The Cirque (18 page)

“Oh.” I had no idea how this conversation was supposed to go. “Is it mutual then?” I knew my questions sounded business-like, but I wasn’t sure what to say, or what she could handle talking about just then.

“We decided it together. Right now, it’s a separation.”

“I love you, Mom,” I offered.

“Thanks, sweetie. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of in shock.” I watched out the window as we passed by a string of houses, too close together and perched on a hill a stone’s throw from the highway. I wondered about the families that lived in those little houses. As I knew all too well, happiness wasn’t measured by the size of your house, or how much money you had. It was what you did with your life, the choices you made for yourself and those you cared about.

“The reason I’m telling you now is that I wanted to see if I could come stay with you a few nights when I get back next week. I think it’d be better than going to the house, and I don’t want to be alone at a hotel.”

Shit
. My heart picked up speed. She was waiting for my answer. “Yeah, you can stay with me,” I heard myself say. “When do you get back?”

“A week from Friday.”

That was ten days from now. A million thoughts crossed through my mind. Maybe I could take a hiatus from the show and fly back home to meet her. I could explain things to her about the show and then fly back to whatever city they were touring in. It could still work out. I wasn’t ready for this to end.

“Your dad and I will still be coming to your show together. We already discussed it. We’re both your parents and we love you. We’ll be there to support you.”

“Oh. Good,” was all I could manage. “Should I call Dad?” I asked, suddenly remembering my father in all this.

“We agreed that I would tell you. You can call him if you want, but he’s working more than ever, so good luck getting in touch with him. You might need to have Barbara pencil you in on his calendar to get him on the line.”

I was quiet.

“Well, honey, I can tell you need time to process all this. We can talk more when I get into town. I already arranged for a car, so no need to worry about missing class to pick me up. I’ll meet you at your apartment Friday evening.”

“See you then,” I said, and clicked off the phone.

Things were falling apart all around me. I needed to jump into brainstorming mode, like what to do about my mom’s stay with me at an apartment I hadn’t been at in weeks and their attendance at a show I wouldn
’t be performing in. I suddenly fully realized my parents’ twenty-year marriage was ending…and all I could think about was how it would affect me– and I felt worse. I was a terrible daughter and an all-around bad human being. I sat alone in the back of the bus for the next hour staring out at the desert. Gabriel eventually came to find me. I didn’t even notice him until he slid in next to me.

“Hey,” I said. He studied me for signs of what might be wrong and I la
id my head on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” he asked softly. I didn’t lift my head to meet his eyes, preferring to rest my head against his chest instead. I took a deep breath and repeated the whole story. He sat quietly and listened without interrupting. I told him about my parents’ separation, that my mom was coming to stay with me and that they still thought they were going to the opening night of my show together. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in closer to him and gently rubbed circles on my arm.

“Are you okay?” he asked when I’d finished.

“I don’t know if I’m in shock, but I don’t feel that sad about my parents. I mean, you could
tell they weren’t happy. I feel really bad that I’ve been lying to them.”

“It’ll be okay,” he said. He continued rubbing my arm with just the tips of his fingers and I never wanted to leave this spot. If I could stay there forever, safe in his arms, never having to face his past, never having to face my future, it would be perfectly fine with me.

I felt my eyelids getting heavy and I nestled into his chest so I could smell his skin through his t-shirt. I took deep breaths, savoring this moment, knowing it couldn’t last forever and I’d have to face reality soon enough . But not right now. Now I would enjoy what happy moments I could. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep in Gabriel’s arms.

We arrived in Phoenix by nightfall and as much as I wanted to get up and stretch my legs, my body wouldn’t cooperate. I just sat there on the tour bus letting Gabriel hold me while everyone else shuffled off. We watched the crew set up,
back the semis in carefully, park the RVs in straight little rows and unload various pieces of equipment. Whenever our convoy arrived at night, they did the bare minimum, making sure we had places to sleep and hooking up the electricity and water. The real work would happen at daybreak.

Gabriel didn’t rush me. We sat staring out the window as floodlights illuminated the showgrounds. I hated that I wasn’t stronger. It was more than my parents’ divorce weighing on me. This world I’d been living in had never seemed real, but knowing my days were numbered and I’d be back in New York soon – without Gabriel, without anything – was too much to deal with.

Once the trailers and RVs were all lined up, he helped me to my feet and ushered me down the aisle and off the bus. We stepped outside into the warm night air and he steered me toward my trailer. I stopped walking and stood there looking at him, unable to go any further.

“Do you want me to carry you?” he asked.

“I don’t want to sleep alone tonight,” I said, not meeting his eyes. I couldn’t bear to look at him when he rejected me.

Instead he gently took my hand and led me toward his trailer. He unlatched the door and flipped on a lamp. I could see Gertie in her kennel under his desk, her tail wagging. He opened the cage and she stepped out slowly and stretched like an old lady.

“I guess I never thought about where she rode when we traveled.”

“She likes it in here best,” he said as he opened a drawer and pulled out a t-shirt and pair of boxers. “Pajamas?” He offered them to me.

“Thanks.”

He stepped outside with Gertie while I changed. I draped my clothes across a chair, hiding my bra underneath my jeans. I was slipping into bed when they came in. Gertie hopped up and sat next to me, flipping herself over on her back, coaxing me to scratch her stomach.

Gabriel switched off the lamp and just enough moonlight streamed in through the single window so that I could make out his silhouette as he pulled off his shirt and slipped out of his jeans. Wearing just his black boxers, he pulled back the blankets and crawled in next to me. Normally, this would have been very enticing, but tonight all I wanted was to sleep next to him.

Gertie must have found it too crowded with the three of us because she huffed and hopped off the bed to lie in her kennel. I found Gabriel in the darkness and let my hands tentatively run over his smooth stomach, just needing to know he was there. He folded me into his arms, pulling me over toward him and curled his body around mine. His arms never left me while I fell asleep.

***

We had two shows in Phoenix the next night, one at three and the other at seven. All the performers dreaded these double headers, especially right after a day spent traveling. It was exhausting. I’d slept well
in Gabriel’s bed but had been awoken in the middle of the night by a soft glowing light. When I opened my eyes and let them adjust to the light, I saw that Gabriel had gotten up and was painting. He said he couldn’t sleep. I sat up to see what he was painting. It was me, in his bed, just as I had been. I lay curled up on my side, my hair draped around the pillow and one arm flung over the empty side of the bed, feeling for him. He’d captured a peaceful glow on my face as I slept. My fingers clutched at the sheets on his side of the bed, balling them in my fist.

“Go lie back down like you were,” he’d said.

We spent the rest of the night like that, with me posing in bed, watching him paint. I drifted back to sleep but roused again when he slipped back in beside me. It was late morning before I made it back to my trailer.

An hour later, I was in the dressing room waiting for my turn with Tanner. I sat cross-legged on the floor while Tanner painted the face of a guy I recognized from the act with a giant trampoline. Tanner transformed him as I watched, using a foundation brush to paint his face and every inch of his exposed neck until it glowed bronze. He penciled in high-arched black eyebrows, giving him the illusion of beauty and power he’d never have in real life. That’s what all this was, an illusion. I didn’t want to blink and miss any of it.

“Ari, you’re up,” I heard him say, pulling me from my thoughts. I got into the chair and sat facing him. He picked up a makeup sponge but just studied me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I lied.

He dotted concealer under my eyes with his ring finger and used the sponge to blend it in. “How’s everything going with you and Gabriel? You guys seem to be getting pretty serious.”

“It’s good. I’m just worried that all good things have to come to an
 end, ya know?”

“That’s not a good way to think.”

I sighed. “I know.”

He dusted my whole face with a shimmery powder I loved. It made my skin glow. “Just enjoy it. It’s like me with Shane. I don’t think it’ll be a forever thing, but I’m going to have fun while I can.”

I nodded then closed my eyes while he swiped a brush with champagne-colored shadow across my lids. I knew Tanner was right. I could spend my remaining time with Gabriel moping around or I could enjoy it to its fullest. And there was one thing I knew I wanted before the illusion ended.

 
During that night’s performance I watched Gabriel with a new fascination. His eyes, which had once seemed so empty, now burned with passion. I wondered if the crowd could feel the electricity passing between us. I tuned out everything around us, the people, the music and the lights. It was just me and him in center ring, and I felt his affection shielding me from each knife he threw. As each one hit the target, it was further proof that he would never hurt me. My stomach fluttered when I allowed myself to think about my plan for that night. I wanted to be with him while I still could. But first I focused on getting through the shows.

Finally, they were over and I found him backstage, reading. “Hey. Want to do something?” I asked.

“What’d you have in mind?”

I almost flushed right then, giving away my idea. “Let’s go to your trailer,” I said casually.

“Don’t you want to change first?” He looked over my costume.

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”

He gave me a questioning look but got up and followed after me. So far, so good. I felt a little weird about executing my plan in front of Gertie, but she was just going to have to deal.
If the trailer starts a rockin, don’t come a knockin’.

When we got there, I sat on the bed while he opened drawers, rummaging around for something. He pulled out a book of matches and struck one, lighting a candle.

“What’s that?” I smiled.

“A candle,” he said, flatly.

I gave him a
no shit
look. “I meant, what’s it for? Are you trying to seduce me?” I asked, hopeful.

He shook his head and I thought I saw the corner of his mouth raise up, but he didn’t answer.

“Well, just to warn you – you’re not going to have to try very hard.”

He sat down next to me and trailed his fingers along my exposed shoulder. “I’m not?”

“Shouldn’t take much.” I leaned in and breathed against his neck, letting my lips just barely brush his skin. It still surprised me to see his tattoos standing out against his skin. I traced my finger up the design on his bicep that disappeared under his sleeve.

His eyes searched mine, trying to figure out what I intended. I leaned in to kiss him and knew I was too eager. He brought his hand to my face, slowing me down, tilting my head to meet his, and I could tell he savored the anticipation of our mouths together. He brushed my hair back from my face. He was completely unrushed. It was like he didn’t feel any of the same fire that drove me forward. He continued to kiss me softly until my heart beat wildly and my cheeks were warm and flushed.

I climbed onto his lap and pushed him back on the bed. If I could get him to let his guard down and let me in, I could show him how good we could be together.

“Whoa,” he chuckled against my mouth. “What’s gotten into you?”

My heart pounded and I wasn’t sure if I should come clean about my plans for tonight. I had never wanted someone so bad in my entire life. Maybe it was because he was so unattainable, so outrageously sexy, or because his tattoos screamed bad boy, either way, I knew I wanted him. I wanted him like I wanted my next breath. I pushed his shirt up, and bent my head to trail kisses down his stomach. His skin was smooth and warm under my lips. I let my fingers dance along his sides, wondering if he were ticklish.

I looked up at him through my eyelashes. “I want you.”

He groaned and lay back, dropping his head against the pillow.

“I want you too,” he said quietly, looking up at the ceiling. He stroked my hair while I worked my way lower, planting soft kisses across his stomach. I hoped he couldn’t tell that I had no idea what I was doing. But the way his chest rose and fell, I knew this had some effect on him.
 I kissed along the path of a tattoo that traced down his side until I reached his waistband. I remembered what Tanner had said and fumbled for the button on his jeans.