The Christmas Baby (13 page)

“T
HIS IS THE BIGGEST
Christmas tree I’ve ever had,” Faith said the weekend after her birthday. “I didn’t think it would fit in the living room.”

“I told you it would. Hand me that angel and I’ll put it on the top.” Brian hadn’t decorated a Christmas tree in years. Not since he was a kid and Mark had forced him and Jay into shopping for one. Once they’d brought it home Mark had done the lion’s share of the work. He smiled, remembering the mess he and Jay had made of the strands of lights and, worse, the tinsel icicles they’d started a fight with. For the next month, Mark grumbled whenever he found another strand of the stringy silver stuff. Their oldest brother had yelled a lot, but Brian and Jay had always known he was a soft touch.

Though Faith had put on some Christmas music, both the babies were shrieking so loudly in their playpens, it couldn’t really be heard. “Sounds like Will and Lily are ready to be sprung,” he said, climbing down the ladder.

Faith stared at the tree critically, her head angled. “All right, but I think it’s lopsided. Come see what you think. If you look at it from where I’m standing, it seems to be leaning in the other direction.”

He didn’t look because he didn’t intend to do anything about it even if the damn tree was at forty-five degrees. He lifted Lily out and put her down on the carpet. She immediately headed to her mother. She’d started crawling about three weeks before and she’d taken off in no time. Will, naturally, homed in on the tree, with Brian behind him.

“The tree is perfectly straight.” It had better be, since Faith had made him mess around with the thing for half an hour before she was satisfied and they could even begin to decorate. He stepped on a stray ornament and winced when he heard a crunch. “Who knew you were such a perfectionist?” He bent down to pick up the pieces and throw them away.

She frowned at him. “I’m not being a perfectionist. I simply want to make sure the tree is sturdy so it doesn’t fall over on one of the kids.” She handed Lily the pink hippo, her favorite toy since the moment she’d set eyes on it. The baby gave a little chortle of laughter and hugged the hippo.

“It won’t fall over, Faith.” She was bent over, adjusting something at the bottom of the tree. She had on the same jeans she’d worn the night he’d taken her to dinner. He couldn’t help admiring the way she filled them out…Grimly, he tried to steer his thoughts in another direction. Any other direction. He’d had a hell of a time keeping his hands to himself since he’d kissed her, but he’d done it. He just wasn’t sure how much longer he could resist the urge to touch her, to run his hands over every inch of that soft, curvy body. To hold her and kiss her—

Damn it, he was doing it again.

“What time did you want to take the babies to get their pictures taken with Santa tomorrow?”

He’d forgotten about that. The mall. Santa. A million screaming, crying children. And he’d said he’d go. He must have been nuts. Still, this was Lily’s and Will’s first Christmas. He’d feel like Scrooge if he didn’t get their pictures done, and he knew Faith needed his help.

“Second thoughts?” Faith asked, as if reading his mind.

“No. I said I’d do it and I will. Might as well go first thing. I’ll head out to work after we get back.”

“It might not be as bad as you think.”

“You just keep telling yourself that,” he said and she laughed.

Will was busy trying to pull the ornaments off the bottom branches of the tree. Which was why they hadn’t hung anything fragile down low. “Maybe we should have skipped the lower branches entirely,” he said as Will managed to yank one of the three wise men off and stuff the soft ornament in his mouth.

“Here you go, son.” He exchanged the wise man for a toy train, which held the kid’s attention for all of twenty seconds.

Will abandoned the train and crawled over to the coffee table and his favorite toy, the wooden spoon. He pulled himself up to stand and banged the spoon on the table as hard as he could. Making noise was something he never tired of doing.

Brian sat in the easy chair and reflected that at this rate he’d need a new coffee table in about a month.

“You really shouldn’t let him beat on the coffee table like that.”

They’d had this argument before, but arguing was better than thinking about kissing her. “Why? He likes it and it keeps him occupied.”

“Because he’ll do it at your brothers’ and sister’s houses and they might not want him to ruin their coffee tables. Oddly enough, some people like their furniture and don’t want it destroyed.”

He waved her objection aside. “They all have kids. You can’t tell me Max hasn’t demolished any number of things in his lifetime. The kid’s a hellion. I’m not sure Miranda is much better. And don’t even get me started on Jason. He’s just like his father. Jay never saw a toy he didn’t want to take apart.”

Faith sat on the floor with Lily in her lap. “Are you sure
Jay
took them apart? Something tells me you would have been the instigator there.”

He had to smile at that. “He didn’t need much encouragement, believe me. I liked to rebuild things after he took them apart. Electronics, mostly. I tried to put in a surround sound system when I was about fifteen. Mark was not happy with all the holes I put in the ceiling. Not to mention, I managed to blow the TV when I turned it on.”

“Dada, Dada, Dada,” Will chanted. He let go of the table and stepped toward Brian.

“Look, he took a step. He’s trying to walk again.” Will had been on the verge of walking for some time, but tonight was the first time Brian had seen him take a completely unassisted step.

Brian held out his hands. “That’s it, come on, Will. Come to Daddy.”

Will had screwed up his mouth and furrowed his brow in concentration. Wavering for a moment, he gathered himself and took two more staggering steps before tumbling into Brian’s arms and laughing madly.

“Attaboy! You did it! You did it!” Brian scooped him up and kissed his cheek while Will’s chubby arm went around his neck.

“Dada.”

“That’s right. Daddy.” His eyes met Faith’s across the room. He wanted to say something but found he couldn’t speak.

Faith wiped at her eyes, her mouth curved into a gentle smile.

“He took his first steps,” Brian finally managed to say. “Can you beat that?”

When Will had first come into his life, he’d had no idea he would feel this incredible rush of love for his son. No idea he’d even be capable of feeling such an emotion so strongly. He’d spent his entire adult life carefully avoiding entanglements for this very reason.

Will squirmed in Brian’s arms, anxious to explore again. Brian set him down on the carpet and he started crawling toward Faith, who lovingly watched him with Lily in her lap.

“Mama. Mama,” Lily chanted.

“Mama, Mama,” his son echoed, as he reached Faith’s side and demanded to be picked up.

“Faith. I’m Faith, Will.”

“Mama,” he insisted, patting her.

Faith didn’t look at Brian, but she scooped Will into her lap and gathered him close, cuddling him as she did Lily. “I’ve been trying to teach him to call me Faith. But Lily has started calling me Mama and he hears her and then he…” Her voice trailed off and she still wouldn’t look at him.

“It’s natural, I guess. That’s not the first time, is it?” But it was the first time Brian had heard him say it to Faith and without screaming for his dead mother.

She shook her head, finally facing him. “He’s been saying ‘Mama,’ of course, but a few days ago he actually said it to me. I don’t want you to think I’ve encouraged him. But he gets confused…” She kissed Will’s cheek, then Lily’s. “I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Faith, it’s not a big deal. Don’t stress about it.” Except it was a big deal. A very big, damn scary deal.

A
FEW NIGHTS LATER
, Brian came into the kitchen, where Faith was feeding the babies dinner. He didn’t say anything at first, just stood there watching her and the children.

“Is something wrong?” she finally asked. “I heard the phone ring but I couldn’t get it.”

“No, nothing’s wrong. It was for me.” He put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the counter. “Can you keep Will for me on Friday night?”

Faith looked up from feeding Lily. “Of course. Are you doing some more Christmas shopping?” Lily grabbed the spoon Faith held and tried to steer it to her mouth, but instead launched the carrots at her mother, where they landed in a nice, big orange glob on Faith’s favorite white sweater. She looked down in dismay. Served her right. What kind of idiot fed a baby while wearing white?

She glanced at Brian, who still hadn’t answered her. He looked uncomfortable, she realized. Even…guilty. Now why would he look guilty?

“Not shopping. I have a date. For a…a Christmas party.”

Her heart sank. A date. He hadn’t been out with another woman since before her birthday. The dinner cruise, that magical, wonderful night she couldn’t stop thinking about. Couldn’t stop reliving. Couldn’t stop imagining a different ending for—if she’d followed her heart instead of her head.

Poor, silly Faith, wanting a man, a family, she couldn’t have.

Brian had no reason to feel guilty. There were no commitments between them. They hadn’t made love, hadn’t done anything beyond share a couple of kisses. Kisses that had meant something to her, but clearly hadn’t meant much to him. She shouldn’t feel as if her heart had been torn out of her chest and stomped on. He wasn’t trying to hurt her. He was only doing what was best for both of them. She had to let go of the fantasy.

“I’ll be happy to take care of Will.” She glanced at the baby in question, who was still feeding himself bits of his dinner. What he hadn’t thrown on the floor, that is. He looked so much like his father with his thatch of dark hair and his green eyes. When he smiled his father’s smile, her heart simply turned over. This motherless little boy she already loved as much as if he’d been her own son. She wanted so desperately to be his mother. But he wasn’t hers, and never would be.

“Faith…”

She rose quickly, turning her back to him as she took Lily out of her high chair. If she glanced at him she’d cry and then she’d feel like a total fool. Instead, she checked her watch. “Is that the time? I need to get Lily bathed.” Settling Lily on her hip, she picked up the dishes and carried them to the sink. Still with her back to him she asked, “Are you going to bathe Will tonight or do you want me to do it?”

After a pause he said, “I’ll do it.”

And if she cried a little while she bathed her daughter, at least no one but she and Lily would know it.

T
WO NIGHTS LATER
, Faith was in the den with Will and Lily when the doorbell rang. “Who could that be?” she said aloud. Though it was technically past their bedtime, both babies were still awake. Neither had seemed at all interested in going to bed yet. And since all Faith had to look forward to was driving herself insane wondering about Brian and his date, she had welcomed their company and the distraction playing with them provided.

She put Lily in her playpen and carried Will with her to the door. She didn’t trust either of them to be unsupervised around that Christmas tree. Especially not Will now that he was walking.

She opened the door to Gail and Roxy. Roxy spoke before her mother could. “Hi, Faith.”

“Hi, Roxy. Hi, Gail. How nice to see you. Come on in.” She shut the door behind them, glad for their company.

“We came over to bring you and Uncle Brian some sugar cookies. I baked them myself,” Roxy said proudly, handing Faith a large cookie tin with a picture of a poinsettia on it.

Gail laughed and ruffled her daughter’s hair. “Don’t worry, I didn’t have a thing to do with them. Roxy has been taking lessons from my sister. She’s getting to be quite a little baker, but we have an excess of cookies at our house, so we thought we’d bring you and Brian some.”

“Thank you, Roxy. I can’t wait to try them. And I’ll tell your uncle Brian when he gets home that you baked them.”

Roxy seemed fine with that, since she was occupied making faces at Will. “I’m glad the babies are still awake. Can I play with them, Faith?”

“Absolutely.” She turned to Gail. “Can you stay for a little while or do you have to get back home? I could make us some hot chocolate.”

“Sounds great. I’ll help you. Call us if you need us, Roxy. We’ll be right in the kitchen.”

“Mom,” Roxy said, already involved in a rousing game of peekaboo that had both children chortling with laughter. “Like I can’t handle the babies by myself? I babysit all the time now.”

“Well, that put me in my place,” Gail joked as she followed Faith into the kitchen.

Faith laughed. “She really is good with the kids.”

“Yes, she is. She loves babysitting.” Gail pried the lid off the cookie tin Faith had just put on the drain board. “So where’s Brian? Is he working?”

“No.” Faith took three mugs out of the cupboard and set them down. “He went to a party.”

“A Christmas party? By himself?”

“No, not by himself.”

“You mean he has a date?”

“Yes.” And she refused to speculate about who it was with. What did it matter? He was with another woman and what he did or who he did it with was none of Faith’s business. She went to the refrigerator and got the milk carton out. “I use milk instead of water. Is that okay with you?”

“That’s fine.” Gail picked up a cookie and began munching on it, leaning a hip against the counter. “Does it bother you? That Brian’s dating, I mean.”

Bother
wasn’t the word. It killed her. Faith mixed chocolate into the milk before putting the mugs in the microwave and turning the timer on. “He’s my boss. Why should it bother me if he has a date?”

Gail crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her head. “Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps because it bothers most women if the man she’s in love with dates other women?”

“I didn’t say I was in love with him.” Even though she was, desperately.

Gail finished the cookie and wiped her hands. “Brian may be my brother-in-law, but you’re my friend. If you want to talk to me, it won’t go any further. I promise, I won’t tell Jay. I won’t even tell Cat if you don’t want me to.”

“I know you wouldn’t.” And she did. Gail wasn’t just a friend, she had become Faith’s closest friend. And Faith needed to talk, even if she knew there was no answer to her problem. She sighed. “I didn’t realize my feelings for Brian were so obvious. I’d hoped they weren’t.”

Gail smiled. “If you hadn’t given it away, Brian would have. He has this certain way of looking at you—” She waved a hand in front of her face to fan herself. “Whew.”

Faith couldn’t help laughing a little. “Don’t I wish.”

“No, seriously. Cat’s noticed it, too. I imagine when he looks at you that way he’s pretty damn irresistible. Not only is the man hot, but he’s got the Kincaid charm just oozing out of his pores. And I know all about that charm. Remember, I’m married to one of them.”

“Brian has it in spades,” Faith admitted. She sobered. “There’s nothing going on between us, though.” Just two kisses and a night she would never forget.

“Jay would undoubtedly tell me to mind my own business, but he’s a man. What does he know? Why
isn’t
there anything going on? And why in the hell is Brian out on a date instead of being here with you and the babies?”

“Because he doesn’t feel that way about me.” But oh, God, she wished he did. “He went on a date because that’s what single men do.” She pressed her lips together. “You’re his sister-in-law. You know how he is.”

“I know he has a reputation as a player. But that was before he knew he had a son. And before he met you. I won’t believe he doesn’t have feelings for you. I’ve seen him with you, Faith. I’ve seen how he looks at you and at Lily.”

“I’m not sure what he feels. I don’t think he even knows. Brian is…attracted to me. But he’s not looking for a wife or a mother for his son. He doesn’t want a serious relationship. With any woman. And I—I can’t do anything else. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“But you are in love with him, aren’t you? And you love Will, too.”

Faith nodded. “I love them both so much. How could I not? But it doesn’t matter. Nothing’s going to come of it.”

Gail tapped her fingers on the drain board. “Oh, hell, this is ridiculous,” she said. “Mark and Jay, who happen to know Brian better than anyone else, think he’s changed. They think he’s fallen for you. And Lily, too. That’s why I can’t understand why he’s still going out with other women.”

The microwave dinged and Faith took the warm mugs out. “He cares about us. I know he does, even if he doesn’t realize it. But he won’t let himself take the next step.” Her heart heavy, she looked at her friend. “He doesn’t want what I want, Gail. It’s as simple as that.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t know what he wants,” Gail said, and they brought the mugs into the other room.

Maybe, but she didn’t think so. She should have quit working for him long before she ever reached this point. Except, if she were honest with herself, she’d admit that she started falling for Brian and his son from the moment she met them.

B
RIAN LET HIMSELF IN
the back door and stopped short when he realized the lights were on and Faith was sitting at the kitchen table. Tossing his keys on the counter, he said, “I figured you’d have gone to bed. Are the kids all right?” He pulled off his leather jacket and hung it on the back of a chair.

She bit into a cookie. “They’re fine. Roxy and Gail brought these cookies by for us, if you want one. Roxy made them.” Reaching for her milk glass, she sipped while watching him.

He seated himself at the table and picked a cookie for himself and took a bite.

“I didn’t think you’d be back so early,” she said. “Did you have a good time?”

Though she wasn’t wearing her glasses, Faith wore the pair of pale blue pants and top she often slept in. They looked soft and comfortable and somehow, on Faith, sexy.

He wondered if she were wearing a bra. He was almost certain she wasn’t. That made him think about what she’d do if he pulled her out of that chair and into his arms and kissed her mouth, then slipped his hands beneath that silky shirt and—

“Brian?”

Damn it, she was driving him crazy. “No, I didn’t have a good time,” he snapped. “Why would I be home at ten o’clock if I’d had a good time?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you?”

She hesitated a moment before answering. “No, not really.”

He hadn’t thought she looked a bit sorry.

“What happened? Didn’t you like your date?”

He shrugged. “She was beautiful. Hot. Available. When I took her home, she asked me up to her apartment and I’m pretty damn sure she didn’t mean to offer me cookies.”

“But you didn’t take her up on it.” She got up and put the milk back in the refrigerator before turning to face him. “Did you?”

“Obviously not.” He went to her, caged her in by placing his palms down flat on the smooth, cool surface of the countertop on either side of her. “It’s hard to have a good time with a woman when you spend the entire night wishing you were with another one.”

Her gaze locked on his and she stared at him for a long, tense moment before she smiled, like sunshine breaking over the ocean at dawn. “If you expect me to say I’m sorry about that, think again.”

He leaned in closer. Her pulse was fluttering at the base of her neck and he wanted to taste her. He laid his lips very gently on the skin just beneath her jaw. Trailed them down until he reached her now racing pulse and kissed her there, flicking his tongue slowly on her skin. He breathed in her scent until he was steeped in it, in her.

“Brian.” Her voice was low, husky. Inviting.

“Faith.” He said it against her skin, the smooth, creamy skin that tasted as good as it looked. He kissed his way down her chest to her nipple, which had tightened and stood out in a tempting peak beneath the thin material of her shirt. He nuzzled it. Swirled his tongue over the silky fabric and then very slowly, covered her nipple with his mouth and sucked. Gently at first, then harder.

Faith gave a strangled moan and put her hands in his hair. But she didn’t push him away. She pulled him to her so he could take her breast even more firmly into his mouth. “Oh, what are you doing to me?”

“Driving you crazy,” he said. “Like you’ve been doing to me for weeks now.” He raised his head and, keeping his eyes on hers, slid his hands beneath her shirt, cupping her breasts, stroking her nipples with his fingers, tightening his fingers on them and pulling gently until she gasped.

“I don’t think I can breathe.”

“Let me check.” He took her mouth with his, savoring her, wanting her as he filled his hands with the perfect curves of her breasts. “No, you’re breathing.”

He ran his hands down her body to cup her bottom and picked her up. She wrapped her legs around him and kissed him, her tongue teasing, tasting him as he’d tasted her. He rocked against her.

“I want to be inside you. Let me make love to you, Faith.”

“I want you to. You know I do. But…” She stopped to kiss him, long and slow. Then drew away, licking her lips, breathing heavily. “I’m still afraid we’re making a mistake.”

He was hard and aching for her, wanting her more than he’d ever wanted another woman. He held her in his arms and she was soft, warm, welcoming. Beautiful. Sweet. Loving.

And if he made love to her, what then? How long would it last? Could it last?

“I don’t know.” He leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “I know that at this moment, I’m not sure I care if this is a mistake.”

“Once we make love there’s no going back. It will change everything between us.”

He kissed her again, thrusting his tongue into her mouth just as he wanted to slide himself inside her soft, welcoming body and feel her tighten around him until they both came.

She put her hands on either side of his face, her eyes so sad, nearly desperate. “Let me go, Brian. I don’t think…I don’t think I’m ready to take this step. Because I’m afraid if I do, it won’t be a beginning. It will be the beginning of the end.”

Exactly what he’d feared, as well. And nothing had changed since he first thought that. Not really.

What else could he do? He let her slide down his body. Let her walk out of his arms. Let her leave him. Alone. Aching. Adrift.