The Campus Trilogy (55 page)

‘You bettcha! They’re some of the most successful
departments
in the university. Now you must call me Alf,’ he said. ‘We’re going to see a lot of each other in the future.’ He glanced at his watch and heaved himself off the sofa. Then he turned to Victoria and smiled. I could sense another blast of Australian charm coming through.

‘You’re obviously your father’s daughter,’ he said, ‘and I want to make you a sporting proposition. I’ve got a cracker of an idea … I know you’re quite an expert on art and antiques and
suchlike
. I’ve seen your pieces in
Country Life
. As part of our
programme
of continuing education, we’re planning to run a series of talks for the local community. I thought a set called “Make a Fortune from Your Old Junk” would go down a treat. Perhaps you’d even consider holding it in the drawing room here, that’d pull in all the old pussies of the precincts. And then you could have an Antique Roadshow evening with some celebrity or other. I’m sure Harry here would let you use the Chapter House and you could invite a panel of experts. We’d give them all a free dinner at Flanagan’s and of course pay all their travel expenses. People could bring their rubbish for you to value. They’d love that. Perhaps we could even have an auction. The Business Studies department would organise it for you. Twenty per cent of the proceeds to the university, that sort of thing. I’m sure you’d enjoy it!’

Victoria took a deep breath, but before she could utter a word, the Vice-Chancellor was looking at his watch again.’ Well that’s settled then! My secretary will be in touch. I’ve got to go to a Council meeting. Let them all have their say and then do exactly what I was going to do anyway, that’s the ticket …,’ he said as he headed for the front door. He bounced off in the direction of the Trinity Gate. As he passed, he directed a sly kick in the direction of Marmaduke who was occupied in tossing a disembodied squirrel leg into the air.

For the rest of the week, Victoria was busy organising the house and ordering new curtains and carpets. I met with the Canons of the cathedral and was preoccupied with ecclesiastical problems. I realised from my first meeting with the Chapter that the Precentor, Percival Samuel was terrified of the Senior Canon, Reg Blenkensop. Blenkensop in his turn bullied the Precentor mercilessly. Officially the Precentor was responsible for the cathedral music. He was a willowy young man who seemed much attached to the works of Hindemith and Messiaen. In contrast, Canon Blenkensop insisted that the only composers worth having were Handel and Elgar, although he was prepared
to make a concession occasionally for the works of Bach. They quarrelled about it ceaselessly and it was clearly a delicate situation.

On my first Sunday, I preached a sermon at Matins and was delighted to see a number of old friends at the service. I did notice, however, that despite the Precentor, the anthem was by Handel. Cleo and Brutus were becoming used to their new home, but did not dare venture outside. Marmaduke spent much of his time sitting on a bench in our front garden, glaring at our cats whenever they had the temerity to look out of the window. Occasionally, a passing tourist would take his photograph. He would stop whatever he was doing, present his best profile to the camera and give a self-satisfied smirk.

On the Monday, the day of our lunch with the Vice-Chancellor, the sun was shining. Magnus had telephoned us to say that he was to be of the party and we arranged to meet him outside the restaurant. When we arrived at the university, we parked our car by the old Victorian red brick brewery. Over the front door was a large sign with ‘Flanagan’s’ in big letters and a logo of an
academic
wearing a mortar board. If Alf Flanagan had been its model, it was certainly a flattering portrait. Magnus was waiting for us by the main entrance.

We found Flanagan in the entrance lobby and he led the way up a flight of stairs to the dining room at the top of the building. A youthful waiter wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with the same logo led us to our table which had a splendid view of Old College with the cathedral spire in the distance. The seats were comfortable, the room was busy, and the young staff seemed attentive. ‘Well, what d’you think?’ asked our host.

Victoria and I looked at each other. ‘It’s delightful, Alf,’ I said. ‘It’s just hard to think of it as an academic part of the university.’

‘Gotta move with the times.’ Alf Flanagan was in a jovial mood. ‘If you stand still nowadays you go under. I’m sure it’s just the same in your cathedral. Can’t keep doing the same old thing!’

As a follower of a religion which had lasted two thousand years, I was not sure about this. Still, I was now Visitor of St
Sebastian’s University by virtue of my position as Provost of the cathedral and it was my duty to support the Vice-Chancellor.

Alf Flanagan was enjoying himself. ‘Actually the Brewery has been a godsend. Not only does it provide premises for Brewing Technology, Catering and the restaurant, we use the European grant to finance all the university’s sporting activities. I’ve
developed
our golfing and swimming facilities to a near-Olympic
standard
and we now offer Sports Studies as an undergraduate degree and various diplomas in Professional Golf, Pool Management, Life Saving and Sports Coaching. You see one thing leads to another … We now attract students from all over the world, all paying full foreign students’ fees. And of course the Dance department has gone from strength to strength since we added Artistic Dance to our other programmes …’

‘What on earth is Artistic Dance?’ asked Victoria. ‘I thought all dance was meant to be artistic.’

Magnus giggled while Flanagan became a little evasive. ‘Oh it’s an American speciality,’ he said. ‘But,’ he got back into his stride, ‘the biggest area of growth is Celebrity Studies. That’s another part of the Entertainment Faculty located in the Old College.’

‘Place is full of students. We’ll be like Arrowsmith Teacher Training College soon,’ Magnus complained.

‘Of course it’s full of students,’ the Vice-Chancellor beamed. ‘That’s what a university is for! To attract students! To spread culture and learning! Here at St Sebastian’s applications have quadrupled in the last three years.’

‘The noise!’ Magnus moaned. ‘And the people! It’s
unbearable
.’ Looking over the menu he ordered a deluxe hamburger with cheese and mushrooms and a double-portion of chips.

‘Now you must try Flanagan’s Finest. That’s the main point of the place, after all,’ said the Vice-Chancellor as he signalled to a waitress. She brought over a large pitcher and four glasses. After he had poured out, he picked up his glass and made a toast. ‘To my new Visitor and his charming wife,’ he said. ‘Let this be the beginning of a prosperous alliance!’ I looked at Magnus who sniggered.

The following week I was invited out to lunch again. This time it
was to the university Senior Common Room and Magnus was to be my host. He had also asked an old friend, Felix Glass. Felix had been a senior lecturer in philosophy when I was a member of the staff. He was an expert on the work of the great German Immanuel Kant and, as my views on ethical theory were not exactly the same as his, we had enjoyed many stimulating
discussions
over the years.

Things had changed while Victoria and I had been in the United States. As a result of Alf Flanagan’s cost-cutting strategies, the
Philosophy
department had been closed and it looked for a time as if Felix would lose his job. However, to everyone’s astonishment, he had turned his attention to fiction and had published two
successful
campus novels both loosely based on St Sebastian’s. The first,
A Campus Conspiracy
, was actually inspired by my original
difficulties
at the university – though if Magnus had not let me in on the secret I am not sure I would have recognised myself. The second,
Degrees ‘R’ Us
, was a sequel and focussed on Felix’s own
problems
at the time of the closure of his department. Magnus was a prominent character in both volumes and held out hopes that they would be taken up by Hollywood and that he would be invited to play himself. He had already practised his Oscar acceptance speech. In any event, both books had done surprisingly well and had had glowing reviews in national newspapers.

The Senior Common Room, panelled in dark oak, was located at the far end of the Old College. Magnus and Felix were standing in the queue when I arrived, and they both ordered cheese
sandwiches
, crisps, and packets of biscuits. Magnus bought a bottle of Muscadet for us all. This was another change. There was certainly no alcohol for sale in the days when I was the Professor of Christian Ethics, but Felix told me that the sale of wine was another commercial enterprise of the Vice-Chancellor. Indeed I saw several of my old colleagues enjoying bottles of Flanagan’s Finest with their lunches. As always, I was concerned about my expanding waistline. I selected a tuna sandwich and an apple. They looked rather austere on the university plain white plates, but I tried not to look wistfully at my friends’ crisps and biscuits.

We chose places in the corner where we could talk
uninterrupted
. At the next table were a couple of law lecturers whom I dimly remembered, but they were absorbed in their newspapers
and did not notice me. I turned my attention to my companions. ‘So how are you Felix?’ I asked.

‘He’s just been promoted,’ said Magnus coyly. ‘He’s now Professor Glass.’

‘Really?’ I said. ‘How splendid! When did that happen?’

Felix looked embarrassed as he explained that he was not exactly a professor of philosophy.

‘What then? Philosophy’s your subject. Don’t tell me you’ve been seduced into Brewing Technology or something …’

‘Well, as you know, I was rescued from redundancy by
agreeing
to head the Vice-Chancellor’s Entertainment Faculty. The academic programme is divided into three faculties now. Humanities, Social Science and Entertainment. Entertainment is by far the biggest.’

I shook my head. I tried to imagine what my old tutor at Cambridge would have said to this programme. He had been appalled when I switched from Classics to Theology at the end of my second year on the grounds that Theology was not really an academic subject, at any rate not as compared with Classics and Mathematics.

‘But I managed to persuade Alf Flanagan to let me continue to teach philosophy to small groups of interested students.’ Felix went on. ‘I didn’t just want to be an administrator. And I must say, I’ve had some very good undergraduates …’

‘So why can’t you be the Professor of Philosophy if the subject is still taught?’ I asked.

‘Well … it’s all rather embarrassing …’

‘Ask him what he’s now called,’ Magnus grinned

‘I’d rather you didn’t.’ Felix squirmed in his seat.

‘Tell us, Felix. I’m sure there’s nothing to be ashamed of. After all, a Chair’s a Chair …’

‘It’s all a big mistake.’

‘A mistake?’

‘Well, it really doesn’t make sense.’

‘Go ahead, Felix,’ Magnus prompted.

‘All right, all right! I’m the Immanuel Kant Professor of Entertainment!’ Magnus dissolved into giggles.

‘You can’t be!’ I said.

‘Well,’ Felix said, ‘Flanagan insisted. What he really wanted
was for me to be the Walt Disney or the MGM Professor of Entertainment and he wrote around trying to get a massive endowment from the studios. As it happens, Hollywood isn’t finding things too easy at the moment so that came to nothing. So the compromise was he allowed me to be the Immanuel Kant Professor provided it was made clear that it was for
entertainment
rather than philosophy. And it’s understood that if he does find some sucker to give the money, then poor old Kant will have to be dropped.’

‘It could be a lot worse,’ consoled Magnus. ‘Think if you were the Frodo Baggins or the Harry Potter Professor of Entertainment. Flanagan is quite capable of that sort of whimsy.’

‘I know,’ said Felix grimly. ‘I live in dread …’

Magnus looked through his post as Felix told me about the growth of his faculty and the changes that had taken place in the university since I had left. All the new departments belonged to Entertainment. There was now Dance, Drama, Fashion, Film, Sports Studies, Travel and Tourism, Catering, Celebrity Studies and, of course, the notorious Brewing Technology. In effect the whole institution had been reorganised and there was no doubt that it was financially booming.

‘But I don’t understand,’ I protested. ‘All this reorganisation takes time. It’s complicated. All the new degrees have to be approved by the central higher education Quality Control Agency. You have to have armies of qualifed external examiners to make sure that your standards are the same as that of degrees in the more conventional subjects. How have you got all this organised so quickly?’

Felix squirmed again. ‘I worry about that every day. To be
honest
nothing is properly in place. Flanagan insisted that we started and took in students as soon as ever we could and preferably before that. At present we rely on a very cursory system of
moderation
because we simply do not have enough external
examiners
and Flanagan won’t give us enough money to pay for them.’

‘But what are you going to do?’ I persisted. ‘I understand there’s to be a quality inspection later this academic year. You’ve got to get it organised before then.’

‘I know, I know!’ Felix wiped his mouth with his
handkerchief
. ‘I go on about this to the Vice-Chancellor whenever I meet
him. But he’s incredibly good at ignoring problems and he refuses to discuss anything. He keeps referring me to Mrs Sloth who’s the new Quality Control Officer in the university.’

‘Jenny Sloth, the wife of the Registrar?’ I asked.

‘The very same …’ Felix sighed.

Christian charity temporarily failed me. ‘But she couldn’t run a booze-up in a brewery,’ I said.

‘And she can’t see the necessity for an external examiner for Brewing Technology and, in any case, she has already lost the documentation three times!’ remarked Magnus brightly.