The Bond That Built Us (21 page)

Aubrey falls asleep before the credits roll. I mute the TV and watch her for a while longer. She looks peaceful though I know better. When she didn’t call me while I was gone, I was upset. I want to take care of her. I want her to need me. I wonder if she called someone else or just rode through it herself. Her eyes suddenly shoot open and a small gasp escapes her lips.

“You okay?” I ask her.

She nods and lifts up off of the couch and rubs her eyes. “What time is it?”

I squint across the room and look at the clock on the DVR. “Just after midnight.” I have class in the morning and practice in the evenings, then the weekend off. Josh has been bugging me to go to the gym with him so I can watch him train and I’ve been putting it off. He has about a month left until his competition and he’s been tanning. I’ve been giving him shit about it, but he looks pretty good.

“Okay, I’m going to bed,” Aubrey yawns and stretches, her shirt riding up just enough for me to see her stomach. “What?” When I look up at her face, she is blushing slightly. She caught me checking her out and it embarrasses her.

I give her a wide grin and kiss her cheek. “Let’s go to sleep.”

19

Aubrey

Carlos grabs me by the wrists and licks my neck, leaving beer smelling spit on my skin. He nibbles my earlobe and groans in my ear when he brushes his lower half to mine. He has me pinned against the wall and my pants have been ripped off. They lie at my feet, in shreds.

Andres is in the corner watching as his friend gropes me thoroughly. He reaches his hand into the bowl and throws a few popcorn pieces into his mouth. It’s a fucking show for him and bile rises in my throat.

And like magic, my body freezes and I have no control over it. My arms stay up above my head and my legs slowly drift apart. I am squirming on the inside but on the outside I seem like I want it. Carlos runs his filthy paws down my front and lifts my shirt up and over, to drop it next to my torn pants. Next my bra and underwear goes and I am completely naked before these two men.

My feet start to walk toward the cot and though I am screaming inside, my body lies down and readily receives Carlos’. He thrusts inside me and the pain is unbearable. He makes sure that he leaves satisfied, and when I think I’m finally done being tortured, Andres replaces Carlos.

They take their turns on me repeatedly and I am stuck in a body I have no power over. I am alone, trapped in my shell, all while the men take what they want of my body. Andres pulls out and smacks me across the face.

“We own you, Aubrey. This,” he snarls and touches parts of my body, “is ours.”

I jerk forward in bed, sweat covering every inch of my body and my t-shirt soaked. Kellan is beside me with his hand on my arm, trying to comfort me. It’s the same damn dream over and over again. Sometimes Kellan is there, sometimes Andres is first,
sometimes it takes place here in my home, and sometimes I can fight back only to be tortured more. There is no better nightmare, they are all equally horrifying.

“Come here,” Kellan whispers. I crawl onto his lap and he lightly brushes his fingers up and down my back, while whispering things in my ear. “It’s okay, baby, I’m here. It’s just me and you.” I see the faint streaks of light out my window so I know it’s near dawn.

My body is shaking and pulsing and I grit my teeth in anger. I hate Carlos and Andres. They can’t own me like that. I won’t let them. I need someone else to take that part of me away from them. I lean back and look at Kellan. I need him to be that person.

I crash into him, kissing him hard. At first he is astounded, but when he realizes what is goin
g on, he responds. His boxers and my t-shirt and underwear are all that separate us. I rip off my shirt and toss it to the side and connect with him once again.

“What are you doing?” Kellan asks against my lips. I don’t respond. He knows what I’m doing. He asks again, only this time he pulls me away.

“Please, Kellan.” He looks torn. I can tell, and feel, that he wants this also, but his conscience is getting the better of him. “I need you,” I whisper.

He flips me onto my back and kisses me thoroughly. I grab at his boxers and tug them down and he helps me to get them off the rest of the way. I begin to rip my panties off but he places his hand over mine and stills me. His lips and tongue trail down my neck, over my breasts, down to my stomach.

His finger slowly lowers my underwear and I have to repeat Kellan’s name in my head so I know it is him and not Carlos or Andres. I lift my head and look down at him while he works his mouth down my thigh, pulling my lace panties with him.

When he hovers over me again, this time with nothing between us, I fight with everything I have to follow through with it. If I make him stop this time, I’m sure he will leave me.

“Are you sure, Aubrey?” Kellan asks, holding himself up on his elbows. I nod because I know my voice doesn’t work. “Tell me what you want.”

I clear my throat and whisper, “I want you inside me.”

With my words his breath shallows and his muscles twitch. He leans down and kisses me softly and slowly enters me. I gasp and begin analyzing the differences between Kellan and the other two men. Kellan’s touches are tender and loving but still have power behind them. Carlos and Andres touched me to dominate me, and without my permission. I force myself to concentrate on the different parts of this experience so I can try to enjoy myself.

Kellan continues to drive inside me as he affectionately kisses my face, neck and shoulders. I am acutely aware he isn’t wearing a condom and truthfully I don’t care. He has seen me take my birth control pill every night before bed, so I wonder if that is why he didn’t put one on. Or maybe he was just caught up in the moment. Don’t know, don’t care.
I need this, need him to take back what Carlos and Andres stole.

He kisses my lips and stares into my eyes. Every time I blink, his face changes to Carlos’, then Andres’, then back to his. The panic begins to inflate in my chest and I cling to him. I bury my face into his neck and dig my nails into his back
with my eyes tightly clasped shut. I feel the tears swell in my eyes and quickly drop. If I can get through this, they won’t own me anymore. Not this way.

“Aubrey, baby, look at me,” Kellan says. I begrudgingly let go of my death grip on him and look at him. He sees the tears pouring from my eyes and my jaw clenched and he stops his movements
before I clutch at his skin some more, needing him to touch me everywhere they did to erase their touch. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“

“No! Don’
t stop. I need this, please.” He lowers his head to my chest to think. He is still inside me and I clench my muscles and rotate my hips a little, causing him to moan. “Please, Kellan.”

His resolve vanishes and he begins again. Maybe because the deed has essentially already been done, what is the point in stopping in the middle, right? That would have been my reasoning if he refused again.

I don’t speak again, I let him work in and out of me and when I feel him start to get close, I push images of Carlos and Andres aside and focus on Kellan. He starts to come inside me but realizes we don’t have protection. “Shit,” he curses and pulls out of me, making a mess in the process. He is breathing heavily and his forehead is rested between my breasts, his arms holding his body up at each of my sides.

He cranes his neck up to look at me. “I’m sorry.” About what? Letting it happen? Coming inside of me? Making a mess
all over me and my sheets? All of the above?

“Don’t be.” I want to say it was perfect, but it wasn’t. Well, everything Kellan did was great, but my head wasn’t in it. I hoped once it began, all thoughts of what happened in Mexico would fade away and only Kellan would be left.

I am a horrible person. I just tainted the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Having sex with Kellan was supposed to be special but I ruined it by thinking that it could heal me when I wasn’t ready. I want to curl up and die at this realization. I rushed this amazing thing and now he won’t ever want to do it again with me. He will move on and leave me crushed, damaged, and used. I hope he doesn’t, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that would quit when things get hard. But maybe I don’t know him as much as I think.

I watch as Kellan grabs a towel and cleans me up. I want to ask him if he intends on telling Liz about this or if it will be our little secret. But I don’t want to bring it up, because I’m afraid if I tell him the real reason I was crying, he’d never want to do it again. So I stay quiet.

I have nobody to talk to about it. I have no girlfriends, and I’m certainly not talking to my mother about it. But I need to tell somebody.
I’ve been freaking about it for the last few days. I don’t have an appointment with Liz until Tuesday, which is another five days away. I fidget in the seat of my car and stare at the house before me. I backed out about three times on the way here, but when I pulled onto my street I ended up passing my house and turning back around to come here.

I step out and look around the parking lot. There are about ten Volkswagen Beetles in the lot, all with flowers in the vases and personalized license plates. I see MJ’s car at the end of the row and sigh in relief, though that isn’t a true indication that she is here. I walk around the house to the front door and
knock. The huge brick building before me is daunting. I don’t know any of these girls, but I’m going to try and enter their precious home.

I hear laughter on the other side and the wide door swings open.
Two girls smile at me, and for a moment I think they are twins. They both have long straight brown hair and brown eyes. They are the same height and same weight.

“Hi! Can we help you?” Girl on the right asks.

“Oh, um, I’m here to see MJ, if she is here.” I toy with the strap of my purse and smile nervously at them.

“Yeah, she’s here. We just saw her in her room. Come on in, I’m Heather and this is Lorena,” she says nicely and looks at me expectantly.

“Oh, I’m AJ, her cousin.” Lorena’s eyes widen and her mouth morphs into a perfect O.

Heather keeps smiling but I can tell she is uncomfortable now. They lead me up the stairs and down a long hallway into a bright yellow room on the right. I see MJ sitting at her computer on the desk pushed against the wall and her roommate lounging on her bed. There are photographs taped everywhere and a huge pink shag rug in the center of the room.

Lorena clears her throat loudly and MJ looks up. “Oh my God, AJ!” She stands quickly and her chair shoots back and snags on the rug, tipping over. “What are you doing here?”

“
I came to talk to you, but, I should have just called, I’m sorry,” I turn to leave the room but Heather and Lorena are still there.

“No, please stay. I want to talk to you, too.” She gives her roommate a pointed look and the girl rolls her eyes but gets up and leaves the room with Heather and Lorena. MJ picks up the chair and scoots it to me, gesturing for me to sit. So I do.

“First, I want to apologize. I am so sorry that you went through that. It’s partially my fault; I shouldn’t have dragged you on that trip. I should have known you wouldn’t have been able to handle it.”

“What?” Seriously, what?

“I mean, it was just too much stress on you, and with Cara there, it seemed like you were one margarita away from blowing up.” Is she being serious? She’s being fucking serious.

“Oh, my God, MJ. Really? You think that me getting kidnapped and raped and beaten was because I couldn’t handle your slut of a friend on a weeklong trip? That’s absurd.” I cross my arms over my chest and snarl at her.

“Listen, AJ. I know what happened. Cara told me everything. I saw you and Kel on the news and in the papers. I know.”

“
So? Who gives a shit about what Cara said, or what the reporters put in their stories! I am your cousin and you are apologizing to me because you think I’m some kind of fragile lunatic. Fuck you, MJ!”

“Hey!” She shouts back, clearly offended at my attack. “I tried to talk to you for almost two months after you got back, but you haven’t been returning my calls or anything. You can’t blame me for
not knowing what you went through. You won’t talk to me! I miss you,” She adds softly.

“No, you don’t. You miss be
ing able to control me and use me.” I can’t believe I am standing up for myself. Kellan must have really done wonders on me because I know I wouldn’t have been doing this if it weren’t for him.

“What the hell are you talking about? I don’t use you!”

“Let’s see, in the last four years, I’ve done your homework, cleaned out your car, lied to your mom and dad to get you out of trouble, stalked a boy so you could see if he was date-worthy or not…” I say as I count each one on my fingers, “Should I go on?”

“AJ, I really didn’t realize what I was doing. I mean, it was mostly Cara and I just went along with it. I’m sorry, I really didn’t know how bad she was to you, until the trip.”

“Are you still friends?” I glare at her and stand up.

She stares up at me with a dumbfounded look on her face. “Huh?”

“Are. You. Still. Friends?” I reiterate, punctuating each word.