The Bondwoman's Narrative (17 page)

“I know.”

“I would not be the means of your going, and that you should be exposed to punishment for my sake.”

“Say no more, my mind is fixed. We will go and trust in heaven.”

She extinguished the light and all was darkness. Hand in hand we listened, all was still; we went down stairs softly, the
hall was deserted; we opened and shut the door—again listened and looked, but no one was near—then paused, lingered a moment,
turned to the house with a farewell glance, and then
left
turned to the wide expanse of feild and forest and meadow, crossed by intersecting roads, and hurried away.

When men say peace and safety sudden destruction cometh

B
IBLE

We took the road leading to the river, and walked hastily forward. It was not a time to loiter or linger, freedom, happiness,
everything perhaps life was at stake. We trembled at a sound, a shadow filled us with alarm. Trees in the dusky gloom took
the forms of men, and stumps and hillocks were strangely transferred into blood-hounds crouching to spring on their prey.
Every one must be aware that in the southern states a person traveling at night, especially a female, would be certain to
excite observation. We came near being betrayed on two or three occasions. Once we heard the distant murmur of voices and
the tramp of horses’ feet, evidently approaching at a rapid pace. There was not a moment to be lost. To pass them without
exciting suspicion would be impossible. True my mistress was well known in that neighborhood, but what excuse could she frame
for being out there at the dead time of night. Nothing but concealment presented itself, but where how could we find a place.
The whole country was an open common.
They’re
There was neither wood, nor tree, nor fence. To increase our difficulties the moon which had been concealed behind a cloud
shone out brilliantly. Meanwhile the voices and the trampling feet
grew nearer and nearer, retreat was impossible, to advance
would be fatal to our hopes, and
wrapping our cloaks
muffling our heads and faces, and hands in our cloaks we crouched on the ground in terror determined to abide the worst.
As it terminated this was the wisest course we could have taken. They glanced casually towards us, and probably mistook us
for cattle sleeping on the common.
passed a

Again we were overtaken by a physician, who had been summoned to attend a sick-bed, and yet again we came near encountering
a planter who was returning from some distant expedition to his home. His blood-hound sate [sat] at his feet in the carriage,
and passing near where we lay behind some bushes, we distinctly heard his fierce growl, and saw the fiery gleaming of eyes.
We heard his master inquire, “What do you see, Cesar?” and then sharply eyeing the clump of cedars, and
seeing
only seeing
the thick dark branches, he continued addressing the dog “You thought you scented a Negro. I suppose but there is nothing
there.”

To our unspeakable relief he was soon out of sight.

We went on for several hours and were greatly fatigued. Towards morning, I knew the time by the stars and the fresh breezes
my mistress declared that she could go no farther, and that she must rest.

“But, my dear Mistress are we not near the river. We must be there by morning to meet the boat. Lean on me if you are weary.
I am much the stronger.”

She was nervous and excited; at one moment bouyed by hope and exultant, the next overcome by the deepest despondency, and
though endeavoring to do my utmost to soothe and comfort her I felt my own strength giving way under the increasing weight
of a dreadful suspicion.

It had occurred to me once before, and where the roads intersected
each other that we were going wrong. This became more apparent
every moment, yet I feared to communicate the painful truth to her. She might bear it heroically, or she might sink beneath
it, and so I determined to stop, wait for the morning light, and ascertain the fact. There was a wood near by, thick, dense
with undergrowth, and thither I led my mistress, prepared for her a mossy seat, wrapped my own cloak around her; then seating
myself behind her I drew her head to my bosom, and bade her sleep.

At first she was painfully awake, and would start and shudder at the least sound. I well knew the soothing and comforting
influences to be derived from reading portions of the Holy Scripture, in times of trouble and affliction, and so commenced
repeating many beautiful passages from the Psalms.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

“Therefore we will not fear though the earth be removed and the mountains carried into the midst of the sea.”

“God is our refuge in distress, an ever present help in times of trouble.”

“He is indeed” she softly murmured.

And then while I continued the blessed insensibility of sleep slowly locked her senses in oblivion.

I determined to watch and wait. But weary nature will have her rights. By degrees the scenes and objects in which I had mingled
through the day recurred to my memory in a manner confused and indistinct, and I soon lost all recollection of where and what
I was.

It was bright fresh morning when I woke, the leaves were whispering and the birds singing. So profound had been my slumber
that it required an effort to recall the events of the preceding day, or to understand fully my situation. I looked around
for my companion. She had awakened first, and deeming my posture uncomfortable had gradually lowered me to the ground, formed
a pillow
of leaves for my head, and covered me with our cloaks. She smiled, but sadly and wearily, at my look of surprise,
and coming towards me expressed her gratitude that I had slept so well.

I arose with a feeling of weakness pervading my whole frame, and my head swam with a strange sensation of giddiness. I well
knew the cause. Without any appetite I apprehended the necessity of food. We had made no provision for this contingency, because
we had anticipated reaching the boat by morning, and now what next?

Before proceeding farther it was necessary to hold a consultation. To procure food was out of the question except such as
nature spontaneously afforded, and I dismissed the thought. My mistress for the time seemed incapable of action or decision.
She reclined wearily on a mossy knoll, her face buried in her hands, and tho she said nothing I felt that she must be aware
how far we had wandered from the right way.

“My dear Mistress” I said approaching her. “We have certainly been going from the river instead of towards it. Don’t you think
so?”

She nodded in the affirmative.

“Have you any idea what part of the country we are in?”

She shook her head.

“Were you ever here before?”

“Never.”

“Then what shall we do?”

“Just sit down and die here” she replied, with a sort of shriek. “It is horrible, dreadful to be sure, but better after all
than to be sold for a slave.”

I saw that one of her nervous excited spells was coming on, and felt all the more the absolute necessity for strong resolution
and courage on my own part. I spoke up cheerily, and how my cheerfulness belied my real feelings. “We will do no such thing.
I will
climb yonder hill. Perhaps I can thence obtain a view of some village, or river, or something else that will show us
where we are.”

She quietly acquiesced in my proposal, and I ascended the hill. There was a house, but no village in the distance. There were
men laboring in the adjacent feilds and I heard the barking of a dog. I gathered a few berries, carried them to my companion
and entreated her to eat. She refused, saying that she had no appetite.

“But you are weak and faint. Eat my beloved mistress for my sake if not your own.”

Thus I plead[ed] with and entreated her, and finally prevailed. She partook a small quantity.

We lingered in the woods till nearly noon uncertain what course to pursue. To our confused intellects even the sun appeared
to occupy a wrong position in the heavens. Oh: the horror the bewilderment of being lost. After a time, however, I felt a
new confidence springing up within me. I felt that we had one friend and protector and that One the greatest and the best.
We could not be utterly forsaken, and hopeless and helpless when God was near. We had committed no crime and what had we to
fear? We had not the appearance of fugitives from slavery. No one there could recognise who and what we were. We could easily
reach the house I had discovered, where perhaps we could ascertain all we desired to know.

This plan I communicated to my mistress. At first she hesitated, declaring that detection would be worse than death.

“But there can be detection” I replied.

“Oh: I don’t know I don’t know” she answered wringing her hands.

“I can see no reason why we should fear it. We will represent ourselves as poor women who have become accidental[l]y lost.”

“Which will be no more than the truth” she said with a sudden energy.

“Certainly it will be truth, and as such we will tell it. Now let us go.”

I took her hand, and she arose, but her apparent weakness really surprised and alarmed me. I could not fully appreciate all
she had suffered; for tho’ a slave myself I had never possessed freedom, wealth, and position as she had, but I saw its effects
in the utter prostration of her nervous system, her trembling limbs, and tottering steps.

Determined not to be again misled; for the second time I ascended the hill, took good notice of the direction, and then went
down. She was sitting where I had left her at the foot. I assisted her to rise, gave her my arm, bade her be of good courage,
and led her unresistingly across the plain.

It was farther to the house than I had at first supposed; and we were obliged to cross a small stream where some boys were
fishing. They regarded us with evident surprise, and one of the smaller boys called out to his companions that two crazy women
were coming.

“Not exactly that my good little fellow” I said soothingly. “Not exactly that, but almost as bad; we are lost,
give
can you
give us the direction to the village of Milton to which the steamboat runs.[”]

“Bless you, Madam, he can’t tell you anything about it. He is too little. I am bigger you see,” and the little fellow assumed
an air of childish importance really laughable to behold.

“Well” I said “as you are bigger, perhaps you can tell us.”

“To be sure I can” he replied “but Missus it is a long road.”

“Think so?”

“Yes, and yonder are some boys bigger still than I am, and may be they could tell you still better.”

“Perhaps they could” I answered “but who lives in that large house yonder?”

“Why father lives there.”

“And what is your father’s name?”

“Frederick Hawkins, but they call him Colonel sometimes.”

“And do you suppose that we could get some food; and rest for a short time in your father’s house before we proceed?”

“Oh: I know very well that you could. I will go with you and tell him that you have been lost, and that you are hungry and
weary.”

I looked at my mistress. She said nothing but shook her head. I hesitated I [sic] [a] minute or two and then decided that
probably, in view of all the circumstances, it would be better to go on directly to the village. We obtained the necessary
information and started off, traveling through fields and along by roads in order to escape observation. But we made slow
progress. Unaccustomed to fatigue, or any continued exercise my dear companion could not bear it, and she was often very often
compelled to stop and rest. On such occasions I could scarcely tell which
predomderated
predominated—her great fear and horror of discovery, or her affectionate tenderness to me.

“My dear Hannah” she would say “what a great trouble I be to you—how you are obliged to wait on me, and to wait for me. Oh,
if I was only strong, if I could only walk on fast and briskly like you can, if I could bear exposure and want as you bear
them, how rejoiced I should be.”

And then I would soothe and compassionate with her, and tell her how much I loved her, and how pleasant her society was to
me; that even there and then I found motives for consolation and encouragement, that we must exercise faith and patience and
an abiding trust in God. Oh, the blessedness of such heavenly trust— how it comforts and sustains the soul in moments of doubt
and despondency—how it alleviates misery and even subdues pain.

Towards night we approached a farm-house in the outskirts of the village.
It was a happy-looking rural, contented spot, wanting,
indeed, in the appearances of wealth and luxury, but evidently the abode of competence and peace. I felt that the possessors
of such a humble comfortable place must be hospitable people, that they would have a care for two weak weary wandering women,
and so exhorting my mistress to be of good cheer and strong in hope, we entered the gate, and advanced by a neatly graveled
walk towards the dwelling. Every thing seemed imbued with a quiet air of domestic happiness. Even the little dog came
running wagging
to meet us wagging his tail and frisking as if we were old acquaintances. A benevolent-looking middle-aged
old
Lady came out into the porch as we approached, and politely inquired our wishes. We told her briefly as possible that we
were two poor women, who in seeking to find the village of Milton had become bewildered and wandered from the way; that we
were weary and hungry, and though we had no claim on her hospitality save that of distress, we should be greatly obliged if
she would grant us shelter for the night.

“Come in, and I will ask father” she said, and we entered the house.

An old man, with grey hairs and of the most venerable appearance was sitting near the open window reading the Bible. He looked
up, and bowed slightly.