he who wounds with one wounds himself with the other.”

—Victor Hugo,
Les Misérables

“Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.”

—Sun Tzu,
The Art of War

“In this hour, I do not believe that any darkness will endure.”

—J. R. R. Tolkien,
The Return of the King

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.”

—Zelda Fitzgerald

“You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always think of you.”

—J. M. Barrie,
Peter Pan

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

—Dr. Seuss

1. “Save Me”
—Shinedown

Faye in the city

2. “The Ghost of You”
—My Chemical Romance

‘Christian

3
.
“Alone Together”
—Fall Out Boy

Faye and Chael

4. “The Point of No Return”
—Immortal Technique

Training for revenge

5. “Love Songs Drug Songs”
—X Ambassadors

Beth and Faye

6. “Hanging On”
—Active Child

Addiction

7. “Tourniquet”
—Evanescence

Heaven?

8. “Run to You”
—Pentatonix

Faye and Chael’s theme song

9. “It Can’t Rain All the Time”—
Jane Siberry

Theme