The Body Language Rules (17 page)

school you were placed with children of your own

age who nearly all lived locally . Often the financial

backgrounds of school kids will be relatively similar,

and the school experience means you are working

on the same tasks . Children are great body language

mimics and will often copy one another extensively,

creating strong rapport . Some school groups will dress

alike, talk alike, and move alike in a bid to make

their bonds even stronger . This pack identity is a big

factor in who we mix with and who we don't .

I Without regular face-to-face contact to maintain these visual

ties a friendship can weaken, especially if the similarities were

superficial to start with . Although text and email are

good ways of keeping in touch, always remember

you'll need constant "mimic" sessions, that is, face-

to-face meetings, to maintain strong bonds .

I If there has been a gap in this contact, use telephone conver-

sations to reboot vocal and verbal pattern ties rather than

sending photographs or video links . If your tie-signs have D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 225

diminished on these links, so will your rapport .

When you speak on the phone you at least have a

chance to use verbal mirroring to create empathy

and rapport . I never assume that your friends will all like one another . At

school you had groups or cliques, but your friends

as an adult will probably come from a mixture of

sources . They will look and seem similar to you, but

never forget how much you and they will have flexed

to create those friendships . What you might think is

just pure luck--that is, that you know so many people

with things in common--is actually the result of a

strong and complex social bonding process that will

have involved massive behavioral flexing that you

were possibly consciously unaware of . So friends that

you love might easily hate one another, or find they

have very little in common apart from you . One sign

of this is the way guests at weddings often run out of

conversation once they've asked one another: "How

do you know the bride and groom?" I It also helps to be consciously aware of the pecking order of

your friendships . Like every other relationship in your

life, there will be compatible behaviors that are

maintained to keep the peace . If you have a group

you socialize with frequently, it will be useful to

study the individual roles in that group and see if 226 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

they are flexible . Is there an alpha? Do some of you

adopt submissive or compliant roles or stances, and

if so is that comfortable or irritating?

I hierarchical groups mean peaceful groups in the animal

kingdom, although there can still be challenges for power or

control . The point about animals, though, is that they

seem to be very aware of who's in charge and what

their own role is in the hierarchy . Humans are often

less aware and this can destabilize friendship groups .

I Partnerships with the opposite sex can also threaten or desta-

bilize friendships, which is why friends often try to split relation-

ships up by joking about or ridiculing couples once they start to

sound serious . This is partly caused by a sense of loss

that can build almost to the point of mourning by

the time a couple tie the knot . Crying at weddings

isn't always about happiness .

I Be aware of the body language rituals involved when a friend

pairs off with a partner . By turning a subconscious

process of approval or rejection into a conscious

process, you could prevent a friendship breaking

up forever . Your friend's new partner is unlikely

to arrive on the scene with body language that is

compatible to your own . He or she might even have

made radical changes to your friend's body language

patterns, meaning he or she feels like a virtual

stranger . The common ritual is to try to see or create D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 227

a body language match with the newcomer so that

they have a chance of integration . Otherwise they

could be rejected . This initiation can even involve

unconscious flirting with him or her in an attempt

to change the body language approach . Many

friendships split up because one friend appears to

be flirting with another's partner . Although this

needn't be innocent it is, ironically, often prompted

by a strong desire for pack acceptance . I Be constantly aware of your friendship mirroring as it really

is the ties that bind . Change is a constant factor in all

our lives and change can often strengthen friend-

ships, but only if the core similarities are in place .

Discover these core values in all your friendships

and work to maintain them .

key PoinTs:

� Although you might cherish the need to be yourself at home and

with your family, always remember that "self" is still multifaceted

and you should never place your own needs above everyone else's .

� It's important and still possible to create complementary transactions

with your family . even though behavior patterns have been in place

for many years, you can still change your own behaviors to get a

more effective response or result .

� Use body language tricks like active listening signals and postural

echo to create a good impression at social events .

B ody lA ngu Age

Bus iness And T

his section of the book is all about workplace skills

that are relevant to any career . Jobs tend to divide into two key sets of competencies: your ability to do tasks and your ability to communicate, motivate, impress, sell, influence, and even entertain . Body language is a vital component of this last list of qualities .

geTT ing on

BoARd

The skills of ReCRuiTmenT And inTeRviews

A

job interview is one of the most important body

language performance moments in your life . Unless you're a professional poker player I seriously doubt there will ever be so much money hanging on so brief an encounter .

The very worst advice you will ever be given about interviews is this: "Just be yourself ."

Anyone who says this to you is wrong, wrong, wrong . Job interviews are formal and false and chock-full of rituals . You'll have to get gussied up and sit alone in a chair in a smallish room being questioned by a group of people you've never seen before in your life . Therefore there is no "yourself" in this particular scenario .

What you will need to do is to look like the person they are looking for . How many companies do you think are actively scouring the land for you as you really are? This isn't Prince Charming clutching a glass slipper, it's a company wanting to recruit someone who will make 232 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

a difference to their profits or output . "Just be yourself" means no planning, no rehearsing, and no real effort . Now as much as I hate clich�s, I'm duty-bound to throw a couple in your direction right now, which you should keep in mind when getting ready for a job interview: "No pain, no gain" and "To fail to prepare is to prepare to fail ."

I'm not asking you to change everything about yourself, but a bit of polishing, buffing, and tweaking never harmed anyone's chances .

Ten ThIngS yOU neeD TO knOW ABOUT APPLyIng FOR A JOB

1 . The recruiters could have hired you from your

resum� and qualifications alone . The fact that

they didn't means they intend to judge you by

appearance and performance at your interview .

Your first impression could be vital .

2 . They're looking to see if you appear "normal ." So

keep those polka-dot socks for another day .

3 . They're looking to judge your personality . If you

get the job you'll need to fit in with the existing

team .

4 . They're looking to see how you might handle

workplace scenarios . Expect a little role-play or

hypothetical questions .

5 . They could be just as nervous as you are .

6 . They're on the same side as you--they want you ge TTI n g O n BO ARD 233

to be fabulous . Recruitment interviews are costly,

time-expensive, and reasonably dull . They're

desperate for you to press all their buttons and

tick all their boxes . Assume they will begin by

liking you and that this liking will continue until

you prove them wrong . 7 . You could be "on view" before you even reach the

premises . Without wishing to get too Big Brother

on you, remember things like security cameras . 8 . Your key moments will be your entrance and your

exit . Both will create the most lasting impressions . 9 . The more interviews you do, the better you should

get . Only your emotional response will mess up

your chances . If you start to get unmotivated

(albeit quite naturally) and discover a talent for

self-loathing, the chances are this will show in

your body language signals . Instead, use each

interview as experience . Like driving a car, the

more you do it the better you will get . 10 . An interview is your chance to shine, but it's

not your chance to hog the limelight . You have

two ears, a brain, and one mouth . Use them in

roughly that proportion . Listen--think--talk .

Listen--think--talk . Listen--think--talk . Your

interviewers will be keen to discover your capacity

for learning, understanding, and taking instructions . 234 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

There are very few interviews where the objective is

to book someone with verbal diarrhea . And listen

to the question . I've been in the situation where

the interviewer asks one question and--because the

interviewee has failed to listen--the interviewee

answers something else . You'd be amazed how often

this happens .

PLAnnIng STAgeS I know this is a book about body language, but if you don't plan your answers to some of the killer questions you might get asked, your body language signals are extremely likely to suffer as a result .

You will never be able to guess all their questions with any huge degree of accuracy, but it's a bit of a no-brainer to assume there will be some about your past experience, your values, your interests, and your desire for and commitment to the job being offered .

If you're inexperienced you'll need to talk about any relevant experiences like part-time work, work experience, or even hobbies and interests .

If you are experienced, expect to discuss all the jobs you've done in the past and reasons for leaving your present or last job .

Modesty is a pretty useless value to bring to the interview but so is arrogance . You need to get the balance right, and ge TTI n g O n BO ARD 235

to do that you need to be able to show the interviewers that you are the best person for the job .

PROVIng yOURSeLF An increasing number of companies will give applicants a trial run for a couple of weeks to see how they do . This technique tends to be limited to fast-learn jobs like caf� or shop work where talent, or lack of it, will emerge quite quickly . Unfortunately, the same will hardly apply to jobs like accountancy or marketing where there is a much slower buildup of basic skills . So how can you prove to the inter- viewer that you have what it takes? The answer is that you will stand a much better chance of getting the job if you're the living, breathing epitome of all the skills required . Which takes us back to one of the core messages of this book:

show, don'T Tell!

You can list all your dazzling skills like honesty, team leadership, communications, and management, but if you don't display you don't get the pay . There are two ways to display your talents:

1 . Back up all your claims with hard proof .

2 . Look and act the part .

You will, of course, need to do both . 236 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I When you tell your interviewer you have leadership and/or

management skills, follow your claim up by telling them when

and how you have used them .

I When you tell them you're keen to be employed by their

company, prove your point by displaying knowledge of them

and their products or services .

I When you say you have people skills, show them by using them

on the interviewers .

It's amazing how many applicants miss this one very simple trick . They will happily turn up late for the interview then claim they're 100 percent reliable . They'll answer questions in monosyllables but then claim they could charm the birds from the trees in terms of selling . They boast about their presentation skills but struggle over simple introductions . Take proof of all your claims . Be ready to cite examples and give evidence .

Plan your physical choreography . First impres- sions--your blink factor--will count during an interview like never before .

SeT yOUR gOALS It's no good just performing "better body language ." Without setting out some image targets, you'll be floun- dering rather than directive . If you've read an ad for the job, re-read it to discover clues about the type of person ge TTI n g O n BO ARD 237

they're looking for . Are there any descriptive terms like "ambitious," "friendly," "organized," "capable," or "outgoing"? If so, you already have a good part of your image map made out for you . If you've been sent by an agency then do remember to ask what was said when the job came on to their books . Why have you been sent? What qualities did the client ask for?

Once you're prepared to align yourself with the speci- fications you should then decide what else you'll be bringing to the table . What personal qualities do you feel you should be advertising? Set yourself a list then create a profile from that list . For instance you might have:

fRom The JoB sPeC

I hard-working

I Friendly

I Outgoing

fRom youR own lisT

I Intelligent

I Fast-learning

I Diligent

Keep personal qualities like "sense of humor" in reserve; see how the interview pans out before you try something like this on the interviewers . 238 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

All these qualities should be displayed visually as well as verbally . Once you have created your image map, try to think a little like an actor getting into a role . Compare reality with your "ideal ." For instance, are you really shy or anxious about the interview but want to look outgoing and confident? Or are you really outgoing but with a tendency to go quiet on first meetings?

This is the moment for some reflection on what's called image discrepancy, the difference between how you really are or how you think you could be, and how you currently come across to other people . Interviewers are busy people . If a quality doesn't jump out and bite them, they'll usually assume you don't have it .

LIkeABILITy What makes someone likeable at interview stage? Likeability is random, but there are some patterns that you can use for your benefit .

1 . We tend to like people who are like us . Therefore, your

mirroring techniques will be vital . Be alert

throughout the interview, too . The interviewers'

body language or communication might change .

They could relax or become more friendly and

chatty . These are called cues . You should take them

as an invitation to follow suit, although "follow" is

the operative word . Never take the lead, as it's not ge TTI n g O n BO ARD 239

your role to change the mood of the meeting by

taking control .

2 . gestures that are directed out toward your audience will make

them like you more . These are inclusive gestures,

rather than exclusive . People have the same

liking for animated facial expressions, especially if

they include similar inclusive tie-signs that speak

directly to an audience .

3 . People like people who talk their own language . If you can

pick up on any of their terms or jargon they'll tend

to find it easier to like you .

Here's the list of inclusive as opposed to exclusive gestures .

inClusive gesTuRes

I catching someone's eye then smiling

I Smiling when they speak or make a joke

I Leaning forward

I nodding

I Using hands held out in the empty embrace--that is, held out

slightly toward the audience, raised to waist height, held apart

with palms facing

I Open gestures with palms showing

I Legs crossed toward your audience 240 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

exClusive gesTuRes

I Looking down

I closing your eyes in a long blink

I Smiling to yourself

I Poker face--no expression

I Folded arms and crossed legs

I Legs crossed away from your audience

I Appearing self-absorbed via fiddling, self-grooming, or studying

your nails

I Looking down while shaking your head

I chewing

I Tapping

I Leaning back in your chair

Rehearse the inclusive gestures before the interview so that they appear natural . And be aware of the exclusive gestures you do and try to break yourself of the habits . Here are some more body language pointers that will help you land that dream job .

PhysiCAl PRePARATion

I get an early night . If you're too nervous to sleep, make

yourself lie still with your eyes shut .

I exercise for a couple of days before the interview . Nothing

too strenuous, just enough to make you look

energetic and vigorous . ge TTI n g O n BO ARD 241

I On the morning of your interview get up at least half an hour

earlier than you think you should . Drink orange juice,

only eat light foods, and don't smoke . The smell of

greasy or cooked foods and cigarettes shouldn't be

hanging on you when you walk in . I Use only very light cologne or perfume . No one likes an

employee who smells like a skunk . Everyone has

different tastes and your loving of Eau de Musk

might not be shared universally . I Do use an antiperspirant deodorant . I your hair should look freshly washed and neat . If it's long, tie

it back or it could fall over your face if you get shy . I Always be freshly shaved . No stubble . Beards are

hugely controversial, too . Sport one at your

peril unless you're applying for a job at a ZZ Top

convention . I Turn up at least ten minutes before the interview time, longer if

it's with a big company with a complex security system . I If possible, hang around near the company before your interview

to find out what employees are wearing and dress slightly more

formally than they do . I go online to find out everything you can about the company

and its products . Never assume you know a company

just because you see its name often--big brand

names often have subsidiaries that make totally

different products . 242 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I During your wait at reception always act as though you're in

the actual interview . Sit well and be polite . If possible

thumb through company magazines that are often

left on reception tables .

I If there are other applicants waiting, don't sit discouraging

yourself by trying to work out who looks better than you

do . Take a copy of The New York Times, folded to

the crossword . Pretend to fill it in and pretend to

time yourself when you pretend to finish . It always

psychs out the opposition .

I If possible, go to the restroom when you arrive to check your