The Boyfriend Sessions (14 page)

It was surreal. Rob Styles’ fiftieth was a big affair. He had the money and connections to hire an area in the Sydney Opera House, overlooking Circular Quay and the Harbour Bridge. Family, friends, staff, and a long list of esteemed business colleagues were in attendance—it was a PR exercise as well as a chance to celebrate.

When Nick rose to speak, it hadn’t even occurred to me that his speech would include me. This was his dad’s night. But after recalling a few fond childhood memories and sharing some stories about how much he admired his dad, Nick turned in my direction.

I was caught off guard. Nick quickly offered me a thin smile before speaking to everyone in the room, instead of me. That should have been my first warning bell.

“Some of you may already know Christa. She’s a very talented graphic artist who I first met at the agency Christmas party almost two years ago. After convincing her that she wouldn’t lose her job if she went out with me.” Light laughter rippled through the room at his comment. “I’ve been lucky enough to call her my girlfriend since a particularly magical day on our family yacht on Boxing Day, the year before last.”

My eyes widened involuntarily. I couldn’t believe he was reminding me of that moment in front of two hundred or more people, but somehow I managed to smile brightly and take a sip of my champagne.

“Christa is everything a man could want. She’s smart, talented, beautiful and better at small talk than me.” Another eruption of amused laughter. “Which is why she’s the person I want to share my life with.”

A series of gasps filled the room, mainly from the women. I did my best to maintain my composure and I remember being thankful I was sitting down.

“Christa.” He finally turned to me. “I hope you don’t mind me doing this in so public a forum, but it seemed apt while we’re celebrating Dad’s birthday. Family is a big part of our lives and something that’s very important to us, which I think you understand.” He actually got down on one knee, much to the excitement of all the women in the room. “Christa Morrison, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

The room erupted into a roar of applause and celebratory cries while I remained sitting in my chair, shocked and staring at Nick.

It was his dad’s booming voice that eventually managed to restore calm. “Quiet everyone! Let my gorgeous potential daughter-in-law speak!”

Finally I found my voice. “Yes.”

The room erupted again and Nick rushed over and kissed then embraced me tightly, as though I was his life raft.

Max released a long breath. “So you weren’t just marrying Nick, you were marrying into the family.”

“Damn right,” Scarlett stated, her tone cold.

I nodded. “I suppose that was part of the problem.”

“Well, seeing as you’re sitting here now, I think it’s safe to assume the wedding didn’t go ahead,” Max concluded.

I looked over at Maddy helplessly. “Where do I start?”

She offered me a kind smile. “You were engaged for three months before you called it off, that’s right isn’t it?“

“Well and truly before the wedding,” Cate clarified.

And thank God for that. Even to this day I couldn’t imagine what the fallout would have been like if we’d waited until closer to the wedding. “The engagement was all over the news, I think you were in the UK by then,” I told Max.

Maddy nodded, sending me a sympathetic look. “It was big news in the social circles. I don’t think Christa had fully appreciated what she was getting herself into.”

I hadn’t. Within a week of accepting Nick’s proposal, we were invited to even more society events and Nick’s mum, Tara, already had plans for the wedding underway. I took another sip of my wine to quell the faint sensation of nausea the memories created.

“Why did you call it off?” Max looked confused. “You had the guy, the money, the family. Sounds like you had it all.”

“Except his heart.” The words still stung to say out loud. “He never told me he loved me.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

Cate reached across the coffee table to squeeze my hand. “You were in love with him though, weren’t you, Christa?”

I sighed. “Big time. But when he proposed to me, I started to doubt everything.”

Max leaned forward in his chair. “That’s not usually the way it works … ”

I smiled wearily at him and rested my chin in my hands. “Why would he propose to me in public like that? It was because it was about his family, about his dad. He wanted to please him, to earn his respect and do what was expected. If it was really about the love he felt for me, the proposal would have been completely different.”

My friends didn’t say anything and I let a beat of silence pass, before I continued.

“And he’d never once told me he loved me,” I admitted. “Then he proposes? It seemed like such a massive leap.” I ran a rough hand through my tangle of curls. “I mean, I knew he cared for me deeply. But in love with me? I wasn’t convinced.”

“So why did you say yes?” Max asked softly.

I rolled my eyes at him. “Room full of people, remember? He’d done it in such a way that I couldn’t say no.” I looked down at my hands, not wanting to look at them. “And I was in love with him.”

Max grinned tightly at me, and there was no warmth to it. “See? I had it picked right off. Entrapment.”

I managed to smile, but just barely. Entrapment indeed, it was next to impossible to call the whole thing off. “I confronted him about it one night, three weeks later. He was exhausted after putting in some ridiculous hours at work and we’d been to a fundraising event on the Friday night. He was really distant and it upset me, so I asked him straight out.”

I relaxed in my chair, remembering again. We were at home, getting ready for bed.

“Oh, Christa.” Cate’s eyes were soft and sad. “I remember it all happening, but I don’t think you told us about that.”

Probably not. Some part of me was aching right now, and I could feel the old wound opening, so my response was to lance it quickly. “I also told you I ended it. That was a lie.”

Cate and Scarlett looked at me cautiously, while Maddy just nodded. She was the only one to know the truth at the time.

“I was having a hard time figuring out my feelings for Nick. I was starting to see that just because we’d been going out for a couple of years didn’t necessarily equate to love or marriage. Until I knew Nick was marrying me for the right reasons, that
I
was marrying him for the right reasons, I couldn’t go through with it. But ending it was next to impossible.”

“Entrapment,” Max muttered.

I ignored him. “There was a lot of pressure from his family. Every time I’d work up the courage to have the conversation with him, something would happen to steer us off track, or I’d just lose my courage. As it turned out, the decision was taken out of my hands.”

Poor Cate, and even Scarlett, didn’t recall any of this. They were looking very confused, sitting still in their seats, wine glasses forgotten.

“It was the night I’d been out with all of you for Scarlett’s birthday, I think it was. Remember we went to the comedy place? Then for drinks after?”

As they nodded, I smiled sadly. “All the time I was convincing myself that I was a coward, the biggest coward was Nick.” I took a long sip of my wine, draining the glass. “He knew I was out with you that night and he would have known roughly what time I’d be coming home. He timed it so perfectly.” My voice had a ring of bitterness to it now, but I didn’t care.

“When I got home, he was in the bedroom with Taylor.” I ignored Cate’s sharp intake of breath. “She was one of the girls who worked in accounts at the agency.”

Meanwhile, Scarlett swore quietly. Maddy reached over and squeezed my hand and I chose not to look in Max’s direction. I didn’t want to see his pity.

“It made it easy to end it at least.” I found myself smiling thinly. “Scruples question. What would you do if you walked in on your fiancé with another woman?”

I didn’t wait for them to answer. “Well, I’d finally found my courage. I was there for a whole minute before Nick realized I stood in the doorway, watching him. He stiffened. Taylor hadn’t seen me yet because, without going into too much detail, the way she was positioned meant she wasn’t looking in my direction. When she eventually did, she’d stopped and squealed uselessly.

“I asked her to leave. Calmly, quietly. Still can’t believe I managed to do it. Once she was gone, I sat down with Nick and told him in no uncertain terms that it was over.” I looked up at the ceiling, angry that I could feel the sting of tears even though it had been three years since that night. “It’s ironic. It wasn’t finding him in bed with another woman that upset me so much—I guess I should be used to that—it was the look on his face when I told him it was over.” I drew in a shaky breath. “He looked so relieved.”

“That’s because he wanted you to find them,” Maddy said softly.

“Exactly. He didn’t love me and never had.” The words were spilling out now and I couldn’t stop them. “Fond of me, sure, but he was so confused about everything else in his life, me included. I think he thought he could marry me for the sake of appearances but, when he was living it, he couldn’t do it. He chose the coward’s way out. I at least was working up to telling him my feelings.”

“Rich, influential men aren’t all they’re cracked up to be,” mused Scarlett.

Max stood, obviously attempting to break the mood. “I think we could all do with a refill. How about a red?”

We nodded in unison and sat quietly, each nursing our own thoughts while Max went to the kitchen.

Nick’s parents were distraught. Rob had even come over to speak to me in person about it, without Nick’s knowledge. He didn’t know about Nick and Taylor and I wasn’t about to tell him. He’d enquired gently to see if there was a way for us to work things out. I’d told him quite honestly that I felt I wasn’t doing the right thing by marrying his son. To his merit, he’d accepted my answer and had labored the point that I was still a valued employee of his, whatever happened between Nick and I.

I left the agency about a month later. I needed to put it all behind me and I couldn’t do that with Nick and his dad around me constantly. That was when I joined Shout and moved in with Cate, to this apartment.

Max returned and refilled our glasses while Maddy looked me carefully. “At the risk of being cold, what did you learn from your time with Nick?”

I studied the red wine Max had just poured into my glass. “To trust myself more. I knew something wasn’t right, but I hadn’t learned to trust my instincts.”

“Easy to say, Christa,” Cate said, “but there were so many factors at play—his issues with his dad and the fact they had such a public profile had a huge impact. Plus you were in love with him.”

“I know,” I relented. “You know the ironic thing? Here I am saying I should trust myself more, but after Nick, I’m not sure I’d know how to recognize real love if I came across it.”

“Don’t say that!” Cate cried.

I shrugged. Maybe those feelings had started with my parent’s divorce, but that was the first time I’d voiced them out loud. “It’s the lucky few, in my opinion. Pop culture has us believing that we’re all going to find the perfect partner, but I’m beginning to think it’s a pipe dream.”

“Maddy, do something!” Cate was such a romantic. She looked at Maddy with a panicked expression, indicating she should come to the rescue and cheer me up.

I knew I was being melancholy and the wine wasn’t helping. As Maddy sat contemplating me quietly, considering her next move, Max spoke.

“So that’s it? You’re just giving up?”

I met his brown eyes, which held an obvious challenge.

A bitter laugh escaped before I replied. “You know the thing I just realized tonight? I think I gave up a long time ago. Why else would I go from guy to guy with no intention of anything serious?”

There. I’d said it. For the last three years, I wasn’t in relationships because I was searching for my Mr Right. I was convinced they were all Mr Wrong, so I just hooked up with whoever took my fancy.

“Christa.” Scarlett eyed me suspiciously, obviously not liking this new, less bubbly side to my personality. Even for her, my thoughts were a stretch. She wasn’t possessed with the deep desire to find Mr Right, the same way Cate was, but nor was she disillusioned with men. In fact, she quite enjoyed them. Regularly.

I didn’t care. While the realization seemed bleak to them, it was a revelation to me. I suddenly felt free.

I stood up abruptly. “At least I know now. If I don’t believe in it, I can stop looking for it.”

They all started speaking at once, trying to encourage or to disagree, but I held up a hand. “Thanks everyone, but I’m tired. I’m going to have a shower and go to bed.”

“Christa!” Maddy and Cate appealed to me.

“No. I’m done.”

I wasn’t sure if I was talking about the conversation or relationships in general.