The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (15 page)

Warning Signs of Trouble

“Know when to walk away, And know when to run.”

—“The Gambler,” KENNY ROGERS

H
ave you ever made stupid decisions about love? I mean really inane, insane, unbelievably stupid decisions. I have, and some of those decisions have turned out to be very painful. I am never someone who feels as though I have it all together, but in the past I have felt as though I was smarter than I acted regarding some of my romantic decisions. And I have been curious about these less-than-stellar decisions for a long time. Can neuroscience help us understand the decisions we make about love? Can it help us know when to hold someone, when to walk away, and when to run? Decisions about love can help extend your life; as a group, people who are happily married live longer. Decisions about love can also ruin your life, through emotional pain and bankruptcy, and, in some cases, end it through suicide or murder. Decisions about love have potential life and death implications.

Warning Signs Around the Oasis of Love

When we fall in love, many people experience what I call the Oasis Effect. Coming out of the desert of being alone and longing to be in a relationship that helps them feel more complete (as humans we are wired to be intimately connected to others), many people find that new love feels like an oasis of beauty and nourishment. When we fall in love, there is a large release of the bonding hormone oxytocin. This chemical has been found to increase our sense of trust, even in situations where perhaps we should be more cautious. Similar to the dusty, dirty, lonely, and thirsty desert traveler who is euphoric upon finding the oasis, falling in love feels unlike anything else, exciting, fulfilling, and satisfying. When first coming out of the desert, travelers are often so ecstatic to find the waters that they fail to see anything else. Their anxious state of euphoria causes them to overlook or ignore warning signs around the oasis, such as diseased animals. Those who have drunk from those same waters were sickened, evidence of the poison along the edges of the oasis. So, too, in love, when we come out of the desert of aloneness, we are often so happy, with love chemicals coursing through our brain, that we fail to see the trouble before our eyes, the metaphorical dead animals around the oasis of love. Here are two examples.

Eric

Eric and Becky were in a tumultuous marriage for ten years. Eric had thought about getting divorced for the last five years they were together. They had seen eight different marital therapists without much help. One day, after going to a friend’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, Eric decided he had had enough and saw an attorney. There was no way he wanted to stay in a marriage filled with distance and pain for fifteen more years. Even though the divorce was painful, Eric knew it was the right decision. In dating Becky, Eric had ignored many warning signs of pending trouble. Nowhere in school are people taught to notice problematic signs in a relationship. Becky had been severely sexually abused by an
alcoholic father. When dating Eric, she failed to tell him of the tension, turmoil, and abuse at home. Without psychological help to process the pain of an abusive past, intimate relationships for an abused person are usually impaired; even with help, it can be a long road. In dating again, Eric vowed it would be different next time and he would make better choices for himself. Yet, his next two relationships were filled with turmoil and pain, prompting Eric to come and see me.

In describing his relationship with Becky, Eric said it was like living in a desert. Becky was not only volatile, she was almost always sexually withholding. Eric said his sexual advances were rebuffed nine times out of ten and he lived in a chronic state of frustration.

His first relationship after his divorce was with a beautiful, smart, highly sexualized model, Monica. For the next eight months he felt happier than he had ever been, so he and Monica moved in together. Then the poison in the oasis started to make Eric sick. Eric and Monica started to fight. Monica spent money after agreeing not to, hiding it from Eric. Sex, which was free flowing in the beginning, was now being withheld. And Eric started to catch Monica in a series of lies. Even though there were several significant signs of trouble before they moved in together, the bliss of the sex and the hope of finding a lasting, healthy love blinded Eric to the reality of the situation. He failed to see the warning signs:

Monica had a young child who did not live with her, usually a sign of trouble.

One of Monica’s friends told Eric that she lied a lot and could not be trusted.

Monica’s oldest child told Eric that she had gone through six of her mother’s relationships and breakups, and that the last time she didn’t come home in order to avoid the fights.

Eric’s children always felt very uncomfortable around Monica.

In addition, Monica had posed nude for a famous photographer. Eric was fascinated by her ability to do this work without embarrassment. One of the nude photos hung in their bedroom. However, Monica wanted to put her second nude photo in the
living room. When Eric said no way (they both had children!), Monica had a huge fit.

Sex and hope for lasting love can cause blindness, even in very bright people.

After his breakup with Monica, Eric decided to take time off to discover what he really wanted in a relationship. He felt emotionally wrung out and had very good reason not to trust his own judgment. Then, through the Internet, Kate came into his life. He felt she was different. She was sweet, present, loving, and seemingly sincere. Even though the sex was routine, it was ever present, and she seemed emotionally healthier than Monica. It felt like another oasis, where the water was cleaner and more refreshing. But the warning signs were again ignored.

Both of Kate’s parents struggled with alcoholism.

Kate resented her father, whom she said loved her brothers more than her. This father-daughter dynamic usually causes women to resent other men they start to trust.

Kate had left two husbands, blaming them for the problems in the relationship.

She said upfront that she cheated the IRS and never reported her cash income.

The first few months of the relationship were great; then Eric and Kate went through a series of breakups and getting back together, which was always Kate’s idea. When things didn’t go her way, she left again.

Now the warning signs became flashing-red-neon signs. Still Eric ignored them:

Kate started pushing Eric to be more committed than he felt ready to be.

Kate never once said she was sorry or asked for forgiveness during any of their disagreements. It was always Eric’s fault.

Kate never seemed satisfied or happy with Eric. When they finally broke up for good, Eric felt as though he had fallen off a cliff. He was in such emotional pain that he felt as though his skin was being ripped from his body without any anesthesia. He couldn’t sleep for six months; he experienced crushing chest pain;
felt obsessed with the thought of Kate; had suicidal thoughts for the first time in his life; and despaired of ever having a healthy relationship.

That’s where I came in for Eric. He needed to do a better job at seeing those dead animals around the oasis of love. Make no mistake; Eric was a big part of his own trouble. He was drawn to women whom, like his father, were distant and disapproving. Unconsciously, he found these women the most exciting. He tended to avoid women who were happy with him. His anxiety and actions subtly encouraged these women to take advantage of him, such as providing significant financial support without clear guidelines on what he expected in return. He also tended to set them up to be perceived as critical like his father by being excessively hurt by their criticisms rather than being able to hear them and try to improve. The work in therapy was about seeing his role in the demise of these relationships and helping him see the warning signs around any potential new love so he could be more cautious when he gave his heart away.

Jennifer

Can you see the warning signs?

Through the Internet Jennifer met John for dinner on the day after Christmas. He was single, had never married, was forty-six years old, and had a history of short-term relationships. When he met Jennifer, he just melted. He said he could not even talk in her presence and did not want to be apart from her. That evening he invited Jennifer to go to Paris with him the next day, which she did not do. By New Year’s Eve they were talking up to eight hours a day, totally immersed in each other. From the moment he came back from Paris, ten days later, they were never apart for the next two months. Jennifer was totally taken with John. He was handsome, successful, highly intelligent, young minded, funny, charming, and independent. And, very important to Jennifer, he had the name John. For years, she was convinced that John was the name of her true soul mate. When they met, both of them dove right in without
holding back. Jennifer loved that he wasn’t afraid to love her. Little did she know about the pain that awaited her.

John was the most generous man Jennifer had ever met. If he gave her flowers, he brought four bouquets, not just one. He never went shopping for himself without thinking of her and buying her something. He was abundantly generous with his words and affection. He constantly talked about how much he loved her, how much he loved holding her, retelling the story of their meeting over and over again and how special and new this “feeling” was. He asked her to marry him within two weeks. He told her that she was the woman he had been waiting for. He had been waiting for “this feeling” and now knew why he had never married. Whatever was good, he’d reinforce by talking about it all the time. They talked for hours about how great their relationship was.

After two months, Jennifer decided she needed some space and would not sleep over at his house. John became irate. The relationship quickly started to unravel. He liked Jennifer when she was a sweet, soft, loving girl, but when she acted like the assertive woman she really was, he became angry and controlling. Their fights about their troubles went on and on. He had a challenged relationship with his own depressed mother, who often did not talk to him, which may have been why he needed to talk about problems for a long time. Initially, the relationship was so thrilling that Jennifer jumped in the water without hesitation. When the warning signs flared, she ignored them because she did not want to lose the hope of this new love.

Jennifer started to realize that everything had to be on his turf and his way or there was a huge power struggle. He was overly sensitive to her every move, gesture, tone, and mode of communication. If there was something Jennifer did that he didn’t like, she would hear about it for hours … basically until she recognized the error in her ways and repented. One night, after another fight, she went home. A few hours later John came over, violently banging on the door until Jennifer opened it. Then he got furious at her because she wasn’t excited to see him. They went into therapy, but after a few sessions the therapist saw it as hopeless.

The hope of love often blinds us to the reality of the situation. Losing hope is painful. Living in a mismatched relationship is usually much more painful than being alone.

Look Before You Drink

Before you give away your heart, use your brain. Notice the warning signs and any evidence that there will be potential trouble at the oasis of love. Never expect perfection, as there are very few perfect people in the world. But look for toxic symptoms. All of us have some trouble in our past; but how much and how severe is a score worth noticing. Here is a list of questions about potential new relationships to help you see any warnings.

• Do you often feel in trouble when you are with the other person?
  

• Is he or she disappointed in you a lot?
  

• Are you pushed to go faster than you are comfortable?
  

• Are your friends or family concerned about the relationship?
  

• Do you have a nagging, internal voice saying that there is trouble brewing?
  

• Are you ambivalent?
  

• Is there a past history of many short relationships? This indicates trouble committing or the constant need for someone new and exciting in his/her life.
  

• Is his/her behavior inconsistent?
  

• Does he/she blame everyone else for his/her problems?
  

• Does he/she have trouble telling the truth?
  

• Does he/she never apologize?
  

• Do his/her own children say negative things about him/her?
  

• Do your kids feel uncomfortable around him/her?
  

• Is there any drug abuse?
  

• Does he/she cheat the IRS?
  

• Are there temper problems?
  

• Does he/she act in a demeaning or belittling manner?
  

• Is there evidence of alcohol abuse?
  

• Do you lose yourself in his/her presence?
  

• Do you find yourself trying to mold yourself more and more to make him/her happy?
  

• Does he/she come forth with interest and then suddenly withdraw and become unavailable?
  

Taking a Brain Science History

When evaluating whether or not a person is a suitable partner for you, assess how his or her brain and psyche work. Can you really do this without a scan? Yes. Through the questions we ask ahead of time at the Amen Clinics, our historians are uncannily accurate in predicting what the brain scans of our patients are likely to look like. We assess brain function by asking the right questions. You can, too. I believe it is essential in dating to obtain extensive information on a potential mate before you give away your heart. Think about using your head to protect your heart.

What kind of questions should you ask? What follows is the outline of the major sections of the Amen Clinic Adult Intake Questionnaire that we use to take the histories of patients who come to our office for help. I will give you tips on how to gather this information and how to ask insightful questions. None of these questions need to feel intrusive. Do not ask them in rapid-fire succession, but rather weave them into the give-and-take of many conversations. Ask them over the first month of dating someone new. Write down their answers in private to obtain a detailed history and fill in the gaps as needed. Anyone who objects to this type of probing likely has something to hide.