The Bond That Built Us (24 page)

“Oh, my God, Aubrey, you don’t get it at all!” He throws his hands up in the air and slumps down in the couch. “This is bullshit.”

“Quit being like that, why don’t you just-“ I stop yelling when I hear Liz clear her throat. I completely forgot she was in the room with us, and judging by the look on Kellan’s face, he did as well. I’m sure we both were hoping to keep our new
active
relationship a secret.

“
Okay,” Liz smiles awkwardly. “Why don’t we just take some deep breaths before we get back into this, alright?” She gives us a minute to calm down. “Aubrey, do you not like the way your relationship with Kellan is going?”

“No, it’s not that. I like it the way it is now.”

“So, you are fine being just friends?” I can see where this is going and I want her to stay the hell out of it.

“Yes. At first I wasn’t but now I understand that going further will only add more stress.”

“You don’t know that,” Liz adds.

“It’s possible. And what if we start to hate each other?”

“I don’t think that will be the case,” she smiles.

“But you don’t know! Nobody knows. And I’m worried that the reason we are so close is because of the shit we went through together. You told us before that people that suffer tragedy together tend to get close,
what if everything we went through becomes a part of the past and we lose our connection?”

“Kellan, what do you think?” Liz turns in her chair and it squeaks a little.
I hate her. I wish she would just stay out of it. She is a PTSD specialist, not fucking Dear Abby. She’s only going to make it more complicated. Which our relationship is already one big clusterfuck, adding more to it would just be ridiculous.

“I will always be connected to her, no matter how she feels
or what she thinks,” he says somberly. He pivots so he is completely facing me. He looks pissed. “You really just want to be friends? You are so confusing… you do realize we act like a couple, right?
Everything
we do is what boyfriends and girlfriends do. You say you want one thing but you act entirely different!”

“So do you!
Why don’t you just make up your mind?”

“I have and I don’t want to be friends.
” He is still looking at me like he’s super angry at me.

“Well, by the look on your face it sure doesn’t seem like it.”

He throws his hands up in defeat. “I’m frustrated. You don’t understand how much of a roller coaster this is! It isn’t healthy and even though I’m pissed right now, it isn’t necessarily at you. It’s at how you’re acting.”

“That’s a load of crap, Kellan! I’m not acting any different than you are. We are
both
roller coasters and you know it. You just want to be with me right now because of our new side activity.”

“No,
I want to be with you because I love you!”

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. My heart jumps out of my chest and falls to my feet where it lays there and
struggles to beat. He loves me? There is no way. We haven’t… we aren’t… we don’t… shit, I’m so confused. I feel the intense heat leave my cheeks and suddenly I’m very cold. I don’t hear what Liz is saying to me but I’m sure it’s along the lines of ‘breathe’ and ‘don’t panic.’ I need to leave. I bolt out of the room, fleeing the scene. I need to leave. I can’t be in there anymore.

22

Kellan

I race after Aubrey even though I know she needs time. I dropped a bomb on he
r. I knew that one of two conclusions would come out of me telling her. One- she freaks out in a good way and returns my sentiment. Two- what just happened. I was clearly hoping for option one.

I catch up to her on the sidewalk and grab her arm. Her cell phone that was in her hand flies out and skids across the sidewalk.

“Dammit, Kellan!” She refuses to turn and look at me. I spin her around and grab her chin so she is forced to look at me. “Let me go, I can’t… I can’t do this.”

“I’m sorry I did that in there. It wasn’t the time or place.”
I really should have waited, but it just came out. Our emotions were so built up that I knew things would be said that shouldn’t. Fuck therapy, it does crazy shit to people. My grip on her chin lessens slightly but my arm goes around her waist to prevent her from bolting.

“Kel, I don’t know what to
say.” I gulp loudly. She called me Kel. This isn’t good.

“You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t expect you to; I didn’t even really want to say it.” I laugh
though nothing about this is funny.

She flinches back a little. “Then why did you say it if you didn’t mean it? I thought we discussed this.”

“Aubrey, I mean it. I do. But I was hoping to wait and say it to you when we were both ready. Clearly, you weren’t.” I realize I am rubbing my hand up and down her back, and she isn’t pushing me away. I take that as a good sign. Maybe I can talk my way into keeping her here with me.

“But, we aren’t dating or anything. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Think about it. We’ve been inseparable since we came back. Even though we don’t have titles or anything, I take our relationship very seriously. I haven’t wanted to touch a girl since we came back. That means something, doesn’t it?”

“I guess. And I haven’t wanted anyone else, either. But-“

“No, no buts. We are great together, you know that, right? You feel it, too. It has nothing to do with the accident, or MJ, or anyone else but
us
. I haven’t felt so…
right
with anyone else but you. It’s got to mean something.” Jesus, we were having this conversation in the fucking street, with people walking around us and everything. I watch as a young woman basically eye fucks me as she passes. She smirks and licks her lips seductively. I want to tell her to fuck off but I keep my attention on Aubrey, where it belongs.

“I… I know…
but
,” she says forcefully, “all those other things you left out of the equation are a part of it, and they can’t be left out. They just can’t, Kel.”

“Don’t. Don’t call me that,” I say painfully. “Please.”

“Sorry,” she whispers. I can see the tears beginning to swell up in her eyes and I take advantage like the selfish prick that I am.

“Aubrey,” I say her name with all the passion I have for her. I grab her cheeks in my hands and lean in to her face so I’m so close to her. All she has to do is rise on her toes and we’ll be kissing. “I can’t stand the thought of losing you. I can’t. If you want me to take it back then I will. I will do whatever you need from me.”

“I don’t want you to take it back.”

Hope surges through my chest. “Okay,” I breathe. “I understand if you don’t love me back. I know it’s crazy to think that, but if you want to be with me and see where this goes, stay. Stay with me.”

The next few seconds are the longest seconds ever recorded. So many different emotions run through me in this time that I am pretty sure I am going to hyperventilate and collapse here on the sidewalk. I stare at her, willing her to stay. That’s all I am asking of her.

She seems to be contemplating it. I can see her hesitate and I don’t know if that is good or bad.
Her chin quivers slightly and I see the fear in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she says so lightly I can barely hear her.

“No. Please, no. Don’t leave me. We need each other.”
I’m becoming desperate. I never ever thought I’d be
that
guy, and now I know why I waited this long to feel like this. It fucking sucks.

She closes her eyes and tears trail down her cheeks and hit my hands
, soaking through. She lightly touches her fingertips to my hands and pulls them off of her cheeks. She lets out a breath and opens her eyes.

“I have to go. I can’t.” My arms drop to my sides and I watch her walk a few steps backward and she picks up her phone. She begins to disappear down the street but I know how far her house is from here. I run after her. Again, for the second time today.

“Let me drive you home. You can’t walk that far,” I say as I stride up beside her. If I can’t be with her, I can sure be there for her.

“You have to be at the field soon. You might already be late.”

“I don’t care. You are more important than some stupid baseball game. Just let me take you home.” I start to grab her hand but hesitate and drop mine. I need to remember that I can’t do that kind of stuff anymore, now when she’s acting like this. One false move and she runs. For good. I still have time, I can tell. The way she hesitates at everything, I know she is torn. She isn’t one hundred percent on leaving me yet.

She stops and finally says, “Okay.”

We climb into my car and I’m stunned how different the drive there was to this one. We ride in silence the whole way. When I roll up to her house I set the car in park and look over to her. She has her seatbelt already unbuckled and her grip on the door handle.

“Aubrey, listen. I don’t want us to stop seeing each other. I like spending time with you. I don’t want to stop just because of my big mouth.” I dare my hand to grab hers and when it accepts the dare and she doesn’t resist, I feel it all the way to my core.

“I just need to think. I like being with you too but maybe we are spending way too much time together. We need space, don’t you think?”

“No,” I say bluntly.

“We do, Kel. It’s not healthy.” She starts to pull away but I grip her hand tighter and pull her close to me. We are both leaning over the console and I caress her hair, letting my fingers slide through the strands. “Don’t…”

I kiss her before she can finish telling me no. She kisses me back but it’s different
than any of our others. It has a sort of finality to it and I know this is her saying goodbye. I know that I should stop but if this is the last time I get to kiss her for a while, or ever, I’m going to take advantage. Unfortunately for me, she breaks it off before I’m satisfied.

“Goodbye, Kellan,” she whispers and slides out of the seat and shuts the door that now separates us. I wait to drive off until I see her enter her house. I drive to the field, twenty minutes late. I grab my bag out of the back seat and run into the locker room to change.

It’s obvious to the guys that I’m… depressed. They said as much. One brings up Aubrey and I get defensive and snap at him.

“Woah, a little touchy are we?” Garrison smirks. He has always been the shit starter of the team. I’ve never been on the other side of it, just on the sidelines, until now. “How
is
Aubrey doing? Still a little firecracker? I’ve had some wicked dreams about her-“

I grab him by his shirt and shove him against the lockers before he can finish his sentence.
That seals my fate. They know my mood is about her now. Most of them drop it, not wanting to get involved in girl drama, but a few throw a few more digs at me. Corey glares at me from across the room and I want to rush over there and punch him in the fucking nose. What did he do to get her? And why did he fuck it up and let her think he cheated? If I were him I wouldn’t let her go. But really, what am I doing now? She has a sick belief that us being together will ruin everything, but she’s willing to cut ties with me to save us? She makes no sense. Should I let her be and risk losing her or should I fight for her like Corey should have? Which would win her back? Too many damn questions with no answers.

I end up being so distracted I strike out twice and my third time at bat I fly out to center, the ball soaring straight to the outfielder. We lose two to one because I let the ball roll right past me in the seventh inning, effectively driving in the guy on second.
I know I’m going to get ripped a new asshole by Coach because of that one.

I endure said ass-ripping and take a quick shower, then call Aubrey when I get into my car. I hope she lets me come over, even if it is just to sleep. I haven’t slept in my own bed in months. It will be awkward to say the least.

Her voicemail picks up and I growl before hitting the end button and throwing my phone onto the passenger seat. I drive to my apartment and sit in my car for a few minutes, wondering if maybe she was in the shower or something and couldn’t answer. After ten minutes, I know this isn’t the case. She isn’t answering on purpose.

I schlep up the stairs and fiddle with my keys. I swing the door open and flip on the light only to see Josh and MJ going at it on the couch.

“Fuck!” I yell and slap my hand over my eyes and turn toward the wall. I hear MJ squeal and run down the hall into the bathroom. The door shuts hard behind her and she is fuming in the small space, huffing and puffing about something.

Josh just chuckles and says, “In the clear now, Kel.” I slowly turn to see Josh still on the couch with a blanket over his lower half.
I cringe and shiver a little and storm into my room. I can hear MJ whisper-shouting at Josh and it makes me laugh a little when she says the reason she is upset is because the position they were in makes her look like a fat cow.

But seeing them together makes me think of Aubrey.

I sink into my bed and the cold sheets feel foreign and unwelcoming. This bed used to be where I would crash every night, bring girls back, and take small naps between finals. Now it’s just a bed. I snatch out my phone from my pocket and stare at the screen. Aubrey still hasn’t called back. I send her a text just in case.