The Burn (8 page)

He stopped speaking. Then he said, I obviously only mean that as a for instance; I dont really think it – I mean how could I! Obviously I couldnt.

The way the invalid was staring at him, his eyes set, set fixed and firm.

Look, said Edward, I’m just trying to be honest. I dont know anything about industrial sabotage or industrial injuries, I dont know anything at all, if somebody has to suffer a terrible
horrendous agony just in order that others might go free, that’s just the same as happens to other people – it happened to Jesus Christ, He had to be crucified, so maybe it was like
what you’re saying, for the sake of the good of mankind as a whole, if that’s what you’re talking about, about somebody having to get killed instead of something else. Well
there’s other sins people have to atone for, it’s no always just your own. I think that’s a mistake a lot of folk make, especially males like us, men, I think we’re very
often mistaken at the very root of our own existence as human beings.

The invalid was squinting at him. He shook his head: I’m no following your drift.

Well look I mean you asked if I believed in God. I do, I really do. I stopped it for a while but now I’m back to having the faith. I feel on my best behaviour because of it and having
everything to overcome. The world’s just such a big place I find with people suffering the wide world over. I find it hard. You help the one person are you supposed to help them all? And then
how are you supposed to keep on living your own life into the bargain? Cause nobody helps you. Know what I mean? That’s all I’m saying, it’s no because you’re selfish, you
just dont have the power or the control except maybe a wee minuscule slice, and then you wind up getting squashed, just like a wee beetle – that’s what happened to a friend of mine . .
. when we were at college, he started to get involved in charity work for foreign countries and then he ended up in trouble.

You’re misjudging yourself young fellow.

Pardon?

I was beginning to guess that just after you came in. But there again it’s my own fault; I tend no to get things right either.

Edward scratched the side of his head.

And then you see I’ve got to trust whoever she trusts; my missis, I have to rely on her for my character judgments. Of course it’s this bloody thing here . . . ! He shook his head,
staring at the contraption. If it wasnt for it I’d be able to give more time to things, I’d be able to do my own thinking when it comes to getting things done, and that’s
what’s important. Ach . . . The invalid’s head drooped and he sighed.

Edward nodded, he studied the frayed bit of the carpet, how its wee threads were spread so very haphazardly and you could just reach down and straighten them out, get them into a neat wee row.
This was a memorable meeting but it wasnt nice at the time. He would always take pains to remember that. It was a promise. He had promised, and he would do it. Even when he would tell a friend
about how all this had happened he would make sure he added on about it not being nice when it happened, actually was happening at the time; it was very uncomfortable – not even the chair was
good to sit on and plus as well you had the very proximity of the old man, how him being an invalid meant you got this old smell which was really quite fuisty and you hate to say it but almost
nearly what you would call a stench, when you came to think about it, like as if he hadnt washed or perish the thought cleansed himself the last time he visited the toilet etcetera etcetera though
you dont like saying that because he was a genuine and good old guy that you had to respect for his integrity down through the years, him being involved in politics in an active way on the factory
floor, you had to really respect him. There was the door! Deborah! Deborah . . .

Oh Lord Lord Lord.

Edward had started up from the chair, he glanced this way and that; but whosoever was outside on the stair landing must have continued on to some other destination. He relaxed, settled himself
back on the chair again.

Where was she though? She was late. Usually she was on time, she was quite a precise person. In fact that was quite a good thing about her and fitted in with him; they were quite alike in that
sense, him also being a person who was quite precise or tried to be. That side of things was fine but not an especial plus, not in the selling line, it was definitely not an especial plus in the
selling line: you could be as late as you wanted as long as you knew how to close a sale.

Deborah:

He really thought she was a great lassie, really great. It was just she didnt have the best of manners. This bad habit she had of – it was like not having a sense of humour maybe, to do
with that – quite a nasty tongue even, in some ways, you had to admit it. Even her own mother said it about her, and that was something surely. And maybe as well, and it was terrible to say,
and it wasnt a criticism at all but just if she maybe just learned to wear better clothes, a wee bit more stylish, if the truth be told, maybe like Jeanette who was called Jinty by people. You
couldnt call Deborah anything like that. She didnt like him calling her Debbie for instance and Debs just sounded stupid

Edward got to his feet.

Because it was time to go. It really was time to go. He had all these bloody things to learn before morning came, never mind prepare his head for her, get his head right, get things sorted, get
the things worked out because of

God, he just didnt know what to do, he didnt, he didnt know what to do. He had no idea. He just had no idea. He was in a terrible state, situation, it wasnt something he didnt know how to get
out, what he could do, and she would be here she would be here, she would be here, she would be here

Just sit down a minute, the invalid commanded.

Edward shook his head.

Just for a minute.

I cant, I just cant.

You can.

I’ve got to go.

I’ve a need to tell you something. It’s a kind of confession.

Edward gazed at him.

I’ve got to talk things out with you.

But you’ve done that already, have you no?

No.

I thought you had.

Look young fellow talking it out in that certain way I’m meaning
is
a confession; that’s what a confession
is
. And I’ll know when I’ve done it, because you
always do, once you’ve made it you know you’ve made it. Your mind feels easy.

Edward paused. He was looking to say something. There was something he was to say and he was looking to say it, it was maybe to do with guilt, because he knew about that, a wee bit at least.
Although he was so much younger that didnt mean he didnt, because it was a thing you could feel even as a boy.

The invalid was waiting to speak.

Sorry, said Edward.

The invalid frowned and made a gesture with his hand: You see I’m no able to speak unless you’re willing to listen, you’ve got to be able to hear what I’m saying but
you’re no always willing to do that.

Yeh but Mister Parker I’m sorry eh it’s just that my fiancée’s due at any minute.

The invalid glanced at the door, then said, She’ll know where you are, Catherine’ll tell her.

Will she?

Aye, she’ll be back soon herself . . . And again the old invalid glanced at the door.

Edward nodded; he sniffed, breathed in deeply and raised his head, at the same time making a gulping noise like as if his adam’s apple was stuck, then the tears started in his eyes and he
was blinking to keep from crying.

What’s wrong?

Jees I’m just in awful trouble Mister Parker, awful trouble.

Sit down a minute.

Yeh but I’m just in so much trouble.

Sit down a minute then. Sit down. Maybe we can share it. Sometimes you share a problem you swop it, and in the swopping it gets lost.

Edward had his face in his hands.

Dont get yourself into a state . . . He leaned forwards, grasping Edward’s right shoulder: Edward’s a king’s name by the way, did you know that?

Edward shook his head.

Come on, at your age it cant be that bad, it’ll be a personal thing, personal things are easy. Just sit down a minute and tell me what it is. I was going to tell you mine so you can just
tell me yours – see! if you tell me I’ll tell you, that’s what I mean by a swop.

Edward dragged the cuff of his sleeve across his face, wiping his eyes as he sat down.

I’ll take on your problem if you’ll take on mine. You hear me out and then I’ll hear you out.

Yeh but . . . Edward now rubbed quickly at his eyes with the palms of both his hands.

In that way you see we’ll both have things into the open, we’ll have shared what’s troubling us . . . If I start worrying about your problems you start worrying about mine. You
get it?

Edward shifted on his chair enough to see the door. She was coming along the street, he knew it. There was no time at all now. He was sunk. What was he going to say to her because he couldnt
think of anything, and he wasnt clean. What could he do? He hadnt given it any thought, none, none, he was just relying on something, chance maybe oh more than that more than that he had been
praying, he had prayed for assistance, because he needed help, help, he needed help, help help help help please the Lord, oh God but he needed help from Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be
thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done

Edward closed his eyes and he put his hands next to each other, not clasping them.

I slept with my fiancée’s sister, he said. He raised his head, opening his eyes, but not looking at the invalid. I slept with her. I didnt mean to. I dont know what to do about it.
I just dont know.

Mm.

I’ve never done it before, never, it just bloody happened it was just bloody out the blue, I think maybe it was me with my head full, all the worries I’ve had cause of this damn
test, my job, the whole lot.

Mm.

Edward gazed at him. I just didnt mean it, it just happened.

Aye it’s a difficult one that.

Is it?

Questions of loyalty young fellow, they’re aye difficult.

Yeh, Edward sighed.

And she doesnt know?

What?

You’re wife’s no found out?

It’s no my wife it’s my fiancée; I’m no married.

Aw.

Edward paused, I suppose they’re the same really anyway, if you’re married or engaged. I am wanting to get married to her. In fact I actually asked her and she said no.

She said no?

Yeh. I asked her. Hh, she didnt want to.

Aw.

I dont know how. I thought it was good you know I mean I thought it was fine, but it wasnt, she just said no. It was a shock.

Oh well, aye. Had you been planning it for a while?

No, no really, I just actually popped it out one night. I hadnt thought of it happening, her saying no. I suppose it’s ego, you just dont think of it, you always think it’s you, you
always think you’ve got to make the decision. And that’s that. Then you find out it isnt, the other people have got their own minds, and what they say for themselves you dont find out
till you’ve asked . . . Eh . . . I know this is a personal question Mister Parker but I was wondering . . . I’m only meaning how it’s as though here we are meeting up with each
other at a time when we need a way out of a problem.

Edward paused. The old invalid had his hand raised and was waving:

Mine isnt really a problem, he said.

Oh.

It’s different to that.

I see.

But on you go anyhow and say what you were saying.

Edward wasnt going to but then he resumed talking. I dont mean like fate, he said, us meeting, because I know God doesnt arrange things just for our benefit in that way I mean that’s even
a bit like blasphemy to think that, I’m thinking more in the way you get led along a road, it’s like how you see a road in the country going over a hill in the distance where the fields
look rectangular with their hedgerows and you’re going to a village to do a bit of business and there’s no avoiding it even although you hate the very idea because the road leads you
there and you know you’re to have to grit your teeth but you’re used to that because that’s what you do all the time when you meet these clients even if they’re old and
valued ones I mean you’re always gritting your teeth anyway and then having to go and do it because that’s the way things are, you’ve always got to go straight in and start off
the chat as if it was the first time in your life. But maybe things are going to happen to you along the way. Maybe you start to get a blind panic settling in cause that can happen too, that can
happen too – it happens to me, sometimes. There’s all kinds of trials and tribulations. You see in some ways today has been awful bad for me. I’ll no bore you with all the sorry
details, it’s just personal stuff mainly, and maybe that kind of thing’s best not to get aired. You have to remember I’m younger than you I mean you know what like it is nowadays
anyway, folk just dont talk about serious things, they dont want to, they only talk about things like television and videos and football, rock bands, that side of things, media personalities and
high financiers, big businessmen, big fat-cats who work down the Stock Exchange in London, all these big high financiers who get the great big sums of money.

facilities young fellow

What you were saying there a wee minute ago . . . The invalid was staring at Edward. About the facilities, mind. Just tell us about them.

There was something in the invalid’s gaze and he turned swiftly to see Deborah. Deborah and the old woman. Both standing there just in from the doorway.

Deborah smiled briefly.

Hiya . . . Edward continued to sit, then he coughed and made to rise from the chair but didnt. For one split second he felt so comfortable and nervous at the selfsame moment he wanted to rush
straight across and take her by the hand and drop to his knees and ask her to marry him right there and then but something was stopping him and he felt like bursting out crying again because he
seemed to have failed he seemed to have failed and it was in so dramatically and so suddenly and in so unforeseen and unexpected a way it was just so amazing and so ultimately stupid, it was just
stupid, there was just something so up with him, something so just