The Boss (2 page)

To keep the mood from getting somber, I do my very best to imitate my favorite sportscaster’s voice and say, “Did you see those folks emerge safely from that gnarly water landing? Incredible!”

“Have you gone totally bonkers?”

“Not yet, but there’s still plenty of time.”

“Get a grip on reality, Jake.”

“Reality, yes, the quality or state of being real.”

“You almost got us killed!”

“And I prefer to call it a heroic water landing, where everyone on board survives. Of course, if you didn’t like that landing, next week we can try it again.”

“Jake!”

“Abbey!”

“You have got to be the -”

“- best pilot you ever knew? Thank you, thank you -”

“- most irresponsible man in the world!”

I make a noise to imitate a game show buzzer.

“Ehhhht! Sorry. The most irresponsible man in the world is – the chairman of BP Oil.”

“I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. And you’re imitating TV announcers.”

“I can do movies trailers, too. ‘Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water - da duh - da duh’.”

“Can you get serious about anything?”

“Seriously, any landing you can swim away from is a good one.”

“I knew I should have hired a real pilot.”

“Maybe you should’ve rented a real airplane - you know - the kind with with two engines?”

“You know how expensive that is?”

“I don’t think the extra money’s doin’ ya much good now, is it?”

“A real pilot could have landed on the beach.”

“A real pilot wouldn’t be flyin’ Satan’s mistress.”

“What did you call me?”

”What everyone in the office calls you.”

“No one calls me that.”

“Not to your face. Till now.”

“Tell me what you really feel, why don’t you.”

“Me? I think you need to cut a little slack now and then.”

“I worked hard to get where I am.”

“You’re talkin’ to me, Abbey. I know how you got where you are.”

“You’re out of line.”

“Out of luck is more like it.”

“You’re alive and you’re employed. I’d say your luck is pretty good.”

“Stranded here with the wicked witch of the west. Yeah. I’d call that good luck.”

“Go ahead. Get it all out now.”

“Shouldn’t I save a little for tomorrow?”

“Not if still you want a job tomorrow. Besides, we won’t even be here tomorrow.”

‘Really? You got a boat stashed somewhere I don’t know about?”

“They’ll send a helicopter.”

“Who will, Abbey? No one knows we’re here.”

Abbey grabs her purse and pulls out her cell phone. She frantically starts dialing for help, but then realizes there’s no signal. She moves the phone around pointing it in every direction, thinking somehow, a signal will magically appear.

“That ain’t gonna work here.”

“Why not? It didn’t get wet.”

“No cell towers.”

“What about the ones back home?”

“Too far away. Face it, Abbey. We’re stuck here at least for the night.”

Abbey puts the phone back in her purse. She sits in the sand, as if to give up hope.

“OK, Jake. If we’re going to be stuck here in these wet clothes overnight, you better find us something to eat. And some place warm to stay.”

“Marriott and a sirloin. Be right on that, boss.”

Jake heads away as if he’s going to walk across the beach and find a hotel. Then he turns back to Abbey.

“Oh, wait, I forgot. We’re stranded on a deserted island. You want food, I guess you’ll have to get it the old fashioned way. Hunt for it.”

“Jake, it’s the man’s job to take care of these things.”

“The man’s job?”

“That’s right.”

“This is coming from the same person who thinks women and men are the same? I just wanna know one thing, Abbey.”

“You probably only
know
one thing, Jake.”

“What color is the sky on your planet?”

“Ha, ha, ha. Don’t forget, I’m still your boss.”

“You seem to forget, we’re not in the office right now. So you’re not the boss. You’re just a lady stuck on an island.”

Jake gets up and starts to walk away. Abbey rises up and yells out to him.

“Where are you gonna go?”

“Any place you’re not. God, lady, the only one worse off than me is your husband - oh, wait. You’ve never been married.”

“And I’d never wanna be married, especially to a goon like you.”

“Seven years, ya think ya know someone. So the rock on your left hand would beeeee -”

“- to keep men from hitting on me.”

“Oh, you don’t need no ring for that.”

“You’re no gentleman. Just go away.”

“Consider me gone. Jake has left the island.”

Jake walks away. Abbey wanders about in a tither, then sits down in the sand looking out at the ocean. Jake returns five minutes later with something in his hand.

“Is that a coconut?”

Jake holds the coconut up to the sky and turns it around in his hand.

“It sure ain’t no apple.”

“Thank you, Mr. obvious. You only got one?”

“That’s all I need.”

“Where’s one for me?”

“I’m keepin’ yours fresh. I left it in the tree for ya”.

“Ah, the ever consummate gentleman.”

“Hey. I saved your life. I gotta feed ya, now, too?”

“Are you implying you wish I wasn’t alive?”

“I should only be so lucky.”

Abbey turns sharply away. She jumps back when she hears a rustling sound in the bushes.

“What’s that?”

“Prob’ly just a snake, Abbey. Nothin’ to worry about.”

“A snake? I’m afraid of snakes!”

“Really? I think they’re more afraid of you than you are of them.”

“Don’t let me get bitten by a poisonous snake.”

“If ya do, I don’t wanna know nothin’ about suckin’ the poison out.”

“You better pray it doesn’t bite you. I wouldn’t even think of putting my lips on any part of your body. Now. How about finding a safe place we can spend the night?”

“Abbey - it’s only our first date.”

“Not if you were the last man on this Earth. Just find me a safe place to sleep where the snakes can’t get at me.”

“How about a hole six feet deep? That ought to be safe.”

“I suppose you’d fill it in, too.”

“You’re right. Now stop whining and let’s go set up camp.”

“That’s not a job for a lady.”

“Then it’s a good thing there aren’t any here.”

“I’ve had enough of you.”

“And I’m just gettin’ warmed up.”

“Let’s set up camp before it gets dark. What do we need?”

“Palm fronds.”

Jake shows Abbey what they need, and begrudgingly, she helps him find palm fronds. They gather enough in an hour to satisfy Jake.

“Now what?”

“We lay some down an the ground. The rest, we interleave like this. Let me show ya.”

They spend the next few hours building a small shelter from the palm fronds. Abbey is showing a little more of her human side. She feels herself letting her guard down, and suddenly snaps back.

“You got anything to keep the snakes away?”

“What do ya think this is, Gilligan’s island?”

“At least Gilligan was a gentleman.”

“An’ if you were Ginger, then I’d be a gentleman.”

“I’m hungry. I’ll have that coconut now.”

Jake grabs and holds his coconut tight.

“What makes you think I’m sharin’ this? Don’t worry - there’s plenty more where this came from.”

“Where? I don’t see ‘em.”

“I’d start by lookin’ for a coconut palm.

“Which ones are the coconut palms?”

“I don’t know, maybe the ones with the
coconuts
in ‘em?”

Jake points up to a coconut palm. It’s about twenty feet tall and bent over somewhat making it rather easy for someone like Jake to shimmy up. The coconuts are all the way at the top of the tree, hanging down in pods.

“How am I supposed to get at those?”

“Shimmy up the tree.”

“I - I don’t shimmy.”

“There’s always the Newton technique.”

“The Newton technique? What’s that?”

“That’s where you shake the tree until one falls on your head.”

“Maybe if I kiss you - you’ll turn into a man.”

“I think with you, it works backwards. I’d become a frog.”

Jake puckers up and comes toward her. She pulls back.

“I’d rather kiss the frog.”

“Here. Don’t say I never did anything for ya.”

Jake hands her the coconut. He tells her to open it. She struggles with it trying to pry it open by hand, but she can’t figure out how.

“How do I open this? I can’t find the seam.”

“There is no seam. Just hit it on a rock.”

“A rock?”

“You can use your head if you think it’s harder, but monkeys use rocks.”

“Are you implying I’m a monkey?”

“I wouldn’t insult the monkey.”

She gently taps the coconut on a rock and nothing happens.

“You aren’t gonna crack it open that way. Here, I’ll show you how. The shell’s hard, but the inside is soft and sweet.”

Jake breaks open the coconut, exposing the soft insides. He then shares the coconut with Abbey. As they share their first meal together, Jake imagines for a moment that Abbey isn’t his boss. He pictures her in his mind as just another pretty lady. He wonders if she isn’t soft on the inside of her hard shell. Soon enough, the coconut is consumed with barely a word between them.

“Jake, I’m so tired.”

“Must be from all your hard work.”

Abbey lies down on the palm fronds, hogging the entire area they created earlier. A moment of awkward silence passes.

“I’m getting a little cold.”

“Anything else, princess?”

Abbey shakes her head in disbelief. Jake walks over to his windbreaker which is now dry. He picks it up, walks back and gently lays it over Abbey.

“Thank you. That’s the first nice thing you’ve done since we got here.”

“How quickly you forget.”

“Was there something else I missed?”

“The coconut.”

“That was out of obligation.”

“Hardly.”

Abbey rolls over. Jake walks away. He checks for animals and scans the horizon. Abbey falls asleep within a few minutes. Jake returns. Taking great care not to awaken her, he lies down next to her. She stirs. He jumps back. She awakens and sits up.

“Jake, What the hell are you doing?”

“Soft spot’s only so big, ya know.”

“Relax, Jake. Actually, the body heat feels good.”

Jake sits up in disbelief that Abbey would actually allow this.

“So I’m not a frog?”

“I don’t plan on kissing you to find out.”

“You know, resting, you look so angelic.”

“Angelic. Really, now.”

“But you spoil it when you open your mouth.”

“Nice guy. Besides, who respects a boss who’s angelic?”

“Maybe appreciative is more the word.”

“I am appreciative.”

“You might want to look that up in a dictionary.”

“No one changes overnight.”

“You could always use your near-death experience as an excuse. Like they do in the movies.”