The Book of Great Funny One-Liners (7 page)
Read The Book of Great Funny One-Liners Online
Authors: Frank Allen
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Shaw is the spinster aunt of English literature.
Kenneth Tynan, British writer
He hasn’t enough sense to bore assholes in wooden hobbyhorses.
American journalist Dorothy Parker on an anonymous Hollywood producer
Awards are like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every asshole gets some.
Frederic Raphael, Anglo-American screenwriter
She ran the gamut of emotion from A to B.
American journalist Dorothy Parker on one of Katherine Hepburn’s performances
Working with Julie Andrews is like being hit over the head with a Valentine’s card.
Christopher Plummer on his fellow British actor
When do you want me to do that little something for which you are paying me all this money?
British actor Ellen Terry to a director
Burt Reynolds sings like Dean Martin with adenoids and dances like a drunk killing cockroaches.
Canadian media personality John Barbour on the American actor
My movies are the kind they show in prisons and aeroplanes, because nobody can leave.
Burt Reynolds, American actor
When in doubt, ascribe all quotations to Bernard Shaw.
Nigel Rees, British writer and presenter
Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, ‘Is there a play from Shaw this morning? And when she says ‘No,’ he will say, ‘Well, then we’ll have to start on the rubbish.’ And that’s your chance, my boy.
George Bernard Shaw, Irish dramatist and critic
They say Tom Mix rides as if he’s part of the horse, but they don’t say which part.
America playwright and screenwriter Robert Sherwood on the American movie cowboy
Acting on television is like being asked by the captain to entertain the passengers while the ship goes down.
Peter Ustinov, British comedian and actor
Johnny, keep it out of focus. I want to win the foreign picture award.
Television is a twenty-one inch prison. I’m delighted with it because it used to be that films were the lowest form of art. Now we have something to look down upon.
Billy Wilder, American film director
The Birthday Party
was like a vintage Hitchcock thriller which has been edited by a cross-eyed studio janitor with a lawnmower.
American film maker Orson Welles on British playwright Harold Pinter’s work
When you are alone with Max Beerbohn he takes off his face and reveals his mask.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Robin Williams, American actor and comedian
If this play lasts overnight it should not only be considered a long run but a revival too.
Alexander Woollcott, American critic
My reputation grows with every failure.
George Bernard Shaw, Irish dramatist and critic
and Other Things
There’s this interior linesman who’s as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla. If he was as smart as a gorilla, he’d be fine.
Sam Bailey, American coach
The English rugby team—I’ve seen better centres in a box of Black Magic.
Max Boyce, Welsh comedian
Gary Lineker is the Queen Mother of football.
James Christopher, AQ: please supply title/description
The ideal board of football directors should be made up of three men—two dead and one dying.
Tommy Doherty, Scottish footballer
Paul Ince with a big white bandage on his head was running around the field looking like a pint of Guinness.
Paul Gascoigne, British footballer
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
Billy Graham, American evangelist
The amateur rugby union player has an inalienable right to play like a pillock.
Dick Greenwood, British footballer
Pro basketball coaching is when you wake up in the morning and wish that your parents had never met.
Bill Fitch, American coach
Bobby Robson’s natural expression is that of a man who fears that he might have left the gas on.
David Lacey, British sports writer
Tony Cascarino is the biggest waste of money since Madonna’s father bought her pyjamas.
Frank Lauder, American writer
I resigned as a coach because of illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of me.
John Ralston, American coach
Cricket is the only game that you can actually put on weight when playing.
Tommy Docherty, Scottish footabller
Football combines the worst features of American life—frantic violence punctuated by committee meetings.
George Will, American columnist
Ted Dexter was a master of placing both feet in his mouth at the same time.
Ian Botham, British cricketer
Hack Rowell had the acerbic wit of Dorothy Parker and, according to most New Zealanders, a similar knowledge of rugby.
Mark Reason, British sports writer on England’s coach
Of course there should be women basketball referees. Incompetence should not be confined to one sex.
Bill Russell, American basketball player
Golf and sex are the only things that you can enjoy without being any good at them.
Jimmy Demaret, American golfer
Managing Dunfermline Athletic is a great job, except for the Saturday afternoons.
Jockey Scott, British football manager
Tommy Smith could start a riot in a graveyard.
Bill Shankly, Scottish football manager
Dear Lord, if there be cricket in heaven, let there also be rain.
Alec Douglas-Home, British politician
I am to cricket what Dame Sybil Thorndyke is to non-ferrous welding.
Frank Muir, British writer
Women playing cricket should treat it as a matter between consenting females in private.
Michael Parkinson, British television personality
I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright and wit
Michael Chang has all the fire and passion of a public service announcement, so much so that he makes Pete Sampras appear fascinating.
Alex Ramsay, American sports writer
Pancho Gonzales was the most even-tempered man I ever knew. Always mad.
Ben Thomas, Australian actor
If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there’s no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.
Dave Barry, American author and humorist
It’s a marriage. If I had to choose between my wife and my putter—I’d miss her.
Gary Player, American golfer
Jack Nicklaus isn’t really a golfer. He’s just been on a thirty-year lucky streak.
Henry Beard, American humorist
My back swing off the first tee put the pro in mind of an elderly woman of dubious morals trying to struggle out of dress too tight around the shoulders.
Patrick Campbell, Irish journalist
Give me a man with big hands, big feet and no brains and I will make a golfer out of him.
Walter Hagen, American golfer
Golf is an ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill adapted to the purpose.
Winston Churchill, British statesman
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller, American comedian
Steve Ballesteros drives into territory Daniel Boone couldn’t find.
Fuzzy Zoeller, American golfer
Colin Montgomerie is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. His mind goes on vacation and leaves his mouth in charge.
David Feherty, Irish golfer
A caddy is someone who accompanies the golfer and didn’t see the ball either.
Joe Francis, American footballer
I owe everything to golf. Where else would a guy with an IQ like mine earn so much money?
Hubert Green, American golfer
Driving Mark McCormack’s getaway car is the best job in golf.
George Low, American manager
Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.
A.A. Milne, British writer
Hubert Green swings like a drunk trying to find a keyhole in the dark.
Jim Murray, American sports writer
Gerald Ford doesn’t realise he can’t hit a ball through a tree trunk.
Jack Nicklaus on the American president’s famous clumsiness
Gerald Ford made golf a contact sport.
The principle difference between Baba Zahanas and myself is that I hit the ball like a girl and she hits the ball like a man.
I once played a round with Jack Nicklaus and I asked him what most impressed him about my golf. ‘Your score keeping,’ he replied.
Arnold Palmer has won about as much money playing golf as I’ve paid on lessons.
Bob Hope, American comedian who was an enthusiastic rather than skilful golfer
I’ve seen better swings than Bob Hope’s in a condemned playground.
American golfer Arnold Palmer on the comedian
Arnold Palmer turned golf into a game of ‘Hit it hard, go find it and hit it hard again!’
John Schulian, American writer
Arnold Palmer would go for the flag from the middle of an alligator’s back.
I’m not saying my game is bad at the moment, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine. If it wasn’t for golf, I don’t know what I’d be doing. If my I.Q. had been two points lower, I’d have been a tree somewhere.
Lee Trevino, American golfer
In the US first-class golfers take as long to choose a wife as a club. Sometimes they make the wrong choice in each case.
Dai Rees, British golfer
For most amateurs the best wood in the bag is the pencil.
Chi Chi Rodriguez, American golfer
It’s hard to tell whether Americans have become such liars because of golf or income tax.
Will Rogers, American humorist
Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well.
Art Rosenbaum, American artist
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork like they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
Sam Snead, American golfer
I’m using a new putter because the old one didn’t float too well.
Craig Stadler, American golfer
Ocean racing is like standing under a cold shower tearing up five-pound notes.
Edward Heath, British politician
A fishing rod is a stick with a worm at one end and a fool at the other.
Samuel Johnson, English writer and lexicographer
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright, American comedian
I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.
Sonny Liston is so ugly that when he cries, the tears run down the back of his head.
Muhammad Ali, American boxer
Jack Dempsey hits like an epiliptic pile driver.
Harry C. Witwert, American boxer
Jake LaMotta and I fought six times. We almost got married.
Sugar Ray Robinson, American boxer
Rocky Marciano didn’t know enough boxing to know what a feint was. He never tried to out-guess you. He just kept trying to knock your brains out.
Archie Moore, American boxer
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious.
Alan Minter, British boxer
In the World Darts Championships in 1982, Jocky Wilson missed when attempting to shake hands with an opponent.
Craig Brown, satirist
Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it.
Frank Carson, British comedian
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian
Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which a score is kept.
Doug Larson, British racer
Bryant Gumbel’s ego has applied for statehood. If it’s accepted it will be the fifth largest.
American weather presenter Willard Scott on the sportscaster who spent 15 years anchoring the
Today
show.
Mountain climbers rope themselves together to prevent the sensible ones going home.
Earl Wilson, American journalist
Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch breakfast television.
British comedian Victoria Wood
The only man who makes money following horses is the one who does it carrying a broom and shovel.
Elbert Hubbard, American writer
I am a jockey because I was too small to be a window cleaner and too big to be a garden gnome.
Adrian Maguire, Irish jockey
People say that sailing is an expensive sport, but to own a racehorse is the equivalent of burning a yacht on the front lawn every year.
Adam Nicholson, British writer
Insults
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Don’t go away. I want to forget you exactly as you are.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I’d like to leave you with this thought: If I’ve said anything to insult you, I’ve tried my utmost—believe me.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Use birth control!
Let’s go some place were we can each be alone.
May I have the pleasure of your absence?
Next time you give your clothes away, stay in them.
Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date.
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
Slit your wrists, it will lower your blood pressure.
The only thing your conversation needs is a little lockjaw.
The sooner I never see you again, the better it’ll be for both of us when we meet.
You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
