The Chance: A Novel (33 page)

Her friend took one look at her and pulled her close, hugged her, and welcomed her in without asking questions. Twice, after she’d finished beauty school for the day, her father was standing outside waiting for her. Both times he admonished her, told her she needed to repent and get back into church if she wanted a chance at eternal life.

Every word came rapid-fire, and Ellie remembered the feeling. How her father didn’t need a gun to kill her. He had the
Bible. After his last attempt to save her from hell, he stopped trying.

With Tina at her side, Ellie had her baby, and a few months later, she got word that C.J. had been killed. She didn’t attend his memorial service. As far as she was concerned, the only part of him that mattered lived in the form of her baby girl. And so began the rest of her life. Through the constant missing of Nolan, Ellie had one reason to live.

Kinzie Noah. The baby girl neither of Ellie’s parents had ever met.

Tears filled her eyes, and the image of her dad on the sofa next to the cardboard box grew blurry. She eased her car back onto the road and flipped on her headlights. Enough time in the past.

The ghosts were suffocating her.

Chapter
Thirteen

K
inzie loved Sundays.

Tina had taken her to church since the start of first grade, and now she looked forward to Sunday all week long. Kids stayed for the first part of the service, and that was where she was right now. Sitting on the cool wood bench between Tina and Tiara, Kinzie listened to every word the pastor said.

“Sometimes it takes a while for people to find their happy-ever-after in Jesus.” The man had nice eyes, and he never yelled. Mommy said once to Tina
that she didn’t want any pastor yelling at her about what she’d done wrong. So at first Kinzie watched for that, but so far the pastor only talked with kind words. Anyway, yelling wasn’t why her mommy didn’t go to church. Sundays were cleaning day, that’s why.

“You go to church, Kinz,” she would always say. “This is my time to clean.”

Right now the pastor was talking about being nice to people who had hurt in their hearts. Hurt feelings, that’s what he meant. Kinzie was pretty sure. She looked down at her pink-and-white tennis shoes. Something had happened that morning that she didn’t tell Tina or Tiara. Mommy was at the computer, and she had her hands over her face. Kinzie watched her from the hallway, and she saw her mommy wipe her eyes. Her shoulders shook, too. So Kinzie knew for sure Mommy was crying.

She never cried in front of Kinzie, but sometimes when she didn’t think anyone was watching, she would cry. This morning Kinzie walked up real quiet and put her hand on her mommy’s back. “I’m sorry you’re sad.”

Real quick, her mommy sniffed and wiped the tears off her face. “It’s okay.” She turned around and hugged Kinzie. “I was just . . . wishing I could give you more. A different life.”

“Why?” Kinzie leaned back and put her hands on her mommy’s cheeks. “I like our life. I don’t want something different.”

Her mommy’s eyes still held tears, but she smiled and kissed Kinzie’s cheek and hugged her. “That’s my girl. How did I get so blessed to have you?”

Kinzie smiled at her mommy. “Because Jesus loves you. That’s what we learned at church.”

Her mom looked away like she didn’t really believe it. She hugged Kinzie again. “As long as
you
love me. That’s all I need.”

Lots of times Kinzie asked her mom to go to church. “You might feel better, Mommy.”

“I know.” Her eyes looked very sad. “But Sundays are when I clean the apartment. You know that.”

The pastor was still talking about people who were hurt. “It’s our job to love them, our job to show them the love of Jesus every day. And it’s our job to pray for them.”

Kinzie thought about praying for her mommy right now.
Dear Jesus, please be with my mommy and make her happy. I don’t
want it to take a long time for her to be happy. Thank you for listening. Love, Kinzie.

When the kids went to Sunday school, Kinzie colored a picture for her mom, because maybe that would make her feel better. The picture was Jesus sitting on a bench next to her mommy, and they were eating ice cream and talking about summertime.

When they got home, Tina made lunch, and Tiara helped. Kinzie ran to the bedroom where her mom was vacuuming. She held out the colored picture, and her mommy turned off the machine. “What’s this?” She took the paper and held it up. “Wow, Kinzie. You’re such a talented little artist.” Her mom sat down on her bed, and Kinzie sat beside her. “It’s beautiful. Tell me about it.”

Kinzie felt proud of her drawing, especially because her mommy said she was a good artist. She pointed to the people. “That’s you sitting with Jesus. You’re eating ice cream and talking about summer.”

“Hmmm.” Her mommy nodded. “Looks like we’re having a nice time.”

“You are.” She stared up into her mom’s blue eyes. “Pastor said some people take a long time to find their happy-ever-after in Jesus.”

All of a sudden tears were in her mommy’s eyes again. “I suppose that’s true.”

“But it doesn’t have to take a long time, right?”

“Well, sweetie, it’s complicated.” She patted Kinzie’s hair and stood. “I need to finish in here. Then I’ll make pancakes.” She hugged Kinzie, and she put the picture on the bed. “Thanks again for my drawing. I love it.”

As Kinzie left the room, she felt sad, because maybe it
would be a long time before her mom ever went to church. But until then she would do what the pastor asked her to do. She would pray for her mommy.

That one day soon she would find her happy-ever-after.

E
llie had a feeling that tonight’s bedtime routine would take longer than usual. She sat on the edge of Kinzie’s twin bed and waited for her to brush her teeth. The day had been long and marked with emotion. Kinzie wanted so badly for her to go to church, and as always, Ellie got out of it by claiming she had to vacuum and do laundry. Sunday was cleaning day. But her daughter was learning more at Sunday school, learning about people who run away from Jesus. She was getting old enough to understand that cleaning could happen on another day.

Kinzie came in from the bathroom, her pink flannel nightgown swishing around her ankles. She smiled at Ellie, but as she folded back the covers and slipped into bed, her eyes looked troubled. Ellie ran her hand along her daughter’s blond hair. “So, Kinz, you want to talk about anything?”

A serious look crossed her daughter’s face. “Anything?”

“Sure.” Ellie tilted her head, wanting desperately to connect. “Whatever you want.”

“Okay.” She blinked a few times, the way she did when she was nervous. “Did you ever believe in Jesus? When you were a little girl, like me?”

Ellie kept her smile. “I did.” Her tone was kind, gentle. “Believing was part of my life back then.”

“So,” she paused, “now you don’t believe?” She looked heartbroken at the possibility.

“Well.” Ellie felt tears in her eyes. “Not like I used to.”

Kinzie let that sink in. “Are you mad at Jesus?”

“Hmmm.” She hadn’t really thought about it before. “I’m not sure.” Who was she mad at? Her parents, of course. And yes, maybe even Jesus. He could’ve prevented all this, right? Kinzie was waiting for an answer. “I guess life just got hard. With my mommy and daddy.”

“When they broke up and your daddy moved you here?”

“Yes.” Ellie had long ago explained why there was no grandma or grandpa in Kinzie’s life. “It’s hard to believe sometimes.” Answering the questions was like walking through a minefield. Ellie breathed deep and remembered to smile. “Anything else, sweetie?”

For a long time Kinzie looked at her. The sweetness in her eyes was back. “I’m sorry, Mommy. That it’s hard to believe.” She sat up and kissed Ellie’s cheek. “I’m praying for you every day.”

“Thank you.” Ellie searched her daughter’s eyes, the innocence and faith there. “Keep praying. I know it helps.”

“I will.” Kinzie nodded and yawned at the same time. “I love you always.”

“I love you forever.” Relief flooded Ellie’s soul. The exchange was something they’d read in a book once, and ever since then it had been their special way to say good night. She rubbed Kinzie’s back till she fell asleep. Enough talk about faith and believing.

Ellie tiptoed out of the room and shut the door behind her. With everything in her, she wanted one thing—to pile the two of them into the car and drive east. As long and far as she could without stopping, just drive and play the radio and think and cry. It wasn’t weighing on her only lately. Her birthday had made her think about her dad again. How he must
have felt, living on his own, and how sad it was that the two of them hadn’t talked. Other than Kinzie and Tina and Tiara, Ellie had no one. Her roommate was still awake, and Ellie found her in the kitchen.

Tina studied Ellie as she walked up. “Everything okay?”

“Just a long night.” Now wasn’t the time to go into it. She didn’t want to talk about church or God or the reasons she struggled to believe. “I need to take a drive. Think about life.”

“You’re not doing it again, are you?” Tina gave her a look that demanded truth.

“What?” Ellie crossed her arms.

“You know what. Thinking about Nolan Cook.” Tina shook her head. “You have to let that go. You were kids, Ellie.”

“I know we were kids. It was a lifetime ago.” Her tone was more defensive than she intended. She forced herself to whisper so she wouldn’t wake up the girls. “Of course I still think about him. His name and picture are everywhere.”

“I’m just saying . . .” Tina’s expression was filled with compassion. “You can’t move on while you’re clinging to a fantasy.”

Even Tina didn’t know about the tackle box or the letters or the significance of June first. Ellie took her keys from the hook on the wall. “Thanks, Tina.”

“Don’t be mad.” Tina followed her to the door. “I only want to help.”

Ellie stopped and faced her friend. “I know. That’s why I need to drive. So I can figure out why I haven’t moved on.”

“I’ll pray for you. That you can figure out a way to let him go.”

Ellie didn’t want to hear that. Who did Tina think she was, offering to pray? Like she was better than Ellie? Her anger grew with every heartbeat. She needed to leave before she said
something that would hurt them both. Not until she was in her car and halfway down the street did she think again about what Tina had said. Nolan was a fantasy . . . she would pray for Ellie to let him go. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and her knuckles turned white in the moonlight. That’s all Nolan was in Tina’s mind? A fantasy?

She took a deep breath and exhaled with deliberate calm. Tina knew only Nolan Cook, the famous NBA player. If she’d seen Ellie and Nolan sitting under their old oak tree all those years ago, she would have understood. Nolan Cook was not a fantasy. He wasn’t.

The thought shin-kicked at the edges of her conscience. Or was he? Who was she kidding? Nolan lived in a different world from the one they shared when they were fifteen. He was one of the most sought-after millionaires in the country. If he remembered her, it was probably only on occasion, and if he could see her now, a single mom unwilling to attend church with her little girl, Ellie knew exactly what he’d think. He’d be sad that life had changed Ellie Tucker, and then he’d wish her the best. He would probably offer to pray for her—like everyone else in her life—and that would be that.

No wonder Tina’s comment hurt so badly. Regardless of what Ellie wanted to believe or what she sometimes let herself believe, the truth was blatantly obvious. Nolan Cook would never be interested in her now.

She was two miles away from her apartment before she realized she was headed toward her father’s house. The one that belonged to Ellie’s grandmother before she was moved to a nursing facility. When Ellie and her dad first moved to San Diego, they ate most dinners at her grandmother’s house. The old woman never liked Ellie’s mom; everyone in the family
knew that much. Quickly, it became clear to Ellie that her grandmother didn’t care much for her, either. It was the reason Ellie hadn’t given Nolan her grandma’s address as a way of keeping in touch. If mail came from Savannah, her grandma probably would have thrown it away.