The Book of Great Funny One-Liners (9 page)

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.

I don’t think, therefore I am not.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I feel better after I wine a little.

I fish, therefore I lie.

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I love animals. They’re delicious.

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

I plan to live forever. So far, so good!

I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they didn’t listen.

I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I’m Not with Stupid Anymore.

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.

If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

If today were a fish I’d throw it back

If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

If you can read this, I’ve lost the trailer!

If you can read this, you’re not the president.

If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union.

If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomaly in the cosmic order.

If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I’m out of oestrogen and I’ve got a gun!

I’m pink, therefore I’m SPAM.

I’m still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.

I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

IRS: Be The Audit You Can Be

Is it time for your medication or mine?

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

I’ve heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.

Jesus loves you! But I’m one of his favourites.

Just say ‘NO’ to negativity.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

Keep honking while I reload.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

My feminine side is lesbian.

My mind is like a steel trap—rusty and illegal in most states.

My mood ring says back off

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.

Never believe generalizations.

Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.

Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Old age comes at a bad time.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

On your mark, get set, go away!

Out of my mind—back in five minutes.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

Procrastinate now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Rehab is for quitters.

Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Say ‘NO’ to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING.

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

So many cats, so few recipes.

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?

Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Sorry if I look interested, I’m not!

Stable relationships are for horses.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

That’s not a haircut, it’s a cry for help.

The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.

The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.

The meek shall inherit the earth—after we’re through with it.

The Moral Majority is neither.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Think globally, act galactically.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management.

Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for solitaire.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

What we need is a patch for stupidity!

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it’s all about?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Worry. God knows all about you.

WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?)

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

You—off my planet.

You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

Your body would look good in my trunk.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Scientists have discovered the noise made just prior to the Big Bang, which sounds something like ‘oops.’

Cully Abrell (James Clayton), American screenwriter

If everyone on Earth stopped breathing for just an hour, the greenhouse effect would no longer be a problem.

Jerry Adler, American actor

What is algebra exactly? Is it one of those three cornered things?

J.M. Barrie, Scottish novelist

The ants set an example to us all, but it is not a good one.

Max Beerbohm, British caricaturist

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul Ehrlich, German immunologist

Quod erat demonstrandum is Latin for, ‘Don’t argue with ME, you bastard.’

Russell Bell, American actor

The Internet is so big, powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.

Andrew Brown, British computer acientist

Automatic simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.

Frank Capra, Italian-American Director

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin, American comedian

The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 metres per second.

Marcus Dolengo [Note: for those who forgot their high school science, 9.8 m/s is the acceleration due to gravity].

If ants are such busy workers, how come they find the time to go to all the picnics?

Marie Dressler, American actor

A computer is like an Old Testament God, with a lot of rules and no mercy.

Joseph Campbell, American mythologist

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Harlan Ellison, American author

My dog understands every word I say but ignores it.

Michael Green, British theologian

The smallest hole will eventually empty the largest container, unless it is made intentionally for drainage, in which case it will clog.

Dave Grissom, American musician

The perfect computer has already been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Al Goodman, American musician

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Stephen Leacock, Canadian economist

A bishop wrote gravely to the
Times
inviting all nations to destroy ‘the formula’ for the atomic bomb. There is no simple remedy for ignorance so abysmal.

Peter Medaway, British journalist

The trouble with the Internet is that it is replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Patrick Murray, British actor

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a little.

Eric Porterfield, British writer

Have you ever smelled a rain forest? They stink. They stink worse than a 13-year-old’s bedroom.

A.A. Gill, British columnist

The best thing about the rain forests is that they never suffer from drought.

Dan Quayle, American Vice-President

Sex is just the mathematics urge sublimated.

M.C. Reed, British mathematician

82% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Vic Reeves, British comedian

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

James Thurber, American cartoonist

The Internet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhoea—massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.

Gene Spafford, American computer scientist

If builders built buildings the way computer programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Reede Stockton, American writer

Many snakes are actually quite short if you don’t count the tail.

John Thompson, American sportsman

Mathematics was always my bad subject. I couldn’t convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.

Calvin Trillin, American journalist

The only reason we had a son was to get someone to work the video. For ten years we used it as a night light.

Adrian Walsh, British comedian