The Canongate Burns (98 page)

Madam,

Wi' braw new branks in mickle pride,
fine, bridle, much

        And eke a braw new brechan,
also, fine, collar

My Pegasus I'm got astride,

        And up Parnassus pechin;
panting

5
Whyles owre a bush wi' downward crush,
sometimes over

        The doited beastie stammers;
half-stupid

Then up he gets, and off he sets,

        For sake o'
Willie Chalmers.

I doubt na, lass, that weel kend name
not, well-known

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        May cost a pair o' blushes;

I am nae stranger to your fame,
no

        Nor his warm-urged wishes.

Your bonie face sae mild and sweet,
so

        His honest heart enamours,

15
And faith ye'll no be lost a whit,
fragment

        Tho' wair'd on
Willie Chalmers.
bestowed

Auld Truth hersel might swear ye're fair,
old

        And Honour safely back her,

And Modesty assume your air,

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        And ne'er a ane mistak her:
one

And sic twa love-inspiring een,
such two, eyes

        Might fire even holy Palmers;
pilgrims

Nae wonder then they've fatal been
no

        To honest
Willie Chalmers.

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I doubt na Fortune may you shore
not

        Some mim-mou'd pouthered priestie,
prim-, powdered

Fu' lifted up wi' Hebrew lore,
full

        And band upon his breastie;
breast

But oh! what signifies to you

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        His lexicons and grammars;

The feeling heart 's the royal blue,

        And that's wi'
Willie Chalmers
.

Some gapin' glowrin' countra laird,
big-mouthed, staring

        May warsle for your favour;
struggle

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May claw his lug, and straik his beard,
scratch, ear, stroke

        And hoast up some palaver.
cough, story

My bonie maid, before ye wed

        Sic clumsy-witted hammers,
such, dunces

Seek Heaven for help, and barefit skelp
bare-foot, run

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        Awa wi'
Willie Chalmers.

Forgive the Bard! my fond regard

        For ane that shares my bosom,
one

Inspires my Muse to gie'm his dues,
give him

        For deil a hair I roose him.
not, rouse

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May Powers aboon unite you soon,
above

        And fructify your amours, —

And every year come in mair dear
more

        To you and
Willie Chalmers.

Friday first's the day appointed

By our Right Worshipful Anointed,

        To hold our grand Procession,

To get a blade o' Johnie's Morals,
screed

5
An' taste a swatch o' Manson's barrels,
drop

        I' th' way of our Profession:

Our Master and the Brotherhood

        Wad a' be glad to see you;
would all

For me, I wad be mair than proud
would, more

10
        To share the MERCIES wi' you.

                If Death then wi' skaith then
harm

                        Some mortal heart is hechtin,
menacing

                Inform him, an' storm him,

                        That SATURDAY ye'll fecht him.
fight

Farewell, old Scotia's bleak domains,

         Far dearer than the torrid plains,

Where rich ananas blow!
pineapples

         Farewell, a mother's blessing dear!

5
A brother's sigh! a sister's tear!

         My Jean's heart-rending throe!

Farewell, my Bess! tho' thou 'rt bereft

         Of my paternal care,

A faithful brother I have left,

10
         My part in him thou'lt share!

                  Adieu too, to you too,

                           My Smith, my bosom frien';

                  When kindly you mind me,

                           O then befriend my Jean!

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What bursting anguish tears my heart;

From thee, my Jeany, must I part!

         Thou, weeping, answ'rest — ‘No!'

Alas! misfortune stares my face,

And points to ruin and disgrace,

20
         I for thy sake must go!

Thee, Hamilton, and Aiken dear,

         A grateful, warm adieu:

I, with a much-indebted tear,

         Shall still remember you!

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                  All-hail, then, the gale then,

                           Wafts me from thee, dear shore!

                  It rustles, and whistles,

                           I'll never see thee more!

In Truth and Honour's name — AMEN —

Know all men by these Presents plain: —

This fourth o June, at Mauchline given,

The year 'tween eighty five and seven,

5
We, Fornicators by profession,

As per extractum from each Session,
extracted

In way and manner here narrated,

Pro bono Amor congregated;
for the sake of love

And by our brethren constituted,

10
A COURT OF EQUITY deputed. —

WITH special authoris'd direction

To take beneath our strict protection,

The stays-out-bursting, quondam maiden,
pregnant, erstwhile

With GROWING LIFE and anguish laden;

15
Who by the rascal is deny'd,

That led her thoughtless steps aside. —

He who disowns the ruin'd Fair-one,

And for her wants and woes cares none;

The wretch that can refuse subsistence,

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To those whom he has given existence;

He who when at lass's by-job,
vagina

Defrauds her wi a frig or dry-bob;
mere play, no climax

The coof that stands on clishmaclavers
fool, nonesense

When women haflins offer favors: —
partly

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All who in any way or manner

Disdain the Fornicator's honor,

We take cognisance thereanent,

The proper Judges competent. —

First, POET BURNS he takes the chair,

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Allow'd by a', his title 's fair;

And pass'd nem. con. without dissension,

He has a DUPLICATE pretension. —

Next, Merchant SMITH, our worthy FISCAL,

To cow each pertinaceous rascal;

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In this, as every other state,

His merit is conspicuous great:

RICHMOND the third, our trusty CLERK,

The minutes regular to mark,

And sit dispenser of the law,

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In absence of the former twa;
two

The fourth our MESSENGER AT ARMS,

When failing all the milder terms,

HUNTER, a hearty, willing brother,

Weel skill'd in dead
1
and living leather. —
vagina

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Without PREAMBLE less or more said,

We, body politic aforesaid,

With legal, due WHEREAS, and WHEREFORE,

We are appointed here to care for

The interests of our constituents,

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And punish contraveening truants,

Keeping a proper regulation

Within the lists of FORNICATION. —

WHEREAS, our FISCAL, by petition,

Informs us there is strong suspicion,

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You, Coachman DOW
2
, and Clockie BROWN,
3

Baith residenters in this town;

In other words, you, JOCK, and SANDY,

Hae been at wark at HOUGHMAGANDIE;
sexual intercourse

And now when facts are come to light,

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The matter ye deny outright. —

FIRST, YOU, JOHN BROWN, there's witness borne,

And affidavit made and sworn,

That ye hae bred a hurly-burly
have

'Bout JEANY MITCHEL'S tirlie-whirlie,
vagina

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And blooster'd at her regulator,

Till a' her wheels gang clitter-clatter. —
go

And farther still, ye cruel Vandal,

A tale might even in Hell be scandal!

That ye hae made repeated trials

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Wi' drugs and draps in doctor's phials,

Mixt, as ye thought, wi' fell infusion,
deadly

Your ain begotten wean to poosion. —
own, child, poison

And yet ye are sae scant o' grace,
so

Ye daur to lift your brazen face,
dare

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And offer for to take your aith,
oath

Ye never lifted JEANY'S claith. —
clothes

But tho' ye should yoursel manswear,

Laird Wilson's sclates can witness bear,
slates

Ae e'ening of a MAUCHLINE fair,
one

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That JEANY'S masts they saw them bare;

For ye had furl'd up her sails,

And was at play — at heads and tails. —

NEXT, SANDY DOW, you're here indicted

To have, as publickly you're wyted,
accused

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Been clandestinely upward whirlin

The petticoats o' MAGGY BORELAN,

And gien her canister a rattle,
given

That months to come it winna settle. —
would not

And yet, you offer your protest,

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Ye never herried Maggy's nest;
harried

Tho, it 's weel ken'd that at her gyvel
well known, vagina

Ye hae gien mony a kytch and kyvel.
have given, thrust, bang

THEN BROWN AND DOW, before design'd,

For clags and clauses there subjoin'd,
claims

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WE, Court aforesaid cite and summon,

That on the fifth o' July comin,

The hour o cause, in our Court-ha'.

At Whitfoord's Arms, ye answer LAW!

BUT, as reluctantly WE PUNISH,

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An' rather, mildly would admonish:

Since BETTER PUNISHMENT prevented,

Than OBSTINACY sair repented. —
sore

Then, for that ANCIENT SECRET'S SAKE,

You have the honor to partake;

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An for that NOBLE BADGE you wear,

YOU, SANDIE DOW, our BROTHER dear,

We give you as a MAN an' MASON,

This private, sober, friendly lesson. —

YOUR CRIME, a manly deed we view it,

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AS MAN ALONE, can only do it;

But, in denial persevering,

Is to a SCOUNDREL'S NAME adhering.

THE BEST O MEN, hae been surpris'd;

THE BEST O WOMEN been advis'd:

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NAY, CLEVEREST LADS hae haen a TRICK O'T,
have had

AN', BONNIEST LASSES taen a LICK O'T. —
taken

Then Brother Dow, if you're asham'd

In such a QUORUM to be nam'd,

Your conduct much is to be blam'd.

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See, ev'n HIMSEL — there's GODLY BRYAN,

That auld WHATRECK he has been tryin;
old sexual intercourse

When such as he put to their han',

What man on CHARACTER need stan'?

Then Brother dear, lift up your brow,

125
And, like yoursel', the TRUTH avow;

Erect a dauntless face upon it,

An say, ‘I am the man has done it;

‘I SANDIE DOW GAT MEG WI' WEAN,
got, child

‘An 's fit to do as much again.'

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Ne'er mind their solemn rev'rend faces,

Had they — in proper times an' places,

But SEEN AN FUN' — I mukle dread it,
greatly

They just would done as you an' WE did. —

TO TELL THE TRUTH ‘s a manly lesson,

135
An doubly proper in a MASON. —

YOU MONSIEUR BROWN, as it is proven,

JEAN MITCHEL'S wame by you was hoven;
belly, distended

Without you by a quick repentance

Acknowledge Jean's an' your acquaintance,

140
Depend on 't, this shall be your sentence. —

Our beadles to the Cross shall take you,

And there shall mither naked make you;
mother-

Some canie grip near by your middle,
careful

They shall it bind as tight 's a fiddle;

145
The raep they round the PUMP shall tak
rope

An' tye your han's behint your back;
tie, hands

Wi' just an ell o' string allow'd

To jink an hide you frae the croud:
dodge, from

There ye shall stan', a legal seizure,

150
In during Jeanie Mitchel's pleasure;

So be, her pleasure dinna pass
do not

Seven turnings of a half-hour glass:

Nor shall it in her pleasure be

To louse you out in less than THREE. —

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This, our futurum esse DECREET,

We mean it not to keep a secret;

But in OUR SUMMONS here insert it,

And whoso dares, may controvert it. —

This, mark'd before that date and place is,

160
SIGILLUM EST, PER
sealed by

                    BURNS THE PRESES.

This Summons and the signet mark,

EXTRACTUM EST, PER
extracted by

                    RICHMOND, CLERK

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AT MAUCHLINE, idem date of June,

'Tween six and seven, the afternoon,

You twa, in propria personae,
two

Within design'd, SANDY and JOHNY,

This SUMMONS legally have got,

170
As vide witness underwrote:

Within the house of JOHN DOW, vinter,

NUNC FACIO HOC.
I now make this

                    GULLELMUS HUNTER.