The Christmas Baby (4 page)

B
RIAN AND
F
AITH
drove separate cars to the church the next morning, Faith taking both children with her so she’d have their car seats when she picked them up.

First Brian was going to see his brother Mark. After that he planned to meet Jay for lunch and then go over to the clinic to talk to the doctors and their staff about their computer needs. Although medical programs weren’t his specialty, he’d been reading up on what was available both to help with patient care and in the business and billing aspects of their practice so that he could help Jay and his partners decide what programs and system would best suit them.

He parked his car beside Faith’s then went to help her get the kids out. “How are you going to do this when I’m not here? You can’t carry both of them and all their stuff.” He still wasn’t sure why, but every time you set foot out of the house with a young child, you had to haul around a suitcase full of crap with you. Double the kids and you doubled the amount of crap.

She settled Lily on her hip and swung the diaper bag onto her shoulder. “I’ve been thinking about that and I think we should buy a twin stroller. It will be a lot easier for me to take both babies with me that way. I’d be able to take them on walks, too. I’ll pay for half of it, since it’s for Lily, as well as Will.”

“You’re not paying for half of it. That’s ridiculous.” But he wasn’t surprised she’d offered. Or that she was set to argue about it. “Make this one easy on me. Please,” he said before she could get started. “Just charge it to me, okay?”

She nodded, but not without sulking. Her lips were full and looked surprisingly sexy set in a pout.
She’s the nanny,
he reminded himself. Not someone he should flirt with.

Will was crying but, to Brian’s surprise, the baby quieted when he took him out of the car seat. Usually Brian only made him cry harder. Imitating Faith, he settled the little guy on his hip. His son stared at him with solemn eyes as he carried his son into the church, following Faith and Lily. “Don’t worry, you’ll like it,” he told him, wondering if that were true.

“Bah,” Will said.

They enrolled both kids and Brian paid for them. Then he went to make sure that Will was settled and being well looked after. The kid was laughing with delight as one of the caregivers played peekaboo with him, both of them oblivious to the chaos surrounding them. Faith, however, seemed to have a million questions still, so Brian left her to it.

The sooner he got out of there, the better. All those young kids in one place made him break out in a cold sweat. Older kids weren’t so bad, but Brian hadn’t been around much since his brothers had married and their wives had started popping out small fry. He wasn’t sure what he’d do at Thanksgiving when he’d have to sit down to dinner with not only his son, but all the extended families and their kids.
Zoo
would be a kind description of that scene.

He’d realized on the way to the church that he needed to buy another car. He couldn’t expect Faith to use her car for all the errands. He could pay for her gas, but there was a matter of wear and tear, and her car had obviously already seen a lot of miles. And she sure couldn’t use his ’Vette to take the babies around in.

He glanced at the seat beside him and winced. Will had spit up on it on the way down to Aransas City, and while Brian had cleaned it up as soon as he could, he’d apparently missed some spots. His car wasn’t any more built for kids than he was. It was a classic, lovingly cared for. Rather than give it up, he’d stored it while he was out of the country. And now it had spit-up on it. And that wasn’t the worst of it.

In order to get the playpen and the other things he’d deemed essential in, he’d had to cram everything he could in the trunk, then tie it down. He had consciously avoided looking at what he suspected was a scratch on the car’s otherwise pristine paint job.

But what kind of car did you buy to haul kids and their stuff around in? No way was he getting a minivan. The thought made him slightly nauseous. He had to draw the line somewhere.

A few minutes later, he pulled up in front of Mark’s house. He knew his brother would be there since he’d talked to him that morning. Cat had recently had their third child, a boy they named Cullen. Mark periodically took time off to help her with the kids.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Mark asked, letting him in.

“That’s what I came to ask you.”

“It’s not too bad today, but Max is at school and Miranda is at Mothers’ Day Out. Once they get home, it will be chaos as usual.”

“I didn’t see Miranda when I took Will in. How are Cat and the baby?”

“They’re great. Cullen actually sleeps, unlike Max at that age.” As if on cue, a baby’s cry came from the other room. “Well, sometimes he sleeps,” he said with a grin. “Why don’t you come with me? Cat’s out with Gail so I’m on duty. She and her sister have some new scheme cooking for Thanksgiving.”

Brian followed him into the baby’s room and watched Mark lift Cullen out of his crib and change him. Mark looked calm, competent…and most of all, happy. Brian wondered if he’d ever feel like that. Like a real father instead of an imposter.

“I’m going to warm up his bottle. Want to feed him?”

“Are you kidding? He’s too little.” Brian still had a hard time with Will; he couldn’t imagine feeding a tiny baby like the one Mark was holding.

“Come on, don’t be a chicken. I’ll show you. It’s not much different from feeding Will.”

“Oh, yes, it is. Will’s big enough to hold his own bottle. Besides, I might hurt him or something.”

“Only if you drop him.” Mark laughed and took the baby with him to the kitchen.

He warmed up the milk and tested it. Thank God Kara Long had at least explained bottles to him before handing Will over to him, Brian thought. He sure as hell wouldn’t have known anything about warming them. “How do you know what to do with him? Doesn’t it make you nervous when Cat leaves you with him?”

“This is our third, remember? You stop being nervous after the first. But I’ll admit, the first time Cat left me alone with Max, I thought I was having a heart attack every time he cried. It got easier, though.”

They went to the den and Mark sat in the rocking chair with the baby to give him his bottle. Brian watched them for a moment before he brought up what had been on his mind since he’d found out Will really was his son. He didn’t try to finesse it, he just blurted it out. “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can be a father.”

Mark sent him a sharp glance. “You already are a father. And you told Jay you wouldn’t give him up, so I don’t see you have much choice but to figure it out.”

Brian stood and started pacing. “I don’t want to give him up. But maybe he’d be better off with someone who…knows what they’re doing.”

“That’s why you hired a nanny. Why are you getting cold feet at this point? Isn’t the nanny working out?”

“Faith is great. That’s not the problem. The problem is me. I walk in and see all this baby stuff and I still can’t believe it’s in my house. Belongs to my son. I hear him crying and think, ‘Whose kid is that? I wish they’d make him quit,’ and then I remember I’m the one who’s supposed to be comforting him. I’m responsible for him. A baby.”

“It’s a big adjustment.”

“Everyone says I’ll get used to it, but it’s been weeks and I haven’t so far. What if I never do?”

“You haven’t been living with him very long. Give it time. Give each other time.”

Brian just shook his head. He wasn’t sure time would help. Or that anything would. “I don’t think he likes me. He cries almost every time I touch him.”

“He’s had it rough lately. It’ll get better. Don’t take it personally.”

“It’s kind of hard not to.” He squeezed the bridge of his nose. Don’t take it personally that his own son liked the nanny—hell, liked everyone—better than him.

“Is something else wrong?”

He sat and propped his arms on his knees, staring at the floor unseeingly. “Fathers—good fathers—are supposed to love their children. I don’t know what I feel. Other than totally, hopelessly confused.” Desperate for an answer, he looked at his oldest brother.

Mark put the baby up to his shoulder and patted his back. “What’s this about, Brian? Are you saying you want to give Will up?”

“No.” Will was his son, his responsibility. “I’m saying this fatherhood thing…I suck at it. I’m afraid I’ll be…like him. Like our father.” There. He’d finally admitted what he feared most.

Mark frowned. “That’s bullshit. He was an abusive bastard. You could never be anything like him.”

“I don’t have to be abusive to be a lousy father like he was.”

“Look, Brian, you may not be father-of-the-year material, but you’re trying. Don’t compare yourself to that worthless bastard.”

“I hardly remember him. All I remember was him telling me to leave him the hell alone. One time, I think I was about five, he locked me in a closet because I was bugging him. Miranda—Ava—let me out, but she didn’t find me until I’d been in there for hours. I spent the rest of the time until he left trying to stay out of his way. I was so damn happy when I realized he wasn’t coming back and I didn’t have to be afraid he’d walk through the door and yell at me. Or worse.”

“He played mind games with all of us. Don’t let him ruin what you could have with your son.”

“Will doesn’t even know me. He wants his mother, not me. But the poor kid’s stuck with me.”

“Do you want my advice?”

Brian shot him a dirty look. “Why the hell else would I be here telling you all this crap? Believe me, admitting I’m a big fat failure at fatherhood is not my idea of fun.”

Mark smiled. “You’re not a failure. Take care of him. Don’t let Faith do it all. You need to feed him, bathe him, read to him. Comfort him when he cries. Just be with him. Before long you’ll look at Will and you won’t be able to imagine what your life was like without him.”

“You make it sound so easy.” It couldn’t be that simple, could it?

“Being a parent is a challenge. But loving your kids,” he looked at his own son and smiled, “there’s nothing easier.”

F
AITH WAS FEEDING
the babies when Brian walked into the kitchen that evening. She was wearing a good bit of what she’d tried to get Will to eat. Luckily, Lily wasn’t nearly as messy with her finger food. Yet. Give her a few months, though, and the kitchen would probably look like a war zone at mealtime.

“Hi. How was your day?” she asked.

“Not bad. I think we’ve decided on what they want at the clinic so I’ll start work there over the Thanksgiving holiday. They want it installed and all the bugs worked out by the new year.”

“That’s good. You’ve seemed a little…antsy. I wondered if it was because you wanted to get back to work.” She left Will to his banana and picked up the baby-food jar and spoon to feed Lily. It wasn’t easy feeding two babies at once, but she was getting the hang of it.

“Yeah, I guess I have. I’m not used to having so much time off. But I’m looking forward to running my own business rather than working for someone else.”

“Will you be traveling overseas, like you did before? It must be exciting living in other countries.” Faith had rarely been out of Texas. She’d always had a secret desire to travel, but now that she had Lily, she knew she wouldn’t be traveling for a long time.

“No, I think I’ll have enough to do right here. Besides, it will be better for Will if I’m not out of the country for long periods of time.”

“Will you miss it?”

He looked thoughtful. “Haven’t so far. I really enjoyed London, and China was interesting, but I was ready to come home. I’m glad I was able to experience different cultures, but I like the U.S., too. I haven’t spent a lot of time in one place, though, since I got my master’s.”

She watched Will take a bite of banana and smear it into the tray. “It’s a huge change for you to live in Aransas City after all the other places you’ve been, isn’t it?”

He laughed. “Yeah, you could say that. London it isn’t. But most of my family is here so it seemed reasonable to move down here instead of settling in Dallas. And there’s no way I would have tried to take Will overseas without any of them near.” He picked up an apple from the bowl on the counter. “Speaking of family, what are your plans for Thanksgiving? Are you going to see your family?” He took a bite of apple.

She opened a jar of peas to give to Lily. Will wouldn’t touch peas but Lily loved them. “I just thought Lily and I would have a quiet day here. My parents died several years ago, so I don’t have anyone to visit.”

“Spend it with my family, then.”

“That wasn’t a ploy for sympathy and I wasn’t fishing for an invitation. Thanks, but we’d better not.”

“Why not? There’s going to be a ton of people there. Two more won’t matter. Dinner is at Ava and Jack’s house. It’s the only one big enough to hold everyone. Although, I’m not convinced it will. Of course, nobody listens to me.”

It sounded like fun. She should turn him down but she found that she really didn’t want to. “If you’re sure, okay, we’d love to come.”

“Good, that’s settled.” He leaned against the counter and continued munching on the apple for a moment. “I meant to ask, how was the first day of Mothers’ Day Out?”