The Burn (22 page)

The wee woman was giving me a frown.

Sorry, I said, I was away thinking about other things. Actually, to be honest, I was wondering, would you say my Uncle Boabby was a firm sort of guy, in your own experience, I mean to us boys he
aye seemed to be, the strong silent type and aw that, but maybe he wisni. Any comments on that?

She gave an ironic chuckle.

That surprises me, I said. And the reason it surprises me is because to the best of my knowledge it was my auntie who was the dominant figure in that particular household.

Mmm. She frowned. People are different with people; they’re basically chameleons as far as I’m concerned. It was the same when we stayed up in Perth, before him over there ruined
things.

She was pointing directly at da. I glanced sideways to see if anybody had seen. And there was the wife. We stared at each other.

To tell the truth me and her have always had a special relationship. I tend to know when she needs me and vice versa, just now was one such occasion. I fucking love her and that’s that. We
were just going through a bad feud at this point in time. The whole family was. I left the wee woman immediately and went to see if Mr 2000 was bothering her. He was a sharp big bastard in a mohair
suit, flash dresser, a lot of patter. A bit of a gangster in fact. His family were noted in the drugs and money scene round a certain side of the city. He had certain connections one is not able to
talk about. But it was easy to put a word in his ear. Come on, I said, whispering: This is a wedding, no a funeral, know what I mean, a wee bit of fucking respect.

He stepped back with a big smile: Boabby my man.

Aye, fucking Boabby my man!

I wisni meaning nothing.

Well ye know she’s the wife man eh?

Aye but I thought she came alone.

What?

He laughed and poked me in the ribs.

She came alone but she’s still my wife.

Can ye no take a joke?

Behave yerself for fuck sake ye’re a guest. I mean I dont even know who invited ye.

The other side, he says, I know yer cousin’s new wife’s people. I know them quite well in fact.

Aw aye?

Aye.

Aye well I knew it wisni fucking our side ye knew.

Naw. He smiled. Excuse me a minute will ye . . . He winked at my wife and left.

Did I see that? Bastard. Big fucking bastard. Kidding on he was relaxed about everything as well. I would have done him in a minute if I had felt like it. The wife had stepped a couple of paces
away from me now. She lifted a chicken drumstick and started nibbling at it; a dod of tomato sauce stuck to her upper lip. If you didni wear those bloody low-cut dresses, I whispered, smiling.

My dresses have got nothing to do with it.

Nothing to do with it! The tops of yer thingwis are showing.

It’s a wedding.

So what it’s a wedding, does that mean every man that looks at ye’s got to see yer bloody boobs?

You’re neurotic about my boobs.

I smiled. I brushed her left nipple. Remember when we got married, that night on our honeymoon.

Yeh yeh yeh, it was nice, ye were friendly. She knocked away my hand. Take yer paw off, she whispered.

Thanks o wife. I drew her into me. See that woman in the fur collar I’m talking to, I’m beginning to think her and the big brother have had an affair.

What?

Aye.

My wife smiled, she glanced at the wee woman who seemed to be engrossed in a world of her own. Naw, she said quietly, I dont think so.

Not only him my Uncle Boabby as well, the family hero, the guy I’m called after.

You’re havering.

I’m no havering, that’s what she’s been telling me. Plus my da’s got something to do with it.

Yer da?

Aye.

Mm.

Ever seen her before?

Never.

Neither have I. Think she might be a Sheriff Officer spy?

You’re bloody paranoiac. By the way, yer grannie wants ye to drive her home, she told me a wee while ago. I told her ye were drunk and incapable.

For fuck sake, imagine telling somebody’s grannie that.

Are ye?

Ye kidding? Yous fucking females man yous’ve planked the fucking booze.

Nonsense.

Anyway, I said, if she wanted me to drive her home she would have asked me hersel.

She’s been trying to. She’s been trying to attract yer attention. But you’ve been talking to
her
for the past hour.

What? Ye’re no serious . . . She’s in her bloody forties, maybe even fifties.

It never stopped ye before.

Take it easy baby.

Well, ye’ve done nothing but ignore me since we left the church, that’s how Tojo asked me to go for a drink.

Pardon?

If ye had been here like a husband’s supposed to.

Am I hearing right?

I had to put him off myself. And that’s no easy.

What d’you mean it’s no easy?

When ye’re in amongst a crowd like this.

You telling me he actually asked ye to go for a drink with him?

My wife smiled and turned away. She was wearing a beautiful dress and it clung to her. I put my hand on her bum.

Take yer paw off.

What d’ye mean I was ignoring ye? I never ignore ye as well ye know, I can never take my eyes off ye, I’m aye ogling ye for Christ sake. That’s how I clocked big fucking dyed
skull chatting ye up.

Tch.

Standing there trying to look down yer dress into the bargain. And you were letting him.

Dont be bloody ridiculous.

Well how come ye stood sideways? Ye can fucking see everything when ye do that.

Dont be so bloody stupit jealous.

I’m no jealous, ye kidding? – I dont actually care.

Naw, you dont care.

I dont. I took hold of her elbow and breathed into her ear. How come ye’re so truly beautiful? That’s what I really want to know.

There speaks a smug husband.

Thanks very much . . . I stared at her, then shook my head; I left her standing and made my way back to the window. I needed to be alone. The wee woman joined me. I told her I was sorry for
being away.

Oh that’s alright, she said.

It’s my wife I was talking to, we’ve been having problems recently, marital stuff.

It happens.

It bloody happens alright. What were ye saying about my brother again?

Yer brother?

I waited.

I wasni saying anything about yer brother.

Aw.

If you must know it was yer Uncle Robert.

And my da.

Och him, she said.

On ye go anyway, I said.

I dont want to talk about it anymore. Not in the present company.

D’ye mean me? Because it’s just me that’s listening.

Mm. Families are families.

Ye dont trust me in other words?

It’s not a question of trust.

I just want to know.

Sssh. She hit my hand.

I looked at her. I dont like people doing that.

Well no wonder. It’s what yer mother ought to’ve done years ago.

Is that a fact.

Dont be cheeky.

Did it come down to sex? I said, That’s what I want to know, cause the rest’s just fucking bullshit, know what I mean.

Sshhh.

Nobody cares in this company

That’s what you think.

They dont.

How do you know what people think? It strikes me you’re the kind that’s naive about relationships.

That’s a joke for a start.

Hh.

I stared at her. Christ missis ye can be hell of an irritating at times.

She smiled. She shook her head slowly. There was definitely something attractive in her. Even although she was wizened her face had firm outlines. I got a sudden notion of her body. I hadnt
thought about it before, but I could imagine it now. She would be one of these women that give ye a battering when they kiss ye on the mouth; right aggressive; hard as nails. Fucking hell.

Now she was frowning at something.

What is it? I said.

She whispered, Is that yer grannie?

What of it?

Thought so. What’s she doing here?

Pardon?

The wee woman was staring across the room at her.

She’s my cousin’s grannie as well. She’s got more right to be here than any of us, I mean it was her that fucking started it all.

Mm.

Do you know her like?

I havent seen her for years. She was watching us.

Watching us?

Yes.

Ach it disni matter, she’s blind as a bat. Anyway, she never minds what I get up to, I’m her blue-eyed boy

– which is true. I could sleep with every woman in Glasgow and she wouldnt mind. But she would mind if I stopped discussing

what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis, how I’m living my life generally. She enjoys hearing me speak. She lives in one of these sheltered housing places where it’s all old folk
and it drives her daft. So she likes to listen to the young folk. She says she doesnt but she does. Up to a point I’ve always confided in her.

I know about yer grannie, said the wee woman, she’s meanspirited.

I beg yer pardon?

It’s true.

Naw it’s no she’s an auld woman. Her view of life’s oldfashioned, she thinks men have got one thing on their mind and one thing only and she just puts up with it. As long as it
disni involve her. She stopped having sex when she was twenty-eight. She told me. She never liked it very much except one experience she had in her mid-teens when she worked on a farm and she met
this aulder guy who turned her on behind a haystack in the month of June. Apart from that no, it was just a chore to do with evolution. She’s an atheist but she’s got a humanitarian
outlook; if people want the world to continue and develop then fair enough, that’s her opinion, she’s no going to stop them, even although personally she’s a pessimist, I mean a
real one.

Is that yer wife over there?

D’ye want to have a word with my grannie like?

No thanks. I dont think it would be appropriate somehow . . . She spoke out the corner of her mouth.

Appropriate?

The big tall man with her. God he’s a beast . . .

What! I turned to follow her eyes. Bloody bastard! Soon as my back’s turned! Fucking Tojo, there he was, bending over her yet again. A mental age of twelve the bastard. Mind you but I mean
that’s how me and her were going through a bad feud at the present moment in time. Women dress the way they dress and it’s us get provoked. That’s the problem with summer weddings
as well, ye get all these females parading around with their bodies everywhere. The cousin’s wife man what a cracker! Fuck knows how he managed to get off with her, weedy wee cunt. A lassie
from Balornock. I used to see her quite a lot. She ran around with a team that thought they were heavy. One of them was a guy from the Milton I used to play football with. We knocked fuck out each
other at all grades, Boys’ Guild to the fucking Juveniles. I bumped into him recently in a pub up the town, he tried to click my ankles on the way to the fucking bar. What was I saying. The
new sister-in-law. When we were boys and that, playing football, her and her mates on the touchline, she used to wear these jeans and her figure was something to behold, it drove ye fucking potty
with that shirt blouse thing tied at the ends and her waist so slender and then the beautiful hips and the tight creases under her bum and at the front too like it would cause her extreme uncomfort
vagina-wise; that’s how women get thrush – but even now in her wedding-gown Christ almighty it hid everything and revealed everything because ye knew precisely what she looked like
below, there she would be standing in her bra and panties just I mean that’s all – silk too because it’s her wedding night and ye can imagine yer hand on the hem line it drives ye
fucking bananas.

But ye wonder how yer cousin gets off with women like that. When we were wee he wouldni say boo to a goose. Now he can patter any woman he meets. Wee fucking bastard so he is, smug wee cunt.
There’s a side of life that’s hard to work out. Sex is right at the root of it, it’s right at the very soul. That’s how I think my grannie’s got her head screwed on. I
just personally think she shouldni have given up on it when she was twenty eight which is only a year aulder than the wife.

I saw the cousin leave the room. Probably away to change out the bridegroom suit. I noticed as well before the cake was cut all the close relations, we were all lined up for the photographs, and
she was to give us all a kiss, the new bride, all the men; he wisni too pleased, ye could see it on his coupon, the cousin, trying to kid on he was hearty or somefuckingthing. The same when I got
her up to dance later on. We did one of these stupid waltzes and it wound up we were gonni chuck it because folk were looking and she was getting embarrassed. But they were just looking cause she
was the bloody bride. So we started doing one of them stand-on-the-spot-and-wiggle numbers, and her wedding dress man, beautiful, all silk and just fucking gorgeous, I got a semi immediately, I had
to leave the floor, and who’s staring at me, wee fucking weedy chops man the cousin, staring at me.

Fuck him.

Just nature anyway. Maybe he thought I was taking the piss cause I left her standing. Fucking eedjit.

A wee nephew came walking by in his kilt, pulling a clockwork lorry on a bit of string, a big piece of slabbery chocolate cake in his hand. I grabbed his shoulder. Heh you, get a plate for that
cake else it’ll fall on the carpet.

Uncle Boabby, he said, I need the toilet and there’s somebody

Well just wait at the door.

But there’s a big queue.

Well just bloody go to the front and skip in first.

I canni and I’m needing.

I’ll take him, said the wee woman.

– I had forgotten all about her. Ah he’s alright, I said, let him go himself.

I’ll take him, she said.

Look missis, the truth is you’re a bit of an interloper here I mean it’s a family deal know what I mean, know what I’m talking about?

There’s family and family.

Ye can say that again.

I’ll take the boy, she said.

Whatever ye like, I dont fucking care. I’m going for a pint anyway.