The Click Trilogy (7 page)

So, we’re sitting at dinner (he took me to The Red Room) and over walks this couple who look very Hollywood.  He’s middle-age, balding with a round belly and she looks like her parents let her stay out late on a school night…a collagen-lipped, silicone-injected, bleach blonde-headed bimbo doll.  He stands up, gives a few air kisses and proceeds to chat for 10 minutes.  Believe it or not, the phrase “do lunch” was actually uttered.  Now normally, I wouldn’t mind.  I love to chat with new people and can hold my own among any crowd.

But the man DIDN’T EVEN INTRODUCE ME.  It was like I wasn’t even there.  After they left, he proceeds to tell me what phonies they are and that he didn’t introduce me because they have no interest in “the little people.”  Here he is saying how much he wants to find someone beyond the superficiality, but in reality, he is the biggest phony of them all.

Then, he sees a man a few tables away – of course he’s sitting at the table Davey wanted but was too cheap to slip a few bucks to the maître d  – and spends a HALF HOUR telling me what an ass he is, how he stole a part from him, etc.  Not once did he ever ask me a question about myself and every time I started to talk about my life, interests, etc. he managed to turn the conversation back to his career and fans.  UGH!

Gotta run and call Mark.

From: Shelley Manning – March 7, 2011 – 8:56 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: He is a small, small man

Sorry I’m just getting back to you.  What a lame ass.  They say the camera adds 10 pounds.  Maybe he thought he could add it length wise instead of width wise.  Wow.  So sorry.  Obviously you aren’t going out with him again.  How did the date end?

As for me, I spent a weekend-long date in a sweat-soaked set of satin sheets.  His name was Charlie and we met through a mutual friend.  Now granted, we were being quite aerobic, but this man was sweating – profusely.  Thankfully, it was an attractive, musky, manly scent that protruded from his highly-active pores.  From now on, he will be known as Fire Hose.  And, ironically, that also helps to describe another manly feature of his.  :)

From: Renee Greene – March 7, 2011 – 9:14 AM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: He is a small, small man

Believe it or not, he actually seemed shocked that I didn’t want to invite him in and have sex with him.  What on earth would make him think that was in the cards?  I’m just going to email him and call it off.  Too bad I’m not very “Hollywood” or I could have my people call his people.  But, when you are one of the “little people,” you gotta take care of dirty business yourself.

And, as far as Fire Hose is concerned, gotta say, EW!  I’m not big into the sweat. But, at least he was a man – not like the Cuddler.  I bet when he sweats, it’s like jasmine, lilacs and perfume.  ;).

From: [email protected]/PRGal1981 – March 7, 2011 – 9:28 AM

To: [email protected]/TheLAWay

Subject: Thanks

Thanks for dinner last night.  It was fun…but I think we make better friends than anything.  Hope you understand.

From: [email protected]/TheLAWay – March 7, 2011 – 9:35 AM

To: [email protected]/PRGal1981

Subject: Re: Thanks

I was just about to email you.  You seem like a nice person, but quite frankly I’m looking for someone who is a little more outgoing and dynamic.  Sadly, in my business, it’s all about image and I just don’t see you fitting into mine.

From: Renee Greene – March 7, 2011 – 9:37 AM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Fwd: Re: Thanks

Can you believe I’m getting dumped by this ass?

From: Shelley Manning – March 7, 2011 – 10:05 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Thanks

What a jerk.  You deserve much better than this B-list celebrity.  He’s not EVEN worth getting upset over.  He would be LUCKY to be going out with someone like you.  Lucky, I tell you.  We should take his lame emails and sell them to the tabloids.

From: [email protected]/Thomas33 – March 7, 2011 – 10:07 AM

To: [email protected]/PRGal1981

Subject: Hello

Hi.  I’m a junior partner for Hastings, Laslow, Arden and Stein, a large law firm in downtown Los Angeles   I went to college at UCLA and got my joint MBA/JD from Wharton.  My parents have been married for 36 years and are great relationship role models for me.  My dad worked hard to provide for his family and my mom was the family caretaker.  I hope to find the same kind of relationship.  Take a look at my profile and let me know if you think you would like to talk with me.  Thanks, Thomas.

From: [email protected]/PRGal1981 – March 8, 2011 – 9:36 AM

To: [email protected]/Thomas33

Subject: Re: Hello

Hi Tom.  You seem like a very smart, ambitious and interesting guy.  So, let me ask you a few questions.

- Who is your favorite Brady?

- If Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman got in a fight, who would win?

- What is the last book you read or are currently reading?

- What is the best part of being an attorney?

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

From: Renee Greene – March 8, 2011 – 9:45 AM

To: Ashley Price

Subject: Up-DATE?

So, what’s the update on your date?  Did you have fun?  Was he as advertised?  Are you going to see him again?

From: Ashley Price – March 8, 2011 – 10:32 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Up-DATE?

It was fine.  The party was okay – a bit too crowded to play any of the casino games and the food was mediocre.  But, I got a GREAT gift bag including a gift certificate for $500 (!) worth of services at swanky Ra Jai salon in Beverly Hills.  And, you were right.  Austin is a very nice, charming and handsome guy.  Completely as advertised.

From: Renee Greene – March 8, 2011 – 11:01 AM

To: Ashley Price

Subject: Re: Up-DATE?

So, are you going to see him again?

From: Ashley Price – March 8, 2011 – 11:48 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: Up-DATE?

Please don’t be angry with me.  But, I couldn’t stop thinking about Evan.  I know he was a jerk and I know I’m better off without him, but I couldn’t help myself but miss being with him.  I’m sorry.

From: Renee Greene – March 8, 2011 – 11:57 AM

To: Ashley Price

Subject: Re: Up-DATE?

Oh Ashley!  With one hand, he’s giving you a big caress.  He keeps telling you that he loves you and wants to be with you.  And with the other hand, he’s giving you a big ol’ slap in the face.  He doesn’t think he can commit to you…or anyone for that matter.  You guys break up and then he calls or texts or stops by to see you and you’re back together.  But, if he doesn’t see a future with you, you need to move on.  Again, the most important thing is for you to be happy and I just don’t see you happy.  I have to hop into a meeting.  I’ll call you tonight.

From: [email protected]/Thomas33 – March 8, 2011 – 10:17 AM

To: [email protected]/PRGal1981

Subject: Re: Hello

Actually, I prefer Thomas.  To answer your questions:

- Who is your favorite Brady? I guess the dad

- If Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman got in a fight, who would win?  Don’t really know

- What is the last book you read or are currently reading? Intellectual Property Rights in the Digital Era, Second Edition by Joe I. Bessis.  Sadly, I don’t have much time to read for pleasure.

- What is the best part of being an attorney? Working for one of the world’s leading firms.

Listen, I’m not very good at this online thing.  Would you be interested in meeting me for a drink at the Coffee World in Brentwood?  Do you know where that is?

From: [email protected]/PRGal1981 – March 9, 2011 – 9:13 AM

To: [email protected]/Thomas33

Subject: Re: Hello

I know exactly where that is.  Sure.  That would be nice.  Why don’t we say Thursday night around 8:00.  Let’s plan to meet outside.

From: [email protected]/Thomas33 – March 9, 2011 – 9:15 AM

To: [email protected]/PRGal1981

Subject: Re: Hello

Sounds good.  See you then.

From: Renee Greene – March 9, 2011 – 9:17 AM

To: Shelley Manning; Mark Finlay

Subject: Third time’s the charm

Okay, Date #3.  His name is Thomas (not Tom, but Thomas) Wells and he is a junior partner with Hastings, Laslow, Arden and Stein.  We’re meeting at Coffee World tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

From: Shelley Manning – March 9, 2011 – 9:20 AM

To: Renee Greene, Mark Finlay

Subject: Re: Third time’s the charm

Junior partner, eh?  Can you say CHA-CHING?   Have fun and call me or drop me an email when you’re home.

From: Mark Finlay – March 9, 2011 – 9:20 AM

To: Renee Greene; Shelley Manning

Subject: Re: Third time’s the charm

Ditto for me.  Not the “CHA-CHING” part, but the “have fun and call me later” part.

From: Renee Greene – March 10, 2011 – 10:15 PM

To: Ashley Price

Subject: THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  I cannot thank you enough for bailing me out.  That man was probably the most boring person I have EVER met in my entire life.  And I’ve been around.  Well, I haven’t actually been around in that sense.  But, you know what I mean.  I’ve met a lot of people and lord knows I’ve got some clients that could put you to sleep, but this man takes the cake.  I’ve never done anything like that before, but thank goodness you were home.

From: Renee Greene – March 10, 2011 – 10:20 PM

To: Shelley Manning; Mark Finlay

Subject: Safe, sound, sleepy

Holy moly.  Thomas was probably the MOST BORING PERSON EVER!  That lemonade (sadly, at Coffee World so no vanilla blended to take my mind off of this bore) felt like a valium cocktail with an ambien chaser.  I could not keep my eyes open.  Guess my search continues.  Call me tomorrow.

From: Ashley Price – March 11, 2011 – 9:06 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: THANK YOU!

Happy to oblige.  Evan and I were just hanging out watching a movie.  So, who was this guy and how did you meet?

From: Renee Greene – March 11, 2011 – 9:08 AM

To: Ashley Price

Subject: Re: THANK YOU!

He is a junior partner with some big law firm downtown.

From: Ashley Price – March 11, 2011 – 10:15 AM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: THANK YOU!

A junior partner?!?  Wow!  How did you meet him? Was it a set-up? It’s not like your job brings you in touch with that kind of man.

From: Renee Greene – March 11, 2011 – 11:45 AM

To: Ashley Price

Subject: Re: THANK YOU!

Yep.  Set up through a friend at work.  She knows someone who knows him.  My god was he boring.  He was like the Ambien of the dating world.  If I ever have insomnia, I can just relive moments over a vanilla blended where he droned on and on about intellectual property rights.  Sorry.  I’m probably putting you to sleep right now just giving you the highlights – or low lights in this case.  Anyway, thanks again.  You are a real pal.

From: Ashley Price – March 11, 2011 – 11:50 PM

To: Renee Greene

Subject: Re: THANK YOU!

Anytime.  That’s what friends are for.

From: Renee Greene – March 11, 2011 – 12:20 PM

To: Shelley Manning

Subject: Three strikes and you’re out?

Last night was the most boring evening of my life.  The absolute worst date I’ve ever – EVER – been on and that even includes the guy who stole my wallet.  I had to excuse myself, go to the ladies room, call Ashley and have her page me with some fake emergency so I could get out of it.  I’m starting to think this online dating thing just isn’t for me.  So far, I’ve dated a gay man, an egomaniacal B celebrity and the most boring man on the planet.  What made me think quality men would be searching for love on the net?