The Carrie Diaries (21 page)

“I think we ought to look for them.” I check my watch. “It’s ten forty-five. They’ve been gone for about three hours—”

“They could be all the way to Boston by now,” Connie exclaims. She looks over at her husband.

“I’m heading back to The Emerald,” he announces. He takes in our shocked expressions and grins. “Hey—she’s not my kid. And there’s a man called Jack Daniel’s waiting for me at the bar.”

My father, Connie, and I drive all around town looking for Dorrit and Cheryl. We check out the meadows, the country club, and several little bars Connie knows about,
although why she thinks anyone would serve alcohol to thirteen-year-olds is a mystery to both me and my dad. But we keep searching anyway, to no avail. At two a.m., we finally give up.

“Did you find her?” Missy squeals hopefully as we walk into the house.

“Nope.”

“What are we going to do?”

“What can we do?”

“How could this happen?” Missy wails.

“I don’t know. If she’s not back by six a.m., we’re going to the police.”

We stand there in terrified silence, and then I tiptoe across the floor and peek into the den where my father has retired to suffer alone. He’s sitting on the couch, slowly turning the pages of the old photo album my mother started when she and my father became engaged.

I return to the kitchen, ready to fortify myself for a long night, taking bread and cheese and mayonnaise from the refrigerator to make a sandwich.

The phone rings.

The sound is loud and jarring and somehow expected. I drop the bread and grab it.

“Carrie?” says a male voice.

“George?” I ask in shock. And then I’m disappointed. And angry. Why is George calling now—way past midnight on New Year’s Eve? He must be drunk. “George, this is
not
the time—”

He cuts me off. “I have someone here who wants to talk to you.”

“Who?”

“Happy New Year,” Dorrit says, giggling into the phone.

All morning I’ve been avoiding the phone.

I know I have to do the right thing. And the sooner you do the right thing, the better. You get it over with, and you don’t have to worry about it anymore. But who does that in real life? Instead, you procrastinate and think about it and put it off and think about it some more until that one little pebble grows into a giant block inside your head. It’s only, I remind myself, a phone call. But I have so many other important things to do first.

Like cleaning out the space above the garage, which is where I am now, wearing a down coat, fuzzy gloves, and a mink stole. The mink belonged to my grandmother, and it’s one of those really creepy ones where the heads and tiny paws of the little minks are attached at each end. I put the two heads together and make them talk to each other.

“Hello.”

“How are you?”

“Not so good. Someone took my tail and back legs.”

“Eh—who needs a tail, anyway?”

I found the old stole when I was digging through a box filled with my grandmother’s things, which, with the exception of the stole, have turned out to be a treasure trove of fantastic old hats with net veils and feathers. I put one of the hats on my head and pull the veil down over my nose. I picture myself walking down Fifth Avenue, stopping in front of Tiffany on my way to lunch at the Plaza.

With the hat still on my head, I push aside a few more boxes. I’m looking for something, but I don’t know what. I’ll know what it is when I find it though.

My nose is assaulted by the sharp musty smell of old paperbacks as I lift open the flaps on a box bearing the fuzzy imprint of Del Monte canned corn. My grandmother always described herself as “a great reader,” and prided herself on reading five books a week, although her choice of reading material consisted largely of romances and Greek mythology. On the summer weekends we’d spend at her cottage by the shore, I’d be right behind her, devouring those romance novels like candy, thinking, I could do this someday. I’d turn the books over and study the photographs of the authors with their teased hairdos, lying on pink chaises or propped up in four-poster beds. Those lady authoresses, I knew, were fantastically rich, and unlike the female characters in their books, made their own money without needing a man to rescue them. The idea of
becoming one of these lady writers filled me with a secret excitement that was nearly sexual, but also terrifying: If a woman could take care of herself, would she still need a man? Would she even want one? And if she didn’t want a man, what kind of woman would she be? Would she even be a woman? Because it seemed if you were a woman, the only thing you were really supposed to want was a man.

I guess I was about eight then. Maybe ten. Even twelve. Inhaling the scent of those old paperbacks is like inhaling the little girl of my childhood. I’ve learned one thing since then: No matter what happens, I’ll probably always want a guy.

Is there something pitiful about that?

I close the box and move on to another. And suddenly, I find it: a rectangular white box with yellowed corners, a dry cleaner’s box for men’s shirts. I lift the cover, take out an old composition book, and turn to the first page.
The Adventures of Pinky Weatherton
is printed in my sloppy young hand.

Good old Pinky! I invented her when I was six. Pinky was a spy with special powers: She could shrink herself down to the size of a thimble, and she could breathe underwater. Pinky always seemed to be getting washed down the drain in the sink, and then she’d swim through the pipes and pop up in someone’s bathtub.

I carefully take out the contents of the box, laying them on the floor. Besides Pinky, there are drawings and homemade cards, diaries with metal locks (I never managed to write more than a few entries in any of them, although
I remember chastising myself for my lack of discipline, knowing even then that writers were supposed to keep journals), and at the bottom, my attempts at stories, crudely typed on my mother’s Royale typewriter. It’s like a surprise party, suddenly coming into a room filled with all your friends. But it’s also the sign, I decide, picking up the box and carrying it down the stairs. It’s the sign that I really do have to call George.

“You need to call George” were the first words out of my father’s mouth this morning.

“I will, Dad. Don’t worry about it.” It made me kind of angry. I’d vowed never to talk to George again, not after what he’d said about Sebastian. Even if I did end up at Brown, which was looking more and more likely as I hadn’t managed to come up with a viable alternative, I planned to avoid him. And yet, once again he had managed to insert himself into our lives—my life—and it wasn’t right. I didn’t want him there. I knew my feelings were wrong—it wasn’t George’s fault—but I was convinced he was still somehow to blame. If he hadn’t paid so much attention to Dorrit when she was arrested, if he hadn’t been so
nice
, then Dorrit would have never developed a crush on him. It was only one of those mewling irrational crushes that young teenage girls develop for pretty-boy singers, but why George? He was cute enough, but certainly not pretty. He wasn’t even dangerous.

Maybe it wasn’t danger Dorrit was looking for but stability.

And perhaps there was an element of competition. Dorrit had grown bolder with each infraction, starting
with stealing earrings and lip gloss, and moving on to my mother’s bag. Maybe it made sense that George was her final conquest.

Back in the house, my father is in exactly the same position I left him in two hours ago, seated at the little desk where we keep the mail, staring down at a blank piece of paper with a pencil in his hand.

“Did you call George yet?” he asks, looking up.

“I’m going to. Right now.”

“You owe him a phone call. What would have happened if George hadn’t been there? And now I need to find a way to repay him.”

I have a terrible thought: Perhaps I should offer myself as repayment, like one of those heroines in my grandmother’s romance novels whose family forces her to marry a man she doesn’t love. And then Sebastian will have to rescue me. Except he can’t, because my father has forbidden any of us to leave the house without adult supervision. We’re not even allowed to talk on the phone unless we clear it with my father first. I thump up the stairs to my room, hating my father, Dorrit, and most of all, George.

I shove the box of stories under the bed and pick up the phone. Maybe George is still asleep. Or out. At least I can say I tried. He answers on the second ring.

“How are you holding up?” he asks.

“I’m okay.”

“And Dorrit?”

“Locked in her room.” I pause. “Anyway, I want to thank you. We couldn’t have managed without you.” I do
my best to sound sincere on this last statement, but I don’t quite succeed. George doesn’t seem to notice, however.

“No problem,” he says, full of good cheer. “These things happen. Glad I could help.”

“Thanks again.” Having done my duty, I’m about to ring off when I make a fatal mistake. “George,” I ask. “Why did she pick you?”

He laughs. “That almost sounds like an insult.”

“It isn’t. You’re a great guy—”

“Am I?” he asks eagerly.

“Well, sure,” I say, trying to figure out how to get out of this trap. “But she’s thirteen. It seems so extreme to steal a car and drive all the way to Providence—”

I hear a telltale ping indicating my father has picked up the extension below and is listening in.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” George says, lowering his voice. “I could come by next week.”

“I’ll have to check with my father,” I sigh, knowing my father will say “yes,” and surprised he hasn’t already broken into the conversation.

When George and I hang up, I head downstairs to confront my father. “Are you going to listen in on every conversation I have from now on?”

“I’m sorry, Carrie, but yes. And I’m not listening in. I’m monitoring.”

“Great,” I say sarcastically.

“And if you were thinking about seeing Sebastian later, forget it,” he adds. “I don’t want that little S-H-I-T anywhere near this house.”

“But, Dad—”

“I’m sorry, Carrie.”

“He’s my boyfriend!”

“That’s the way it is,” he says, unmoved by my obvious distress. “No boys. And that means no Sebastian, either.”

“What is this? Alcatraz?”

My father says nothing.

Arrggghhh.

My anger is like some rudimentary, single-celled beast, an exploding virus of fury that paralyzes rational thought and blinds me to everything except one single goal….

“I’m going to
kill
you!” I scream, rushing upstairs to Dorrit’s room. I leap on top of her, but she’s prepared, having raised her legs into a defensive position. I know that somewhere in the world, in truly perfect families, sisters don’t fight. But we’re not one of them. We used to be regular pugilists, kicking and twisting arms and chasing each other with shovels and rakes and locking each other in the car or out of the house, shaking each other out of trees, hiding in closets or under the bed or running each other down like rabbits. “I’m going to kill you,” I scream again, raising a pillow over my head as Dorrit kicks my groin.

I try to get the pillow over her face, but she squirms away, landing on the floor. She gets up and tries to jump on my back. I buck like a horse but she won’t let go. I struggle to stand up and we both fall over. We land on the bed with me lying on top of her.

Then the dam of emotion bursts and we’re laughing hysterically. “It’s not funny,” I insist, tears running down
my face. “You’ve ruined my life. You deserve to die.”

“What’s going on?” Missy says, appearing in the doorway. Dorrit points at her, which is not funny either, but manages to send us into another round of hysterics all the same. “Stop laughing,” Missy scolds. “I just talked to Dad. He’s thinking of sending Dorrit to reform school.”

“Will I have to wear a uniform?” Dorrit shrieks with laughter.

“Dad’s serious this time.” Missy frowns. “He says he’s not kidding. We’re in big trouble. All of us. We’re not even allowed to have friends anymore.”

“We’re in Bralcatraz,” I say.

“Ha,” Dorrit says dismissively. She gets off the bed and looks at herself in the mirror, twisting a strand of blue hair in front of her face. “He’ll get over it. He always does,” she says viciously.

“Dorrit—”

“I don’t even know why he’s the one left,” she says. “
He
should be dead. And Mom should be alive.” She glares defiantly at Missy and me, at our shocked expressions. It’s a sentiment we’ve all felt but never expressed.

“And I don’t care if I do go to reform school,” she adds. “Anything would be better than being stuck in this family.”

A horn honks in the driveway, breaking the silence. Please let it be The Mouse, I pray.

Missy, Dorrit, my father, and I are gathered at the table, pretending to eat dinner in a futile attempt at normalcy. At the sound of the horn, my father goes to the window, pulls back the curtain, and peers out. “It’s Roberta,” he confirms. I jump up and grab my coat and my painted Carrie bag, which are standing at the ready.

“Not so fast. We need to go over this one more time,” my father says as Dorrit rolls her eyes. “You’re going to see
The Importance of Being Earnest
at the Hartford Stage. You will call during the intermission. You will be home at eleven o’clock.”

“Eleven or
so
,” I say, slipping my arms into the sleeves of the coat.

“I’ll be waiting up for you.” He glances at Missy and
Dorrit. They have their heads down, pretending to eat, pretending they don’t know where I’m really going.

“Sure, Dad.” I wrap my grandmother’s old mink stole around my neck. I wouldn’t normally wear it, but I figure it’s the kind of thing one would wear to the theater, and I need to keep up my act.

I walk quickly to the car, feeling like I have a target on my back.

I lied. But not entirely. The Mouse and I
are
going to a show, just not to one at the Hartford Stage. We’re meeting up with Lali and Sebastian at the Aztec Two-Step concert. Not exactly how I pictured my reunion with Sebastian, but it doesn’t matter. Every molecule in my body is pulsating in anticipation.

A blast of hot, dry air hits me as I swing open the door of the Gremlin. The Mouse gives me a triumphant look as I carefully buckle my seat belt, knowing my father is watching. “Any trouble?” she asks.

“Nope. He doesn’t suspect a thing.” When we’re safely out of the driveway and on the highway, I laugh, giddy with excitement, nervously checking my lipstick in the tiny mirror tucked into the visor. “I can’t believe we pulled it off,” I squeal. “Mouse, you’re the best.”

“Hey,” she says. “What are friends for?”

I lean back, smiling like a madwoman.

When Sebastian called yesterday at three and my father told him I wasn’t available, things got ugly at Chez Bradshaw. I screamed and threatened to tear out my hair, but it didn’t make any difference. My father unplugged all
the phones and barricaded himself in his bedroom. Then my sisters and I came up with a plan to take the car, but my father had outsmarted us and hidden the keys. We tried to break into his room, but then we thought we heard him crying, so we went into the den and huddled on the couch like three terrified orphans. Finally, my father came in and Missy broke down and said, “Dad, I’m sorry,” and started to sob. My father said, “It’s not your fault. I just love my girls so much.” And we all agreed to try to be better in the future. All I could really think about, though, was Sebastian and how to get in touch with him. The reality of him being minutes away and not being able to see him made me feel like I had a rat in my stomach, gnawing away at my insides.

Eventually, I went upstairs and took out the box of my old stories, and tried to soothe myself by imagining a better life, when I would live in New York and write books and have a completely different existence. I pictured my future like a jewel buried deep inside of me, where it couldn’t be taken away even if I was stuck in Bralcatraz for the rest of my life.

Then my father came softly into the room.

“I don’t mean to be so hard on you,” he said.

I had my opening if I could remain reasonable and calm. “It’s okay, Dad.”

“I’m only trying to be fair. If I let you and Missy out, I’ll have to let Dorrit out too. And what if she runs away again?”

“Sure, Dad,” I said soothingly.

“It’s not forever. Just for a week or two. Until I can figure out what to do.”

“I understand.”

“You see, Carrie,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed, “it’s all about systems. And what we don’t have in this household is a system. If we apply a system for success to the actions of human beings…if we take the human being down to its most basic molecular equation…after all, we are only molecules and electrons, and electrons are governed by a rigid set of rules. Well,” he said, standing up as if he actually had found a solution to our problems. “I knew I could count on you. I appreciate it. I really do.”

He hugged me awkwardly and said what he always does in these situations: “Remember, I don’t just love you. I
like
you.”

“I like you too, Dad,” I said, scheming. “Dad? Can I make one phone call?” And before he could object, I added quickly, “I need to call The Mouse. I was supposed to meet her.” I guess he really did feel bad, because he relented.

This morning, when things had calmed down and my father agreed to restore phone service—although he was still insisting on answering every call himself—The Mouse rang and spoke to him while I listened in on the extension.

“I know Carrie’s not supposed to go out, but we’ve had these tickets for months. They’re for the Hartford Stage and they don’t give refunds. And it’s part of our English Literature class. We don’t have to go, but if we miss it, it
might affect our grade.”

And now—freedom. Puffing along in the Gremlin, the radio turned up full blast, The Mouse and I screaming along to the B-52s. My head is buzzing with the daringness of my escape. I am ready to rock the house. I am, I think, invincible.

Or not. Halfway to our secret destination, I start to worry. What if Sebastian is late? What if he doesn’t show at all? And why do I feel the need to entertain the worst possible scenario? If you think a bad thought, can you make it come true? Or is it a warning?

But the yellow Corvette is there, parked in the dirt driveway.

I fling open the door to the club. He’s sitting at the bar, and I vaguely register that Lali is there too. “Hey!” I shout. Lali spots me first. There’s an odd slackness in her face, the muscles flattening in disappointment. Something’s wrong. Then he turns and she whispers something in his ear.

He’s deeply tanned and the aura of a carefree summer boy still clings to him like a salty sweet veneer. He nods at me, his smile tight, which is not the reaction I expected to see from the love of my life after we’ve been separated for two weeks. But perhaps he’s like a dog that’s been left alone by its master—it will take time for him to get used to me again.

“Hi,” I exclaim. My voice sounds too loud and too enthusiastic. I put my arms around him and jump up and down.

“Whoa,” he says, and kisses me on the cheek. “Are you okay?”

“Of course.”

“What about Dorrit?” Lali asks.

“Oh, that,” I say with a wave. “It’s nothing. All fine. I’m just so happy to be here.” I take the bar stool next to him and order a beer.

“Where’s The Mouse?” he asks.

The Mouse? What about me? “She’s in the bathroom. So when did you get back?” I ask eagerly, although I know when he got back—he called me.

“Yesterday afternoon.” He scratches his arm.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t talk—but The Mouse called and told you, right? What happened with Dorrit?”

Lali and Sebastian exchange a look. “Actually,” he begins, “when your father hung up on me I called Lali. She told me something had happened to Dorrit on Friday night.”

“So we went to The Emerald,” Lali says, finishing his sentence.

“I knew you were indisposed,” he adds quickly, tapping my nose with his finger. “I didn’t want to sit at home with my parents another night.”

A rock tears through my insides and comes to rest in the pit of my stomach. “So how was the vacation?”

“Boring,” he says.

I catch Lali’s expression over his shoulder. She looks sick. Did something happen last night? Did Lali and Sebastian…?
No.
She’s my best friend. He’s my boyfriend. They
should
be friends. Don’t act jealous, I berate myself. It will only make you look weak.

“Hi, all.” The Mouse comes up to the bar. Sebastian
envelops her in a bear hug. “Mouse!” he exclaims.

“Hey.” She pats him on the back, as confused by his effusive behavior as I am. Sebastian has never been this friendly before.

I gulp my beer. Am I crazy, or is something very odd going on?

“I have to go to the bathroom.” I hop off my barstool and look at Lali. “Want to come?”

She hesitates, glances at Sebastian, and puts down her beer. “Sure.”

“Is it my imagination or is Sebastian acting weird?” I ask from the stall.

“I haven’t noticed anything.”

“Come on. He’s being really strange.” When I come out of the stall, Lali is standing by the sink, staring at herself in the discolored mirror as she fluffs her hair.

She won’t look at me. “Maybe it’s because he’s been away.”

“Do you think something happened? While he was on vacation? Maybe he met another girl.”

“Maybe.”

This is not the proper response. The correct answer is: no. No way. He’s crazy about you. Or something along those lines.

“So you guys went to The Emerald last night,” I say.

“Yeah.”

“Did he mention anything about another girl?”

“No.” She fusses with a strand of hair on the back of her neck.

“How long were you there?”

“I don’t know. We had a drink. He wanted to get out of the house. I did too. So—”

“Yeah.” I nod, desperate to know more. Which songs they listened to and what they drank and whether or not they danced. I want to probe her, get inside her brain and find out exactly what happened. But I can’t. I don’t want to hear something I know I can’t handle.

When we return, The Mouse is deep in conversation with Sebastian. “What are you guys talking about?” I ask.

“You,” Sebastian says, turning to me with uncharacteristic seriousness.

“What about me?” I laugh lightly.

“How hard it is for you,” he says.

Not this again. “It’s not
that
hard,” I say dismissively. I finish my beer and order another. Then I order a shot.

“Let’s all have shots,” Sebastian says.

The thought of alcohol lightens the mood. We lift our shot glasses and clink—to the new year, to the summer ahead, to our futures. Sebastian smokes a cigarette with his arm around my shoulder. The Mouse talks to Lali. I lean in to Sebastian, sharing his cigarette. “Is anything wrong?”

“What do you mean?” He takes a drag of his cigarette, turning his head away, a note of aggression in his tone.

“I don’t know. You’re acting sort of funny.”

“Really? I think you’re the one who’s acting weird.”

“Me?”

“Yeah,” he says. He stares at me wide-eyed.

I back down. “Maybe I am. All the stuff with Dorrit—”

“Mmmm.” He averts his glance as he stubs out his cigarette.

“Anyway, I’m not going to let it affect me. I want to have fun.” And I drag him onto the dance floor.

Then I have too much fun. The band comes on, and we all sing along. The alcohol works its magic and I suddenly don’t care about anything anymore. I take off my stole and make the mink heads drink beer. Other people gather around to join in the fun. Nine o’clock comes and goes and I don’t even notice until it’s too late.

At ten fifteen, The Mouse points to her watch. “Bradley, we should go.”

“I don’t want to go.”

“Two more songs,” she warns. “Then we’re going.”

“Okay.”
I grab my beer and push through the crowd to the front of the stage, catching the eye of the lead singer, who smiles at me, amused. He’s cute. Really cute. He has the smooth face and curly hair of a guy in a Renaissance painting. Lali has had a crush on him since we were fourteen. We’d play his records while Lali stared longingly at his photograph. When the song ends, he leans over and asks what I want to hear. “‘Cosmos Lady’!” I shout.

The song begins. The lead singer keeps looking at me, his mouth moving above the microphone as the music rises up, enveloping me like a puffy cloud of helium. Then it’s only the music and the singer and his full, soft lips, and suddenly, it’s like I’m back at the club in Provincetown
with Walt and Randy, wild and free. Listening to the music isn’t enough. I must participate. I must…
sing
.

On the stage. In front of everyone.

And then it’s like I’ve willed it to happen, because the singer holds out his hand. I take it and he pulls me onto the stage, making room for me next to the microphone. And there I am, singing my heart out, and before I know it, the song is over and the crowd is laughing and clapping. The singer leans into the mike and says, “That was—” and I shout, “Carrie Bradshaw,” my name echoing like a blast.

“Let’s have a round of applause for…
Carrie Bradshaw
,” he says.

I give the audience a little wave, stumble off the stage, and wobble through the crowd, giddy with the silliness of my behavior.
I am,
I think.

I am…
here
.

“I cannot believe you just did that,” Lali says, aghast, when I reach the bar. I look from Lali to The Mouse to Sebastian, and with a shaking hand, pick up my beer.

“Why?” As the beer trickles down my throat, I can feel my confidence going with it. “Was it bad?”

“Not exactly bad,” Sebastian says.

“Bradley, you were great,” The Mouse exclaims.

I look at Sebastian accusingly.

“I didn’t know you could sing,” he says, defensive again. “I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Oh, Carrie’s always singing,” Lali says, her voice toxic. “She sang in the school play in third grade.”

“We’d better go,” says The Mouse.

“Party’s over.” Sebastian leans over and kisses me briefly on the lips.

“Are you guys going?” I ask.

Lali and Sebastian exchange yet another mysterious look before Lali’s eyes slide away. “In a minute.”

“Come on, Bradley. Your father doesn’t need any more trouble,” The Mouse says, handing me my stole.

“Sure.” I wrap the mink around my neck. “Well—” I begin awkwardly.

“Well,” Sebastian says. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah.” I turn and follow The Mouse.

But then, in the parking lot, I’m suddenly overcome with remorse. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.”