The Butterfly Box (29 page)

‘I want you to stay,’ she said.

He sighed and pulled her against his warm body, wrapping his arms around her and breathing into her hair. ‘I can’t.’

‘Why can’t you?’

‘Because my home is Chile.’

‘Can’t you just stay for longer? You can write here. You don’t have to be in Chile. The joy about your work is that you can take it anywhere.’

He sighed again. ‘I can’t change,’ he said flatly.

‘Why can’t you, Ramon? Because you don’t want to?’

‘Because I can’t.’

‘But we’ve become friends again. We haven’t enjoyed each other like this for years. We’re getting to know each other again. No, let me finish,’ she said when he tried to interrupt her. ‘I thought I didn’t care about you any more, let alone love you. I felt this dead indifference and it scared me. I thought there was nothing left of our relationship. So I came home. I thought it was the only option. But I was wrong. I see that now and I pray that it isn’t too late. We can make it work, I really believe we can.’

‘But we’ll face the same problems we have always faced. It doesn’t matter where we are, our problems will follow us.’

‘I need you,’ she said, then swallowed because she heard the desperation in her voice and it frightened her.

‘You don’t need me, Helena. You need a life.’

‘But you didn’t want me to go, are you saying now you don’t want me back?’

‘I’m not saying anything at all. I’m just saying that we both need this time apart.’

‘Then you don’t want me at all,’ she said with resignation, ashamed that she

had declared herself so carelessly.

‘I want you, Helena.' he said and kissed her forehead. ‘I would make love to you now, happily. I have always enjoyed you.’

Then why don’t you?’

‘Because I’m not going to stay.’

‘Because you don’t desire me any more?’ she said, defeated.

‘Because the holes in our marriage are still there, Helena.’

‘The holes were made by me. I was confused. I was hurt. I felt dejected.’

‘You were right. You were dejected. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s changed at all.’

‘You said you loved me then,’ she choked.

‘And I do, but not in the way that you want to be loved. You want a man who can love you every day. I’ll be gone soon and then you’ll be left alone to feel dejected. I can’t help that.’

‘Then there really is no chance?’

‘Of what?’

‘Of trying again?’ she said, and her voice trailed off in humiliation.

Ramon stroked her hair and lay staring up into the darkness. He thought of

Estella and the confident way that she loved him. There was something very needy about Helena and he felt that old, familiar sense of claustrophobia suffocate him once again. He still loved her. But he couldn’t change her and as long as she enveloped him with her needy love he couldn’t love her in the way that she longed to be loved. He felt the wind of change blow outside his window and knew that it was time to leave.

The following morning Ramon came down to breakfast with his bags packed.

‘You’re leaving?’ said Helena tightly. Her headache had returned and she was filled with shame. She wished she could rewind the tape and erase the previous night. She could barely look into his eyes. When she did they were once more dark and impenetrable. She had gone too far and ruined everything.

‘I’m leaving,’ he replied, then sat down next to Federica.

‘You’re leaving?’ she stammered. ‘Now?’ She watched her father’s grim face nod at her sadly. Had she dreamed the night before when they had talked on the landing with such affection? She was certain they were falling in love again. How could it all have gone so wrong in one night? She didn’t understand.

‘Don’t be sad,
mi amor
.’ He touched her forlorn face. ‘I want you to write to

me and tell me how you’re getting on and what you’re doing. Don’t miss out a single detail.’ He wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb. ‘You be good and don’t cry, because I’ll be back very soon to see you.’

But Federica’s face crumpled into misery and she threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. ‘I don’t want you to go,’ she choked. ‘Please don’t go.’

‘I can’t stay for ever,
mi amor.
I’ll be back, I promise,’ he reassured her. ‘Remember to write to me,’ he added and kissed her wet face.

When he gathered Hal into his arms the child squirmed and cried out for his mother. Helena soothed him with gentle words and gathered him up, where he clung to her like a frightened monkey. Ramon didn’t pursue it. There was nothing more to say. He kissed Helena’s stony face, then he was gone leaving a feeling of emptiness in their hearts and a terrible sense of loss. Helena wondered when he’d come back. She had a premonition that it wouldn’t be for many years.

Federica ran upstairs and slammed her bedroom door behind her. She threw herself onto her Snoopy duvet and cried. How could he rush off like that with no warning? She had invested all her hopes in him. She was sure he was going

to stay. Besides, he had enjoyed it in Polperro. They had had fun. He liked the Applebys but most of all he had appeared to like her mother again. They had become friends. What went wrong? When she had tired of crying she pulled the butterfly box onto her knee and opened the lid. She stared down into the glimmering crystals and watched the butterfly extend her wings, changing from reds to blues as if in sympathy. In the mesmerizing shades of the ancient stones she hid from her unhappiness and the sudden sense of rejection that gripped her heart with cold claws. Slowly she lost herself in her memories that seemed to resonate in each tiny gem. She saw her grandparents on their balcony in Cachagua and Rasta running up Caleta Abarca beach. She saw the house where she used to live and then the wide open sea, she smelt the lavender and felt the sun on her face. Dizzy with the invasion of so many recollections she closed her eyes and drifted on her father’s love.

Chapter 19

Cachagua

It was just before Christmas that Mariana finally made the effort to visit Estella. A Christmas visit of goodwill. She would take her a silver necklace that she had bought in Santiago as a present. After all, it hadn’t been her idea to sack her. In fact, Mariana had done everything in her power to persuade Ignacio to keep her on. She had liked her and she was the first maid she had ever had who did the jobs without being asked and used her initiative without being prompted. Estella had been far too intelligent to reduce her talents to cooking and cleaning but she seemed to enjoy it.

Mariana had been forced to ask the ill-tempered Gertrude to find out where Estella was now living. She was unable to discover her whereabouts on her own, especially now that rumour had it that Estella was no longer living with her parents. Gertrude had been quick to point that out. She had added with glee that according to her cousin who lived in the same village as Pablo and Maria Rega, not even they knew where their daughter’s house was.

So Mariana had driven herself to Estella’s beach house, following the

directions that Gertrude had given her. The old woman had offered to accompany her but Mariana had graciously declined her offer with a shudder. She could barely spend more than five minutes in the maid’s company in her own home, let alone in the claustrophobic interior of a car. The thought of it made Mariana’s mouth curl downwards with distaste. Not only was Gertrude insolent but she also had a strange tendency to smell strongly of aniseed. Mariana was old fashioned and liked the parameters between employer and employee to be clearly defined. Gertrude hurled herself against those parameters without thinking and always caused offence. Ignacio dealt with her firmly by shouting at her to ‘know her place’, to which Gertrude responded with a scowl but also a reconfirmed sense of duty and commitment to her job.

When Mariana first saw Estella’s beach house she was immediately impressed by the size and quality and curious how a woman in her position could afford such luxury. It was built into the bank overlooking the sea and had the good fortune of being the only house for some distance. It was painted white with an American-style veranda and large green shutters to keep the interior cool in the summertime. The roof was thatched and the walls supported an abundance of sky-blue plumbago which had managed to weave its way over

the veranda where it hung down and fluttered in the wind like butterflies. Mariana had never suspected Estella’s errant lover to be rich. She had assumed he came from the same world as she did. She had been wrong.

The door was open and she could hear Estella singing inside and the cheerful gurgles of a baby. Mariana recalled Gertrude’s vicious comment about the monkey and smiled with satisfaction. That was most certainly not the noise of a monkey. She hesitated a moment before calling for Estella because she noticed evidence of the presence of a man. A man’s shirt hung on the back of the chair on the veranda and a pair of moccasins were placed by the door. Well, she thought, if he’s here I may as well meet him too. So she called out ‘Estella’ and waited.

Estella recognized the voice immediately and she stood rooted to the ground, stunned with panic. Ramon was in England yet all his belongings were scattered over the house. In the brief moment between Mariana’s call and Estella’s thin reply she tried to remember what items of Ramon’s were where and which would give him away. Finally she laid Ramoncito in his cradle and walked up the corridor to the door where Mariana was inching her way in, curious to cast her eyes about the house.

‘Señora Mariana, what a surprise,’ said Estella firmly, attempting to hide the tremor in her voice. ‘Let’s talk outside, it’s very hot in here,’ she said, ushering her former employer out onto the veranda. Mariana was disappointed. She had wanted to see the house. But her good manners prevented her from requesting a tour.

‘I’m sorry I came unannounced. Are you alone?’ she asked.

Estella noticed her eyes rest on the pair of shoes by the door. ‘Yes, I’m alone,’ she replied casually. ‘Please, sit down and make yourself comfortable.’ She gesticulated to the chair with the shirt hanging off it. Estella removed the incriminating item and placed it inside the front door along with the shoes. Mariana noticed everything and wondered why she was so embarrassed. Then it suddenly occurred to her that perhaps the man sharing her house was not the father of her child.

‘I see you are quite happy,’ said Mariana tactfully. ‘You have a beautiful house.’

‘Thank you, Señora Mariana.’

Mariana noticed how nervous the girl was and concluded that it was only natural after Ignacio had so brutally asked her to leave his employment. ‘I’m so

sorry about your job,’ said Mariana, desperately trying to put the girl at her ease. ‘Ignacio can be very insensitive. He doesn’t mean to. It’s his way. But not everyone understands him like I do. Are you being taken care of?’ It was a clumsy question but Mariana couldn’t resist. Estella stiffened and her eyes lowered as if she were ashamed to look at Mariana directly.

‘I am very content,’ she replied simply.

‘You have a little baby now. A boy?’ Estella nodded and she smiled without restraint. ‘He’s obviously giving you a lot of pleasure. I adored every one of my eight children and grandchildren,’ she sighed. ‘Grandchildren give me the same pleasure all over again.’ Then she thought momentarily of Federica and Hal and her eyes misted. ‘What is he called?’ she asked, deliberately forgetting her own melancholy.

Estella’s cheeks burnt with guilt. She could tell the truth and risk suspicion or she could lie. She raised her eyes to Mariana’s and decided that lying was without doubt the only option.

‘I have not decided yet,’ she said, looking steadily at the other woman in an effort not to appear shifty.

Mariana was surprised. ‘You haven’t decided yet?’

‘No.’

‘Well, you must call him something!’

‘I call him Angelito. My little angel,’ she said quickly.

Mariana smiled. ‘Angel. That’s a nice name,’ she said, but her intuition told her that something wasn’t quite right.

‘I’m glad things turned out well for you. Last summer I was very worried.’

‘Me too.’

‘But you have a lovely house, a little boy and’ - she hesitated but then threw aside her reservations and continued without inhibition - ‘you have a man to take care of you.’ She watched as Estella’s face burned again and her eyes shone awkwardly. ‘Don’t worry, my dear, I’m not prying,’ she reassured her quickly, thinking of Gertrude and wishing that she hadn’t gone so far. ‘I don’t need to know who he is, it just makes me happy that you’re happy. I am very fond of you, Estella, and it gave me much grief to see you suffering. You’re a good girl and you didn’t deserve to be treated with such callousness. There are plenty of girls who deserve that sort of treatment, but not you, you’re a cut above them. I wanted to tell you that if you ever need anything to come and see me. I’ll always try to help you in any way that I can. A reference perhaps or

advice. I’m here to talk to if ever you need someone who’s detached from your family. An outsider. I would only be too happy.’

She watched Estella’s face relax and the colour drain away again as her embarrassment was replaced with gratitude. ‘You’re very kind, Señora Mariana. A girl like me is very lucky to have a protector like yourself. I’m very privileged and I thank you,’ she said, wondering how Mariana would feel if she knew they were Ramon’s shoes in the doorway and Ramon’s shirt that had hung over the back of the chair. Estella doubted she would offer her protection if she knew her son was committing adultery with a lowly maid.

Mariana rose to leave. She swallowed her curiosity and restrained herself from asking to see inside the house. But before she left she felt it wasn’t unreasonable to ask for one thing. ‘Estella, I would dearly love to see Angelito,’ she said.

Estella went pale. ‘Angelito,’ she repeated.

‘Yes. If it’s not too much bother. He’s obviously a good baby as he hasn’t made a squeak.’

‘He is a good baby. But he might be asleep,’ said Estella, trying to make excuses.

Then I can come and take a peek. I won’t wake him,’ she insisted.

Estella had no choice. If Mariana came into the house she would no doubt recognize her son’s belongings. ‘No, I’ll go and get him and bring him out here,’ she replied quickly, retreating into the house. Mariana thought her behaviour most strange. If her child had really been a monkey she would have reacted in the same way. For a brief moment Mariana wondered whether there was perhaps something wrong with the child. If the child was in some way deformed it was quite wrong of her to insist on seeing it. But before she had time to tell Estella not to worry, the young woman appeared out of the shadows carrying a small bundle in her arms. Mariana felt an itchy heat crawl about the skin on her neck and prepared herself for the worst.

Estella hoped that Mariana wouldn’t recognize her son in Ramoncito’s conker eyes and languid smile. But when she saw the baby blinking up at her sweetly Mariana’s face opened like a flower and a wide, genuine smile swept across it expressing her delight.

‘He is quite the most beautiful baby, Estella. Can I hold him?’ she enthused, pressing her hands against her cheeks in wonder. ‘Adorable, completely adorable,’ she sighed, taking the child from his mother and pressing him

against her bosom. Estella smiled too, relieved that grandmother hadn’t recognized grandson and she was able to breathe again.

Mariana sat back down in her chair while the baby smiled happily up at his grandmother. Estella brought out a tray of iced lemon and the two women sat under the plumbago and talked about the baby. ‘He is so like you, Estella. Such a pretty baby. Look at his long eyelashes and dark eyes. He’ll be breaking hearts all over Chile. Won’t you, Angelito?’ she clucked, gently rocking him.

‘He’s a good baby. He rarely cries,’ said Estella proudly.

‘I bet he eats well, too.’

‘He does. He’s growing so quickly.’

‘I can see.’

‘I love being a mother. I have a purpose in my life now. I feel needed,’ said Estella thoughtfully.

‘Motherhood is a wonderful thing. It changes your life for ever. Suddenly there’s this little person who needs you more than anyone else in the world. He’s from your own body. Imagine that bond, how strong it is. He’s a part of you and even when he’s grown up and gone he’s still connected to you, because you made him, gave birth to him and suckled him.’

‘You’re so right,’ agreed Estella and she told Mariana about how she felt when he was growing inside her.

The two women began to talk as equals about the duties of a mother, the joys and the sorrows that were the two sides of the privilege of motherhood.

‘We feel their pain and their pleasure. We can’t help it. It’s our lot,’ said Mariana, remembering Ramon and the breakup of his marriage. ‘But they are individuals and have to make their own choices. We can only advise and be there when things go wrong. But I would never change any of it for a second. Motherhood is the most wonderful gift of life, and I’m very fortunate to be a woman,’ she said and smiled at Estella.

‘Me too,’ Estella replied, smiling back.

When Mariana finally got up to leave the midday sun was high in the sky. She looked at her watch and realized that she had been there for well over an hour and a half. ‘Goodness me, look at the time!’ she exclaimed, handing the child back to his mother. ‘Angelito must be hungry.’

‘He’s always hungry. I think he’s going to be a big boy,’ she said, kissing his forehead tenderly.

‘Thank you for letting me see him,’ said Mariana gratefully. ‘He really is very

dear.’

‘It was a pleasure,’ Estella replied. Thank you for coming.’

Mariana was no more than ten steps from the house, reflecting on the delightful baby Angel, when she put her hand in her pocket and felt the silver necklace she had bought for Estella. She sighed in frustration at her own forgetfulness and turned back. Estella had disappeared inside, leaving only the wings of the plumbago flowers to flutter about the walls of the beach house in the cool sea breeze. Mariana stood once again in the frame of the door, uncertain whether to knock or walk straight in. She smiled with tenderness as she heard the excited tones of Estella playing with her child.

‘Ramoncito, my little angel. Ramoncito,' she laughed as the baby squeaked and gurgled back.

Mariana’s smile slowly slipped off her face. She held her breath as the blood drained from her head to her feet, fixing her to the ground when all she wanted to do was run away as fast as her old legs could carry her. When Estella repeated his name Mariana was left in no doubt that she had heard correctly and arrived at the right conclusion. With great effort she turned as quickly and as quietly as she could and hastily made her way back to the car, her temples

throbbing with the sudden sporadic appearance of thousands of unpleasant images.

Once inside she sat behind the wheel with her heart thumping like a maddened bat inside her breathless chest, as if she had just witnessed a murder. With a trembling hand she turned the key in the ignition. It was only when she was on the open road that she began to breathe again. The father of Estella’s child was none other than her own son, Ramon. There was no doubt about it. It all made complete sense. The camera in her mind had at once been turned into focus and she could see clearly the events of the summer before. Estella’s lover had been Ramon. He had seduced her, impregnated her then left her. That sort of callous, irresponsible behaviour was not limited to the lower classes, as Ignacio had maintained, but to their own flesh and blood. Mariana was repelled by the thought of adultery. They were clearly living together; Estella couldn’t afford a house like that. Now she understood the girl’s reluctance to show her the baby and her unease. Ramon’s possessions littered the house. Mariana thought of Helena and her children and suddenly felt consumed with resentment and regret. When her old eyes welled with unhappiness she was forced to pull the car up on the side of the road and give way to her tears. She

couldn’t understand Ramon. But she loved him and tried desperately to justify his actions. She blamed Helena for driving him into Estella’s arms and Estella for being too beautiful for him to resist. But her arguments paled in the light of her reasoning, which told her Ramon was guilty. He was a victim of his own selfishness. He wilfully sacrificed everything he loved for a vacuous freedom, which would inevitably leave him lonely and full of regret. He would leave Estella too.

By the time Mariana returned home she had decided not to tell Ignacio. She had also decided to look out for Estella. The girl didn’t know it yet, but she would need support.

Mariana knew her son better than anyone.