THE BONDAGE OF LOVE (33 page)

"But I wasn't married to her long before I knew her value. I also knew if I had got the other one, I couldn't have put up with her five minutes.

By that time, she was already leading the other fella a life of it. He was working time and a half to keep her in clothes. And they parted within two years. I was working in the yard then. When I went into the actual foundry the thirst, at times, got the better of me. And so I'd get a skinful and I'd raise hell. Yet, in between times, in my sober senses I knew that the second best, as you would call it, was the best thing that had happened to me. " He now put his hand out and took one of the hands that were clinging to the mug and, laying it on the table, he patted it as he said, " I've never been any use with words, except swear ones, but she knows what I mean. " He was nodding at Daisy the while, and he finished, " Life works things out for you if you let it. So, have you got your answer? "

"Aye, Da, in a way, that is."

Her mother was looking at her now, saying, "Who's let you down, lass?"

"Oh, nobody, Ma. Nobody's let me down. I've let me self down. He's never been other than pally, and I saw the red light ages ago, but wouldn't take any notice. But, in his own way, he swung the lantern in me face, if you know what I mean."

"Who's he, lass?"

She lowered her lids before she said, "Sammy."

"Sammy Love?"

"Yes, Da, Sammy Love. I only know one Sammy."

"Well, all I can say, lass, is, he's a blasted fool. He must be swinging the red light before his own eyes."

"No, Da. No."

"Has he got somebody else?"

She looked at her mother.

"Yes, and always has had, I think."

"Well, I've got no need to ask who your second choice is."

"Haven't you. Da?"

"No, it's that Willie, isn't it?"

Daisy gave a short laugh as she said, "No, it isn't that Willie, Da, although he would like it to be. And sometimes, in a way, I wish it was, 'cos he's got spunk. Well, I mean, he was never afraid to be seen with me in me rig, and he's a nice lad. But I'm not daft or blind, and if I did like him that way, I know there would be opposition. Not from the big fella, or Katie, or Sammy, but as nice as his lady ma is, I don't think she can see me as a daughter-in-law. And then there's his big brother, the one that's in London learning to be a doctor. Oh, he was snuff

up your nose, if anyone was. He used to look at me as if I was a cabbage snail and should be trodden on. "

"The bugger; he did?"

"Yes, Da, the bugger; he did. And many a time I wanted to give him a mouthful. I don't know who he takes after in that family. Of course' she laughed now " Big Chief Running Buffalo isn't his da, else I think he'd have had the upstart knocked out of him afore now. But stepfathers have to watch their step; at least that's what I think. "

"Who's your second choice, lass?"

The question was quiet and she looked at her mother and answered as quietly,

"Jimmy."

When they both said together, "Jimmy?" she nodded from one to the other, saying, "Yes, Da, that's what I said, Jimmy."

"Is that why you brought him here this last twice or so?"

"Aye, in a way, Ma, so you could pass an opinion. It would just be a surface one because you don't know him, only what I've told you about him. But he was the one that pulled me up and stopped me being daft that long while ago."

"Does he feel for you?"

"I don't really know. Da. Well, yes, he does in a way, because he's always seemed to look after me in the club and that. And I've laughingly called him my minder."

"How d'you really feel about him?"

"Oh, I like him. I've always liked him, and if there was any second best, well, he could be it."

"Why must there be a second best, lass? Why can't you wait?" Annie was shaking her head slowly at her daughter, and at this Daisy said, "There's a reason, Ma, and you would say I wasn't doing things for the right reason.

But, if Sammy waved a red lamp at me, I feel this is the only way I can wave a red lamp at Willie, else there'll be a showdown shortly and it won't be pleasant. It might mean that I'll have to break, well, sort of cut off from the family, and I like them. But if I could show him I was really going with somebody else, well, it might dampen him down."

"Oh, lass! Oh, lass!" Len's head was bowed now and he was shaking it slowly.

"I thought you'd have more sense than to play that game. And," he now wagged a finger at her, "I'm telling you this. From what little I've seen of this Jimmy, and how he talked when he was here, he was trying to put it over that he had kept an eye on you for years and would still continue to do so. And to my mind, if he had any feelings for you other than that of, as you call it, a minder, you would have known about it before now, because ... how old is he? Twenty-one?"

"Twenty-three," Annie put in.

"He's not, Ma, he's not twenty-three."

"He is, lass." Annie let out a long drawn sigh before she added, "And up to a few months ago, he was living with a woman in Pilot Road."

Daisy's chair almost toppled backwards on to

34i

the floor as she sprang up, crying, "He wasn't! He's never lived with any woman. Who told you that?"

"Mrs. Anderson, from two doors down. I know she's a gossip, but there she was in the supermarket and she said, " I see that Daisy's taken up with Jimmy Redding. He's a nice lad. I knew his people when they lived in Dene Street.

They were a bit cut up when he went to live with that piece in Pilot Road.

But now he's back at home again, I see. " You like him that much, lass?"

"No. No. But the fact that he's been living with a woman and I didn't know."

"What you talking about?" It was her mother speaking now and harshly.

"Why should you have known? Except that he was lodging there. And he's a young man. It's his life, and everybody's living with somebody else now, and they don't wait until they're twenty-three. By that I don't mean ... or that kind of man is for you. No, I don't! You're young and clean and ... Oh!"

She tossed her head now and walked towards the sink, and as she clashed the crockery into it. Daisy said, "I'm... I'm not gone on him in that way, but I never thought he was that sort."

"Look here, girl!" Len's finger was wagging at her again.

"You were going to make him a second best choice, and you made no bones about it. Now I'll tell you something. What impression he has given you and

others at the Centre, to me is much more underhand than him going to live with a woman, because it's calculated. In our case' - he pointed to Annie

'there was nowt calculated; it mst happened. But you're working things out afore hand going to have them your way, and the man has to fit in. Oh, lass, I'm surprised at you, I really am.

Well, you came home to ask our advice and mine is; don't go in for your second choice, 'cos if he's had one affair like that, he could have another.

And it's his life, so who's to blame him? And as far as I can see he's done nothing wrong to you, only looked after you and stopped you being a young tear away years ago.

"Cos that's what you were."

"Thank you very much, Da. Thank you very much." She now went and grabbed up her coat from the settee. It wasn't the Aquascutum with the fur collar, but it was a warm-looking coat of reasonable length, one which had come from her private source. Then, she rammed her woollen hat on her head before making for the door. But there, her mother stood blocking her way, and quietly she entreated, "Don't be mad, lass. Your da's right, and' - she now put out her hand and pushed an errant piece of hair under the woollen hat 'you're much too bonny to throw yourself away on second best. Wait a while; think it over in that cute mind of yours, and it will straighten things out for you."

Then, looking into the brown eyes that were expressing deep hurt, and as if applying a salve to the hurt, she said, "I'm making a big pot-pie for dinner the night and a spotted dick for afters, and' - she now added more salve 'if you wouldn't mind taking me with you to your shop the morrow,

'cos I'm almost threadbare in lots of ways, I'd be grateful. "

"Oh, Ma!"

The two words spoke volumes, untranslatable to anyone other than their two selves and the man who stood watching them. Then Daisy went out.

"I'm lonely, Bill, and I'm going to be more so. Katie's ensconced in Durham, has been this past year, and whereas Sammy could have chosen

Newcastle University, he plumps for Durham, too. So, by October, who will I have left? I'll have Willie for another year, then he'll be off."

"You've still got a daughter." Bill's voice was cold.

"Yes, I still have a daughter. But am I now to tell my mother I don't need her to come here every day to see to Angela? You don't understand. Bill, how much she has come to mean to mother. The child has given her an aim in life, a meaning, and the love she showers on her is reciprocated. I... I feel jealous at times. Yet, in a way, I am glad for them both, because, as you know, Angela needs company all the time. She must be with someone. Nell used to take a turn with her, but now her time is taken up with her own son.

It's understandable she can't keep running backwards and forwards here every day."

"And you're too busy yourself to see to her?"

"Don't speak to me like that, Bill. You're inferring what you're afraid to say. I love the child, Bill;

I love her dearly. You come in at five, six, or seven at night and make straight for her and give her half an hour. Then you have a bath and your meal, and five nights out of six you settle in the study with your papers.

Oh, yes, you want me to be with you and sit there. And what will I do?

Knit, crochet or wait for you to throw me a word or two, and ask me how my day has gone. "

"Ah, now, hold your hand a minute. Hold your hand a minute, woman."

"And please don't call me, woman. You know I don't like it."

"All right, lady. Well, take your mind back. It's only a few days ago that I asked if you'd like to go out to dinner, and what did you say?"

"I said, no, because you asked me while sitting in that chair there' she pointed to a deep armchair to the side of the couch on which he was sitting "

And you were stretched out and yawning. And when I said, no, I didn't want to go, you got yourself a drink, settled down again and dozed off. "

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, really I am; I shouldn't be tired, the easy life I've got."

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you. Bill."

A pained silence fell on the room. Then in a low voice she said, "It's now more than a year since I dared to mention that I would like to take up a career. And I was informed, in no small voice, that you were my career.

Well, I've worked at it, but I am still left with a gaping loneliness in me.

I love you. I couldn't stop loving you if I tried, but what do I see of you?

You're out of the house every morning before nine; you don't come home to lunch; you sometimes phone me, not so often as of yore, but sometimes. And then there's your routine of the evening. Except for the weekend, and even then, I've known you to spend the whole of Saturday morning in the office.

As for Sunday, you keep out of the way mostly, as one or other have their friends here. The only time, I may say, when you willingly show your face is when Daisy comes, because you like to banter with her. But up till now I fill my time with the family, seeing to food, seeing to their clothes, and, when Mrs. Watson has been off, doing the chores. But now, since my family is going to be greatly depleted come the end of September, I can see myself passing the time answering phone calls, preparing our meal in the evening and, for a break, taking a run over to see how Nell's faring.

Well, all that won't fill the gap, Bill. So, whether it vexes you or pleases you, I have made a decision. "

His head jerked towards her, the look in his eyes hard, his mouth a tight line, and he waited. And she, looking him straight in the face, said, "I'm going to take a course at the Open University. I'm going to try for a

degree." She watched the pink flush on his face deepen. She watched his Adam's apple jerk up and down in his throat. Then, she watched his mouth open twice before he said through gritted teeth, "You wouldn't like to go to college with the others, would you?"

And when she dared to answer him fearlessly, saying, "Yes. Yes, I would love to do that. Bill. It was a chance I missed in my youth and I would simply love it, and people of my age are doing it every day.

But I have a home to see to, and a daughter. " She stressed the word.

"Moreover, I would like to be here when different members of my family might need me, if ever they do."

She could feel the force of the anger rising in him. It was like a heat emanating from him but she urged herself to go on, so she said, "We've been married eleven years, Bill, and I have never crossed you in any way. And this desire of mine appears to me such a simple matter; however, simple or otherwise, I have made up my mind to carry it through, and so much so that I have already applied."

As she watched his doubled hand tapping against the side of his thigh, she was fully aware that if he had been dealing with a woman of his own type, that hand would have come across her face. Bill Bailey was Bill Bailey.

Slowly she turned from him and walked out of the room.

The sun was shining and dappling the ground where the trees thinned out towards the edge of the wood. When a light breeze brought down a small

shower of leaves, Katie looked upwards, saying, "Who was it said,

I cry with each leaf that falls, Although I love the drying of the year And dance round the burning pyre That was summer's glorious array. "

"I wouldn't know ... Well, who wrote it?" asked Sammy.

"I don't know either. I just remember reading it somewhere, and it was brought back to mind when I saw those leaves falling."

They reached the end of the wood, then stood looking across the low fence towards the open farm land. Then turning to Sammy, Katie said, "How do you feel about this being your last day; I mean, starting a new life? Because that's what you'll be doing tomorrow."