The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (14 page)

The work with this couple caused me to rethink my work with all of the couples I saw. How many of their problems were learned behavior? How much was brain? How would I know unless I looked? Obviously, because of costs and availability of imaging, I couldn’t scan everyone, but when I was struggling with complex cases, scans became invaluable. Over a decade ago, my friend and colleague psychologist Earl Henslin started sending many of the couples he saw to my clinic. He said of the first forty cases he sent to me, thirty-nine remained married years later.

Secret #3:
Something Completely Unexpected May Be Causing Trouble

Looking at the brain has taught me that there may be completely unexpected problems causing trouble for couples. The following story highlights this principle.

Dave and Bonnie saw a psychologist for marital therapy for three years. It was a frustrating endeavor. Try as they might to get closer, nothing seemed to work. The therapy sessions were filled with blaming, bickering, frequent explosions, and a general sense of unhappiness. The therapist, who was very experienced, tried and tried, yet nothing worked. After considerable thought the doctor decided to give the couple an F in marital therapy. She told Dave and Bonnie that in her opinion it was time for divorce. When the couple protested, as they had spent years of effort and over $25,000 trying to get better, the therapist said there was one more option. She told them about the work at Amen Clinics, where some of her most difficult clients had been helped.

After an evaluation we performed brain-SPECT scans on the couple. Dave’s brain scans looked shriveled and full of holes, the
same pattern that we see in drug or alcohol abusers. The scan was odd, because in his history Dave said he didn’t drink and never used drugs. To make sure, in front of Bonnie, I asked Dave if he was drinking heavily or using drugs. He said no, and repeated that he didn’t drink and never used drugs.

I turned to Bonnie for more information, knowing that alcoholics are often in denial and drug abusers often lie. She said, “He is right. He doesn’t drink and as far as I know has never used drugs. That is not his problem, Dr. Amen. He is just an asshole.”

I chuckled at her comment. But internally my mind started to race. If he was not a drinker or drug abuser, then why did he have such a toxic-looking brain? I went through the different potential medical causes in my head: brain infections, near-drowning episode, hypothyroidism, anemia, and environmental toxins. My friend psychiatrist Harold Bursztajn, co-director of the Psychiatry and Law Program at Harvard, often says that scans are usually not the answer, they teach you to ask better questions. My next question to Dave was, “Where do you work?”

He replied, “I work in a furniture factory.”

“What do you do there?” I asked.

“Finish furniture.”

“Is there good ventilation in the room?” Oh my goodness, I thought, Dave has a drug-affected brain from the solvents he was using at work; even though he has never willfully used drugs, they are eating away his brain. Dave just thinks he is being a good provider to his family, while his brain is being poisoned.

“No,” Dave said, “it is often hot and reeks with fumes.”

“Do you wear a mask?” I asked.

“No, they tell me I should but I don’t think it is important.”

“Ouch,” I said. “You really should.”

My next question was to Bonnie: “When did he start becoming an asshole?”

She thought for a moment. “We were not always unhappy. We have been married for fifteen years. It just seems that the last eight were hard. The first years were great. He was so different.”

Then Bonnie had a look of “Aha” wash over her face. “Dave started to work at the furniture factory eight years ago. Do you think his personality change can be from his job?”

“You bet,” I answered. “Something is eating away his brain, and eating away his ability to be kind, thoughtful, empathic, and to love you.”

Working with this couple has been an amazing lesson in the brain-love connection. I took Dave out of work for six months and would only allow him to return to a nontoxic job at the plant. Bonnie developed empathy for her husband, who before in her mind was just an asshole but who had become someone in need of help and understanding. When behavior does not make sense, it is important to consider brain health issues as a potential cause of the trouble. When people have issues concerning their behavior, the brain is an important place to look. Research done on brain-injured patients revealed that over one-third of them suffer from depression. In addition, of those people suffering from depression, three-quarters also had anxiety issues and exhibited aggressive behavior.

Secret #4:
Think About Scanning Potential Partners or Taking Their Brain Science History

When I was single, whenever I dated someone new, I tacitly took a brain science history. I wanted to know as much about how her brain worked as I wanted to know how her body felt next to mine. If I thought the relationship had the potential of going further, I asked her to get a scan. Most women had no problem with the idea. In fact, when women really understood my work, most were curious and wanted to know more about themselves. The idea of scanning someone was never to rule them in or out; it was to gain a better understanding of the issues that might face us in a serious relationship.

One of my close friends, Will, had been dating a new woman he met on
Match.com
. He really liked her and felt they had great chemistry but he was concerned about a number of issues. She tended to run late, was disorganized, lived on the edge by riding motorcycles, and was prone to starting fights between them. As much as he liked her, she was not easy for him to be around. She suspected herself that she had attention-deficit disorder. Her scan showed very low activity in the PFC when she tried to concentrate, which is a common scan finding of ADD. The deeper understanding of his potential mate allowed Will to make a more informed decision about what he wanted to do with the relationship.

Another friend, Katie, started dating a man, Ben, she had met through her professional circle of colleagues. Again, the chemistry was powerful, but she was concerned with his tendency to argue and be oppositional. It never felt easy being with him. She felt on guard a lot and she was often chastised by her new boyfriend for what seemed to her like minor offenses. After first refusing to get scanned, he later agreed. His scan showed excessive activity in his anterior cingulate gyrus. His brain tended to get stuck in the loop of negative thoughts and behaviors. Recognizing the problem after seeing his scan, and admitting it had been a problem in other
relationships, Ben took a supplement (5-HTP) to calm this part of the brain. Subsequently, the couple got along much better.

Since most people do not have access to scans, taking a brain science history can be of great value. I’ll discuss this more in the next chapter.

Secret #5:
Brain Health Becomes Part of the Relationship

My imaging work has led me to want a better brain. I have personally been scanned ten times over fifteen years. As people age, the brain usually becomes less and less active. In my case, my brain has improved over time, because I have taken personal brain health seriously. In my relationships, whether with friends or potential partners, eventually everyone ends up being scanned. The imaging work generates intense interest. Most people want to know about themselves and how their own brain works. If one of my friends gets scanned, brain envy starts to invade his or her consciousness. She wants a better brain. She becomes more likely to eat in healthy ways, exercise, take supplements, wear her seat belt, and avoid too much alcohol or caffeine. As brain health enters her consciousness, it is easier for us to be together. We share a common goal, brain health. Ordering at restaurants becomes a collaborative effort and spending time together turns into more walks and word games than getting drinks at a bar.

Secret #6:
Scans Generate New Ideas

Scans generate new ideas and new ways of thinking about relationships. I recently saw a troubled couple. The husband was bipolar and his wife had gotten to the point where she couldn’t stand his behavior anymore. Sex was one of the areas of discontent. She came in for the first time on a joint visit to add some information about how he was doing. Within one minute of being
with her, I felt very uncomfortable. Her tone of voice had frequencies in it that made me uneasy. I thought it needed to be recorded so we could study the brain reactions of others. Years ago, my colleague and coworker Dr. Leonti Thompson saw a number of men who had killed their infants in a fit of rage. His research brought up several cases where tests had shown that the frequencies of infant cries triggered seizurelike activity in the temporal lobes, arousing feelings of anger. If the wife and husband in this case were to be scanned when the wife was talking to him, I wondered if we would see his temporal lobes fire abnormally in response to her irritating frequency.

I once scanned a man who lit his ex-wife’s house on fire at Christmastime. He was on trial for arson. His initial scan showed mild trouble in his left temporal lobe (an area of the brain associated with violence). Then, I scanned him while he listened to a message from his ex-wife. During this scan his mild left temporal lobe abnormality became severe, providing us with evidence that her voice triggered a negative reaction in his brain. Without the scans I would have never been able to see this connection.

The following story was contributed by my friend Barbara Wilson, a neurologist and pain specialist in Austin, Texas. The case illustrates how brain imaging and changes in brain function alter behavior, which may be positive or negative.

“I had a very nice man who had a facial tic. It was just on one side. He smoked a lot of pot because it made his headaches not as bad. I initially trained as a movement-disorder doc—and one-sided tics must be scanned for tumors, even if the rest of the physical exam is okay. I got into trouble for ordering the MRI—the guy was in an HMO and they figured he had tics for at least three years so no immediate testing was necessary—but I stuck to my training and ordered the scan. The patient had a large frontal lobe tumor with a little spot of calcified brain. In neurology that little calcified spot upsets one greatly because it indicates that the tumor probably started out as benign, which would have been cured if it had been taken out earlier.

The really interesting part of the story: His girlfriend and I had a long talk. She spoke of how much fun he was—not inhibited like other guys. He was such a “unique spirit—free, wildly sexual, and unreasonably happy with no rigid boundaries like most guys” she knew. … Basically she was in love with the personality of someone without much of a frontal lobe. The girlfriend was devastated that this special wonderful man was diagnosed with a severely life-shortening tumor. Ironically, if he had not had the tumor, his personality would not have been attractive to the girlfriend. Consistent with the effects of some brain lesions; the guy wasn’t that bothered by his impending death. Actually it kind of clarified things: He could just spend all his money on drugs since he didn’t need to worry about long-term wealth accumulation. I worried more about the girlfriend, destined to go through life looking for another guy with a frontal lobe tumor.

This story illustrates how our sexual lives are tied to brain function. Whether we are outgoing, uninhibited, uptight, or afraid has to do with the moment-by-moment function of the brain. Looking closely at brain function opens a new world of possibilities for explanations about behavior and potential treatment enhancers.

Lesson #5: Looking at the brain can enhance your love life
.

USE YOUR BRAIN BEFORE YOU GIVE AWAY YOUR HEART